by Tara Sivec
Tyler points his shot glass in Marco’s direction and smiles. He catches Charlotte glaring at him from across the room and shrugs.
“You had sex while you were babysitting our child?” Gavin scolds.
“She was safely strapped into her bouncy seat facing the wall, just like the cookbook instructed,” Tyler tells them with a roll of his eyes.
“Remind me again why we let him watch our daughter?” Gavin asks Charlotte.
“Because you wanted to practice chapter nine—Naptime Noodles and Nipples, to make sure we could really do it in thirty minutes or less,” Charlotte whispers.
Marco’s second cookbook took off bigger and better than the first one and he managed to save enough money to buy his own home. Since I decided it wasn’t right to take any of Charlotte and Gavin’s wedding money even though I earned it, I stayed with my parents until Marco closed on the house and asked me to move in with him.
By baking me a soufflé, that I’m happy to say he was able to get up, and keep up.
Mom leans forward on the couch and glances around the room with a confused look on her face.
“What’s up, slut? I thought we were doing T-Time?” Aunt Claire asks her.
“I just feel like we’re missing a few people,” mom mutters.
“Well, we did have a shit ton of kids, it’s hard to keep track of them all,” Dad tells her.
“It’s easy to forget what’s-their-names since we hardly ever mention them. Wait, isn’t one of them our daughter?” Uncle Carter asks.
“Shit, Sophia! That’s her name!” Aunt Claire shouts. “I think she’s away at college, right?”
Everyone shrugs and mumbles in agreement.
“Don’t forget Billy and Veronica, our two precious spawns of Satan,” Uncle Drew adds. “I haven’t heard from them since they joined the circus. I’m sure they’re fine.”
We all share a moment of silence for the three people we’ve mentioned once or twice before but never heard from again. Mom finally raises her glass, waiting for everyone else to do the same.
“Here’s to you, here’s to me, fuck you, here’s to me,” she states.
We all toss back our shots and dad grabs the remote from the arm of the couch next to him and aims it at the flat screen TV above the fireplace.
“Alright, you dirty fuckers, let’s see what Dicky Daren was nice enough to put together for us,” he says, pressing play on the DVD player.
My parents received a package in the mail yesterday with an apology letter from the production company about our documentary not airing on TV and enclosed a DVD that Dicky Daren put together just for us. We all sit back and quiet down as the DVD starts to play, opening up on an interview with mom and Aunt Claire.
“So, yeah, I guess it all started when I got drunk at a frat party one night and gave my virginity to a random guy and then found out I was pregnant,” Aunt Claire says into the camera. “I became a single mom, found the guy four years later and then Liz and I opened the first Seduction and Snacks. It took off like crazy and here we are now with stores and bakeries all over the country. That’s about it.”
The camera pans to mom laughing, sitting next to Aunt Claire.
“Yeah, there’s a lot more to the story than that, slut bag. I think you left out a few things.”
Mom reaches down next to her chair and pulls five photo albums onto her lap, opening the cover of the first one and sliding a picture out of the page to hold up for the camera. It zooms in to a picture of Mom and Aunt Claire in college with their arms wrapped around each other, holding up red Solo cups. As the camera rolls, she begins going through all the pictures in the albums. There are photos for every event in our lives, quotes that go with every photo and the two of them share the stories for each one. They laugh on camera, they cry on camera, they punch each other several times on camera, and they curse so much it’s pretty obvious why no networks wanted to air this thing. Their bleep button would have broken in the first ten seconds.
“Your tits are like Bounty. The quicker dick picker upper.”
“Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.”
“Aaarrrggg, ahoy me matey, thar’s a great grand vagina over yonder.” Penises talk like pirates when I’m drunk.
“Papa says your friends Johnny, Jack and Jose maded you sick. Friends shouldn’t do stuff like that, Mommy. If Luke maded me sick, I’d punch him in the nuts!”
“I wanna eat her Snickers finger but my arm teeth won’t feel.”
“There is no way you were even remotely as surprised as me. If I woke up tomorrow with my tits sewn to the curtains, I wouldn’t be this much in shock.”
“In the words of the great Maury Povich, ‘You ARE the father’.”
“Rule number one: P.O.R.N. is more fun with friends, invite them. Otherwise, you just look pitiful engaging in P.O.R.N. alone. Rule number two: Sharp objects should never be used in P.O.R.N. Poking someone’s eye out will ruin the moment. Rule number three: Sneak attacks or ‘back door action’ must come with advanced warnings or have prior approval. Rule number four: Only two balls allowed in play at all times to avoid ball-confusion, unless approved by the judges. Rule number five: P.O.R.N. is over when the other player(s) say it’s over. Otherwise, someone is left holding useless balls.”
