by Ariel Tachna
When the doctor finally finished his speech and left them alone with a pamphlet that detailed everything he’d just said, Chris slumped back on the exam table. “I knew I’d have some recovery time once the cast came off, but this is crazy.”
“He’s giving you the same exercises he’d give someone who worked in town sitting at a desk job,” Jesse reminded him. “Your normal routine at Lang Downs, or what will become your normal routine, will take care of the recovering your strength part. The trick will be not overdoing it until you’ve got enough flexibility back to support the rest. You don’t have to spend time lifting weights. You’re going to be lifting hay bales and shoveling manure, remember? That’ll take care of the strength issues.”
“Yeah, I noticed Macklin didn’t release the pregnant ewes to the higher pastures.”
“Let’s go,” Jesse said. “We can discuss your physical therapy over dinner. I don’t know about you, but I’m starved.”
Chris’s nerves had his stomach still so tied in knots that he wasn’t sure he could eat, but he’d be sick to his stomach the next day if he didn’t, so he’d have to force something down. “As long as we don’t go to the Eatery.”
“Is that where you worked before?” Jesse asked.
Chris nodded.
“We’ll find somewhere else to eat,” Jesse said immediately. “No reason to bring back bad memories.”
The memories had come back even without returning to the restaurant, but Chris didn’t mention that. Jesse was being supportive, and Chris appreciated it. “I guess we should call Caine.”
They left the exam room and headed for the hospital exit. Jesse called Caine as soon as they were outside. Chris let the conversation float past him, concentrating on breathing. Yass wasn’t a large town, only about five thousand people, but after being on Lang Downs for eight weeks, it was a veritable metropolis. The noise of cars driving by, of children playing in a park across the street, of a garbage truck rattling down the street grated on his nerves. He’d always lived in a city, but having experienced the peace and solitude of the outback, he didn’t think he could go back.
“Do we have to stay here tonight? Can we drive back to Boorowa at least?”
“I don’t know,” Jesse said. “That’s up to Caine and Macklin. It’s only an hour, so I suppose we could, but they may have already taken rooms in the hotel or made other plans. I have to pick up condoms too, and it might be more discreet to do that here than in Boorowa.”
Chris’s hands tingled, the unpleasant sensation moving up his arms as a group of teenage boys walked by, laughing and jostling each other. “I don’t think I can stay here,” Chris said, his pulsing pounding and his throat constricting until he felt like every breath was a struggle. Those boys hadn’t had anything to do with the attack on Chris, but that did nothing to lessen his reaction to them.
“I really don’t think I can stay here,” Chris repeated, his voice sounding frantic to his own ears.
“Chris,” Jesse said sharply. “Look at me.”
Chris tried to focus on Jesse’s face, but his vision went in and out of focus as the panic welled up inside him.
“Look at me,” Jesse repeated, moving so he blocked Chris’s view of the street. “There’s no one here but me. You’re safe. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you, and if they try, all we have to do is step back into the hospital. You’re safe with me.”
Chris wanted to nod, to acknowledge Jesse’s words, to give some indication that they were helping, but even that little movement required more effort than he could spare. It took everything he had simply to breathe and to keep his eyes on Jesse’s face.
The honk of a horn behind them sent Chris cowering against the hospital wall.
“It’s just Caine and Macklin,” Jesse said, taking Chris’s arm and leading him toward the car. “Come on. You’ll feel better once you’re in the car and less exposed.”
Chris followed Jesse to the car, climbing in.
“What did the doctor say?” Caine asked as soon as the door closed.
“In a minute,” Jesse replied, wrapping his arms around Chris. “He’s having another panic attack.”
“Another one?” Caine said. “Do we need to talk to the doctor about those before we get back out to the station?”
No! Chris wanted to shout, but he couldn’t force the words past the constriction in his throat.
