by Nova Weetman
The moon isn’t full, but it’s groaning with light. We head out into the night. I slip my fingers into Ellie’s warm hand, and squeeze. She squeezes back and I wish that Jake had stayed home.
‘Wish we could stay on holidays forever,’ says Ellie wistfully.
‘I’m looking forward to going back,’ says Jake, surprising me. ‘I’ve got Mr Cap for two subjects a week. And I’m going to try for that science program.’
‘Cool,’ says Ellie.
‘Alex? You excited about your new school?’
I look at Jake, wondering if he’s having a go. But his face is expressionless.
‘Nah, not really. You know me.’
As we turn the corner near my old house, Jake kicks a Coke can, scattering gravel across the ground. Ellie chases after it and kicks it back to him and pretty soon they’re playing a soccer game in the middle of the road. Ellie laughs as she kicks it around Jake’s legs and up onto the footpath.
‘Score,’ she yells.
‘Anyone want a swing?’ says Jake as we pass the gate at the playground.
‘Nah,’ I say, thinking Ellie will just want to go home. But she surprises me. She nods at him and heads through the gate. She takes the little swing, the one with the curved plastic bottom, meant for a toddler, while Jake takes the wide, flat seat. And I sit on the roundabout, the bumpy metal digging into my hands. I haven’t been here since that night. But it feels so long ago. Not just months, but years. I watch Ellie push her legs out so she can go higher and higher. Neither of them says anything. They’re just swinging in silence.
I stand and start to run around the outside of the roundabout, making it spin faster and faster until I launch myself onto the crisscrossed metal platform and lock my fingers into one of the holes and lie back, eyes open, head turning as the trees flick past me. I realise I haven’t thought about the man for a while, because I’ve been too caught up in moving houses and wondering what it all means for me and Ellie. Jake hasn’t mentioned him lately and I wonder if he’s stopped thinking about him too. I hope he’s okay. The man. I really hope he’s okay.
‘It’s a pathetic playground, isn’t it?’ says Ellie, as the roundabout slows and I can’t be bothered getting up to make it spin again.
‘Nah, I like it,’ I say, surprising myself.
Ellie grabs the metal near my feet and starts to run fast, making me spin again. I laugh. ‘Get on, Ellie!’
‘I should go home,’ she says softly.
I sit up, the roundabout still turning slowly, the inside of my head turning faster.
Then Ellie jumps onto the roundabout and lands on me hard. She lies down, her head on my chest and we’re crisscrossed on the metal frame, spinning in the night. I reach out to touch her face and as my fingers connect with her skin, I feel that charge I always feel when I’m near her, like my skin’s being burned just by the closeness of her.
‘I wish I wasn’t changing schools,’ I say quietly.
Ellie doesn’t get a chance to speak because suddenly Jake is there. He catches the bar of the roundabout, causing it to stop. ‘Would you rather be slumming it with us?’ asks Jake coldly.
‘Yeah. You know I would.’
It’s dark enough that I can look at him but avoid his eyes. I wait for the challenge to come.
‘Really? Want me to ask your dad for you? Or are you just conveniently escaping all this?’ says Jake, his arms spread wide.
I sit up, the roundabout wobbling beneath me. Ellie watches us, not saying anything.
‘It’s not my choice, Jake. It’s Dad. He’s had me down at that school since I was born. I was always going to finish high school there. You know that.’
Ellie wriggles across, her bum on the edge, her feet scuffing in the dirt. We both wait for her to speak. And when she does, she turns back to me, like Jake’s not even in the park. ‘I think it’s better if you’re somewhere else when I’m supposed to be learning, because I’d never concentrate if we were in class together,’ she says, smiling at me with her whole face and making my body ache.
I manage a pathetic sort of smile back.
‘Remember the last time we were here?’ says Jake. I say nothing, wishing he’d shut up, but knowing why he needs to say it too.
‘Alex?’
‘Yeah, I remember.’
‘When were you here?’ says Ellie, her fingers touching mine like we have to stay connected all the time.
I shake my head. ‘Doesn’t matter.’
