by Nova Weetman
He laughs as Charlie runs to keep up with us.
‘I almost got hit,’ says Charlie.
‘But you didn’t,’ yells Tone as he drops his skateboard on the ground and takes off.
I keep walking, my skateboard in my bag. We aren’t supposed to skate in our uniforms and I haven’t been at the school long enough to ignore the rules.
‘I’ll have to duck home and grab another board,’ says Charlie. ‘I’ll meet you at the park.’
‘Righto.’
By the time I walk up to the doors of 7-Eleven, Tone’s sitting on the step sucking on a huge multi-coloured Slurpee. He hands me one.
‘Thanks,’ I say.
‘Your shout next time,’ he says, like he just bought me the world. Jake and I would never have bothered about who had money. He hardly ever did but it was no big deal. And a Slurpee only costs about a dollar.
I check the ground is clean and I sit down on the step next to him. Tone’s scanning faces. I can see he has no interest in me because he’s trying to work out who else is around. So I concentrate on the Slurpee that tastes like rainbow Lifesavers.
‘Brain freeze,’ snaps Tone as he punches his head, making me laugh. It’s the sort of thing Jake would have done once upon a time.
‘Hey, Tony,’ says a girl. Nobody calls Tone that. It’s like she’s addressing a different person.
‘Cath. How’s it going?’ says Tone, looking up at her.
I try and read his expression but it’s the same as it always is. Slightly amused, slightly distant and slightly judgemental.
‘Good. See you at the beach this weekend?’
Tone shrugs. ‘Dunno yet. Waiting for the olds to decide what they’re doing.’
She rolls her eyes knowingly.
‘Well, hopefully,’ she says as she walks past us and into the shop.
‘Catherine Elliot,’ says Tone quietly to me. He always says people’s surnames like it should mean something to me, like then I’ll know who they are. But I know nobody. He sighs because I haven’t responded. ‘Her dad and my dad are old mates,’ he explains, like it makes a difference.
I keep sucking the Slurpee. I’ve given up trying to remember the names of the girls Tone knows.
‘Hey, where’s Charlie?’
‘Gone home to get a board.’
Tone laughs. ‘Course. Idiot.’
He stands up and bins his Slurpee cup.
‘Ready?’
‘Um, yeah.’
Even though I haven’t finished my Slurpee, I toss the cup in the bin and grab my bag. It’s heavier than my old schoolbag was. I seem to carry my life back and forth every day. This time I drop the skateboard down on the footpath and follow Tone as he cruises down the busy street. We dodge kids walking in the other direction, weaving in and out. People say hello to Tone as we pass, but nobody bothers with me.
The skate park is between school and home, just before the junction. It’s a rubbish park, full of BMXers who end up in fights with the skaters most nights. Charlie reckons it’s sinking because it was built on an old tip site or something but I have no idea if he’s just stirring me. The skate parks Jake and I used to go to were heaps better, but Tone and Charlie wouldn’t travel in that direction for anything. And Tone isn’t actually much of a skater. He just likes the scene.
It’s also right on a main road, so it feels like a really public park where people walking past can just look in and see you. If I’m on my board and trying to do tricks, then I want some privacy. I want to feel like I’ve entered a world that’s not about anyone else. I don’t want most of Camberwell to be able to see me sprawled out on the ground with a broken wrist if I happen to come off.
We skate in and Tone throws his schoolbag under one of the trees. There is a little mountain of bags already there and everybody knows not to go near them.
‘I’m going to look for Charlie,’ says Tone, leaving me.
‘Okay.’
My phone beeps.
Where r u?
Ellie. I can’t believe I forgot to text her.
Stuck at school. Be an hour.
More lies. When will I stop?
School now? What a nerd.
I smile at her message and contemplate leaving. They probably wouldn’t even notice if I bailed now. I look around for them. The park’s busy already with kids skating and talking and mucking around. I see Tone casually leaning against one of the concrete walls, chatting to some girl. Charlie’s probably skating, battling for his bit of concrete, but I can’t see him anywhere. Walking up, I hear the girl laugh and it sounds a little like Ellie.