“No,” Jesse said for him. “He hasn’t had a single one at the station, at least not that I’m aware of. It’s being back in Yass that’s causing it. Is there any way we can go back to Boorowa tonight instead of staying here? It won’t be the station, but it won’t be Yass either.”
“I guess we could,” Macklin said. “We haven’t checked into the hotel here yet. It would mean having a late dinner, but we’re well enough known around town that I don’t think it would be a problem.”
“If we could stop at Woolworths before we leave town, I have a couple of things I need to grab,” Jesse added. “It’ll only take a few minutes.”
The normality of the conversation, not to mention the possibility of leaving Yass, helped ease some of Chris’s panic. He still wanted to pull a blanket over his head so no one could see him, but at least he could breathe again.
“We’d already planned a stop there anyway,” Macklin said. “Caine can stay in the car with Chris while you and I go inside to get what we need, unless you want me to pick something up for you.”
A fresh jolt of panic hit Chris at the thought of Jesse telling Macklin what he intended to buy. He didn’t think Macklin would care, but he really didn’t want to find out otherwise if he did, especially not right now.
“No, I’ll go in with you,” Jesse said. “I need to see what they have.”
Chris breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed against the back of the seat until they reached the store and Macklin and Jesse went inside. The moment Jesse was out of his sight, Chris felt the panic clawing at his throat again.
“When will the ewes have their babies?” he asked, trying to focus on anything other than Jesse’s absence.
“Soon,” Caine said, “although you’ll have to ask Macklin if you want more details than that. This is my first lambing season too.”
“Why did you come to Lang Downs?” Chris asked. “I mean, I know it belonged to your uncle and all, but you’re a long way from home.”
“I n-needed to d-do something d-different,” Caine said. The sudden return of the stutter surprised Chris. He’d noticed it occasionally when they were in Yass and Boorowa before, but it hadn’t ever been this strong.
“Do you miss your family?”
“Of c-course,” Caine said, “but we e-mail and t-talk on Skype, and they’re coming to visit at Christmas. Mom said she’s looking forward to a break from the c-cold and snow.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Chris said. “It’s cold around Christmas where you’re from.”
“We had a white Christmas more years than not when I was growing up,” Caine replied. “And then I moved to Philadelphia and we got even more snow. It will be strange to have Christmas in the middle of the summer. Are you feeling better now?”
Chris paused to take stock and realized he was. “Yes, thanks.”
“Good. I’m glad Jesse was there to help you at the hospital. I wouldn’t have wanted you to have a panic attack without someone else around.”
“Jesse’s right. It’s just being here in Yass that’s doing it to me,” Chris insisted. “I haven’t had anything like this at the station.”
“I’m glad you feel safe at the station,” Caine said. “Uncle Michael wanted it to be a place where people could feel at home and be themselves.”
“I’ve been thinking,” Chris said. “Now that the cast is off my arm, I’d like to work with the jackaroos more. I don’t mind helping Kami, but I’m really not a cook, not like he is. If I’m going to stay at Lang Downs, I need to find something I like to do, not just something to fill the time.”
“We never inte
nded the kitchen posting to be permanent,” Caine assured him. “You’ll need a little time for your elbow to recover before you can take on some of the heavier tasks, but there’s no reason you can’t start going out with the jackaroos to check on the sheep. Do you ride?”
“I’ve been on a horse before,” Chris said, “but I’m not sure I’d call that riding.”
Caine laughed. “I can sympathize. We’ll see what Macklin thinks, but I think I’ve reached the point where you could have Titan and I could move to a different horse.”
“I don’t want to take your horse,” Chris protested.
“He’s not my horse,” Caine said with a laugh. “He’s the horse Macklin gave me when he didn’t trust me to ride any of the others. He’s a good horse. He helped me save Neil’s life, so don’t think I’m giving you some broken down old thing, but from the sound of it, you need his steadiness more than I do now. After six months of riding almost every day, I’m a lot more confident than I was when I started. And if you don’t want to ride, you can drive one of the utes, but like Macklin told me the first time I went out with him, you can’t be nearly as involved in a ute as you can be on horseback.”
