by Ariel Tachna
Seth swallowed hard and set the point of the razor to his other leg. Just a little puncture.
“Seth?” The door swung open, startling Seth. The razor dug deep into his leg.
“Get out!” Seth spat, spinning so Jason couldn’t see the blood on his leg.
“Seth, what’s going on?” Jason said.
“I said get out,” Seth repeated.
“No. What is this?” Jason grabbed Seth’s wrist and lifted the bloody razor to chest height. “What were you doing?”
“None of your goddamn business,” Seth said. He tried to pull his hand away, but Jason didn’t let go.
“You’re bleeding. Did you cut yourself?”
“No shit,” Seth said. He pulled again and this time Jason let him go. He tossed the razor in the sink and reached for the peroxide in the cabinet. It would hurt less than the alcohol, and with Jason standing right there, Seth didn’t want any more questions. He didn’t expect to get that lucky, but he could hope.
Jason stood there in silence as Seth cleaned and bandaged the cut on his leg. He hadn’t meant to cut that deeply. This one would probably leave a scar. It served him right. It would be a good reminder not to hope for things he couldn’t have. He pulled his jeans back on and pushed past Jason into the hall. Jason followed him into his bedroom. Seth glared at him, but Jason ignored it.
“What happened?”
“You know what happened,” Seth said. “I cut myself with a razor. It bled. I bandaged it up, and now I’m going to bed. And no, you can’t stay tonight. I don’t want company. I don’t want you.”
“Stop it,” Jason said. “Why are you being like this?”
Seth didn’t answer. He just lay down on the bed with his back to Jason. “Turn off the light on your way out.”
“Okay, I’ll leave tonight,” Jason said, “but this isn’t over. We’re going to talk about this and we’re going to find a solution to whatever it is. I meant what I said about not giving up just because things get complicated.”
“Good-bye, Jason,” Seth said. He could feel tears building in the corners of his eyes, but he fought them back. He wouldn’t let Jason see him cry.
“We’ll talk in the morning,” Jason repeated.
Seth didn’t reply. Jason left and turned the light off, and Seth let the tears fall. He should’ve known better. He didn’t belong here with Jason. He didn’t belong anywhere. He’d pack his bag in the morning. They were shorthanded on Taylor Peak. Sam and Jeremy would let him stay for a few days while he figured out what to do next.
Fifteen
JASON TOSSED and turned in his bunk all night, too worried about Seth to sleep well. He rose early and headed to Chris and Jesse’s house, hoping to catch Seth before he went to breakfast. Maybe cornering him before they’d had caffeine was a bad idea, but if he missed Seth that morning, anything could happen before he found Seth again.
The image of the bloody razor haunted him. Why would Seth do that? Why would anyone hurt themselves deliberately? He tried to think back to when he and Seth both lived on the station, and even to the times they’d both been home from uni together, to see if he could find a pattern of odd behavior. Seth’s hands were always torn up, but so were Jason’s dad’s. His mum scolded his dad for it, but he’d always replied that anyone who worked on engines was going to end up with busted knuckles or worse. It was part of the job description. Jason could remember Seth’s hands being similarly scraped up, but nothing that would suggest deliberation. That cut on his leg hadn’t been an accident, though. He’d intended to do that.
He knocked on the door to Chris and Jesse’s house out of habit rather than necessity, but he didn’t wait for an answer before walking in. He hadn’t needed an invitation in years.
He found Chris and Jesse sitting at the small table in the kitchen.
“Sorry to show up so early,” Jason said, “but I need to talk to Seth.”
“You’ll have to find him first,” Chris said. “He’s gone. He left a note.”
Chris pushed a piece of paper across the table to Jason.
Chris,
I can’t stay. I’m sorry. I’ll call when I get settled, but don’t tell Jason where I’ve gone.
Seth
“You don’t listen very well,” Jason said hoarsely as he tried to make sense of the note.
