My eyes burned from the mud that had seeped into the water or merely from the constant dunking under the water. I didn’t know or have time to care. Now, I was not only fighting for their life, I was fighting for my own.
“Noah!” had barely left my lips when water was scorched into my lungs as I propelled myself upward and coughed, kicking my legs as hard as I could to stay afloat.
Momentarily, everything slowed, and my vision blurred. I was losing consciousness, but I rejected the urge. They couldn’t die. Dizziness overtook me, and my head seemed heavier than normal, launching downward, and water splashed my nose. Like most of my body, I thought my fingertips were numb from the water’s temperature, but I felt something unnaturally colder under them. It was the change in temperature, I was sure, that awoke me from blacking out. I really didn’t care what the reason was as long as I was able to fight for them.
It was Noah’s arm! “I got you!” I screamed over the thunder and lightning, pulling his body under my shoulder, and determination rolled through me. I. Would. Save. Him!
As soon as I brought us to the shore, I began compressions. Tears of horror tumbled down my face as I saw his. “Come on!” I begged his lifeless body. “Please,” I cried, losing hope. By the grace of God, Noah coughed and water expelled from him. Immediately, I rolled him onto his side, relief blanketing my fears.
“You’re okay, you hear me?” I demanded him to answer and cradled him into my chest. His little head nodded in agreement. His body shook, and I knew I needed to get him to the hospital.
“I lost my hat,” he complained in a weak voice, and I looked down to his hairline, soaking with blood. A heatwave of panic moved into my body, and I fought to breathe. Blood was something I saw daily, and it never bothered me in the slightest. My love for animals by far outweighed my compassion for other people, or so I had thought. As I held this boy in my arms, I realized it wasn’t that I didn’t care for people. It was I cared too much to lose them.
“Shit,” I whispered, applying pressure with my hand, and the child’s blood seeped around my fingers as his body went limp. Checking his wrists, I found a weak and thready radial pulse, but it was there…and then it completely faded.
“Somebody, please!” I screamed into the storm and began compressions again. After my fifth compression, my linked fingers and palms sank farther than they had before. His ribs broke under my hands—the hands I’d promised would only heal. Nausea rattled my insides, but I had to overcome it. This wasn’t about me.
Headlights topped the hill and spotlighted where we were, I continued to fight for him because his body had given up on him.
“Help him, please,” I begged him in such a dreadful voice, but I knew I wasn’t only asking this man, but God.
The man rushed back to his vehicle to call 911 he informed me when he returned to my side. I continued compressions until the paramedics arrived and they pulled my hands from Noah’s breathless body. I’d lost him.
“Sir.” The officer approached me, but I’d lost myself into the flashing red and blue lights. Each split second of darkness allowed his face to appear behind my eyes. He’d been so full of life only a few hours before. Now he was gone. There was no hope to save Jeff. I had accepted that the moment I dove into the water to save Noah, but I didn’t save him. I tried to save him and failed. What kind of doctor couldn’t save a little boy?
“Sir?” he said again, his voice filling with alarm.
“I tried,” I cried, burying my face into my hands, and Mulder crawled closer to my feet. “I tried to save them,” I repeated myself, noticing the blood covering my hands, and shook with disgust. It wasn’t the blood that bothered me; it was whom the blood belonged to. Someone I couldn’t save.
One of the multiple cops took my statement, and they searched for Jeff’s body, finding him and determining him a D.O.A., which stood for dead on arrival.
“It was one of those freak accidents,” a news reporter spoke in front of a camera, and it took all the restraint I had not to throw the camcorder to the ground, smashing it into little pieces. This was why I’d decided I didn’t like people. They’re fucking inconsiderate. Apparently, I just needed a reminder of how indecent they could really be.
In the middle of a storm, more people left their tracks in the mud than these grounds had ever seen. The saying about misery was abundantly clear in this moment. I hated all of them, every last set of prying eyes that was unnecessarily here. Each heart that had to be blackened, because how else would their present be justified?
