by Tara Sivec
“I can’t believe you’re laughing at her!” she whispers. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”
He shrugs, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I asked her this morning if we had anything to fix a drain clog and she thought I asked for a blow job. I picked up ten cases of M-80’s on the way home from the hardware store.”
Aunt Claire makes a gagging noise and covers her ears while Uncle Drew gives grandpa a high five.
“You kids ready for the wedding?” Grandpa asks Gavin and Charlotte. “You gonna wear a fancy tux or get a new suit?”
“I ALREADY TOLD CLAIRE I DIDN’T WANT SOUP, GEORGE,” Sue shouts with a frown.
I watch as Charlotte’s eyes widen in horror and her face starts to turn green.
Aunt Claire and Uncle Carter both start talking very loudly about how there isn’t any soup, making sure to enunciate that word and drag it out each time they say it so Sue can understand them. The more they say it, the more Charlotte starts to look like she’s going to puke right here in front of everyone.
“Uuuggghhh,” I moan loud enough to make them stop talking. I put my hand on my stomach and grimace. “Please don’t say that word, it makes me sick.”
Grandpa George looks at me questioningly. “Why in tarnation would that word make you sick? Soup is delicious and good for you. We just had split pea soup with ham last night for dinner.”
Charlotte’s hand flies up to cover her mouth and Grandpa George notices out of the corner of his eye, turning his head in her direction.
“And what the hell is wrong with you? Don’t tell me soup makes you sick too? Has everyone in this family turned stupid?” he asks.
“WHY WOULD CUPID BE HERE? I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS A GRADUATION PARTY, NOT A VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY?” Sue yells to Grandpa George.
“Charlotte thinks she’s coming down with the flu,” Gavin explains, rubbing his hand soothingly against her back. “But Molly’s pregnant and that word makes her throw up.”
Everyone groans and Aunt Claire smacks Gavin’s arm. “Did you not hear me when I told you as soon as you got here that we weren’t going to tell grandpa about Molly right now?”
Gavin winces. “Oops, sorry. I totally forgot. Charlotte told me she cancelled the ice sculpture for the wedding and I got distracted.”
Uncle Drew throws up his hands and huffs. “No ice sculpture? Are you kidding me with this shit? What the hell am I going to lick at the reception? You guys ruin all the fun.”
I give Charlotte a knowing look and she rolls her eyes at me, her face finally returning to a normal color now that all the soup talk is finished.
“I was wondering if any of you girls would follow in your Aunt Claire’s footsteps,” Grandpa says with a sigh. “I hope you were smarter than her and at least know the guy’s name.”
“Heeeeeeeeey!” Aunt Claire protests, putting her hands on her hips.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were able to change history. If that’s the case, I can tell all the guys at the VFW my daughter got married and THEN got knocked up, like a good daughter should,” Grandpa states. “No offense, Molly.”
“None taken,” I reply, grabbing Marco’s arm and pulling him closer to my grandfather. “This is Marco, my boyfriend. Marco, this is Grandpa George.”
Marco holds out his hand and gives my grandfather a smile. “It’s nice to meet you, sir.”
Grandpa stubbornly keeps his hands in his pockets for a few seconds, finally removing one slowly. Instead of grabbing Marco’s hand, he sticks a toothpick in his mouth and starts to chew on it. After a few tense moments, he removes the toothpick and holds it up in front of Marco.
“See this here toothpick?”
Marco nods silently.
“If you don’t do right by my granddaughter, I will gouge out your eyes with it, then rip off your scalp and skull-fuck you,” he says quietly, sticking the toothpick back in his mouth.
“SOMEONE’S MOVING TO SUFFOLK?” Sue asks loudly.
“Well, this has been fun,” I mutter, grabbing Marco’s hand again before he passes out or runs away in fear. “I need a drink, who wants a drink?”
Everyone raises their hands and we all move towards the coolers my parent’s set up by the food tables. Opening the first one, I find it filled with ice and beer. Quickly grabbing two of the bottles, I hand one to Marco and then twist the top of mine, sighing happily when I hear the seal pop.