“My brother is a bloody idiot who wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him in the arse,” Chris said. “And since you didn’t get that chance before he rabbited, I figure he’s got it in his head he’s doing you a favor by leaving this way.”
“How is this supposed to be a favor?” Jason asked. “We were supposed to move into Sam and Jeremy’s house. We were supposed to be happy.”
“Seth hasn’t had a lot of practice with happiness,” Chris said. “I don’t think he trusts it very much.”
Jason tried not to be hurt by that, but he couldn’t stop it from stinging. “Does he cut himself a lot?”
“Sure, but every mechanic does,” Jesse said. “It goes with the job.”
“No, not like that,” Jason said. “I walked into the bathroom last night intending to check the cut on his hand from the tractor, and I found him with a razor against his leg and blood dripping down his thigh. Did you know about this?”
Chris shook his head. “You’re sure it was intentional? I mean, he didn’t just cut himself because you startled him?”
“If he’d cut his cheek or jaw, I’d believe that,” Jason said, “but why would he have the razor against his leg? He wouldn’t talk to me, so I don’t know what he was thinking, but it all seems really odd. I caught him cutting himself, he wouldn’t let me stay with him last night, and this morning, he’s gone.”
“He used to get in fights a lot,” Chris said. “Before we came here, but things were tough and we didn’t have a lot of stability. I figured that was why. He never started it, and I did my best to keep him out of trouble, but I could only do so much. If he was cutting himself then, I didn’t know about it, but I’m not sure I would have noticed. I was working a shit job with ridiculous hours to try to pay for a place to live so he could go to school. Most days I wasn’t home before he went to sleep, and he left for school before I woke up. He could have been doing anything and I wouldn’t have known.”
“This isn’t your fault,” Jesse said. “Whatever Seth’s problems are, you did everything you could to provide for him and protect him.”
“He idolizes you,” Jason agreed. “He talks trash like nobody’s business, but never about you.”
“What do we do now?” Jesse asked.
“I don’t know about you,” Jason said, “but I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to find the stupid dropkick and drag him back here by his short hairs. I’m going to sit him down and explain to him that he doesn’t get to do this to the people who love him. He can’t tell me he loves me, promise to move in with me when the house is ready, and then run. That’s not how relationships work. Now I just have to figure out where he went.”
“He said he’d call,” Chris said. “He took his phone. I could try calling him. If we have an idea of where he is or where he’s going, it would narrow down your search.”
“I’d appreciate any help you can give me,” Jason said. “I’ll fight for him, but I have to find him first.”
Chris’s phone lit up where it sat on the table. “Hello?”
Someone on the other end spoke.
“Hi, Sam. Seth’s there? That’s good. Can you keep him there? Jason would like to talk to him, and I think that’s best done in person.” Chris frowned at whatever Sam was saying. “Okay. If you think that’s best. I’ll tell Jason. Keep us posted, though, yeah? Thanks, mate. Talk to you soon.”
“What did he say?” Jason asked.
“Seth showed up at Taylor Peak this morning asking if he could stay for a few days while he figures out what to do next,” Chris said. “Sam and Jeremy could use the help, so they said he was welcome as long as he wanted to stay if he’d help out whi
le he was there. Sam said Seth looked relieved at that. Sam asked us to give him a few days to see if he can get to the bottom of the problem before we go rushing over there. At least if he’s there, someone can keep an eye on him. If he runs again, he could end up anywhere.”
“I have to take the sutures out of Jeremy’s horse day after tomorrow,” Jason said. “I can’t really delay that. I’ll wait that long, but then I’m going to talk to Seth.”
“Think long and hard about this,” Jesse said. “I don’t know what’s going on in Seth’s head, but I can take a couple of guesses. The longest he’s ever lived in any one place is the three years he spent here before you went off to uni. You’re the only friend he’s kept in all the moving around. I never hear him talk about anyone else. Oh, the girlfriend of the moment, yes, but not his mates. You are every good thing Seth has ever known all wrapped up in one, and if I’m right, that scares the shit out of him. So you have to decide how much he means to you. Do you love him enough to deal with his insecurities and his hang-ups and whatever his issues are? Because if you aren’t completely sure you do, you need to let him go. Loving you will be the making or the breaking of him. Obviously we’d prefer it if you didn’t break him.”