“It might be safer until I’m sure my arm isn’t going to give out on me, but I like the sound of being outside that way.”
“There’s nothing like it,” Caine said with a content smile. “I couldn’t go back now if I wanted to.”
Looking at the window of the car at the “bustling” town of Yass, Chris thought he could understand that. “Do you miss the city at all?”
Caine shrugged. “When I l-lived in Philadelphia, I went to the symphony or the ballet occasionally, but it wasn’t something I did every weekend or even once a month. When I n-need that again, Macklin and I will go to Sydney for a few days.”
Chris tried to imagine Macklin sitting through a symphony performance without any luck, but he’d been around the two men long enough to know Macklin would go if Caine asked. Macklin would go to hell and back if Caine asked.
JESSE LINGERED as long as he could on buying the rest of the things he needed (or the things he claimed to need so he’d have an excuse to go shopping) before going to look for condoms. He hoped he’d waited long enough that Macklin would already be checking out or even outside. He rounded the corner of that aisle and came face to face with Macklin. Jesse glanced at the items Macklin was carrying, turning beet red when he saw the bottle of lube in his hand.
“I just… that is….”
“Get your condoms and hurry up,” Macklin said. “Chris and Caine are waiting, and I don’t want Chris to have another panic attack.”
Jesse groaned with embarrassment as Macklin walked off. After everything he’d done in an attempt to be discreet, Macklin had seen right through him. He grabbed a box of condoms and headed to checkout. At least by the time he got there, Macklin had already finished his purchases and was walking outside so Jesse didn’t have to endure that knowing stare as he paid. He wasn’t sure how he was going to carry his bag to his room in Boorowa, though, knowing Macklin knew what was inside. He’d be terribly self-conscious sneaking into Chris’s room. Maybe it would be better to wait until they got back to Lang Downs, except that with Chris’s panic attacks, Jesse wasn’t sure it was a good idea to leave Chris alone.
Deciding he’d worry about it when they got to Boorowa, Jesse walked back out to the car and summoned a smile for Chris and Caine.
“Did you get everything you needed?” Caine asked.
Jesse flushed again. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “No worries.”
“What’s wrong?” Chris asked sotto voce as Macklin started the car and headed out of town.
“I’ll tell you later,” Jesse whispered back. “Are you all right? No more panic attacks?”
“No,” Chris said, “but I’ll be glad to be back at the station where I know everyone. I don’t feel safe here.”
Jesse couldn’t imagine what Chris had to be feeling, back in the town where he’d been beaten nearly to death. He squeezed Chris’s thigh in encouragement. “You’re safe with us,” he promised.
“I know,” Chris said, “but that doesn’t seem to stop the butterflies in my stomach from choking me.”
“We’ll be in Boorowa in an hour,” Jesse assured him. “You can lock yourself in your hotel room if you need to.”
“I don’t want it to come to that,” Chris said. “I want to be able to enjoy dinner with you and with whoever else is still around. Now that the cast is gone and I can start helping more, I want to get to know everyone better. I want to be part of the team.”
“You can hang out in the bunkhouse in the evenings,” Jesse suggested. “Even if you go back to the station house to sleep, you can come join the rest of us until it’s time for lights out.”
“I could probably move into the bunkhouse at this point,” Chris said. “I mean, I stayed in the station house at first because I was working in the kitchen and because of Seth, but I won’t be working in the kitchen much longer, and Seth doesn’t need me the way he did when we first got to the station. I haven’t seen him as happy and relaxed as he is now since Mum married Tony.”
“There’s an extra bunk, I think,” Jesse said, wishing he could suggest Chris share his bunk, but he doubted the other jackaroos would be willing to accept that. They might overlook Caine and Macklin, and they might even overlook Chris and Jesse if they were discreet, but he doubted they’d want to know what Chris and Jesse would get up to if they were sharing a room.
