by Mia Hoddell
“Stripes!” I yell. “Neve!” I try again when I get no response or movement.
Please let her be okay.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Neve
“Stripes! Neve!” The yells come from somewhere behind me but I can’t turn to look without falling. Balanced precariously on the branch, it’s already bending beneath my bodyweight as I hold on to another above my head with one hand. I’ve sat as far as I dare overhanging the bank of the river. It’s not like I need to turn to know who is shouting at me though. Only one person would be stupid enough to come out here to find me … to know me well enough to track me down.
In my other hand I hold the first ever email I wrote to myself. The one I penned in this exact place all of the months ago when I decided to live instead of jump.
“Neve, please don’t do this.” His voice is closer now, his panting becoming louder from where he stands behind me. What he’s talking about doesn’t make sense. To any normal person it would just look like I was sat on a branch and watching the river go by. Blake’s never found out that I wanted to jump in and let the current carry me away.
“Stripes … please.” The torture in his voice breaks my heart. His words come out in a strangled choke, like speaking them causes him physical pain.
Slowly, I turn my head to face him. I look a mess. My hair has been windswept into tangled knots, my mascara and eyeliner have run, and I’m more than likely ghostly pale from the cold. In fact, now that I think about it I’m shivering. My hands are numb, but I will them to remain locked around my email and branch.
“Stripes, please come back towards me … we can work this out … everything’s going to be fine.”
I’ve never seen Blake so shaken. He’s looking at me with a pained expression that ages him by decades. The icy wave is spreading to my heart as I watch him, chilling me to the bone with a fear of what he’s talking about. There’s no reason for him to be here. I don’t know what he thinks I’m doing, but it’s obviously not what’s going on in reality.
Not wanting to worry him, I shove the email into the pocket on the front of my hoodie and grab the branch above me with both hands. Our eyes remain locked on each other’s as I move to stand slowly. The branch bends even more with the movements, a small crack making me grip the one above me tighter with a whimper.
I start to shuffle back towards him with baby steps.
“That’s it, Neve. You’re almost there.” He sounds like he’s trying to coax a wounded animal towards him. His voice is cautious, as if he doesn’t want to spook me.
I’m a just under a metre away from my feet touching the grass when a ripping sound shreds through the peaceful trickle of the water below me. The branch starts to give way beneath my feet and I let out a yelp. It’s splintered at the base, and hanging on for dear life like I am. The gap between the two branches widens until I’m only balanced on tiptoes. It’s like I’m standing on a spring board, the snapped branch becoming bouncy beneath me now that it’s hardly attached.
My body starts twisting and turning to try and keep my balance.
“Keep moving, Stripes. You’re almost here,” Blake urges me on, but my body refuses to obey. Either the cold has frozen my joints or I have terrified myself into becoming a statue because I remain where I am. I don’t have the guts to remove a hand or the strength to hold myself up by one arm.
“Neve, come on.” He’s more insistent this time, and I turn so that I can see him. With wild eyes that are starting to fill up with tears I shake my head. I can’t do this. It was a stupid idea in the first place. Why did I feel that washing away the emails would erase all of the shit in my life? I could have at least picked a nicer day and earlier time. Now I’m stuck hanging over a freezing river at dusk and I can’t get back.
I’m starting to hyperventilate with all of the thoughts speeding through my mind. The cloud of mist never seems to disappear from in front of my face, my breath cooling in the air.
“What are you waiting for, Neve? You’ve got this.”
I shake my head again. “I can’t,” I whisper because it’s all I can manage with my scratchy and hoarse throat.
“You can.”
“Seriously, I–I–I c–can’t.” My voice wobbles from the cold and fright.
Blake’s hands drag through his hair while he looks around the field. I don’t know what he’s expecting to find because there’s nothing around for miles. It’s one of the reasons I like this place: no one ever comes out to this secluded section and I can just be on my own. Obviously Blake figures that out, too. He stops searching and turns his wild eyes on me.
“Just shuffle along, Neve. You don’t have to take your hands from the branch. You won’t fall.”
“Blake, I can’t.”
A strangled sound comes from the back of his throat. Moving towards me, he places his feet carefully so that he’s got one in front of the other and the leading foot is balanced halfway over the edge of the bank.
“What the hell are you doing?” I exclaim when he links the arm furthest away from me around the trunk of the tree.
“Saving your ass, what does it look like?” He sounds angry but I can’t understand why. I didn’t ask him to come and get me.
Reaching out, he manages to wrap one arm around my waist. His hand rests in the centre of my stomach and his grip tightens on me, his muscles tensing. I know he’s preparing to take my weight, but he can think again if he’s expecting me to let go of this branch. There’s no way in hell that’s happening.
“Will you shuffle along now? I’ve got you, you’re not going to fall.”
I glance down at his arm, nervously weighing up my options. Neither of them are really appealing: trust Blake and move, or fall.
“I promise you, Neve, nothing will happen to you.”