‘Zander,’ shouts Tone as he sees me. The girl turns too and I see her face. It’s nothing like Ellie’s. She has long hair with a white ribbon tying it up, like most of the girls at her school. Even my little sister has swapped her messy plaits for a single perfect ponytail.
‘This is Maddie,’ says Tone, winking as the girl looks in my direction.
I try and smile but it’s not a very good effort.
‘Hi,’ I say, trying to be polite.
Tone laughs. ‘Zander’s shy, aren’t you?’
I give him a look that even he should understand, but he just grins at me because nothing fazes him. He’s untouchable.
‘Hi,’ says Maddie, smiling.
‘Hi,’ I say again. I look out at the ramps, trying to find Charlie on his board. ‘Did you find Charlie?’ I say, wanting to be away from this awkward conversation as soon as I can.
‘Nah, because I found Maddie first,’ says Tone. Maddie giggles and Tone smirks, making me want to escape.
‘I’m going to go look.’ I drop my board onto the ground and give them both a little smile so it doesn’t feel like I’m dissing them. Tone loves introducing me to girls. I’m not sure if it’s because he thinks it’s funny to see how I’ll react or because he genuinely wants me to hook up with someone new. But he doesn’t seem to do it to Charlie or any of the guys at school. He reserves it all for me.
The hardest part of the park is full of try-hard skaters who are showing off but can’t actually skate properly so I head to the second bowl. It’s still pretty busy but I drop in and start to skate. At least here nobody who knows me from before can find me here. No Jake. No past. No future.
Charlie cuts in in front of me and I watch as he skates down the stairs and onto the flat. He’s the best skater I’ve ever hung around with. He’s more like Jake than me. He takes risks and tries new tricks and actually spends time skating when he comes to a park, unlike Tone who just wants to pick up. I roll to a stop as Charlie speeds up and executes the perfect tre flip.
‘Yeeew,’ I yell in a loud, high-pitched voice. He laughs and gives me a wave.
‘You’re up, Alex!’
‘Nah, I’ll pass. Thanks.’
Charlie’s tried to teach me how to do it, because he reckons my way of combining a kickflip and a 360-degree pop shove-it is not the way to go. And maybe he’s right because every time I’ve done it that way, the board’s flipped up and hit me in the shins. Or I’ve managed to flip the board and then landed one foot on the back and fallen. Charlie’s as determined as Jake used to be about learning something new, but I’m kind of happy to just stay at the level I’m at. It sounds pathetic, I know, but as much as I love skating, I really don’t love injuries. Before last year I used to take more risks, and there was a time when both my shins were bright blue with bruises, but now I’m fine just pulling off a few ollies or a kickflip.
I turn to skate back to where Tone is, but as I do I see Maddie sitting on his knee and his hand wrapped around her and somewhere up under her school uniform, and they’re pashing. I don’t know how he does it but he does. Every time. And he probably won’t even see her again after today, but that’s just what he’s like. And the more I watch them, her blonde hair falling down like a veil hiding their faces, the more I want nothing to do with this place, or these people.
I skate out towards the road, wondering if Tone will even care tha
t I’ve left. Probably not. He’ll just rib me about it later.
There’s a tram pulling up as I reach Riversdale Road and I kick the back of my skateboard, grabbing it in one hand and running down the hill. Luckily the peak-hour traffic is so bad the tram is sort of wedged between one SUV and another and I make it easily to the stop in time.
It’s packed with workers heading home, so I jam myself into the middle and lean against the concertina bit that bends and winds behind me. There’s a kid across from me, leaning against the opposite side. He’s wearing my school’s uniform and I recognise his face but I don’t know his name. He nods at me and I nod back. I’m glad he’s got earbuds in so we don’t have to make awkward chat.
I take out my phone and see three messages from Ellie wondering where I am. She’d be furious if she knew I’d blown her off to skate with Tone. She doesn’t like him at all. I start to message her another excuse and then my phone beeps. It’s Tone.