Once the last person left, I found my rod and dragged the bottom, searching for his hat. If it were important for him to let it be his last words, I would fulfill his dying wish because I owed him a hell of a lot more.
Slowly, I looked the love of my life in the eyes and watched every bit of light fade from her. I watched as she wilted before me, and I was completely helpless. I couldn’t save her any more than I could save her son. I was a pitiful excuse of a man, and for me to ever think otherwise was proof of exactly that.
Eris didn’t ask any other questions. Actually, she didn’t speak at all. She blankly stared at her son’s hat in her hands. Her eyes never quite met mine again. Quietly, she removed herself from my grasp and walked out of the room. The door creaked as she closed it on her way out of my house.
I knew I should chase after her, but there are certain situations that just simply can’t be fixed. This was one of those irreparable events. Our glass panes had shattered, and no amount of glue or love could mend the damage.
29
Eris
The moment Noah was born, my life began, and the day he passed sentenced me to hell. No parent should ever have to live on without his or her child. It disrupts the natural course of nature. Each day following Noah’s death had been sheer heartache for me, until I met Drex. I’d never been one to believe in unrealistic things, not even when I was little. Yet, somehow, a glimmer of a future with him was something I had almost believed was reachable. It was a pipe dream.
Finding direction with Drex was impossible, and now that we were over, my compass still couldn’t locate true north. It was as if being near him had thrown all of my instincts off their correct path. Really, I didn’t know. I needed a change because the current day-to-day wasn’t working for me. Continuously questioning the situation was driving me insane. I knew I was searching for answers where I may never find them. Only one thing was for certain—it had taken forty-one days to fall in love with Drexell Howell, and in those forty-one days I’d somehow lost myself. I’d forgotten how my life was without Drex in it. Despite all the kisses we’d shared and the unspoken love that grew, it’d only taken five minutes to be drained of every bit of compassion I held for him. The silence that we once flourished in now haunted me.
We hadn’t spoken in weeks, and a lot of that was my fault. When I walked out of his house and didn’t look back, I knew what I was doing, slapping a huge closed sign on our future. He didn’t try to stop me either. Part of me prayed he’d rush to my side and know the right words or actions to stop the pain, but he didn’t. He didn’t even bat an eye as I walked out of his house and out of his life. Although I’d walked away, it didn’t matter because as soon as he finished telling me what I was assuming was the highlights of Noah and Dad’s last day, that was all I could think of when I looked at Drex. In all aspects, I knew it wasn’t his fault that Noah died, but that didn’t stop the constant throbbing ache of my heart.
In a few short hours, I’d be completely gone from his life. Although we hadn’t contacted one another for weeks, I remained in Blackwell. Each day I stayed was sheer misery. Everything in this forsaken town reminded me of him. For that, I resented him. He took away my love of Sam’s pancakes, which was one of my favorite things about Blackwell. The other day when I was on my fourth bite and fighting the urge to cry, I knew I had to leave.
Throwing my arms around Sam’s neck, I almost regretted the decision I’d made to return home, but I couldn’t take the constant remi
nders of him. Besides, Jax’s graduation was in a few months, and now I’d be able to attend. Truthfully, I was afraid they wouldn’t have room for me at home anymore, given how much of an asshole I’d been to them. If it were possible, Mom would have leaped through the phone and pulled me to her when I told her the news. Knowing Mom, I almost expected her to invent time travel for just this occasion. She’d never been known for her subtlety.
“You’re always welcome here, Sug,” Sam promised me and leaned down to kiss my forehead.
“Thank you,” I earnestly said, clinging to his neck just a few minutes longer, swallowing the tears of remorse that crept into my throat. I hated to leave Ray and him because they were there when I needed them. Even when I didn’t think I needed anyone, they were by my side. We didn’t share one damn relative, but they were my family, too, and it hurt to leave them behind.