“He’s already broken enough,” Jason said softly. “I don’t care what I have to do to make it better. I just need to know what that is.”
“He probably doesn’t know,” Chris said. “If he did, he’d have told you. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but he trusts you more than he trusts anyone else. Even more than he trusts me.”
“Then why did he run? Why didn’t he talk to me?” Jason asked.
“He’s the only one who can answer that, but he’s probably ashamed of what he did,” Jesse said. “I knew a bloke in high school who cut himself. When everyone found out, he tried to commit suicide because he couldn’t deal with people knowing. He didn’t succeed and an aunt and uncle stepped in to make sure he got help, but it was a touch-and-go thing for a while. It isn’t a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s better than some alternatives.”
“I guess I have some reading to do, then,” Jason said. “Maybe I can figure out what he needs, or at least figure out alternatives to give him.” He looked at Chris and then at Jesse. “Maybe he can’t believe my promises right now, so I’ll promise you instead. I love him enough to stay, no matter what.”
“Keep telling him that,” Chris said. “Eventually he’ll have no choice but to believe it.”
“I will,” Jason promised. “I’d better get to work.”
AS SOON as Jason left, Jesse reached for Chris’s hand. By the time he’d met Chris, Seth was mostly grown, so he didn’t have the same sense of responsibility that Chris did, but even after just the three years Seth had lived with them, learning how much Seth was struggling tore at Jesse’s heart. He could only imagine what it was doing to Chris.
Chris grabbed his hand and hung on tight. “I knew things were bad before we got here, but I thought they were better after that. How did I miss this?”
“He didn’t want you to know,” Jesse replied. It wouldn’t give Chris any more comfort than it gave him, but it was the truth. “He wanted you to settle in at Lang Downs and make your own life.”
“Taking care of him has been part of my life for as long as I can remember,” Chris said. “That didn’t stop being important just because I met you.”
“Said every parent ever,” Jesse agreed, “but part of growing up is learning to take care of yourself, and he wasn’t a child anymore when you arrived here, much less now. He’s entitled to his secrets.”
“You’re supposed to be on my side,” Chris grumbled.
“I am,” Jesse assured him. “I will always be on your side, but in this case, it’s not a question of sides. You’re beating yourself up for something that isn’t your fault, and I’m not going to sit by and watch you do that.”
“What do I do now?” Chris asked. “I don’t have the slightest idea how to help him.”
“I think that depends on him,” Jesse replied. “He’s an adult now, and as much as your inclination—and mine—is to pull him back here and watch over him, we can’t do that unless he asks for help.”
“He’s hurting himself, Jesse! He’s picking up a razor and slicing into his skin. How do we just let him be?” Chris protested. “If he cuts himself the wrong way, he could bleed to death.”
Jesse shuddered at the thought of walking into Seth’s bedroom one morning and finding him dead in a pool of blood with his razor still in his hand. “Unless I miss my guess, this isn’t the first time he’s done this. And if he’s been doing it awhile, he’s figured out how to get what he needs out of it without doing permanent damage.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better.”
“It should,” Jesse said. “I told you I knew a kid who used to cut as a way of coping. When he could do it and no one knew, he managed to function pretty normally. The problem came when people found out and started pressuring him to stop. No, it’s not healthy, and yes, we want to help him find better ways of coping, but if we hound him into running and make him feel like he can’t come to us because of his cutting, things are going to get worse, not better.” He tugged on Chris’s hand until Chris moved from his chair and settled in Jesse’s lap.
