by Nova Weetman
‘Yeah,’ I manage to say. She touches me on the arm and gives me a kind little smile and I resist trying to yank myself free of her.
‘Here,’ she says, handing me a wad of tissues. ‘I always carry spares.’
I take them and wipe my eyes savagely like I’m trying to remove any sign that I’m upset. I start walking away from the church, knowing she’s watching me and wondering what she thinks. I wait for her to call out or even chase me but thankfully she doesn’t. I get down the road before my hand finally stops shaking. I realise I’m still clutching the program and I throw it into someone’s garden, and start to run for the tram. I have to get back to the borough. I have to get away from here.
alex
I haven’t spoken to Jake since that afternoon in the skate park, the day the man died. He keeps wanting to meet up and talk about it, keeps ringing me late at night, so I’ve started turning my phone off at home. Far as I can tell, there’s nothing more to talk about. We didn’t go to the police last year when it happened, so why would that change now just because he’s dead?
I’m just trying to bury myself in my new school. I joined the rowing team and made the seconds, which is pretty cool given that I’ve never rowed, but I’m tall and strong and they needed a replacement rower so I’m it.
I’ve also joined the debating team, as nerdy as that sounds. And I put my name down for the outdoor camp that runs all of term two. If Dad wants me to be a joiner, then I’ll be a joiner. The only problem with doing all this extra stuff is that it leaves me almost no time to go and see Ellie. It might be only 19 kilometres between Ellie’s place and mine, but on public transport it takes over an hour. Seriously. A tram. A train. And a walk.
I’m too scared to take off my blazer because it’s a big deal to be seen not wearing it on the way to or from school. But as I reach Ellie’s, I’m just about to slip it off when she opens the front door with a grin as big as any I’ve seen.
‘Well, look at you,’ she says, laughing.
I start trying to get the blazer off, but as I’m slipping it from one arm, she’s pulling it back on.
‘I think you look cute,’ she says, her lips brushing against mine. ‘I like boys in uniform.’
‘Hilarious.’
‘Yes I am. Come on, I’ve got Sunnyboys for us.’
I follow her into the house. It’s only a little cooler inside, but as soon as I take off the stupid blazer I feel much better. I grab Ellie by the hand and pull her down onto the big brown leather couch with me. She smells sweaty and sweet all at the same time and I kiss her mouth, her cherry lip balm sticky on my lips.
‘Mum’s home,’ she whispers in my ear. I groan, making her laugh. ‘But she’s out the back weeding right now so we have about three minutes, I reckon.’
‘So stop talking and kiss me,’ I say, finding her mouth again.
I could kiss Ellie forever. As her tongue finds mine, I know she’s smiling, and I smile back, our lips pressed together. I run my hands up her back and pull her closer, manoeuvring us both so I’m lying down and she’s on top of me. She’s only wearing a singlet and shorts so her warm skin is pressed against mine.
‘Alex, how nice to see you,’ says a voice from behind us. I freeze. Ellie laughs but stays where she is, her body against the length of mine. ‘Good one, Mum.’
I’m not quite as relaxed around Ellie’s parents as they keep telling me I can be, so I sit up, forcing Ellie to move too. ‘Hi, Laura.’
Ellie’s mum holds up a wilting lettuce in one hand and a couple of dirt-covered carrots in the other. ‘You staying for dinner?’
‘No, I can’t. But thanks.’
She nods. ‘I’ll leave you both to it then.’
Ellie’s mum walks out of the lounge and into the kitchen. I can hear her whistling. Ellie slides up so she’s sitting on my lap and leans down to kiss me again, but all I can concentrate on is the banging sounds of dinner being made in the kitchen. Ellie nips my bottom lip with her teeth and whispers, ‘She doesn’t care.’
I roll my eyes. ‘But I do.’
‘Boring,’ says Ellie, climbing off and walking out of the room. I’m not used to parents being as casual as Ellie’s. Actually, they aren’t casual about everything, just their daughter making out in the lounge. But if Ellie’s grades slip or if they think she isn’t working hard enough at school, then she’d be in trouble. They have big plans for her.
