by Nova Weetman
I jump on the tram, pushing my way through the girls in their uniforms. I can see her, a bit further down. Someone’s talking at her, but she doesn’t really look like she’s listening. I try and edge forward but the tram is packed; bodies squash against each other and I’m not going anywhere. All I can do is stare into the space where she is and hope that when she gets off I can too.
I wanted to find her house months ago. I wanted to write. Leave flowers. A letter or something to explain or apologise. But I was scared and then I figured this was the perfect way to see her. And now here I am. On a tram, travelling east, away from the city and into a part of Melbourne I never go. The tram stops and more girls in different uniforms cram their way on. I wonder about Alex. His school is around here somewhere.
There’s a squeal of brakes and the tram stops too suddenly and we all lurch forward, crashing into each other’s space. As I straighten up, I see her arrange her bag across her shoulder and get ready.
She crosses the road first. I follow. Far enough behind that she’d never notice me. She’s alone now and walking at a fast pace past the big old bluestone buildings covered in vines. She turns right down the first side street and I follow. It’s one of those streets where the houses drip with money, stretched so wide it’s like they have three entrances. Cars are parked in driveways. The gardens are neat and manicured. There are no rubbish bins in sight. It even smells different than where I come from, and I wonder what it’s like to live here. With all this.
She slows at the bottom of the hill, trudges across the road, stopping to switch shoulders with her bag, and then leans over to unlock a low wooden gate. I watch from a distance as she finally opens it and goes inside. At first I can only see her head and shoulders, and then as she moves closer to the front door, a hand comes into view.
And then she’s gone. Disappearing in through the front door and out of sight. Safe. What would she do if I walked up that driveway? If I rang the doorbell? Introduced myself. Told her who I was. Would she scream? Punch me? Call the police?
I’m too chicken to ever find out. Instead, I walk slowly up to her gate, like I have business there. And then I lean down and reach inside the slot where the mail gets pushed through each day and I pull out a letter. I could just pocket it and take it with me, it would be easier than trying to photograph it with my phone and not get caught, but I’ve taken so much already that stealing a letter seems like a step too far.
So I pull out my phone, snap off a quick shot and slide the letter back into the slot. I just want to know the address so I don’t have to follow her next time. I expect someone to yell at me, come after me or something but I start moving away from her house and nobody does. There are no people around. No one walking the streets. No bikes out riding. No cars out cruising. And I make it to the corner without seeing a soul.
I want to see Alex. I need to see Alex. So while my phone’s out, I start to press the number I’ve rung so many times that my fingers find it without help. But before I can hit the call button, my phone rings.
‘Alex? I was just about to call you. Weird, huh?’
‘Yeah. Can we meet?’
I can hear laughing behind him in the background, around him, like he’s circled.
‘Yeah. Sure,’ I say, secretly pleased he’s phoned me for once.
‘All right. Macca’s. Hawthorn. In an hour. That long enough?’
‘Make it twenty minutes …’
I hang up without waiting for him to say anything. How would he know I’m already here? In his new world. Just down the road from his fancy new school. Still, I’m strangely pleased he wanted to check if it was enough time for me to make it. If he didn’t care at all, he wouldn’t say things like that.
I think Mum believes the reason I’ve stopped talking much is because Alex left, because I miss him. She even tried to suggest maybe I could go to his new school too. I remember laughing when she mentioned it. As if we could afford that. I do want to tell her why I’m different than I was. But it’s sort of easier for her to just blame it on me missing my old friend. And anyway, maybe that is a big part of it.
I run down the street to where the tram goes.
There’s no tram coming. So I leg it. Fast.
I make it to the bottom of the hill and I’m so out of breath that I can barely stand straight. It’s been a while since I ran anywhere. That night. That’s the last time I ran with any speed or urgency.
