by Ariel Tachna
He’d thought Jason was different, but obviously not. He reached the tractor shed and punched the wall as hard as he could. The wood could withstand the abuse and maybe if he let out some of the turmoil inside him now, he could hide it from everyone tomorrow. Pain shot up his arm, but he reveled in it. It served him right, coveting something he couldn’t have. His mother hadn’t been strict about much of anything, but he’d learned one lesson while he and Chris lived with their stepfather. Taking things that belonged to his stepsiblings guaranteed retribution from both them and his stepfather. He’d learned how to get them back in ways his stepfather wouldn’t notice or couldn’t pin on him, but that wouldn’t help him now, because even if he managed to get Samuels back for stealing Jason, Jason would never forgive him for messing things up for him.
He slammed his fist into the wall again. The sickening crunch turned his stomach. He fought down the bile that rose in his throat. He had to stop or he’d hurt his hand too badly to hide it. He had to be able to work tomorrow. Neil had said as much at dinner. He cradled his hand to his chest and leaned against the wall, his breath sawing in and out of his lungs. He gulped down bile again and stared up at the darkening sky as he tried to control his body’s reactions to the pain in his hand and the turmoil in his mind. He focused on his hand, letting it ground him to physical reality rather than the nebulous muck in his head.
When he could do more than just hold himself together by force of will alone, he looked down at his hand. The skin of his knuckles was broken and bleeding. He flexed his fist until the pain subsided a little. He could move all his fingers and make a fist, so hopefully he hadn’t broken anything. He’d wrap it so it wouldn’t get dirt in it, and he’d get to the shed early in the morning. Mechanics always had scrapes and bruises on their hands. He’d tell everyone he’d fought with a stuck bolt and lost. No one would know about the meltdown, and if things got to be too much, he’d press on the sore spots until his mind settled again. He didn’t know what he’d do when they healed, but he’d worry about that later. For now, he could cope.
He had to.
CHRIS’S VOICE caught Jason’s attention in time to see Seth barrel out of the canteen and into the deepening twilight. He waited the space of two heartbeats to see if Chris would go after his brother, but when he didn’t, Jason excused himself from the table. He’d hear it from Kami later about letting his food get cold, but Seth mattered more. Whatever had upset him, Jason needed to set it right.
He looked up and down the road from the veranda outside the canteen, but he couldn’t see Seth in either direction. He frowned as he considered where Seth might have gone.
“Looking for me?”
Jason focused on the voice to his left. Cooper lounged against the veranda support, an unlit cigarette between his full lips.
“I was looking for Seth,” Jason said honestly. Cooper’s face fell, reminding Jason of Thorne’s comment earlier in the day. He pushed his concern for Seth aside. Seth had Chris and Jesse to look out for him if something was really wrong. “But finding you is even better.”
Cooper’s expression brightened. He pulled the cigarette from his mouth. “And what are you going to do now that you’ve found me?”
“Depends on what you’re offering.” Jason relaxed into the easy flirting, reminiscent of their first night together. He had the next day off, specifically arranged so he could spend the day with Seth. Cooper had to work. Jason could spend the evening with his lover and the next day with his best friend. Even Seth couldn’t blame him for that.
NOT LOOKING good. Bleeding in the brain. Probable brain damage. Even if he lives, he may never work the station again.
Neil stared down at Sam’s text. Bloody fucking hell. He didn’t need that kind of news, even about a no-good son of a bitch like Devlin Taylor. He excused himself from the table. He had to tell Caine and Macklin.
“Got a few minutes, boss?” Neil asked as he approached the table where they were sitting.
“Of course,” Caine said. “What’s going on?”
“Sam just texted me.” He handed the phone to Caine and Macklin so they could read the message. “I haven’t talked to him, so I don’t know what Jeremy’s planning, if he’s even gotten that far, but this is a game changer.”
“So it is,” Caine replied. “We can move people around, maybe promote one of the jackaroos who’s been here more than one season. I can pick up the slack in the office until we can hire a new office manager.”