“We aren’t going to leave him to suffer alone. We’re going to offer him what he needs and is ready to accept, whatever that is. And if we can’t figure out what that is, maybe Thorne and Ian can help.” He nuzzled Chris’s shoulder. “And you aren’t going to deal with it by yourself, either. I’m not Seth’s brother, but I’m still in this all the way.”
“You are Seth’s brother in every way that counts,” Chris insisted. “He looks to you as much as he looks to me when he needs help.”
“And I’ll give it to him this time too,” Jesse promised. “Just like I’m going to give it to you. You can’t blame yourself for this, and don’t tell me you aren’t. You did everything you could and far more than most people would have to take care of him after your mum died. Don’t think I don’t know it. And don’t think he doesn’t, either. I said it before, but I’m saying it again. He worships you.”
“I still should have known.”
Jesse held Chris tighter, offering comfort the only way he knew how. He didn’t know what would happen or how they’d make this work, but it didn’t matter. He’d stand by Chris—and Seth by extension—no matter what.
“JASON,” MACKLIN called as Jason was about to leave the canteen after breakfast. “Ride out with me today? A couple of sheep were acting off yesterday. If they’re sick, we need to get them isolated before it can spread to the rest of the mob.”
“I was supposed to ride out with Kyle today,” Jason said. “Did you let him know he’d be one short?”
“I spoke with him before breakfast. He knows I’ve borrowed you for the morning. If it’s nothing, you can join his crew after we’re done. If it’s something we need to take care of, he’ll make do without you.”
“Let me grab a couple of things from my room,” Jason said. “I’ll meet you at the tack room.”
Jason ran back to the bunkhouse and got a stethoscope and a thermometer. He could do that much in the field. If he needed to do a more thorough exam, they’d have to bring the sheep back to the shed. He whistled for Polly when he came back out. She’d be useful if they had to separate sheep from the mob and herd them back to the station. She came loping up with a goofy grin on her face. She was getting grizzled around her muzzle, but her eyes were still bright with intelligence and she showed no signs of slowing down. “You ready, girl? Let’s go check some sheep.”
She yipped at him excitedly and jogged along beside him as he went to meet Macklin. Macklin had Ned and Brownie saddled already.
“Dani will be jealous,” Jason said. “She still thinks Brownie is her horse.”
“Just because I let Dani name her doesn’t mean she’s the only one who can ride her,” Macklin replied. Jason grinned. Ma
cklin had perfected the stony foreman act before Jason ever moved to the station, but the station’s children had always been his weak spot. Dani and Liam had the entire station wrapped around their little fingers, and Macklin was no exception.
“You said the sheep were acting off,” Jason said as they rode north out of the valley. “Can you be more specific?”
“Not grazing, standing off by themselves, acting listless.” Macklin ticked the list off on his fingers as he spoke. “Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe they ate something they shouldn’t have. But since you’re here anyway, it’s worth having you take a look.”
“Absolutely,” Jason said. They rode in silence until they’d passed the first gate and were out in the tablelands.
“I see a lot of myself in Seth,” Macklin said as they slowed from a canter so they could open the gate.
Jason didn’t answer as they opened the gate, rode through, and latched it behind them. “How so?” he asked when they were ready to ride on.
“When you’ve lost everything, and probably even more when you’ve never really had anything to begin with, it’s hard to believe in permanence,” Macklin replied. “I ran away from home rather than getting kicked out like Chris and Seth were, but I still lost everything. Michael took me in, and I will be forever grateful for that, but it took me more years than I care to admit before I stopped wondering when he’d change his mind and I’d have to leave again.”
“It’s been ten years,” Jason said. “Surely he knows by now Lang Downs will always be home if he wants it.”
“Maybe, although he hasn’t lived here for most of those ten years,” Macklin reminded him. “But it isn’t just about Lang Downs. It’s about people. When you can’t even count on your parents, who are supposed to love you no matter what, it’s kind of hard to believe anyone will love you enough to stay.”
“Is that why you fought so hard against loving Caine?” Jason asked.