Not wanting to think about that right now, he changed the subject. “We should do some of those stretches the doctor told you about so you can get your flexibility back as soon as possible. You don’t want to hurt your elbow trying to work before you’re ready.”
“MR. ARMSTRONG, we didn’t expect you back tonight.”
“We weren’t expecting to be back tonight, Adelaide,” Macklin replied with a smile for the receptionist at the hotel where they always stayed when they were in Boorowa, “but we’ll need three rooms for the night.”
“I only have two left. I’m sorry,” she said. “If I’d known you were coming back, I could have saved them for you, but I didn’t know.”
“It’s fine,” Jesse interrupted. “Chris and I can bunk together. It’s no big deal.”
He hoped the tan on his cheeks hid the flush he could feel when Macklin turned and lifted an eyebrow, but fortunately the foreman didn’t say anything. “We’ll take the two rooms you have left, then.”
Adelaide handed them the keys. Macklin gave one to Caine and the other to Jesse. As they headed up the stairs to the rooms on the second floor, Macklin looked back over his shoulder at Jesse. “Just remember that the walls aren’t all that thick. Whoever has the room next to you will hear any loud noises.”
At Jesse’s side, Chris started coughing. Jesse let the other two go on ahead.
“What did you say to him in the store?” Chris asked when Caine and Macklin were out of earshot.
“Nothing,” Jesse said, “but he saw me buy the condoms. He, um, he was buying a bottle of lube.”
“So was he giving us permission or telling us not to mess around?”
“I don’t know,” Jesse said. “Come on. We shouldn’t discuss this out here where anyone could overhear.”
They found the room they’d been assigned for the night and let themselves inside. When the door shut behind them, Chris slumped down on the bed. “So what happened?”
Jesse came and sat beside him, pulling Chris into his arms. “I got everything else I needed, not that it was much, hoping Macklin would be done and at the checkout line before I went to get the condoms, but he was in that aisle when I got there. He just looked at me and told me to hurry up and get my condoms so you wouldn’t have another panic attack in the car waiting for me.”
“Did he sound upset?” Chris asked nervously.
“No, I don’t think so,” Jesse said, hugging Chris more tightly. “He was very matter of fact about it. I’m not sure
that makes it better or worse.”
“Better,” Chris said. “Embarrassing, but still better than having him upset and feeling like we’d have to sneak around even more to be together.”
“True,” Jesse said. “I could do without him knowing at all, though.” He wasn’t ashamed of being with Chris, but they hadn’t talked about anything beyond the moment, beyond enjoying a little release now and then. If Jesse wondered how much more it could become, that was his problem, and not one he intended to share with the station foreman or anyone else. Chris was tied to his brother, and that meant being tied to Lang Downs, at least for now, and Jesse’s employment would end in March. That left them only a few months of fun. Jesse intended to enjoy it rather than ruin it worrying about what couldn’t be. “I don’t want them making assumptions about us.”
“No,” Chris agreed. “I guess we’ll just have to not give them any more reason to do so.”
Jesse grinned. “How quiet can you be?”
Chris grinned back. “Maybe it’s your turn to be quiet.”
Jesse cocked an eyebrow. “If your arm is up to holding your weight.”
Fifteen
CAINE BIT his tongue all the way to the room he and Macklin would share for the night. He had no idea what had passed between Jesse and Macklin in the store in Yass, but something clearly had for Macklin to be as blunt in his comments now. Caine could only hope that also meant Macklin was coming around. He felt bad about using this to press the issue, and he couldn’t even say why it seemed so important to him, but he knew it was. As long as Macklin held back that one piece of himself, Caine wouldn’t be able to set aside the lingering fear that Macklin was somehow less committed to their relationship than Caine was.
It was a ridiculous notion, and he knew that too, but it didn’t change the niggling doubt. He’d given Macklin everything he had. He needed Macklin to do the same.
“Now who’s meddling?” he teased as soon as the door closed behind them.