I hit the button at the lights with my foot, and wait for the green. A lady about Mum’s age gives me a dirty look and I smile at her, as broadly as I can until she looks away. The cars slow and the green man flashes up and I jog across the road to the Macca’s. It’s such a strange place to meet. I didn’t think Alex even ate junk food. He never used to. He was always so smug about it and Tien, Lucas and I would wind him up, saving him the leftover pickles from the burgers and sticking them to his folder in class.
Macca’s smells like cheap oil and cleaning products when I get there. There’s some fat guy sitting in a stool at the window surrounded by fries and sundaes. A couple of girls my age are giggling at a table in the corner, not really eating anything but just checking everyone out. Alex’s not here yet. I don’t want to be in here, sitting in the only place Alex trusts to meet me. It’s like he thinks I’m only as good as the fast food I sometimes binge on after school.
So I lean in the doorway, not quite in and not quite out. Waiting.
Then I hear someone say, ‘Jake’. I turn just as a fist slams into my face. I fall back and hit the wall. A woman grabs her little boy and pulls him away. I can feel people watching. I cover my face with my hands waiting for another attack but it doesn’t come. I look up and Alex is red-faced and pacing, and I can barely open one of my eyes.
‘You told Ellie,’ he says, staring at me with the steeliest look I’ve ever seen.
‘I didn’t tell her anything. She kept asking me why we don’t see each other anymore. I told her to ask you.’
He’s shaking his head like what I’m saying is lies. ‘Nah. She asked what happened last year. She knows something happened.’
I knew what I said to Ellie was risky but I didn’t think she’d say anything to him. I thought she’d just forget it. I wince as I try and open my eye properly. It feels like it’s swimming in blood.
‘I think you’ve blinded me …’
‘Why did you tell her?’ he says.
‘I didn’t tell her. I just said something bad happened.’
‘Yeah, well, she wanted to know what it was and obviously I didn’t want to tell her so thanks to you, she’s dumped me.’
‘Bullshit.’
‘No. Not bullshit. She told me we needed a break. So thanks, Jake. Thanks a lot.’
I reach out to touch his poxy blazer with its stupid Latin badge on the pocket. And he looks at my hand like it’s scum and jerks away.
‘Is this because you like her?’
I shake my head. ‘No. Course not.’
‘You sure? You’re always a bit weird around her.’
‘No. She’s your girlfriend.’ I can’t believe he suspects how I feel. I’ve always been so careful.
‘Was, Jake. Was my girlfriend.’
A young guy in a Macca’s uniform walks up and stands between us and I realise we’re still in the doorway. Nobody is coming in. Nobody is going out. Everyone is watching, waiting to see what will happen next.
‘You boys need to leave. I’m calling the police,’ he says in a voice that’s cracking.
Alex nods, deflated. ‘Yep. Sorry. We’re going now.’
‘Or we could stay and let the police sort it out,’ I say, watching my friend walk off.
The Macca’s guy touches my arm and I spin around to him. Then I see the concern in his eyes and I feel stupid.
‘I’m going.’
‘Do you want some ice for your eye? We’ve got plenty,’ he says with a slight smile.
‘Nah. Thanks.’
‘You take care.’
/> I slink out through the automatic doors and into the busy street. It’s never been clearer to me that I do not belong here. Alex is sitting at the tram stop and I’m not sure if he’s waiting for me or not. I plonk down on the bench next to him. For ages we sit and watch the traffic crawling past, blaring out music and news bulletins. I’m going to let Alex talk first.
‘What’d you do to your hair?’ he asks me finally.
Instead of answering I rub my hand across the stubble on my head. It’s too hard to explain.
‘Sorry about your eye,’ he says, almost looking up but not quite.
‘I didn’t mean for Ellie to dump you.’
He shrugs and I can’t read the meaning.
‘It’s almost your birthday …’ I say, like he hasn’t just punched me in the face.
‘Yeah … sixteen.’
‘You having a party?’ I regret it as soon as the words are out of my mouth. Makes me sound like I expect an invite.
‘Nah, not really …’
I know he’s lying. Saw it on Facebook. I never post anything so he’s probably forgotten to unfriend me. ‘How’s school?’