“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they cut your wiener.”
“Vajingo. As in ‘maybe the vajingo ate your penis’.”
“Stop by Seduction and Snacks for the grand opening tomorrow and try some of Claire’s boobs. They’re delicious!”
“You are a gigantic, stinkotic, vaginastic, clitoral, liptistic whore dizzle.”
“You’re a dick. Go fuck your face.”
“FUCK YOU, SAM I AM!”
“No nut shots before lunch.”
“These snozzberries taste like SNOZZBERRIES!”
“Wait, maybe it was the nuts. Is Claire allergic to nuts? She might be going into anal flaccid shock.”
“I want to teach inappropriate things to our children with you forever. Claire Donna Morgan, will you please, please marry me and love me for the rest of your life?”
“A. SEX. SWING. From the Latin words, ‘you are supposed to fuck in it, not rock your kid to sleep’.”
“My toilet is your toilet; your spoop is my spoop. I’m on this train, but just so you know, I don’t want to be the caboose.”
“It’s the fucking zombie virus! Son of a bitch, I told you this day was coming! No one believed me and you all laughed. Well, who the fuck is laughing now?! If I go first, you kill me before I eat ANYONE’S face off, do you hear me?”
“Vagina Skittles are delicious.”
“You spidermanned the one you love.”
“It’s fucking Meerkat Manor in my pants.”
“I roofied you because I wanted you naked …. and afraid.”
“RUN, VAGINAMAN, RUN!”
“Just say NO to weird sex, Gavin!”
“SON OF A BITCH, TAYLOR SWIFT! I TOLD YOU, NOT UNTIL THE CHORUS!”
“No, YOU shut your prancing face, Twilight Sparkle, before my parents hear you.”
“HONEST MISTAKE?! An honest mistake is speeding, spilling a glass of milk or calling someone by the wrong name. It is NOT sticking your dick in the wrong hole!”
“My tits may be small, but they’re deadly”
“Right at that moment, I knew that I would do anything for my best friend. I would hold her hand when she was in pain, scream at my catatonic fiancé when he saw her vagina and sit by her side when she became a mom. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her and I knew that’s how it would always be.”
The video ends with a picture of my mom and Aunt Claire standing in front of Seduction and Snacks on the day it opened and fades to black with a picture of them standing in front of a map of the United States filled with red dots indicating every Seduction and Snacks store open today.
Dad stops the DVD and the room is silent aside from a few sniffles every couple of seconds.
“Are you assholes crying? There’s no crying in Vagina Skittles!” Uncle Drew shouts. “Dammit, Tom Brady! Get your hand off your dick!”
He quickly grabs the animal from the floor and continues scolding him softly.
“We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we, Slutbag McFuckstick?” Mom whispers to Aunt Claire as she rests her head on her shoulder.
“I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for you, ass face,” Aunt Claire whispers back, resting her cheek on Mom’s head. “You told me I had nothing to lose by taking a chance and you were right. Everything I have is because of you. Thank you for being my person.”
Mom wipes a tear from her cheek and the two best friends, who started us all on this crazy ride, wrap their arms around each other on the couch.
“How about one more toast?” Uncle Carter suggests, grabbing another bottle of cherry vodka from the coffee table and unscrewing the cap.
Everyone quickly passes it around and refills their shot glasses, raising them in the air when the last person’s glass is full.
“To Seduction and Snacks—where it all began,” Uncle Carter says.
“To Seduction and Snacks!” we cheer, toasting each other and tossing the shots back.
“Alright, enough of this sappy shit or I’m going to grow a vagina,” Uncle Drew complains, setting his empty shot glass on the coffee table and pushing himself up from the couch, promptly dumping Aunt Jenny onto the floor. “Who’s in the mood for a little Ceiling Fan Baseball?”
Mom jumps up from the couch. “I’ll get the dinner rolls!”
“I’ll get the frying pans and cutting boards!” Aunt Claire adds, following my mom into the kitchen.
“Can I be up to goal first? Maybe shooting a basket will unstick these Benjamin Balls from my vagina,” Aunt Jenny says as she waddles behind everyone else.
Marco stands and holds out his hand to help me up from the couch.
