Everything is Changed

by Nova Weetman

  ‘Sorry,’ she says, inching closer to me.

  ‘Do you want me to take you home?’ I say without thinking and then instantly regret it.

  She nods. ‘Yeah.’

  I jump up, relieved to be moving away from her. I hold out my hand and she lets me pull her up. Her skin is warm and soft, and her hand is tiny in mine. I let go as soon as she’s on her feet even though she sways in the night.

  We start pushing through the crowd. I don’t turn because I’m hoping I’ll lose her as I reach the front gate, that someone will step forward to claim her and I won’t have to walk her home. I move as fast as I can, but it’s hard because I have to sidestep groups and couples. I’m terrified Tone will appear and I’ll have to explain why I’m walking this girl home.

  I make it to the side gate and through to the front garden and as I step out onto the footpath, leaving the party behind, I feel a hand slide into mine and I know she’s still there. My shadow.

  ‘Where do you live?’

  ‘Not far.’

  I try to pull my hand away but she’s holding on tight. Cars streak past us, their lights sweeping over our bodies. I can’t think of anything to say. We turn down a street to the left and the air cools as the trees along the side of the road get bigger. It’s so quiet here. Not even a dog barking. Each house we pass is bigger than the last, and the space around them is huge. Back in the borough, there was never enough space. You had to fight for your little square of it. The roads were crammed. The houses butted up against each other. Even school felt overflowing with students sometimes. But here, there’s too much space. Nobody ever has to share.

  As we pass under a streetlight it flickers, like it can feel the charge running through me, from my fear of reaching her house and seeing where she lives. Her fingers have loosened in mine and I tug my hand away, tucking it into my pocket so it’s safe.

  ‘Mum bought me this dress today. Can you believe it?’

  She pulls at the material, trying to look at it.

  ‘It’s nice,’ I say lamely, not really knowing if it’s nice or not. It just looks like a dress.

  ‘No, it’s not. It’s horrible. The material’s all itchy. But I had to wear it. She wants me to be like my friends.’

  I don’t say anything to that because what can I say? Every angle will lead to the one thing I don’t want to talk about with her. I can’t believe I’m here and that I’m walking her home like I’m some sort of good guy. I have to get out of here. This isn’t right.

  ‘Are we almost there?’ I ask, my voice anxious.

  ‘The brown house on the left,’ she says, pointing to a huge place that’s even bigger than the house where the party was. She faces me, her eyes darker than I realised. She watches me and I try not to turn away. But I can’t have her look at me like that.

  ‘Are you coming in?’

  ‘No,’ I say, horrified at the thought.

  She nods like she understands. But she doesn’t. I want to tell her why I can’t ever come in.

  ‘Mum will be up. Waiting for me. She’ll be watching from the window.’

  I step away, into the darkness, hiding. She follows me like it’s some sort of game. And then she grabs me around the waist, her arms clinging on, and I squirm, desperate to be freed. But then she reaches up to try and kiss me and I turn my head just before our lips meet and she connects with my cheek. And then she must realise what she’s done because she jumps away, as shocked as I am.

  ‘Sorry,’ she says, for the third time tonight.

  ‘No, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry,’ I say, and she pulls a face, like she’s embarrassed at my apology. I try and fix it. ‘Oh, I’m not sorry about you. You’re really nice. But I’ve … I’ve got a girlfriend.’ I think of Ellie and hope she wouldn’t mind the lie.

  She nods and looks down, her hair falling over her face like a shield. She looks broken and I know it’s because of what Jake and I did. She’s crumbling at parties and I’m walking away like it’s nothing to do with me. But it is. It’s all on me. And I don’t know what to do about it.

  She looks up at me again and I see the sadness in her eyes. I feel panicked. Legs twitchy, I take a step back. I can’t help her. I need to leave before I try.

  ‘I’d better go. You right?’ My words sound cruel.

  ‘Yeah. Thanks,’ she says sadly.

  And before I can stop myself, I reach out and grab her arm. ‘I’m really sorry.’