I bring the cold bottle up to my lips, my mouth watering for some much needed alcohol. The beer is an inch from my mouth when it’s quickly snatched out of my hands and replaced with a cup of apple juice.
“That baby already has enough problems with our family’s DNA flowing through it, don’t make it worse by getting it drunk,” my mother scolds, chugging the beer she just took from me.
I watch longingly as she downs half the bottle before she saunters off to greet more family members.
“So, hey, thanks again for the graduation party,” I tell Marco, trying not to glare at him while he drinks his beer. “If we ever do this again, let’s do it when I’m not fake pregnant and I can get wasted and pretend like I’m not related to any of these people.”
Marco laughs and leans forward, pressing a quick kiss to my lips. Just like with everything he does with me, it’s easy and natural and he makes it feel like he’s done it a million times before. I love that he organized this party for me, and I love that he made my family feel bad about not acknowledging my graduation, but would really love it if we were alone right now so he could kiss me again. I know that makes me sound all stupid and girly and exactly like my sisters, but I’m so distracted by his lips that I don’t care.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll distract everyone so you can sneak a few beers if you promise you won’t let your grandfather skull-fuck me,” he negotiates alcohol for protection like he’s been a part of this family for years.
I hold up my hand, putting my fingers in the same formation as Uncle Drew did earlier.
“Shocker Honor, I promise I will never let my grandfather skull-fuck you with a toothpick.”
Chapter 14
– I Have a Vagerie –
Marco
I can’t believe I agreed to this. What the hell was I thinking? Oh, I know. I was thinking that I’d do whatever Molly asked of me after she protected me from imminent skull-fuckage at her graduation party the other day. I was so happy to have my brain non-fucked with a toothpick that I told her I wanted to take her on a date. As much as I like her family now that they’ve decided not to kill me, I wanted to do something with her away from their prying eyes where we didn’t have to watch what we say about this whole pregnancy business. I made the mistake of telling her we could go wherever she wanted.
“Your mom likes this brand of wine, right?” Molly asks as we walk up the steps of my mother’s front porch.
Yep, Sunday dinner. Molly decided our first official date should be Sunday dinner with my family. I am so screwed.
“My mom likes anything with the name wine in it,” I joke. “Don’t worry about the wine. You should really be more concerned with my mother hitting you with a wooden spoon because I didn’t knock you up¸ while at the same time complaining I almost killed her when she thought I did knock you up.”
After the graduation party ended, I drove Molly back to Seduction and Snacks so she could get her car, and I told her all about how I had to come clean with my mom and sisters about what’s going on.
“I still can’t believe she goes to the same salon as my Aunt Claire,” Molly mutters. “And that the two of them went baby shopping and my aunt never said a word to me about it.”
Opening the door and motioning for her to go in ahead of me, I call for my mom as soon as we get inside.
Three sets of feet pound against the floor like a herd of elephants as my mom, Tessa, and Rosa all come racing out of the kitchen and down the hall.
Mom goes right up to Molly and pulls her in for a tight hug, kissing both of her cheeks before pulling back
to look her up and down.
“You’re prettier than your pictures on The Facebook,” she exclaims with an approving smile.
“It’s just Facebook, Mom,” Rosa tells her. “Hi, I’m Rosa.”
Mom moves out of the way so Rosa and Molly can meet.
“You know I don’t understand that interwebs thing,” Mom complains. “And you still haven’t fixed the remote so I can send those text message things and—”
“Molly, this is my other sister, Tessa!” I interrupt, hoping Molly doesn’t remember what I said in the car on the way to meet her family when I mentioned how Alfanso D.’s mother probably tries to send text messages from the television remote.
My sisters take turns giving Molly hugs as well and my mother ushers all of us into the living room.
“I thought we could have a nice little chat while the lasagna is baking,” she says, taking a seat on the couch.
“Wow, you have so many books,” Molly exclaims, walking over to the bookshelf and glancing at all the titles.