‘Oh, come on. Tell me. When were you here?’
‘A while back,’ I say, as bits of that night flicker in my head like a movie.
Ellie looks between us, trying to work out what is going on. ‘Did something happen?’
‘No,’ I say savagely just as Jake says, ‘Yes.’
‘Jake, shut it,’ I say, terrified that he’s going to ruin this.
‘Boys,’ warns Ellie. ‘It’s no fun if you’re going to fight.’
‘You’re right, Ellie. I’m outta here. I’ll leave the front door unlocked, Grammar Boy,’ says Jake with so much anger that Ellie grabs my hand. Within seconds, he’s melted into the darkness and I can’t see him anymore.
‘Is he always like that?’
‘Nah. Not always. He’s just angry.’
‘Yeah. I reckon. But so are you. Why?’
‘I don’t know. He just riles me up. It’s not like I want to leave. I don’t. I want to stay at school with you. But I can’t.’
She inches closer to me, leaning her face in so we’re staring right into each other’s eyes. ‘I sort of like the idea of dating a grammar boy,’ she says, smiling in the dark.
I smile back. ‘We’re dating, are we?’
‘Haven’t decided yet,’ she says. ‘Depends if you’re a good enough kisser.’
I lean over and kiss her on the lips, and it’s the best kiss I’ve ever had. As she breaks away, she looks at me and says, ‘You’ll do for the moment.’
jake
‘You can’t wear your skinny jeans, Jake,’ says Mum from the doorway of my bedroom.
‘Don’t be a cliché,’ I say back.
She laughs and then her voice gets serious. ‘I mean it, Jake. You need to wear something less obviously teenagery.’
‘As far as I know there’s no hiding the fact I’m a teenager, Mum. Unless you lied on my birth certificate. Now that you mention it, I am pretty small for my age.’
‘No denim and no manky t-shirt. You have that shirt I bought you for Dad’s funeral.’
‘It’s white.’
‘Yes, the opposite of black. Not sure why teenagers are so attached to wearing black. White is much cooler in summer.’
I laugh because I can’t help it. Usually Mum is pretty in touch with things, but this is anything but.
She doesn’t laugh back. She gives me the practised mother look. ‘Wear the shirt.’
‘Okay,’ I say.
One of Mum’s patients is a scientist. And because Mum clearly talks about me so much, and how I want to be a scientist, he offered to have us come down to the lab where he works and go on a tour. Mum’s super excited and I want to be, but it’s hard to be excited about anything at the moment, because Alex’s moving and the man is still in a coma and everything I do reminds me of how my life is going to change next year without my best friend down the road. But I’m trying to be excited for Mum’s sake. So today, Mum and I are going to the CSIRO to see inside the laboratories where they are developing new food grains that may reduce the risk of diabetes or something like that.
I feel like Charlie Bucket in the chocolate factory. The poor kid in the only new shirt they own with the overly excited adult accompanying them to see if their lot in life can possibly change.
I wait until she’s out of the room and I take off my dirty black t-shirt and search around in the cupboard for the white one. It’s at the back with my dad’s motorcycle jacket that I haven’t tried on in ages. I remember when I discovered he’d left it here. It was like this lit
tle secret between him and me, a sort of message that he was coming back one day. At least that’s how I chose to see it when I was nine, but then he went to jail and never came back.
I slip on the white shirt and immediately feel ridiculous. The cotton is cool against my skin and I roll up the sleeves because I hate having anything on my arms. But no matter what Mum says, I’m not taking my skinny jeans off. It’s not like this guy is about to offer me a job. It’s just a tour.
I find Mum in the bathroom, putting on make-up. She never wears make-up. It’s beginning to freak me out a bit.
‘Mum?’
She smiles into the mirror, causing her lipstick to go a bit crooked.
‘What’s with all the effort?’
She takes her time to answer, rubbing her lips together and then wiping a tissue around the outside to blot off the smudges. It’s strange seeing Mum in lipstick. It’s like she’s someone else.
‘Please don’t wear those jeans, honey. They have a ripped knee.’