“Are you firing Sam?” Neil asked sharply.
“You know I’d never do that.” Neil flinched at the gentle reproof in Caine’s voice. He hated letting Caine down in even the smallest ways.
“Sorry,” Neil said. “This has thrown me off.”
“I know. I don’t have a brother, but it’s unsettling for all of us. If Jeremy goes to Taylor Peak to help his brother, or to run the station if Taylor dies, Sam will go with him, and we’d be selfish to expect anything else. Sam could potentially come here a couple of times a week to keep up with some of the business side of things, but Jeremy will need help on Taylor Peak too, and his degree is in animal husbandry, not in business. It wouldn’t be fair to Sam to have to juggle both stations. I may spend most of my time outdoors these days, but I do have a business degree. I can manage the office until we find someone new.”
“And if Taylor won’t let them help?” Neil asked.
“Then we’ll go on as we always have,” Macklin said. “What happens on Taylor Peak is only our business as it affects Jeremy or if they try to start something again. Taylor’s personal opinions aside, things have been peaceful for the past few years. We won’t be the ones to rock that boat.”
“What should I tell Sam?” Neil asked.
“Tell him we’re all thinking about them and to let us know how we can help,” Caine said. “And then tell him he and Jeremy are officially on leave of absence for as long as they need. They have enough to worry about without adding their jobs here to the list. We’ll make do without them until things settle enough for them to come home.”
“Thanks, boss. I’ll let them know.”
Neil texted Sam back as he walked out of the canteen. The message had barely finished sending when his phone vibrated again.
Don’t ever do something stupid enough for this to be you.
I won’t, Neil texted back, even if he couldn’t realistically make that promise. Even the best riders got thrown sometimes. He paused for a moment, then added, If I can help, I will. Even if it means making nice with Taylor.
Thanks.
Neil had expected more than that, some sort of quip about him growing up or learning to control his temper or any of the hundred things Sam and Molly teased him about. Sam’s silence worried Neil. Not that it was the right time for teasing, but Neil would give them another couple of hours and then he’d call Sam. If things took a turn for the worse, he wanted to know about it. He didn’t give a shit about Taylor, but he did care what happened to Jeremy.
JASON STIRRED in Cooper’s arms. Every muscle in his body was lax with postorgasmic bliss, but his mind wouldn’t settle. He kept seeing Seth run from the canteen. “I should go back to my own room. You have to work tomorrow, and I don’t want to disturb you.”
“You don’t ‘disturb’ me.” Cooper nuzzled Jason’s neck. Jason resisted the urge to push Cooper away. He didn’t want to fight with Cooper over it, but he was going back to his own room tonight.
“Then I should go back so you don’t wake me up in the morning.” He kissed Cooper to soften his insistence on leaving. Cooper tried to deepen the kiss, but Jason pulled away and sat up. His shirt and jeans were near the door, so Cooper would get a show when he walked over to get them. That would have to hold Cooper for a while.
Cooper grumbled a little, but he didn’t sound too upset, so Jason winked at him before he bent over to pick up his clothes. Cooper grinned at that and leered comically at him. Jason breathed a sigh of relief. He really didn’t want a fight. He just wante
d his own bed and a few hours to sort out what having Seth home for good would mean for his peace of mind. Once he’d figured that out and put everything in its proper perspective, he could spend Saturday with Seth, find his balance again, and relax into his relationship with Cooper. He’d be fine by tomorrow night. He simply needed a little time and space right now.
When Jason was dressed, he turned back to Cooper. “Be careful out there tomorrow. I don’t know exactly what happened on Taylor Peak, but falling off a horse could happen to anybody. I don’t want you to be rushed to the hospital.”
“I’m always careful,” Cooper said with easy confidence. Jason hadn’t seen anything to refute that, so he accepted the assertion. Cooper rose and strode across the room completely naked. Jason took a moment to admire his wiry build and the way the light and shadow played across his muscles. Cooper slid his arms around Jason’s waist, resting his hands on the curve of Jason’s arse, so Jason took that as permission to fondle Cooper’s arse in return. Jason kissed him softly. Cooper squeezed his handful again as he returned the kiss. “Sure I can’t convince you to stay?”