Holding back the tears that begged for release, I waved to everyone and climbed into my car to make the trip home. Irony didn’t escape me. I’d fled to Blackwell because I wasn’t strong enough to face my life back home. Yet, here I was, eight years later, running home because if given the choice of staying and risking seeing Drex or dealing with the past, I’d pick the latter a thousand times. That was a hefty statement in itself. I preferred the dark memories of my past to bury me alive than giving Drex the ability to hurt me again, even if that’d never been his intention, which I knew it hadn’t. Previously, when I thought of Drex, I swore my heart and mind to be on opposing ends of a war. My heart longing to love and my mind preparing for battle. Along the way, one of the two caved and signed a peace treaty in agreement, or so I thought. The biggest downside to war was ultimately there could be only one victor, and often there were wounded and casualties. My heart was declared a casualty of total war.
My phone buzzed, and Lexie’s name flashed onto the caller ID. I chose to ignore the call as I had every other call she’d placed since I walked out on Drex. It was shitty, but facing her meant eventually facing Drex, and I wasn’t strong enough to do that right now. I didn’t know if I’d ever be.
Running seemed to be what I was best at, but everyone had talents, right? If it meant preventing the pain, I’d strap those running shoes on as tight as those bastards would go and give a greyhound a run for his owner’s money. I wasn’t proud of my decision. I knew it was cowardly and overboard, but I never claimed to be a good person.
30
Drex
Day...Fuck It All
My head hit the bar’s sticky surface, and I groaned. My fingers wrapped around the glass, and I scooted it to my lips. I wasn’t even sure what day it was, but what the fuck would I care. Caring meant you had feelings, something I currently had zero of.
“Buddy, I think you’ve probably had enough.” The bartender nudged my elbow, and I lifted them for him to clean under them.
“I’m just getting started, asshole,” I called him out and laughed to myself through a smirk, intentionally trying to provoke him. It’d been a hot minute since I’d fought someone, and causing someone physical pain seemed to be the exact medicine I needed.
“Drex?” My sister’s voice was filled with concern, and the door shook behind her as she walked toward me.
“Shit. The fun police has arrived.” I closed an eye and tipped my glass to the bartender, not caring if he noticed I was alive or not. After all, he only served a purpose to an end. I needed him to pour me drinks, not judge me, or even like me.
Ignoring Lex as she climbed onto the stool next to me, I tapped my glass to request another drink. At this point, I didn’t even feel like wasting the breath it would take to ask him for a refill. I would drink until I couldn’t remember her name, which was all I could think of right now, so I definitely wasn’t drunk enough. I didn’t blame her for leaving. It was inevitable. I’d told myself I wasn’t good enough for her, but somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten that. Never again. I vowed to always remember what a fuck up I was.
“Cranberry and vodka,” Lex ordered her drink and nodded when the bartender hesitated to give me another drink. She might be a pain in my ass, but at least she was getting me more alcohol.
Not acknowledging her, I tipped the full glass to my lips and swallowed the burn in one gulp, nodding my head to the song afterward.
“Look, I know you’re hurting,” she offered in a concerned voice, sipping her drink and then placing her hand onto my right forearm. Other than wincing from the pain her fingers caused, I refused to react to her.
She rolled my sleeve up to my elbow and eyed the word staring back at her.
“What does that mean, Drex?” she questioned, raising her eyebrows.
“It doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“I guess it doesn’t,” she answered, not probing any further, which was out of character for my twin. Over the years, she’d always pushed for answers. It was part of who she was. She was naturally curious or nosy, depending on how brutally I wished to describe her.
Suspicion got the better of me, and I hoped I wasn’t playing into her hand, “What is it, Lex?” I asked against my better judgment, not sure if I wanted to hear her answer or not.
“Okay, so I stopped at the diner today…” She paused, hesitantly biting her lip. “Eris is gone, Drex. She moved.” She nervously folded a napkin, expecting me to break down upon the delivery from her news, I guess.