I smile. ‘They’re supposed to.’
She sighs. ‘This man is doing us a favour. I just want to look respectable.’
And then I get it. All that stuff that I feel, Mum feels it too. Except where Mum obviously has a need to try and fit in, I get more rebellious when I think someone’s judging me. But despite hating the idea of taking off my uniform skinny jeans with the holes, I nod. ‘Sure. I’ll go change my jeans.’
Mum drives this old beat-up car that Dad bought new just after they’d had me. So it’s nearly sixteen years old and looks every minute of it. It even has a tape deck, which I find constantly amusing, because most teenagers haven’t even seen a cassette tape, let alone played one in their parent’s car. Mum likes driving to The Beatles because they remind her of her dad.
‘So Thomas, that’s the man who’s showing us around today, he’s worked at the CSIRO for twenty years. Isn’t that amazing?’ says Mum as she turns onto the freeway.
I’m too distracted to answer, because right at that second we drive under the overpass, and I automatically turn to stare at the bank on the side.
‘Jake?’
I nod distractedly as we speed past the spot where my life changed.
‘He started as a junior and now he runs the whole department.’
‘Oh,’ I say, feeling my hand starting to shake so I wedge it under my thigh to stop it moving.
‘Jake?’
‘Yeah?’ I finally look across at her.
‘Try to get excited about this. Okay?’
‘I am,’ I say, forcing a smile.
Mum shoots me a glance to see if I understand what she’s saying. I nod. She’s really impressed with this guy and I hope it’s because of his brain and not for some other reason. I’m not really sure how I’d deal with that. Mum hasn’t dated anyone since Dad left and as far as I know she’s pretty content with her job and her crime shows. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she wants something more.
‘I’m nervous,’ I tell her, hoping it will cover how sweaty I am.
‘Oh, honey, don’t be. It’ll be fun.’
I close my eyes and listen intently to the words of She Loves Me whispering out of the speaker near my foot.
As we pull into the enormous car park at the Clayton CSIRO, I try to psych myself up. I’m going to see a proper lab where they do work on nanofabrication. Mr Cap was totally pumped when he heard where we were going, but Mum looked at me like I was telling her aliens were invading when I tried to explain what they did.
‘Shall we park here?’ she asks, circling the car park for the hundredth time.
‘Yep. Perfect,’ I say, slightly irritated she’s so nervous, because I need her not to be.
She finally stops the car, killing the sound of Yellow Submarine.
‘Do I look okay?’
I smile as she strains to catch glimpses of her face in the rear-vision mirror. ‘Yeah, Mum. You look great.’
She nods. ‘Come on then. Your future awaits!’
Future. I’m not sure what that is now.
I traipse across the asphalt, Mum walking just a step in front. She keeps tugging at her clothes and flicking her hair like she’s going on a date. We head inside to the cool of the foyer. Silver is everywhere, like the designer was setting the scene for what they imagine science will be one day. Mum can’t keep still, and I try to ignore her, but the more she fluffs herself, the more I understand how much this means to her. She gives our names to the receptionist and we wait.
Mum shakes a tin of mints at me and I pour half the box into my hand. I chew more than I need, my mouth exploding with cold. A man with grey hair and a giant smile walks towards us. I clock his wedding ring as he holds his hand out to us. I’m relieved.
‘Good to see you, Kate,’ he says, leaning in to kiss Mum on the cheek. She blushes and I wonder again what he is to her.
‘So this must be Jake, the budding scientist,’ he says, shaking my hand.
I swallow the rest of the mints so I can speak. ‘Yeah,’ I answer, feeling about five.
‘Your mum told me you’ve been doing really well at school.’
I shrug, embarrassed, while Mum watches me with this crazy proud-parent super smile plastered all over her face.
‘Do you know much about what we do here?’
‘Yeah, a bit …’
‘Well, you’re about to see our state-of-the-art labs and other amazing facilities. You just have to wear these.’