“Not tonight.” Jason gave Cooper’s bare skin a light swat. “Get some sleep. I meant what I said about being careful, and you can’t do that if you’re falling asleep in the saddle.”
“Fine, but tomorrow night, I’m not taking no for an answer.”
They’d see about that tomorrow night. Jason enjoyed Cooper’s company—and the sex was a nice bonus—but if he spent too many nights in Cooper’s bed, the year-rounders would have them paired off and moving into a house of their own before he could blink, and he couldn’t picture that at the moment. Maybe someday, but not yet.
Or at least not with Cooper, his traitorous mind supplied. He could all too easily imagine it with Seth. Except for the one small detail of Seth being straight.
“I’ll see you tomorrow night,” Jason replied. He gave Cooper one more quick kiss and pulled out of the embrace. He checked the hallway and slipped down to his room. He hadn’t made his relationship with Cooper a secret, but he didn’t want to listen to the teasing if anyone saw him coming out of Cooper’s room either.
Safely ensconced in his own room, Jason stripped back down to his underwear. He needed a shower to get rid of the sweat and lube, but if he headed to the shower block, he ran the risk of running into Cooper. They’d shared the shower, both before and after becoming lovers, but Jason wasn’t in the mood for it tonight. He’d wait and shower in the morning, when everyone was already out in the paddocks. He could just be sweaty until then.
He crawled between the sheets and tried to relax. Usually he had no trouble falling asleep after sex, even if he got up before going to sleep, but sleep wouldn’t come. He kept seeing Seth tearing out of the canteen. He rolled over and looked at the clock by his bed: 10:08. Too late to go knocking on Chris and Jesse’s door, asking to talk to Seth. Chris had agreed to take Jeremy’s crew again the next day, giving up his day off. Jason probably should have offered in Chris’s place, but he wasn’t technically a crew boss, even if he knew as much about the station as anyone else did.
He didn’t regret having the day to spend with Seth. E-mails, Skype, and the like were better than nothing, but they couldn’t compare to a day spent together in person. He’d volunteer to cover for Chris on Sunday so Chris could spend some time with Seth too.
Four
“HOW IS he this morning?” Jeremy asked Devlin’s floor nurse when they arrived at the hospital. Visiting hours didn’t start for another two hours, but he couldn’t stare at the walls of the hotel where they’d spent the night for one more minute. Even if he paced the waiting room instead of the hotel room, he’d be close if anything happened, good or bad. He wanted to believe it would be good, but either way, he’d be here.
“No change. The doctors are doing rounds now, so maybe they’ll have more news for you after they’ve seen him this morning.” She sounded tired, but that could just as easily be because she was at the end of a night shift as because no change was bad news. Sam rubbed the small of Jeremy’s back, making his stomach fall. If Sam felt the need to comfort Jeremy, he thought the news was discouraging.
“Thank you,” Jeremy said. “I’ll talk to the doctors in a bit, then.”
She gave him a forced smile and went back to her duties.
“No change is better than a change for the worse,” Jeremy said doggedly when he turned back to look at Sam.
“It is, but it’s not good news. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up too much.”
“What I am supposed to do?” Jeremy demanded. “Just give up on him?”
“Of course not,” Sam said as he led Jeremy to the row of chairs lining the wall near the window. “But the longer he stays unconscious, the harder his recovery will be when he wakes up.”
Jeremy hated the unspoken thought at the end of Sam’s sentence. “If he wakes up. You might as well say it. Not talking about it doesn’t make it less of a possible outcome.”
“I’m trying to stay positive.”
“So am I, but it’s hard. Even if he wakes up right now, he’s not going back to running the station tomorrow,” Jeremy said. “And that means fighting with him over who’s going to run the station in his place, not to mention listening to him go on about how if he had a ‘real’ brother, it wouldn’t be an issue because he could just ask his brother to cover for him. But since he’s stuck with a pillow biter who’d rather fuck around on Lang Downs than live up to his family name, he’ll just have to make do on his own.”