With a gulp I decide to trust him. Blake’s supported me throughout everything—he’s the one person I can trust. I begin to lift one hand, sliding it along the branch, and his arm tenses around me even more as he follows my movements. He guides me back to the bank, not once losing contact with my body. Even when I have my feet safely back on the ground he doesn’t let go. Rather, he pulls me against his chest so I’m embraced by both of his arms. He buries his face in my hair, squeezing me so tightly I’m struggling to breathe.
Suddenly he lets me go and steps back, holding me at arm’s length. “What the hell were you thinking?” he shouts, making me recoil from the anger clouding his eyes once more. “Tell me, Neve! How could you even consider it?”
“I just needed to get away. I had some things to take care of … How could I consider what?”
“Killing yourself!” he roars, shaking me and losing control completely. I try to remain calm, knowing I haven’t done anything wrong. That wasn’t my intention … this time.
“Blake, I wasn’t … Why would you even think that?”
“You weren’t?” He voice is laced doubt, matching his expression, and the words are like a punch to the gut.
“No. I wasn’t. Why would you think that?”
“Why were you hanging over a river again then?”
Oh shit, he knows. I don’t know how he’s found out, but it’s undeniable. His anger is taking over him now that I’m safe. Obviously he was being cautious before, not wanting to make me jump. Back on the ground and in his arms, though, I have little chance of doing anything.
“I told you, I was taking care of something.”
“Stop fucking lying to me!”
“What do you want me to say, Blake? I wasn’t trying to kill myself!”
My screaming must get through to him as before I know it I’m back in his arms. His warmth consumes me, and I hug him back, burying myself into his coat, wrapping my hands underneath the material to warm them. We stay like this for a while; the only thing causing us to separate slightly is when drops of water start to land on my head.
Assuming it’s rain I go to move back so I can pull up my hood, but Blake holds me tighter. And tha
t’s when I realise that it’s Blake’s tears dripping on to me. A surge of guilt lodges itself at the back of my throat, feeling like I’ve swallowed a brick.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he whispers into my hair, sounding broken.
“Tell you what?” Similarly, my words are muffled by his shirt.
“About how dark things got for you. I never realised they were so bad that you didn’t want to live. If I had I would have pulled you out of there sooner.”
“How do you know?”
“You left your emails open. I was worried about you so read them.”
I nod in response. I had figured as much.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Can we talk about this at home? I’m really, really cold and it’s starting to get dark.”
Blake pulls away to study me for a second, but finally he agrees and drops his arms.
“I just need to do something first. I’ll meet you back at the car.”
He’s hesitant to leave me. I can see on his face that he doesn’t want me here on my own … his eyes are wide in fear at the thought.
“I’m not going to do anything stupid. I promise. I’ll be five minutes max.” Blake still doesn’t move from his spot in front of me. “I’m good, okay? I’m better than I have been in a while, but I have to finish what I came out here to start, and I have to do it alone.”
“Neve …” His voice is torn, just like his expression. He doesn’t trust me and this is exactly why I never told him in the first place. I don’t need to be placed in a bubble, I don’t need help, and I don’t need supervision.
“Will you wait over there then? You’ll be able to see me the whole time.” Compromising sounds like the quickest way for me to get warm. I hadn’t dressed appropriately when I left the flat, not thinking I would be out here this long.
He takes a minute to think about it, but finally gives me a subtle nod and starts to walk backwards, keeping his eyes on me as he moves to the stepping stone crossing. When I’m happy with the distance between us, I pull out the email and walk over to the riverbank. I glance at the words. The ink they’re typed in is smudged from where my tears landed earlier.
Folding it in half and half again, I tear it straight down the middle. Putting the pieces on top of each other, I shred them into even smaller pieces, slowly ripping them into hundreds of tiny fragments. When I have a handful of paper that I know will quickly disintegrate in the water, I extend my arm out over the bank and tip my hand upside down. The pieces fall from my palm like snow from a cloud. They’re swept along by the wind until they land in the water and are pulled around the bend by the current.
I watch until every one of them is out of sight. I had been expecting to feel different, but I don’t. There’s a definite sense of weight lifting off my shoulders, but I don’t feel any great sense of change. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected them to free me. Actually, I felt better in Blake’s arms than I do now.
This was a stupid idea.
As I shuffle back towards Blake I don’t even look over my shoulder. I don’t want to see this place again, it holds too many dark memories. Even though it used to be a place I escaped to when things got bad, I can’t see myself ever returning. I only came back today because it felt right that the emails be destroyed in the same place that I had the idea to create them.
“Please take me home,” I murmur, walking into Blake’s outstretched arms.
* * *
We’re both sat on Blake’s bed in silence. Beside the odd sip of our drinks nothing else fills the room. By the time we returned it was totally dark, and I was surprised to see Robbie run out of his room looking relieved when he noticed me. It was even more surprising when he wrapped me in a hug before retreating to his room.
“So why didn’t you tell me?”
For a minute I think about making him clarify the question to stall my explanation, but I change my mind in a split second. He’s going to get it out of me eventually so there really isn’t any point in dragging the conversation out. The sooner I get it out there, the sooner we can move on … hopefully. That is if he still wants to be with me after he finds out the truth.
“Stripes?” He’s stooped so my eyes meet his. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right? I’m not going to think any less of you.”