Where u?
It takes me a minute to think of what to say. If I tell him I’m on the tram, he’s going to know I’m going to Ellie’s.
Family emergency.
That sort of covers everything even if it’s not true.
I know I’m lying to everyone, but that’s what happens when you put a man in a coma and then he dies. You become two people, split down the middle between before and now. And the now is not such a good place to be.
Coming. Stupid teacher made us stay back.
I hit send and feel sick. I don’t want to lie to Ellie. I know what she’d do if she found out. She’s already funny with me because she thinks I’m ditching Jake because he doesn’t fit into my new world. I can’t explain that’s not true so I have to let her think I’ve changed and she’s pretty critical of that.
My phone beeps. It’s Tone. L8r.
I shove my phone back in my pocket. I’m still not sure why Tone has decided to include me in his very wide circle of friends. It’s not like he needs another one. But as much as he’s a complete dick, and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with him if Jake and I still hung out, I sort of like how stupid he is. He doesn’t think about consequences because he knows his dad will bail him out of everything. He just is who he is without pretence and without games. He’s like Jake in that way, but with less bravado and a lot more money.
The kid across from me nods again as he presses the button at his stop. I nod back and think how like two middle-aged men we are, nodding to each other just because we recognise the uniform. Dad would approve.
jake
The air is so still. There’s no breeze at all. It’s probably stupid but I have to go, even if he tells me to leave as soon as I get there. I messaged Ellie and she sent me the address. I told her I wanted to surprise him so I hope she doesn’t say anything before I can get there. It’s a house party, round the corner from his place. Ellie told me what stop to get off at so as long as the train doesn’t take four hours, I should be there by 11.30 p.m.
Before, Alex and I would roam our streets on a Saturday night, looking for things to do. We never found much. Kicked cans through the park. Lay on the roundabout and talked about girls. Climbed a tree. But it feels different on my own. Like I’m a shadow passing through. Like if people looked out their windows they wouldn’t notice me at all.
The closer I get to the station, the less I know why I’m here.
The carriage’s almost empty. Some kid’s scraping the glass on the window with a coin, marking his name. I look the other way. I haven’t seen Alex for ages. Not since the funeral. It was like he decided that night to cut me off, and so he did. Twelve years of friendship. Gone.
The train pulls into Flinders Street Station. The platform is heaving. People are yelling and singing their team’s theme song. I try to get off as they are getting on and for a second I think I’m stuck right here, in the doorway, in the push and pull. But then an old guy in a Hawks scarf and hat pulls two kids away from the door and says, ‘You’re right, mate.’
I nod thanks and squeeze my way through the celebrating fans.
As I leave the station and walk out onto Flinders Street, the city feels electric. I don’t come into town much on Saturday nights, especially not at this time, and it’s almost frightening how many people are around. I weave through as fast as I can, head down, not catching anybody’s eye. I’m counting on being almost invisible in my shadowy black. I have to wait for the tram. Number 75. It runs almost all the way to the party. A group of girls are laughing loudly just near me but I resist the urge to look at them. Finally, the tram pulls up and I slip on, down the back, and find a seat in a corner, just like at school. I’m practised at hiding.
I send Ellie a text just to make sure she’s still there.
A second later, one comes back. Yep.
This was Ellie’s idea. To reunite us. She’s sure it will work. And I hope she’s right. Thing is, I miss him.
The front door is open. The house is huge. There are people everywhere. Bursting out of rooms like the house can’t hold them all. It’s amazing the cops haven’t been called because the noise is really loud. There’s some bad Katy Perry song blaring and a bunch of girls are singing along and sort of holding each other up in the lounge room.
I walk through the house, scanning faces as I go, searching. There’s a bunch of guys laughing and sculling beers and I wonder if they go to school with Alex. I decide I don’t like them even though I’ve only seen them for about three seconds, which is stupid, I know, but they look so loose and light that I’m jealous. I haven’t looked like that in forever.