He laughs, making his hair flop down over his face. And as he pushes it away, I see his nails. Chewed down to the quick, like they used to be way back when his dad was hassling him all the time about marks.
‘School’s school,’ he says cryptically.
‘You rowing yet?’ I say lightly, with a smile.
He shrugs, says nothing.
‘Debating then. How’s that treating you?’
The sharp look on his face tells me I’ve taken it one step too far.
‘So what do you want, Jake?’
Just the question I was hoping to avoid. I thought we could pretend we were meeting for fun, for old time’s sake.
‘I found the girl’s house,’ I say quietly, not wanting any of the people walking past to stop and listen in.
‘What?’
‘The girl. His …’
Alex leans so close I can see the gold of his blazer buttons gleaming in the sun. ‘I know who you mean.’ Before the man, Alex didn’t get angry very often. But under that poxy fringe, his eyes are cold.
I suddenly feel defensive, like I want him to understand. ‘I wanted to see her. Talk to her. See if she’s okay.’
‘And did you take her out for a coffee? Buy her some flowers?’
I shake my head, feeling ridiculous. ‘I didn’t talk to her … but I could … I know where she lives now. She’s just round the corner from you. You probably walk past her on your way to school.’
Alex stares at me, making me look down at the ground.
‘Jake, this isn’t anything to do with me anymore. You can do what you like, but leave me out of it,’ he says, slipping his hands into the pockets on his blazer like he’s cold.
‘But it is, Alex. Whether you like it or not.’
He shakes his head. ‘Nah. It’s not. I’ve moved on.’
Now it’s my turn to be angry. ‘Moved on? How do you move on?’
‘I don’t know. Just forget about it. You can’t change it.’
‘I can fess up. So can you. Go to the police—’ I start to say.
‘No. No police.’ He jumps up, swinging his backpack onto his shoulder and hitting me across the arm with it. Then he starts walking away, like this is over.
‘It’s. Not. My. Fault!’ I yell at his disappearing back in its snug-fitting blazer and ridiculous grey shorts.
He doesn’t even turn around. He just raises his hand in the air and gives me the finger.
My eye is still throbbing and I know it’ll be black by tonight. And even though I’m not cold at all, I wrap my arms tight around myself and start to cry. Hopefully salty tears are good for a punched eye.
alex
Sass helped me pick out the present. I’m not 100 per cent sure that it’s what Ellie will want, but Sass assured me that all the girls at her school would love them, so I went with it. Sass even helped me gift-wrap it because she said my fingers were too big to make the bow look dainty.
Ellie loves that she’s a couple of months older than me. She keeps calling herself the older woman. Except that she’s tiny. Her head tucks under my chin and my fingers reach around her wrist. She never seems tiny. She’s strong and fierce and more independent than I’ll ever be. And now she’s sixteen.
I wanted to take her to this posh restaurant Dad took me to a couple of weeks back but it’s not open for lunch on a Sunday, and Ellie’s parents weren’t all that happy about her going out on a school night so now I’m meeting her at this other place that I hope is okay. Again, I checked with my little sister and she said it was great. Not that she’d have any idea, because basically she lives on cheese pasta, but she liked the sound of it. It has a fancy French name so that’s something.
Ellie’s late. It’s nothing new. She’s always late, but for some reason today it makes me nervous. We’ve been dating for ages and I’m never nervous with her. In fact she’s the only person I know that makes me completely comfortable. Maybe this feeling of nerves has nothing to do with her. Maybe it’s because I’m wearing a suit and I don’t like the feel of the jacket on my shoulders, and I wish I’d just worn jeans and a shirt.
And then I see her. She’s half running and half skipping down the other side of the road, dodging people walking towards her. She looks all frazzled like she knows she’s running late and she’s trying not to, and just the sight of her makes me grin. I want to call out but I don’t want her to know I’m watching her so I wait until she gets close enough to see me. She’s wearing a dress, which is about as out there as me wearing a suit, so I wonder if she’s feeling as uncomfortable as I am. She stops to check her phone because she’s probably trying to find the address and suddenly I can’t wait any longer.