‘So how is it?’ says Ellie, handing me a Sunnyboy frozen ice triangle. She plonks down on the couch and rests her legs on mine.
‘Okay.’
She gnaws at the orange iceblock. ‘I hate that sound,’ I say, licking the Sunnyboy but not biting it. She laughs and keeps doing it.
‘Just okay?’
I shrug. How do I explain it? ‘It’s huge. Impressive. No girls. I don’t know yet.’
‘I’m glad there are no girls,’ she says.
‘But it’s all the other boys talk about.’
‘Can you survive it?’
‘Yeah. I think so.’
‘Make any friends?’ she asks in her singsong voice.
‘Maybe.’
‘Not saying much, Alex.’
‘Not much to say. How was your week?’
She laughs and I realise how much I love that sound. ‘Listen to us. We sound about a hundred. My day was fine, thanks. Double science. Double English. Have you spoken to Jake?’ She looks at me, those eyes trying to work something free. I know she’s digging for answers, but I have nothing to say.
‘Nah. Not for a while. Why?’
‘Don’t know. He’s been a bit weird.’
‘Yeah?’ I suck the flavour from the ice until there’s none left in that spot.
‘Yeah. Do you know what it could be?’
I shake my head. ‘Nah. Sorry. He’s still pissed that I moved …’ I see her frown and realise she’s unconvinced.
‘I don’t think that’s why …’ she says, chewing into the ice again and sending shivers down my back. ‘He told me he has to go a funeral, but wouldn’t tell me whose it was. Don’t you think that’s weird?’
I really don’t like where this conversation is going. Even though Jake isn’t here, he’s still dominating the afternoon and ruining my time with Ellie.
‘Yeah, but Jake is weird, El. I keep telling you that.’
‘Don’t you care about him at all?’
Ellie’s getting worked up in that way she has, where she tries to get to the bottom of something. Sometimes I love it, but other times, like right now, I just wish she’d let it go.
‘Yeah, but can we talk about something else?’
She gives me a look and I see her teetering between taking up the argument and not. There’s a second where she seems to think and then says, ‘Like?’
I’ve already got my distraction planned. ‘Why is it called a Sunnyboy?’ I hold up the iceblock. She pretends to think. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Me neither.’
‘Well, that ended that conversation. Can we go back to Jake now?’
I move a bit and send her feet off my lap. I can’t believe we’re back here already.
‘Don’t you worry about him, Alex?’
‘No. He’s a big boy, El.’
She slides her feet back up again and kicks at my leg. ‘Yeah and he’s supposed to be your best friend.’
‘Things change, El,’ and as I say it I know it’s true. We’ll never be best friends again. ‘We’ve grown apart.’
‘Sometimes, Alex …’ she starts.
I look over at her. I wish I could tell her why. Explain what happened that derailed us, but I can’t. That secret stays with me. So I lean over and kiss her icy, orange-flavoured lips, hoping to distract her again from this conversation, so we can forget about Jake and all the trouble he’s in.
jake
Ten minutes into a double science class and my phone has just beeped for the fourth time. I’m trying to ignore it, but as Mr Cap is busy explaining our first experiment, I s
lide my phone out to read the messages. They are all from Alex. I scan them quickly, arriving at the last and feeling like I might crumple on the ground.
Call.
Now.
Ring.
He’s dead.
He’s dead. The man is dead. I hold the metal bench to stop myself falling. I feel like I’m going to spew.
‘Can I go to the toilet?’ I say loudly, over Mr Cap.
My teacher looks annoyed but he nods, mid-sentence, and I hurry from the room. I make it to the toilet and lock the door. I flick the toilet seat closed and sit down.
Alex answers on the first ring.
‘He’s dead,’ he says, like I didn’t get the messages.
‘How?’
‘You have to ask that?’ Alex’s voice is harsh.
I ignore him. ‘How’d you find out is what I meant.’
‘News.’
‘Shit.’
‘Yeah.’
