by Mia Hoddell
At 10:40 a.m., when we only have twenty minutes left of the session, a noise outside of the door catches my attention. It’s the sickly sweet laugh of my mother talking to the receptionist. She’s really laying it on thick with her pretences, pretending everything is okay. Not that I know why she’s bothering, the fact we are even in this building suggests everything but that.
Gwen, the receptionist, pokes her head around the door, and when Dr. Lars gives her a nod she opens it wide and allows my mum to enter. Just like I predicted, she’s got that over the top smile on her face and ignores me when she moves to shake Dr. Lars’ hand. “Sorry I’m so late, I couldn’t get my car to start. I would have phoned, but I really didn’t think it would take as long as it did.”
Bullshit. Mum’s car passed its M.O.T only a few days ago with flying colours—at least that’s what Blake told me since he was the one who serviced it. If it didn’t start it was because Mum wasn’t putting the key in the ignition.
“It’s no problem at all, Ms. Colvin. You can’t control these things sometimes, can you? I’m Dr. Lars, why don’t you have a seat?” To give her credit, Dr. Lars doesn’t even bat an eyelid at Mum’s obvious attempt to look flustered.
“To be honest, I’m a little confused as to why I’m here in the first place, but I thought if it mattered to Neve, then I should be. I’m glad she’s finally getting the help she needs, she’s been isolating herself for far too long.”
Oh that’s rich, she still can’t see what she’s done to me, even after I stormed from her house. She actually thinks I’m seeing a psychiatrist because I’m ‘too quiet’. Rather than watch Mum throughout the greeting, I keep my attention focused on Dr. Lars to gauge her reaction. She’s one of the few people who know my whole story, but having never met Mum I’m worried she’s going to be bowled over by her big, false personality and turn against me. When I see the small amount of disapproval on her face at Mum’s words the relief is instantaneous.
“Actually, we’re here to discuss the relationship between the two of you. Neve has been coming to see me for a few weeks now, and you play a prominent role in her talks. I thought it would help if you were present this once so you could start to work on your differences.”
Mum pales, casting me a warning glance before she snaps out of it and nods, her lips curled again. She’s probably trying to tell me to be careful what I share, and if that’s the case she’s going to be in for a shock.
“You mean you want to help Neve become more confident, right?”
It’s a good thing Dr. Lars has unwavering patience because Mum is going to try it.
“In the few weeks I’ve known Neve, not once has she come across as unconfident, but it’s not up to me to tell you what’s going on. This time is for you two to talk. Neve, why don’t you tell your mum why she’s here?” She looks at me expectantly, and Mum is for once silent, too.
“This wasn’t my idea. Dr. Lars has been helping me deal with things you don’t know about and convinced me that talking with you is the only way to move on. I agreed, as although I know I said we were done the last time we were in a room together, I wanted to give you one more chance. I want you in my life, but only if you can accept me for who I am now.”
“Neve, I think you are blowing this out of proportion. I love you and I don’t think we need to be here to discuss this.”
I hadn’t made up my mind about whether I was going to tell Mum about the emails, but the fact she’s thinking only of her reputation and what will happen if people find out she’s been with a counsellor makes me want to hurt her. Here I am trying my best to reach out to her and she can’t see the reality.
“You might not need to be here, but I do. Blake was the one who convinced me to start seeing Dr. Lars, and do you know why?” My voice stays level, emotionless. Throughout our sessions I have come to terms with what I’ve been feeling, and I can now talk about it without tearing up. When Mum doesn’t reply, I take her silence as not having an answer and continue. “Blake convinced me this was the right thing to do since it got to the point a few months ago where I considered killing myself because I couldn’t take everything you do to me.”
At least she has the decency to look shocked by my statement, but it brings me no pleasure. There is no victory to be had here, and it’s not something I want to win over.
“Don’t you have anything to say to Neve, Ms. Colvin?” Dr. Lars probes when my mum doesn’t respond. However, she remains silent, sitting on the edge of her chair with her back straight and her hands folded neatly on her lap. I’d have thought she’d have plenty to say, but she doesn’t even look remorseful.
“It was when you broke my laptop. All I could see myself doing was working a dead-end job because you smashed the one thing that was helping me work towards my future. I hated you in that moment and there was no reasoning with you. All you did was get angry and scream some more when I tried to talk to you. I couldn’t face the life you wanted for me.”
Still she doesn’t respond. In fact, she doesn’t even look like she’s listening, but deep down she’s just trying to keep a lid on her anger because she is in front of someone she doesn’t know. She can’t reveal her true colours.
“You told me you supported me, and then at every turn you threw it back in my face to blackmail me. It hurt, Mum. You told me to take the time off and work on my business, but when I did you criticised every little thing about me. You’ve called me some horrible names, but breaking my dream was the final straw.”
“So you’re telling me you’re suicidal? Do you need money for more sessions? Is that what you’re angling for?”