I sigh. “I didn’t want to risk losing you. I was dealing with it and I was never really serious about going through with it in the first place. I thought if you knew the truth it would push you away like everyone else and you’re the one person I can’t lose. If I lose you … if you leave me … that really would kill me.”
Crawling up from the bottom of the bed, Blake sits in front of me so our knees are touching.
“Hey, look at me,” he says, placing a finger under my chin. However, I hold strong and refuse to let him move me. Not one to be defeated, he overcomes my stubbornness by picking me up and setting me on his lap. He presses my head into his chest, resting his chin on top of me. I feel safe and cherished like this. Being in Blake’s arms is my favourite place in the world; his hugs are an addiction, one is just never enough.
“You know there is never anything you could do that would drive me away, right? I’ll always be there for you no matter what.”
I want to believe him, but that small insecure voice at the back of my mind refuses to let me. There’s always something you can do to drive someone away. No one can withstand or forgive everything.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Blake. It’s enough that you haven’t left me as it is.”
“I have no intention of breaking that promise, Neve. No matter what, even if we don’t work as a couple, you’ll always be my best friend. I doubt you can scare me off at this point really. If twenty years of whining, tantrums, and fights haven’t—that’s excluding all of the stuff you made me do to stop you throwing a hissy fit when we were kids—then I don’t think you’re going to be able to throw anything new at me.”
Despite everything, I laugh at the memories he’s referring to. When we were little I used to make him dress up in numerous outfits and parade around the house. I still can’t believe he actually did it, especially the pink tutu, but even then he showed he loved me. Blake has always done everything in his power to cheer me up.
“Why?”
“Why what?” he mumbles into my hair, placing a light kiss there.
“Why have you always stood by me and not run like the others? Why are you still here and fighting for me?”
“That’s a stupid question, Stripes.” I can almost hear the eye roll in his words.
“Can you answer it anyway?”
“You should know why by now. It’s because I love you. I love that I’m the one who makes you laugh and smile the most. That I have that power makes me feel ten feet tall, because very rarely do you let someone in. As for not running, why would I? Yeah you’ve been through some rough spots, but who hasn’t. You’re still fighting and that’s what’s important. As long as you don’t give up on yourself I’ll be there … actually, even if you do give up on yourself, I’ll still be there to make you fight. I love you, Neve.”
“I really don’t deserve you.”
“Shut up. Once again you’re talking nonsense.” I open my mouth to argue but he cuts me off. “I don’t want to hear it. The only thing I want you to use your mouth for is kissing me.”
I consider his statement, holding his gaze as my lips part at the thought of his against mine. Tilting my head to one side, my breath is laboured as his mouth slants over mine. It starts off soft, but like with all things Blake, I can’t get enough. When he parts his lip my tongue sweeps inside of him, tasting him. Without breaking the kiss, I move so I’m straddling his lap. My hands reach up and tangle in his hair, playing with the short strands at the base.
Blake’s fingers slide under my shirt, wandering over my back and causing tingling heat to spread across my skin. As they travel around to the front, skimming the bottom of my bra, it ignites a fire t
hat burns within me and I moan against his lips.
His hands slip out from my top to shift beneath me and I whimper at the loss of touch. I can feel him pressing against me through his jeans as I rock against him with his movements when, suddenly, I’m no longer sat on him. Blake leans forward, pushing me on to my back so I’m staring up at him. His strong arms are on either side of me, his legs parting mine so he can nestle between them.
When he pulls back far enough to look down at me, I’m pleased to see that he’s just as affected as me. His breaths are coming in quick succession, his hair ruffled, and his eyes hooded with desire.
“You’re gorgeous.” The words are thick and gravelly with longing, and I can’t help but giggle. I don’t know what’s so funny, but something inside of me snaps and bubbles out. Maybe it’s all of the tension that’s been lingering. My eyes screw shut, blocking out the confusion on Blake’s face when I let out the most unattractive snort.
“Trust you to ruin the moment,” Blake mumbles, his lips already back to trailing over the sweet spot on my neck that shuts me up instantly. With my hands still locked behind him, I pull him back up to me. I miss the contact … the closeness. Blake makes everything okay. He makes me forget, and he makes me feel good.
Scratch that, he makes me feel freaking amazing. Getting the hint, his mouth returns to mine with more force than before. He lets out a deep, guttural groan that sends spikes of pleasure racing through me. A hand trails down my side, skirting the hem of my shirt again. His fingers find their way under the material and this time they don’t stop. They trace the bottom of my bra before moving up to cup my breasts. His thumb brushes over my nipple and makes me gasp into his mouth while arching against him.
My hands slide down his back then up again, pulling his shirt with it as my nails graze his skin. The movements draw a growl of approval from him and I want the shirt off. I want to be able to see him, touch him. Like he can read my mind, he sits back on his haunches, tugging the shirt over his head and giving me a perfect view of his sculpted body. His muscles ripple with the movements. I hear the shirt hit the floor, but my eyes are focused on him as he prowls back on top of me, edging my shirt up over my chest to expose my body to him.