“Does your family ever do anything normal?” he asks as he wraps his arm around me and we head towards the dining room.
“Dammit, Tom Brady! Not in the mashed potatoes!” Uncle Drew shouts from the kitchen.
Marco laughs and I shake my head.
“Normal is overrated. They’re bat-shit crazy every day of their lives and that’s just the way it should be,” I tell him with a smile.
Many, many, many, many, many years later…
Claire and Carter Ellis went on to live a long and happy life together. Just like in a cheesy romantic movie, they died together in their home, peacefully in their sleep on their 75th wedding anniversary, after a celebratory game of Metamucil pong. Well, Carter snored up until the end and Claire gave him one last kick to the shin before she joined him.
Liz and Jim Gilmore passed away the weekend after their 78th wedding anniversary, suffering heart attacks at the same time when they decided to test out an entire new shipment of vibrators in one evening. They died quickly and without pain, in the porn room of the flagship Seduction and Snacks store.
Jenny and Drew Parritt died in the parking lot of the emergency room, next to their personalized parking space, when Jenny slipped on a sheet of ice trying to dislodge a whisk from her vagina and hit her head, which caused her to swallow the ball from the ball gag Drew’s arthritic fingers were unable to remove and she choked to death. Drew passed away shortly after, overexerted himself giving CRP. To her vagina. He choked on the whisk lodged in his favorite place.
Charlotte and Gavin Ellis went on to have two boys after Molly Marco, and Gavin has enjoyed every minute being a father, teaching his children not to give nut punches before lunch and making sure they understand just how dangerous to your life beer pong can be.
Ava and Tyler Branson got married a few years after the birth of their niece, Molly Marco, at BronyCon, in front of all of their friends and family. They bought a horse farm in the country where they went on to host their very own BronyCon every year, spreading the friendship is magic message. They too went on to have three children and Tyler is still holding a grudge that Ava wouldn’t let him name them Pinky Pie, Shutterfly and Applejack.
Molly and Marco Desoto enjoyed a quiet, non-crazy elopement on the island of St. Thomas on Molly’s twenty-fourth birthday. Even though they enjoyed the few weeks they spent with Cletus the Fetus, they decided never to have children of their own, fearing that Molly’s vagina would one day resemble an Arby’s Beef and Cheddar, minus the cheddar. Instead, they adopted two baby boys from broken homes who grew up to be Grand Theft Auto experts, and thanks to their mother, have never, ever collapsed a soufflé.
Sophia, Billy and Veronica…uh, yeah. We still have no idea what happened to them, but we assume they had good lives and lived happily ever after, just like the rest of the family.
The End.
Seriously.
Totally not kidding. This is it. Forever.
They’re kind of all dead now, so, there’s that.
I mean, they could all come back as zombies and I guess that might be kind of funny, but, like, not an entire book funny.
Sorry. This is really the end. Hug it out, bitches.
Acknowledgements
I guess I should probably thank my family first and foremost. It’s their fault the majority of the scenes and quotes in this entire series are true. Thank you for being crazy and giving me plenty of material to write about.
A HUGE thanks to Ana’s Attic Book Blog for being such a huge supporter of this series and these insane characters. I’m so glad I made you piss yourself all those years ago, which led to the awesomeness that is Wicked Book Weekend, which then led to us making out. Thank you for being a great friend, blogger and all around awesome person (a.k.a. good kisser).
Thank you to EVERY SINGLE reader who took a chance on Seduction and Snacks and continued to follow these characters through all of their stupid decisions. It’s because of YOU this series is loved (and disgusted) by so many. Thank you for continuing to tell your friends about it, thank you for refusing to speak to friends who won’t read it, and thank you for being so amazing.
For my FTN girls, thank you for always being so supportive and wonderful. I’m honored to call you friends and co-workers and to have people in my life I can happily lose my mind with.
Thank you to Stephanie Johnson and Michelle Kannan for being the best beta readers in the world. I’m sorry for what I put you through with this book, but it was Tom Brady’s fault. I love your faces.
As always, saying “thank you” will never be enough for ALL the bloggers out there. You guys work tirelessly to pimp me and support me, and I will be forever grateful for all that you do.
To my Slappers. I love you and I will never forget that you were the first ones to believe in me and support me. Twilight nerds forever!
Lastly, to the entire Twilight fanfiction community, it’s because of you I’m able to live my dream and do what I love. Thank you for letting me test my skills with The Vagina Monologues, and thank you to those who have continued to follow me on this crazy train!