I’m breathing hard. He’s breathing hard. It’s all just hot, noisy breath down the phone with neither of us saying anything.
Then Alex says, ‘I’ve been researching. Even though we’re only fifteen, we’d still be tried as adults. Go to jail. There are other cases. They’d argue we knew the consequences of what we did. In other words, we’re screwed, Jake.’
‘Only if they find us,’ I say, realising immediately how that sounds.
‘But still …’
‘Yeah. He’s dead.’
I think Alex’s crying and I really don’t want to hear that.
‘There’s someone coming. I’ve got to go,’ I lie, wishing a kid would bang their way into the toilets just so I didn’t have to pretend.
‘Jake, you said he’d wake up,’ he whispers.
‘I hoped.’
‘But you said not to worry. That it’d be okay. You made me think everything would be all right. But it’s not. He’s dead. He has a kid. A wife. They had to turn the machine off.’
‘I’m sorry, Alex. I thought …’
There’s a wild scream down the phone and Alex has started sobbing.
‘I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later.’ I hang up before he can answer.
Thing is, I thought we were okay. I stupidly thought that if he hadn’t died by now, then he’d wake up. But he was dead this whole time.
*
I Google the news. It’s the lead story. Big colour photo of his shiny, smiling face. A detective is quoted as saying they’re still investigating. And then they interview his friends. His wife. I turn off my phone and hear someone slam into the toilets and shut the door next to me.
I flush as I leave, just in case someone catches me coming out, and I can’t believe that I can be so calm right now. I walk back to class and resume my spot at the bench between Tien and some girl called Janey. Tien pulls a face from behind the safety goggles, and I realise I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. But I start to pour some liquids anyway because it’s better than standing here replaying the sound of Alex sobbing down the phone.
‘Too much sulphur, Jake,’ says Mr Cap as my concoction fizzes out of the test tube and onto the science bench. Normally I’d care what Mr Cap thinks but today it just slams into my head that a man is dead. I stare at the mess of chemicals dripping from the bench onto the white lino floor. It’s a surprisingly pretty sight. The greeny-blue bubbly mixture looks a little like the potions Alex and I would make out of food colouring and random ingredients we’d snatch from his mum’s pantry. I’m not actually sure, though, if the puddle’s toxic enough to burn a hole right through the floor into another dimension. But that would be one option for me.
‘Clean it up, Jake. You don’t want that stuff on your skin,’ says Mr Cap, handing me a thick yellow sponge. As I wipe across the spillage, erasing any sign of the chemicals, I can’t believe this might be my last science class. Yesterday if anyone had asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I would have said I want to study science. Especially chemistry.
‘Jake? You okay?’
I look up into the worried eyes of Mr Cap. I’m still pushing the sponge backwards and forwards across the floor, trying to clean nothing.
Mr Cap laughs. ‘You trying to see what will happen if you keep wiping? That’s one way to check cause and effect.’
I shake my head, knowing tears are so close that if he says one more thing to me, they’re going to drip all over this nicely cleaned floor.
‘I’ll just go rinse the sponge,’ I say, standing up.
But he plucks it from my fingers. ‘Just wash your hands and you can start remaking.’
And now the tears are coming. I can feel the itchy beginning as they start bubbling up behind my eyes. Desperate to mask how I feel, I wipe my eyes with my hands and Mr Cap squawks, ‘Chemicals! You’d better wash your eyes too! Where are you today, Jake? You’re away with the pixies.’
I know he’s still watching after me as I bang through the chemistry lab door on the way to the bathroom. I wash my hands in the metal basin and try to avoid looking in the mirror. But I can’t. I just have to see what I look like. Nothing’s different from yesterday except that I haven’t shaved again so I’m a bit hairier. But the pimple on my cheek is still there. My eyes are still dark brown. And my hair is still floppy and in need of a wash. It’s the same face.
I splash water on my face, relieved my teary eyes can be put down to too much sulphur, and walk back towards class. This time I’m going to use the right amount of chemicals and Mr Cap will be impressed.