  A frown flickers across her face. ‘What for?’

  I shrug. I have to say it. ‘You having a bad time.’

  She laughs like it’s funny, but the sound is thin and unreal. ‘Not your fault. Thanks for walking me home.’

  And I watch as she stumbles down the last little bit of the road until she reaches her house. And I think of all she feels and all she’ll go on feeling forever. And even if I ran screaming into the police station to hand myself in, she wouldn’t feel any better. Nothing I can do will change what we did. I just have to make Jake understand that too.

  jake

  Ellie is lying on her back with her eyes closed. She spins past me on the roundabout and I take off after her, holding the metal edge and running as hard as I can to keep up. I dodge the bag of rubbish someone’s left on the ground.

  ‘Faster,’ she yells with a laugh in her voice.

  ‘I can’t,’ I say, letting go before I take off with the roundabout.

  ‘Then jump on!’

  Without thinking I fling myself onto the metal cage, and hit my shin hard on the bar. I manage not to swear as I rub the spot. She opens one eye and pats the metal next to her. I shuffle over, and lie down, my elbow bumping hers, making my heart race. Too close. She’s too close.

  ‘Shut your eyes if you don’t want to feel dizzy,’ she says.

  Instead I keep them wide open, staring up into the dusty sky, terrified of what will happen if I shut them. My body is so rigid, so tense, so frightened to move in case more of me touches her. We turn and we turn and we turn, slowing on each rotation, just like a gigantic spinning top in Mr Cap’s science class. Looking up we could be anywhere. It’s just when I look across at the park that sags under the weight of nobody ever cleaning it or doing any maintenance that I know exactly where I am.

  I think about everything that’s happened. Too many things. I can’t keep them straight in my head. We keep spinning. Just. I don’t know what will happen when we come to a complete stop. Will she leave?

  The light is dimming. It’s that strange time of night when I never feel settled.

  ‘So it’s just you and your mum?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Alex said your dad wasn’t around. Where is he?’

  I breathe. I sneak a peek. Her eyes are still closed. Her face calm.

  ‘In jail,’ I say quietly, and wait for the reaction.

  ‘Oh,’ she says finally but still doesn’t open her eyes, and I wonder what she’s thinking. ‘Alex never told me that.’

  I don’t know what to say now, how to skip to another subject that’s easier for us. One that doesn’t include Alex, but can be just ours. My head races through the possibilities. School. Home. But it’s all stained by Alex. He was there first.

  ‘What did your dad do?’ she says as she fits an elastic band around the tiniest bunch of hair without opening her eyes.

  I don’t want to talk about this. Not to her. Not to anyone. I don’t even talk about it with myself. I’m quiet for the longest time and so is she. I know she’s waiting for me to tell her. If she was like everyone else she would have spewed out an apology and moved on. But Ellie isn’t like anyone else.

  She pulls out her hair elastic and flattens the little bundle. I want to fix the strand that is sticking up, but my fingers are frozen to their metal bed.

  ‘He did some bad stuff,’ I say, causing her hands to stop moving.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Do you see him?’

  ‘No. He’s in Queensland. But I
didn’t see him much before. He’d already left us.’ I try to never talk about my father. When it first happened, when he went away, I told Alex because I had to. But I don’t like thinking about it now.

  ‘When does he get out?’

  I shrug. ‘I don’t know. We don’t have any contact.’

  ‘Are you angry about it?’

  ‘No. But I worry …’

  She jumps on my words. ‘What? That you’ll end up like him?’

  I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that I worry about my mum, but now that Ellie’s said it, I realise that’s exactly what I’m worried about. That no matter what I do, his badness is in my genes, and I can’t outrun it anymore. I don’t answer her.

  ‘Wow, that’s pretty honest.’

  Her fingers touch my arm and I shudder.

  ‘Not really,’ I say, wishing we could change the subject.

  ‘You aren’t going to end up like your dad. No way.’

  I feel a rush of energy in my body. If only she knew that I already am.