A girl screams right near my ear and I spin round to see her chasing some guy down the hallway. I wonder how Ellie’s coping with all this. It’s not really her scene. As I reach the kitchen, hands grab me from behind and clamp across my eyes.
‘Finally!’ I hear Ellie say. She lets go and I turn around to see her. I smile because she’s wearing bright red shorts with striped leggings and a t-shirt and she looks nothing like anyone else here.
‘Can you believe the music?’ she says, pulling a face.
‘What? You don’t like Katy Perry?’
‘Groan,’ she says with an eye roll. Ellie’s into weird stuff, bands nobody our age has ever heard of.
‘So where’s Alex?’
She nods towards the back of the house. ‘Out there with guys from school.’
I’m suddenly tempted to leave. She must see how I feel because she grabs my arm and tucks hers through mine. ‘Come on. They’re not that bad. Well, except for Tone. He’s a moron,’ she says, laughing.
So I let Ellie pull me outside where there are fairy lights in all the trees. The backyard is almost the size of our school oval. I see Alex before he sees me. He’s nearly a head taller than the other guys in the circle and he’s smiling at something someone’s saying. I stop walking and Ellie stops too. We stand a couple of metres away from them, watching. Then I see Alex look into the dark of the garden and notice us. His face changes in a beat and I know I shouldn’t have come.
Ellie starts trying to pull me over to him, but Alex has stepped away from the group and is coming towards us.
‘Jake?’ he says as he reaches us.
‘Yeah,’ I say.
Ellie stands between us like she’s brokering a peace deal. And maybe she is.
‘What are you doing here?’
At least he isn’t swearing at me. That’s something. Ellie slides her arm around his waist and pulls him closer. ‘I invited him.’
‘Why?’
She shrugs and smiles at me, trying to make it all okay. ‘Thought you two needed to hang out.’
Alex looks down at her and I try to read his expression. Ellie leans up to kiss him, but he moves away and her kiss hits the air. I can see the flash of panic in her face, like she doesn’t know what’s happening.
‘Alex, come on. It’s a party. He’s your friend. What’s the big deal,’ says Ellie, sounding pissed.
‘Bad idea. I’ll go,’
I say. But before I can, a guy even shorter than me walks up. He’s in shorts and a pale blue polo shirt, which spins me out because nobody I know dresses like that.
‘And who’s this, then?’ he says. Alex looks at him and then at me and I see the trouble in his eyes, the fear of being found out, so I look his friend right in his eyes. ‘I’m nobody. And I’m going,’ I say.
‘Hi, nobody. I’m Tone,’ he says, holding out his hand for me to shake and pinning me with a look that’s so sure, so slick. I can see why Ellie doesn’t like him. I start to walk away, but Ellie grabs my arm again, tugging me back. And then Alex is on the other side of me. ‘Let’s go, Jake,’ he says and I walk with him, leaving Ellie in the garden. The two of us move through the house like ghosts until we’re out on the street, out of the party, away.
I walk with him to the tram stop. I expect him to check the timetable, to see how long he has to put up with me, before I’m on my clickety-clackety way back to the suburbs. But he doesn’t. He just leans up against a fence, looking too big to be there.
‘Ellie wants everyone to be happy,’ he says finally, without looking up. ‘But it doesn’t work like that …’
‘You’ve moved on. I get it.’
He looks up now and I see how dark his eyes are, how angry. ‘Fuck off, Jake. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Every time I see you I think about that night. And if I don’t see you, then I can forget about it.’
‘Well, I can’t forget about it. No matter what.’
He shrugs and walks closer, towering over me. It’s never bothered me before, how much taller Alex is than me, but for some reason, tonight, out here, it does. ‘Did you put my name on some list at the funeral?’
I remember back. ‘Yeah. Just felt symbolic that you were there too.’
‘I got a thank-you note from his daughter. Thanks for that. Scared the shit out of me.’
‘Sorry, I didn’t think …’
‘Yeah, you never do. But if Ellie asks, then we went to the funeral of my old girlfriend’s dad. Okay?’