“I’m not suicidal, Mother. You caused me a moment of weakness where I doubted myself, but I realised there was a lot more to live for. I woke up to the fact I didn’t deserve to be treated the way you treat me.”
She’s not even paying attention. She’s turned her attention to Dr. Lars and is acting like I don’t exist. “I told her she needed to get out more. If she hadn’t cut off her friends then she wouldn’t have been so isolated. That’s what’s caused this depression, a lack of being around people. Normal people don’t have this problem.”
I want to scream at her. After all of the things I’ve said she’s still finding a way to blame me and my personality. However, Dr. Lars interrupts, pre-empting my outburst.
“There is no such thing as a normal person, Ms. Colvin. We are all individuals and we all interact differently. From what I’ve heard, it’s clear you and Neve are polar opposites. She is more introverted, whereas you are clearly extroverted. No one is definitely one or the other because it will depend on the situation, but in general you relate to one more often than not. You, for example, get your energy by being around people and talking. Neve, on the other hand, is more of an internal person. She likes smaller groups of people, but is quite happy on her own. Like with most introverts, she gets her pleasure by creating things. This doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you. The issue you’ve got to overcome is accepting the other for who they are.”
“But wouldn’t you say it’s unhealthy for her to sit around all day on her own? The longer it continues the harder it’s going to get for her to interact.”
“It’s only unhealthy if she does no exercise. What you should be asking is whether Neve is happy.”
There’s a moment of silence, and I have to get the thought off my chest while I have the chance. “I’m also not alone. I have Blake, and we hang out with Robbie. I’m emailing people on a daily basis—”
“That’s even worse. Online is just another way of saying you’re living in a fantasy world.”
“Actually, if you let Neve finish, I’m sure you’ll be proud of her,” Dr. Lars reins in my mum’s anger. It seems I’m the only one Mum will shout at and ignore because she sits there expectantly, waiting for me to say something with a furious stare.
“I’m emailing people because I’m working with two publishers who want to buy my covers. Hopefully they wi
ll both contract me as an in-house designer.”
She doesn’t react straightaway, and even though I know I shouldn’t expect anything more, my heart still sinks at her lack of response. Even when I’m a step forward, she doesn’t give me the credit I would like. I’m only asking for four words. ‘I’m proud of you,’ is it really that hard to say?
“That’s good, but is it so much to ask for you to join a club or reconnect with your friends?”
As soon as I hear the word ‘but’ I stop listening. There should be no but about what I just told her, and finally I’m able to cut that single tether that had me unable to break away. Dr. Lars was right, bringing her here today was the best thing to do because she’s shown me that it doesn’t matter what I do or what I achieve, it won’t be good enough unless I’m out socialising. It’s pointless to believe otherwise.
It sounds cold, but like I’ve said before, everyone has a limit. I’ve ignored mine with the hope she’d come round because she’s my mum. But, just like I’m inherently quiet, Mum was born the way she is and that’s never going to change—I wouldn’t ask her to. No matter how much I wish I could have a relationship with her, it’s not in the cards, and I can’t live in hope. Her words and actions have caused too much damage. I can’t repair anything by myself without compromising on who I am and I accept that. I’d rather live my life and be happy than live the one she wants me to just to keep her close. The thought’s surprisingly freeing. I’m not going to try and change her, and I’m not going to stick around to allow her to try and change me.
“I’m sorry you don’t agree with my choices, Mum, and I’m sorry I haven’t turned out to be the daughter you want, but I’m done attempting to please you. I thought today would help you realise what you’ve done to me, yet even hearing I wanted to end my life doesn’t seem to affect you. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight these constant battles and be happy. I’m choosing to be happy and that means I have to let you go. Please can you leave?”
I expect an argument, or some resistance. What I didn’t think she’d do is get up out of the chair quietly and exit the room without so much as a glance back. I don’t know if my words have finally penetrated through to her mind, but she obviously doesn’t want to fight for me and that’s fine. I’ve exhausted too much effort fighting for her love and it’s actually a relief she’s gone.
Sagging back into the chair, I exhale loudly when the door clicks shut. It’s a final sound, making me believe all of it really is happening. The door is literally shutting on this chapter of my life, and although we didn’t come to the solution I’ve wished for, I have the closure I need and that’s seems more important. Finally, I can say I did everything possible, tried every tactic, and it had no effect; she chose to walk away over accepting me.
“Are you okay?” Dr. Lars asks. A quick glance at the clock tells me we’ve gone over our allotted hour by fifteen minutes but she doesn’t move to wrap up the session.
“I will be. You were right. Those things needed to be said and I needed to witness her reaction.”
“It’s good that you see it that way. You don’t feel like it’s set you back in your progress?”