  ‘Your mum’s done a good job then, on her own,’ she says quietly, as she turns slowly onto her side and opens her eyes, just as I look at her. My face floods with heat and I look away.

  ‘Come back to school, Jake,’ she says. ‘Please. It’s boring without you around pinching my food. Lucas and Tien are no substitute. I need my friend back.’

  Friend. I force a small smile in the dark. I don’t want to be friends. ‘I haven’t left. Not officially. Not yet anyway.’

  ‘So come back. You could catch up. I could help you,’ she says softly, making me hope that she really cares.

  It’s so possible. I could go back. Finish the year. Make Mum happy. I could.

  ‘Have you seen the psych yet?’

  ‘How do you know about that?’

  She shrugs. ‘You know. Things get around.’

  ‘Tomorrow. I don’t want to, but Mum’s making me.’

  ‘Well, I bet she wouldn’t make you if you came back to school. Started doing all your homework and proving you were serious about it. Please?’

  I start to nod without thinking about what I’m doing. Ellie squeals and then grabs me. It’s awkward because I’m lying on my back and she’s on her side and I can feel her body and I reach to grab her back and then she starts to pull away, but by then my mouth is near hers and I’m kissing her.

  And it’s beautiful.

  Her lips are wet and soft and sweet and her mouth tastes like chips and salt and I can feel her tongue and it’s everything I knew it would be. And then just as quickly, she’s gone. The kiss is done. Over. Finished. And she’s sitting up and I don’t know what just went wrong.

  I can’t look at her. The moment’s gone.

  ‘Jake …’ she says, one word hanging in the night. And she doesn’t need to say anything else. She doesn’t need to explain that Alex came first. That Alex is here, between us, unseen but looming. I know it too.

  ‘Jake …’ she says again, and this time her fingertips brush my bare arm and I’m looking at her and she’s looking away.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Is this about you and Alex? You trying to get back at him?’ Her voice is so soft it’s like I imagined it.

  ‘No,’ I say, horrified she’d think that of me.

  ‘But we’re friends. You know that,’ she says, turning back to me and biting her lip.

  I nod, feeling stupid. ‘Yeah. Course.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she says, like I’m the mistake, like I’m the apology that has to come.

  I shrug like it doesn’t matter. But inside I ache. ‘Okay.’

  She slaps her knee and says, ‘Bloody mozzies. They’re eating me alive. They always do.’

  But the air is clear of mozzies. The air is warm and sweet and still. And ruined.

  ‘I’d better get home,’ she says, trying to delicately climb from the roundabout as it sways with her weight.

  ‘See you at school tomorrow, Jake. Okay?’

  She jumps clear and I watch her back away from me.

  ‘Yeah. Okay,’ I say, knowing it’s just one more big, fat lie. Then it’s almost as if she reads my mind, because she stops in the darkness, just far enough away so I can’t reach her.

  ‘Don’t bullshit me, Jake. Are you going to be at school or not?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say in the loudest, fakest voice I can manage.

  I don’t want to be here. But Mum has left me no choice. She drove me here, to this practice in the suburbs, and then said she’d come in with me unless I walked myself in through the glass doors. She’s so set on me going back to school.

  There are others waiting in the room. Some have parents sitting too close, fussing over them. One is pretending to sleep. I walk to the counter and wait for the receptionist to get off the phone. Her voice is too high and her nails make a clicking sound as her fingers pound across the keyboard. I can see the top of her head where the hair dye has started to grow out. She hangs up and takes her time staring at the computer screen before pulling an indifferent smile. ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’ve got an appointment with Dr Michaels.’

  ‘First time here?’

  ‘Yeah.’ And hopefully last.

  ‘You have to fill this in,’ she says, sliding a clipboard across the bench to me.

  ‘Thanks.’

  I take the clipboard and her black pen and find a seat on the outer circle of the waiting room. Some kid is curled up in the corner and his mum is patting his head with one hand and texting with the other. I tick boxes and scribble answers doubting that anyone actually reads these forms. Then I take the board back to the desk.