“And?” I asked her, not giving a shit where that woman was.
“She’s not coming back.”
“Okay?” Mindlessly, I questioned her, wondering why she thought this would faze me. This was what I deserved. It was the universe’s way of repayment. Not saving Noah threw off the balance of the world. He was too young to die. I had single-handedly defied nature by letting him lose his life, and I’d pay for my sins until the day I too died. Even then, I wasn’t sure the balance would return. Something told me I’d continue to right my wrong in hell.
“I don’t care if you’re an asshole. You have been most of our lives. But, don’t you dare lie to me, you shit!” Her voice escalated, and her head flung back as she took a shot of tequila, calling me out.
“Fuck it all, Lex. You know what I mean? She left. I didn’t.” The truth seeped outward into the air around us, and I couldn’t stop the words as they flowed. “It was her choice,” I added, glaring through the empty glass in front of me and out the window to the falling rain. Each drop that fell brought me closer to the memories I so longed to forget.
Today, it wasn't the whiskey that kept me drunk. It was memories of her. Forgetting Eris was out of the question. She dominated every passing thought in my head in one form or another. Over the course of five months, I’d watched her leave me over and over. Regardless of my determination to forget her, she was the only channel my mind saw fit to broadcast into my thoughts. Almost like the other aspects of my life had been scrambled due to nonpayment or something equally as trivial, preventing me from seeing the rest of the world without static. I knew no peace or rest without my heart throbbing in protest of the emptiness she created when she walked out of my life.
The trouble with loving someone was even after they were gone and you were deemed unworthy of their love, your emotions lingered as a constant, painful reminder of your loss. No amount of alcohol could protect you from a broken heart, but that wouldn’t stop me from trying.
31
Eris
GRADUATION DAY
It felt strange to be back home. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t normalcy. After being home six months, our routine seemed to be falling into place. Other than today, of course, it being the day Jaxson would graduate college. I still hadn’t accepted my brother to be old enough to be at this point in his life. I may have walked out on them, but that didn’t stop their life from continuing without me. Mom’s hair had grayed more than the pictures she’d sent had really shown, and Jaxson was well over six foot now. His voice was deeper, and the husky little brother I knew had grown into a man. I had missed Mom and him
so much. The amount of regret I had for leaving them was something I wasn’t prepared to feel once I returned home. I’d always carried guilt for running from home, but it was something I could look past. I’d convinced myself it was a necessary sacrifice in order to move past losing Noah. Even then, I knew that was a loss that would never be forgotten, and so, I left my family behind. In my mind, to stay was the equivalent to a form of torture. If I hadn’t left, I wasn’t sure I’d be here today.
“I figured you’d wear it in rows.” I laughed, smoothing out the top of my brother’s full head of hair, remembering how happy I was when Mom and Dad told me she was pregnant. The doctors told them they’d never conceive, so they adopted me.
“I lost a bet.”
“Please tell me…” I stopped myself before I asked a question I didn’t want the answer to and shook my head, tossing his cap to him.
“I am.” He grinned, knowing the exact question I refused to finish. He was quick to bend over and moon me with his naked ass.
“Really, Jax?” I grumbled, covering my eyes with my hands out of disgust, but couldn’t stop myself from smiling, even if I tried. I was thankful Mom and Jax hadn’t held a grudge or written me off as I had them, because in spite of the years of silence I’d forced into our relationship, the love between us knew no bounds. They had forgiven me without hesitation or request, something I was confident I didn’t deserve.
“What?” Mom questioned us both, and panic flashed behind his brown eyes. Of course, I wasn’t going to tell Mom he was naked. I’d missed too much of his life already, not to mention that would be one awkward conversation for the three of us to have. I was grateful his personality hadn’t changed too much since I left. Although, him having facial hair was something I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to.
Chaos (Blackwell Bayou Series Book 1) Page 14