“This is not your fault,” Sam said so fiercely Jeremy could almost believe him. “Even when you tried to be who he wanted you to be, he made your life miserable. No one could expect you to live with that kind of abuse. And you didn’t tell him not to hire a new foreman after Williams retired. He could have found someone to help him, even if it wasn’t you. This was an accident, nothing more, nothing less.”
“Maybe,” Jeremy said, “but you know he won’t see it that way.”
“That’s his problem, not yours,” Sam insisted.
If only that were true, but as strained as their relationship had been since Jeremy grew old enough to see Devlin’s prejudices, enough of the adoring younger brother still lived in his psyche for Devlin’s words to hurt. He made himself smile at Sam as he reached for his hand. “Don’t ever take Neil for granted. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but you’re lucky to have him for a brother.”
“You know he thinks of you as his brother-in-law,” Sam said. “Even if the worst happens with Devlin, you’ll still have a family.”
Jeremy blinked hard, fighting tears. He couldn’t cry here, not while Devlin still held on by a thread. He had to be strong. “You don’t know how much that means to me.”
“I do,” Sam said. “I thought I’d lose Neil if he found out I was gay. To have him accept me… I know how lucky I am. I came to Lang Downs with next to nothing, expecting to lose what little I had left, and instead I found a new family, a new home, a new relationship with my brother, and you. If I could change Devlin’s mind, I would do it because I know how much it tears at you every time he rejects you because of me.”
“Not because of you,” Jeremy said, “or not only because of you. He’d reject me for being gay even if I was still single. Having you is what makes his rejection bearable.”
Sam pulled Jeremy into a tight hug. Jeremy clung to him. Without Sam’s support…. He burrowed deeper into the curve of Sam’s neck. That thought didn’t bear consideration. He had Sam’s support, and no matter what happened with Devlin and Taylor Peak, that wouldn’t change. Sam might not be a stockman, born and bred in the tablelands, but he was Jeremy’s bedrock as completely as the land that rooted him.
Sam let him cling, waiting patiently until Jeremy no longer felt like he’d shatter into a million pieces without Sam to hold him together. Eventually his stomach rumbled, breaking the weight of the moment.
“I guess we should find food while we wai
t for the doctors,” Jeremy said.
“I can find something if you want to stay here,” Sam offered.
It would be so easy to agree, but staying wouldn’t change anything or speed up how quickly the doctors came out to talk to them. If nothing else, going to get breakfast would make the time pass faster. “No, I’ll come with you. It’ll do me good to walk around a bit. I’m not used to sitting still.”
“MACKLIN, DO you have a minute?” Seth said when he caught the station owner after breakfast.
“I can spare one or two.” Ten years ago, the expression—or lack thereof—on Macklin’s face would have sent Seth running for the hills, but he’d learned to see beneath the stoicism and recognize when Macklin really didn’t have time for an interruption.
“Somewhere private?”
Macklin looked surprised but led Seth out of the canteen and into the big house. “What’s on your mind?”
“I… um… I want to come home,” Seth blurted out. “Not just for a visit, but to stay.” Macklin cocked an eyebrow at him and waited, so Seth took a deep breath and plowed on. “I hate Sydney. I mean, I don’t hate it, but it’s big and noisy and people expect things, and it’s not home.”
“People will expect things here too,” Macklin said. “That’s part of being an adult.”
“I know that, but the expectations here are that I’ll work hard and pull my own weight, and that if I fuck up, I’ll admit it and get help to fix it,” Seth said. “I can live with those expectations. It’s all the other ones I hate.”
Macklin nodded, his expression suggesting he understood exactly what Seth was talking about. As far as Seth knew, Macklin hadn’t lived anywhere but Lang Downs since he was a kid, but from the stories he’d heard, Macklin had hidden in plain sight until Caine came along and dragged him out into the open, changing the complexion of Lang Downs for good.