Alex is skating in circles in the bowl. He’s just going around and around like somehow that will make things better. He’s in his new school uniform and that surprises me. I didn’t think he’d want me to see him like that. Not today anyway.
I skate towards the edge and then drop down into the bowl, narrowly missing him as he skates another circle.
‘You took ages,’ he says.
‘Yeah. Sorry.’
‘Thought you weren’t coming.’
I stop skating and wait for him to come around near me. As he does, I grab his arm and pull him to a halt beside me. He looks awful. Red eyes. Blotchy.
‘Can’t believe it, Jake.’
‘You haven’t told anyone?’
He pulls his arm away and skates off, towards the world of graffiti down the end of the bowl. There’s rubbish there too. Chip packets. Burger boxes. Soft drink cans.
‘Take that as a no.’
‘What do you reckon?’
He skates past me. I follow him, slow enough so I won’t catch him. Then he stops suddenly, jumping off his board and letting it keep rolling. He stops me as I reach him. I can see the strain on his face.
‘I don’t want go to jail, Jake.’
‘I don’t either.’
Alex grabs my arm so tight I feel like he might break it. ‘Jake, you don’t understand. I can’t go to jail. I just can’t.’
I try for lightness. I even smile like he’s worrying about something he shouldn’t. ‘We’re only fifteen. We aren’t going to jail.’
‘I told you on the phone. There’s a precedent. We could be tried as adults. We knew what we were doing. It’s our fault. It’s not like we didn’t know what could happen. We did.’
He lets go of my arm, but it feels like his fingers are still curled around it. Agitated, he starts pacing. His usual coolness has disappeared completely. I hate seeing my best friend like this. So I make a snap decision. I have to make this okay.
‘Alex, we won’t go to jail.’ My voice is so sure.
He spins around. His eyes are wild. ‘We will if anyone finds out.’ His body is shaking. I’m worried that he’d tell anyone he saw right now. I need to get him to understand.
He’s so intense that I skate off, carving higher, up the edge, where it’s harder to stay up, leaving Alex down in the grubby bit of the bowl.
‘Come on, let’s go skate up top,’ I say, running for the side and stretching up to grab the metal lip to pull myself out. My legs scrape across
the edge but I sit waiting for Alex to join me. He seems lost down in the bowl, just standing with his board nearby, like the ground is going to suck him under.
‘No one’s going to find out,’ I say loudly, like I’m talking about cheating on a maths exam, not about killing someone. He looks up at me and seems to snap back to earth. I watch him run for the side, tossing his board at me so he can pull himself out. But he must misjudge it because his board shoots out and makes it, but he’s left hanging onto the dirty concrete by his fingers, struggling to pull himself up. The sight is all wrong. My mate Alex doesn’t misjudge a simple run-up out of a concrete bowl we’ve skated in our whole lives.
I reach out for his hand as he runs up for a second try. I see his blazer smudged with dust where it brushed against the filthy concrete. The words in Latin on his pocket. I grab his hand and for a second we just stay there, like counter-weights. Me up the top and him down the bottom, waiting. And then, just like that, I pull. And he’s next to me again.
‘It’s just like when Lottie was run over,’ he says quietly.
I haven’t heard him mention his dog for ages. ‘Yeah, and it was an accident, just like that.’
‘They weren’t accidents, Jake. Both times we did something that caused them to die.’
I look at him sharply. ‘What happened with Lottie?’
Alex turns away. ‘Left the gate open. She got out.’
‘That’s got nothing to do with me.’
‘Yeah. Thanks.’
I think back to Mr Cap’s science class. I want to show him that it’s not that simple. ‘But you didn’t kill her. She might have got out anyway. And the man might have died anyway. You can’t prove causality.’
Alex laughs but the sound is ugly and mean. ‘You trying to make me feel better or you?’
‘I’m not. It’s just that Mr Cap …’
‘Don’t give me that science crap, Jake. They both died because of something we did. End of story.’
He’s right. I know it. But he’s drowning in it and I can’t let him go under.