He hands us two visitor’s passes and I clip mine to my shirt. I’m pleased now Mum made me wear nice clothes. We fall in behind him as he leads us down a corridor. I can hear Mum making polite chit-chat while all I can do is stare at a huge cylindrical machine off to the left. We reach one of the labs. Through the glass, I can see giant machinery whirring and scientists in white lab coats, watching screens.
‘In this particular lab, the work they’re doing is part of a global race to make microchip technology that can discover new enzymes,’ says Thomas. Mum nods like she knows what he’s talking about.
It’s everything I imagined science would be. People bent over microscopes. Giant metal fridges. Fluorescent overhead lighting. And that still, quiet atmosphere just like in the church I used to go to with my grandfather, where people had their own little rituals they carried out in silence. This is my sort of church.
Mum and Thomas have walked ahead, so I hurry to catch up with them. Thomas holds open a door for me, and I walk through into a lab where even the air feels smart and knowing. Thomas talks softly, explaining. ‘This is our biochemistry lab where we do analysis of fabricated devices and imaging. We have a 3D printer and high-tech microscopes.’
I watch a woman peer into the eyepiece of a giant microscope. I want to know what she’s looking at, but I don’t want my voice to be the thing that breaks the silence, so I shuffle out behind Thomas without saying anything.
He shows us to the cleanroom areas, which we can’t enter because they have to stay sterile. And he shows us the wet chemistry areas and the robotic wet benches. My mind soars at the possibilities. I’m aware of Mum studying me as I watch the busyness through the windows. I’m aware of her hope and it’s a lot to bear, but nothing can weigh me down at this moment.
‘What do you think, Jake?’ says Mum behind me.
‘Pretty amazing.’ As if I can sum it up in words.
‘A lot’s changed since I started here,’ says Thomas. ‘Half these machines weren’t even invented when I trained.’
‘So what do you do here?’ I say, realising it’s the first question I’ve asked, and even now can’t actually look away from the lab long enough to make proper eye contact with him.
‘Sadly, I do more public relations work than real science these days, and I miss it,’ he says. ‘But a lot of the work we do is very specialised and it’s not necessarily my area of science. So instead I get to talk to the public a lot. Inspire young scientists like yourself.’
Mum laughs and I think how nervous she sounds, how u
nlike herself she is today. ‘Thanks, Thomas. I think he’s very inspired,’ she says, reaching out to touch my arm.
‘Yeah, thanks,’ I say, realising the tour has come to an end and not wanting it to.
‘You should apply to our work experience program. We offer a few places to year ten students,’ says Thomas.
My heart races at the thought of me, here. I nod, not managing any words. We follow him back to the reception area and hand in our visitor passes.
‘Here, Jake. Take my card and get your teacher to email me about the work experience program,’ he says. I look down at the small white business card, his name embossed in gold letters. I can feel my hand starting to shake again and I wedge the card down deep into my pocket so I won’t lose it. I’ve never been given a business card before.
‘You take care, Kate,’ he says, giving Mum another kiss on the cheek. ‘Your mum looked after me very well in hospital. She made sure I always got chocolate mousse instead of jelly for dessert.’ He laughs and then adds warmly, ‘It was nice to meet you, Jake. Best of luck with everything.’
I manage to say thanks, and then Mum and I head out into the day. It’s so sunny I have to fight to keep my eyes open. Neither of us says anything until we get to the car and then it’s like all the effort of having such good manners makes us both explode with giggles. Mum can’t find her car keys and has to tip out everything in her bag to find them and even that makes us laugh. Finally she holds them up, triumphant. ‘Ta da,’ she says, sending us into stitches again.
I slide into the front seat and say to her, ‘That was great.’
Mum smiles a big, beaming smile at me. ‘Yeah. It really was.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’
‘Pleasure, honey. Thanks for letting me come with you. Hope I didn’t ask too many stupid questions.’
‘Not one.’
She nudges me. ‘What about if we go have lunch in the city instead of going home?’
I smile. ‘Yeah.’
‘You’ll have to navigate, though. I have no idea how to get there.’
‘Okay,’ I say as she hands me her mobile so I can look up Google Maps.