“I usually prefer autobiographies, but my daughters keep buying me romance novels,” Mom tells her as Molly walks the length of the built-in bookshelf along the back wall. “I really enjoyed that Fifty Hues of Black. It was quite spicy.”
My sisters laugh and I try not to let this information ruin my appetite.
“Mom, it’s called…you know what? Never mind, I’m just glad you enjoy them,” Tessa laughs.
“Oh, my God. I can’t believe you have a copy of this,” Molly states.
I watch in horror as she pulls Seduction and Sugar off the shelf and turns around, holding it up.
Oh, fuck. Please let these crazy women remember that Molly doesn’t know I’m the author yet. Please, for the love of God. I promise I’ll go to church more than just on Christmas and Easter. I promise not to masturbate more than two…make that four, times a week. I will let Grandpa George skull-fuck me AND give me a minivan and I’ll say ten Hail Mary’s for saying the word ‘skull-fuck’ in this prayer.
“Wow, you even have a signed copy,” Molly muses as she flips open the front cover.
Thank fuck I wrote that dedication in Italian because I knew it would make my mother forgive me for writing a dirty cookbook.
“What does it say?” she asks.
“It says, ‘Thank you for loving this cookbook and for your kind email telling me I’m the most decent, dedicated and delightful man you’ve ever known.’” I quickly tell her before my mother can open her mouth.
My sisters both cover their mouths to hide their laughter and my mother gives me the stink eye. She was not happy when I told her she needed to keep quiet about this until I had a chance to tell her myself.
“Well, that’s…nice. And unexpected,” Molly mutters, turning around to slide the cookbook back on the shelf. “I’ve had a few exchanges with the author on Facebook and he’s a real piece of work.”
She turns back around and my mother pats the spot on the couch. Molly sits down and when I move to take the spot next to her, my mother quickly slides up against Molly, forcing me to sit on the other side of my mother. I plop down with a sigh as my sisters both sit down across from us on the love seat.
“Marco, did I tell you that guy asked me out on a date on Facebook?” Molly asks with a laugh.
“You don’t say?” I reply, glaring over at Rosa while she beams at me.
“I happened to be on the author’s page the other day and saw your comment to him,” Rosa tells her. “He really does sound like a momma’s boy. Nice job on the cutting the cord comment.”
If I glare at my sister any harder, I’m going to pop a blood vessel in my forehead.
Molly laughs and rests her elbow on the arm of the couch. “Thanks, I was pretty proud of that one. Of course the guy had to go and apologize and be all nice. I’m sure it was just a publicity stunt. Now I don’t know what to think about the whole date thing.”
“I think you should go,” Tessa pipes up.
“Um, hello?” I mutter in irritation, waving my hand in the air. “Person she’s already dating, sitting right here.”
Sure, we haven’t been on an official date yet and we haven’t had a chance to talk about being exclusive, but I think fake knocking her up and being a fake baby daddy gives me the right to call this thing between us whatever I want.
“You and that Alfanso D. sound a lot alike,” Rosa muses. “I bet if Molly agrees to go out with him, she’d probably find out you’re almost like the same person.”
Why couldn’t I have been an only child?
“I think I have enough on my plate right now, so I think I’ll stick to just dating your brother,” Molly laughs, looking behind my mother’s head to give me a wink.
“Marco tells me you just graduated from the school where he teaches,” my mother states, pulling Molly’s eyes from mine. “I hope my son was a good teacher.”
Mom gives me a dirty look, a nice little warning that she will kick my ass if she hears anything bad about me, quickly turning and smiling at Molly like she didn’t just silently threaten to end my life.
“He was a very good teacher, one of the best,” Molly tells her.
I’m too busy patting myself on the back to predict the next words out of my mother’s mouth.
“I wish he’d spend more time focusing on teaching instead of writing that porn,” she complains.
If we were in a bar, I’m pretty sure you’d be able to hear the screech of a needle sliding across a record as the entire place goes silent.
Molly chuckles. “I’m sorry, I thought you just said writing porn.”