‘Ellie!’ I call out across lanes of busy city traffic. She must hear me because she looks up and right into my heart. I see her smile and I don’t wait for her to come to me. We both cross the road at the same time so we meet up in the middle, on the tram tracks.
‘Alex,’ she says in that voice.
‘Happy birthday,’ I say, leaning down to kiss her on her lipsticked lips. She slides her arms through mine and pulls me down even closer. Then I hear the jabbing ding of a tram and we jump apart, laughing, and I grab her hand and pull her across to the restaurant side of the road.
‘Are you wearing a suit for me?’ she says, looking me up and down.
‘Are you wearing a dress for me?’
‘No. I’m wearing a dress because I want to wear a dress.’
I roll my eyes and she punches me in the arm. ‘You look …’ I start to say but can’t finish it because she just looks … like everything.
‘Happy birthday, El,’ I say, leaning down for another kiss, but before I can reach her mouth, the door to the restaurant opens behind us and a couple walk out, making us move out of their way.
‘You hungry?’
‘Do they cook snails and things?’
‘Yep. Frogs legs. Snails. And some other buggy French things,’ I joke.
She pulls a face. I never know when she’s being a vegetarian. I slide my hand into hers and hold open the door for her.
It’s not quite the sort of restaurant I expected. It’s not just fancy; it’s crazy fancy and almost silent. The waiters are in black suits and the tables are lit with candles, even though it’s pretty sunny outside and the middle of the day. I suppose it’s a grown-up’s idea of romantic but I can’t even reach Ellie’s hand once we sit down. She feels miles away from me on the other side of the table and I can tell she’s thinking the same thing.
‘This is … nice,’ she says, looking up at me and pulling a funny face.
‘No good?’
She shrugs and I know it’s her way of answering without wanting to upset me. I watch as she pulls the elastic from her tiny ponytails and then reties them. They’re crooked, and I have a weird urge to reach over and fix them up for her, st
raighten them, so they look as neat as the rest of her today. I know this is all wrong. I should have just picked somewhere real and not some fancy place just to impress her.
A waiter swarms and hands me the menu.
‘Something to drink?’
Ellie kicks me under the table. She’s right. We don’t belong here. I stand up. ‘Sorry, we have to go.’
Ellie laughs and suddenly I don’t care that the waiter is looking at me strangely or that other couples are paying us more attention than I’d usually like. Ellie reaches for my hand and giving it a giant squeeze of what can only be approval or relief, we make for the door as fast we can. I think someone tries to open the door for us, but Ellie bursts through it like she’s escaping a fire or something and I wonder if she’s being just a little dramatic.
‘I thought this was all part of the new Alex,’ she says, outside on the footpath.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You know, fancy house, fancy school and now fancy food.’
Ellie’s never been like this before. ‘I’m no different,’ I say sharply.
She slides her arm around my waist. ‘Teasing,’ she says.
‘Not funny, El. I was just trying to make your birthday special.’
She nods and gets this really serious face, before reaching up and finding my lips with hers.
‘I don’t need a fancy restaurant for my birthday to be special. I just need you,’ she whispers.
‘I wish my parents were out,’ I whisper back, making her grin at me.
‘You having dirty thoughts, Alex Cormack?’
‘Always.’
She starts to laugh. ‘I’m starving. Let’s have a picnic in that park near Parliament House.’
I pull a face. ‘Really?’
‘I’m a Macca’s girl at heart. You know that.’
‘Ergh. No. At least let’s get something edible.’
She laughs again. ‘Jake’s right. You are a snob.’
Her words make me stop walking and pull my hand away. I don’t know if it’s because of what she just said or that she mentioned Jake in the same sentence, but the fact that we’re walking down busy Collins Street and there are shoppers everywhere around us doesn’t stop me from wanting to yell. I calm my voice enough to manage, ‘Jake’s an idiot.’