  ‘Won’t be long,’ she mouths to me, while also listening to someone on the phone.

  I nod and go back to my seat. As soon as I sit down a boy looks over at me. He’s in a school uniform, complete with fancy blazer and tie. His forehead is covered in a strange sort of rash and he reaches up to try and brush his hair down over it. He does a half smile and then looks away. I pull out my phone and scroll through messages, wishing I could text Alex and know he’d text me back. But we’re so far from that now. And after everything that happened with Ellie I know I can’t message her either.

  ‘Jake Reynolds,’ I hear a man say. I look up and see a middle-aged guy with glasses scanning the room. It’s so tempting to stay in my seat and pretend it’s not me.

  I let him call my name out again before slowly standing and shuffling over to him. He nods at me, and then starts to walk away, so I follow. We weave down a long corridor with lots of little rooms off to each side. There must be a lot of kids needing a lot of help if all the closed doors mean someone is in a psych session.

  ‘Just in here,’ he says, opening a door to a room about the size of my bedroom. In the corner is a box of toys and a small wooden table with pens and pencils on it. I hope they’re not for me.

  ‘Take a seat, Jake,’ he says, pointing to a proper chair.

  ‘I thought you were going to put me over there,’ I say, laughing.

  ‘No. You’re a bit big for that,’ he says without any humour.

  I sit down opposite him, my stomach full of nerves, and my pits clogged with sweat.

  ‘I’m Matthew,’ he says, looking at me intently. His eyes are dark chocolate brown, like Alex’s. ‘Just to get a few things cleared before we start, these sessions are confidential, unless I feel that you’re a danger to yourself or others. I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. Okay?’

  I want to laugh and shout, I’m a teenager, dickhead. We don’t talk about stuff to strangers, okay? Instead, I nod.

  ‘So you’ve been dodging school.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Can you tell me why?’

  I shrug.

  ‘From what your principal said, you’ve been a good student. Why the change?’

  I shrug again and look around the room to try and find a clock. I want to know how many minutes I have left.

  ‘Are you bored?’
r />   I shrug. And this time he scribbles something on a pad.

  ‘Do you intend to go back to school, Jake?’

  ‘Dunno.’

  ‘Thing is, it won’t be your choice for much longer. They’ll expel you.’

  Even though I know it’s true, his words hit me in the gut so hard I can barely breathe.

  ‘Do you want to be expelled?’

  ‘Oh yeah, it’s my dream,’ I say, because I can’t stand how stupid this all is.

  ‘Let’s try to limit the sarcasm.’

  ‘Yeah. Why don’t we?’ I look back at him, chopping his face into pieces with my eyes. How did I get to this?

  ‘If you don’t want to talk to me, Jake, then there really is no point to you being here.’

  ‘Agreed,’ I say, hating myself for sounding like this.

  ‘Okay, well, we’re done. Thanks for coming in.’

  He stands up. He actually stands up like he’s going to walk me to the door. I refuse to move. He knows he has me trapped. I’ve got nowhere to go.

  ‘I can’t help you, Jake, if you won’t talk.’

  But I can’t talk to him. And the only person I can talk to doesn’t want to talk to me. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Everything’s surging through me. I stand up so quickly the chair tips backwards and hits the ground.

  ‘You’re right. You can’t help me.’

  I’m out of there before he’s even made it around the desk. I don’t care anymore. There’s no point to any of this. There’s no Alex. There’s no Ellie. There’s no hope.

  alex

  At a party last night I hooked up with a girl who looks like every other girl I’ve been set up with in the last few weeks. Tone keeps trying to find me a suitable girlfriend because I let slip that Ellie and I have split. He assumed I’d dumped her. I didn’t correct him. The more I do things like that, let people think one thing when the truth is something different, the closer I am to being a person I don’t like much. While Jake’s patrolling for the truth, on the hunt for his own rescue, his own guilt mission, I’m sinking into myself, softened up by all the fancy gyms, rowing machines, and promises of being better. I’m buying the dream.