It’s like we’ve all started playing a game of freeze tag and the person who’s “it” is being a major asshole and refusing to unfreeze everyone. My sisters aren’t moving or blinking, my mouth is stuck in a blow-up doll “Oh” face, and I’m wondering how long a person can hold their own breath before passing out.
I’m pretty certain that I’m the asshole and I know I should say something—anything—to change the subject, but words are potatoes and four is a purple cat.
Molly realizes she’s the only one laughing and looks around the room at everyone’s shocked expressions.
“Um, Marco?” she asks softly.
“Ha ha, so, funny story,” Rosa pipes up and I finally breathe, taking back my wish to be an only child as long as she does something to fix this fucking situation.
“Marco here writes porn!” she announces. “Well, he likes to call them erotic stories, but whatever.”
So, I’ll just go ahead and die right about now.
“He’s quite good at it too,” Tessa adds, playing along with Rosa. “He writes fanfiction. Vampire Diaries fanfiction to be more specific. You should let her read the m/m one you did with Damon and Stefan.”
Tessa winks at me and I vow to make sure Valerie goes to her first day of preschool with a backpack filled with condom-covered bananas for show-and-tell.
I can see by the confused look on Molly’s face as she looks back and forth between my sisters, and I that she’s not sure if she should believe what they’re saying. I hope to God she doesn’t think I’d write a story like that. I mean, come on. Damon and Stefan are brothers, that’s just disgusting.
“Let’s talk about something else,” my mother suggests, folding her hands in her lap.
At least my mother loves me enough to stop this insanity before my sisters make it worse.
“Molly, has Marco ever told you about when he was thirteen and I found all of his socks stuck to the floor under his bed?” she asks Molly sweetly.
“I think we should talk about Molly and the awesome thing she’s doing for her sister,” I proclaim, stopping my mother before she goes off on a masturbation tangent.
Seriously, it’s like they get a sick thrill out of making me look like an asshole. A porn-writing, tube-sock-masturbating asshole.
“You must really love your sister,” Mom states. “Your Aunt Claire told me over lunch the other day that your family i
s very close.”
Molly nods. “I do, and we are. They drive me crazy, but I’d do anything for them. Clearly, since I’m lying to all of them just to make sure my sister gets to marry the man she’s been in love with since she was a little girl.”
The pounding of little feet echoes out in the hallway and a dark-haired ball of energy flies into the room and dives onto Tessa’s lap.
“Aren’t you supposed to be taking a nap, little girl?” Tessa asks Valerie as she wraps her arms around her daughter’s waist and pulls her back against her chest.
“Naps are dumb,” Valerie announces. “Who are you?”
She points at Molly and then squirms out of Tessa’s hold to march over and stand in front of her.
“I’m Molly,” she greets her with a smile.
“My name’s Vagerie.”
Everyone laughs when she says her name wrong and mom shoots Tessa a questioning look.
“Why is my granddaughter calling herself Vagerie?”
We hear a laugh from the doorway and I let out a sigh of relief when I see my brother-in-law standing there.
“Sorry, that’s my fault,” Danny explains. “Tessa told me we need to start using proper words for body parts whenever Val asks about them, and her new favorite word is vagina.”
Valerie nods excitedly, moving right up to Molly until she’s pressing her little body against Molly’s knees.
“I have a vagerie and are you the Molly that Mommy says Uncle wants to hump?”
I immediately cough and choke at the same time and my mother reaches over and pats me on the back.
“It’s okay, hump means pee, but I don’t think people are ‘opposed to pee on each other,” Valerie informs her before turning her head towards me. “Uncle, you aren’t gonna pee on her, are you?”
Jumping up from the couch, I grab Valerie’s hand and pull her towards the doorway.
“Come on, Val, let’s go run with scissors and light some matches.” I ignore the laughter coming from all four women in the room. “When we’re done, I’ll pour you a bowl of sugar and give you some Red Bull to wash it down.”
“YAAAAAAY I love sugar!” Valerie cheers as we walk passed Danny and I call him a traitor for laughing with everyone else.