Shaking my head, I sit back up now that the initial blow has worn off. “No, I think it’s going to allow me to finally jump that last hurdle and move on completely. I’ve always known there isn’t anything wrong with me deep down, I just thought I needed her to tell me that for it to be true. Talking to you has helped me figure out that’s not the case and the people who don’t accept me aren’t worth my time—even if that’s a blunt way of looking at things.”
“Yes, but it’s true. You need to surround yourself with things and people that are like-minded and make you happy. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter how many friends you have, what matters is how many of them are true. Those are the ones you focus on and keep.”
I nod in agreement. It’s basically what I’ve been doing, but I did it out of anger, which I realise wasn’t the best way to deal with it. The anger caused me to make rash decisions and added to the darkness. Getting rid of those people was right, but I should have done it calmly. “Do you think I need another session?”
“Only you can answer that, Neve. Do you have more you want to talk about?”
Pausing, I consider whether there is anything left to say. These sessions weren’t about pulling me back from the edge; I’d got to that point on my own. Dr. Lars was an independent perspective to vent to. It helped me, and I think it helped Blake, too, as he wasn’t having to listen to me. However, for once, I don’t think I have anything to share. I feel content inside.
“Not at the moment. I’ll make an appointment if I ever need to.”
She nods once, smiling at me. “Good luck then, Neve.”
“Thanks for all of the help.” I shake the hand she offers, and then picking up my jacket I head towards the door. I’m just about to open it when a thought comes to me, making me stop and glance over my shoulder. “Do you think she’ll ever try to make contact with me?”
“That’s not something I can answer, Neve. Maybe in time she’ll come around, or maybe she won’t. Don’t let that worry you, though. If she ever does, then that’s the time to question what she wants and think about whether you want to let her in. Maybe she’ll come to realise how she’s acted is wrong, but don’t hold on to that hope. If it’s going to happen it will without you wishing for it. My advice would be to live how you want to. Be yourself and be happy.” What she says makes sense, so I nod and exit the room.
When I leave the building, Blake is leaning against his car as always. However, this time he’s got a concerned look on his face, probably unsure of how I’m going to react.
Walking over to him, I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his shirt, even though he smells of oil and other car scented things. In response he kisses the top of my head, his arms winding around my waist. “How’d it go?”
His grip loosens when I pull back to look at him, but I keep our bodies pressed together. “Like expected. Nothing’s changed between us, but I’m okay with that. I wasn’t expecting miracles, but it gave me the closure I was after.”
“I kind of figured that when I saw her come out of the building.”
“I asked her to leave. I’m done wasting time on her.”
“Are you glad you did it?”
“Yeah. I’m ready to put it all behind me now. It’s just you and me.”
He hums, the deep sound sending vibrations through my chest. “I like the sound of that.”
Stooping, he lowers his lips to mine and nips on my bottom lip in teasing. Then his mouth covers mine softly, moving gently.
“Home?” he murmurs against me and I nod my head in agreement, breaking his kiss even though his arms already feel like home.
“Thank you for always being there for me and for forcing me to do this,” I say as he shuts the door and starts the engine.
“I didn’t do anything, there’s no need to thank me.”
“It might not seem like a lot, but you were always there. You’ve been the one constant in my life and I love you.”
“I love you, too, Stripes.”
We’ve just pulled up to the flat and I’m surprised to see Blake get out of the car with me. “Hey, aren’t you supposed to be going back to work?” I ask, confused as to how he’s managed to squeeze another day off out of his boss. They may be good friends, but I can’t see it being good for business. He’s picked me up from every appointment, and stayed with me. He probably thinks I’m going to fall apart, but the truth is I’m too happy to question it any further. I trust that he knows what he’s doing.
“Let’s just say I’m going to be making up a lot of time over the spring so I intend to enjoy myself now while I can.” He knocks my legs out from underneath me and carries me through the front door. The surprise of the action causes me to let out a high-pitched squeal, my arms automatically flying to his neck when he kicks the door shut behind us. Lifting my he
ad from his chest, I see a startled Robbie jump up from the sofa. Holding up his hands, he shakes his head in despair at us.
“All right, I’m heading out. I’ll see you guys later … maybe.”
When the front door clicks shut behind him I whisper, “How are you going to enjoy yourself?”
By the hooded desire in his eyes, I know exactly what he’s planning. And when he places me on our bed and moves to lock the door behind us, there’s no missing what his intentions are.
“Well, it involves you, me, that bed, and whatever my imagination can come up with until tomorrow.” He smirks but I refuse to blush. In fact, the heat soaring through me is out of want and need. When he’s within reaching distance I grab his shirt. The shock of my actions causes him to lose his balance and fall forward so his face is directly above mine. The surprise glistens in his eyes with the hunger and I cover his face in kisses, laughing when he cups my jaw to still me.
“The best sound in the world,” he whispers against my lips.
“It’s all because of you. I love you, Blake. You make me happier than I’ve ever been.”
“I love you, too, Stripes.”
I return my lips to his, curious to see what his imagination can dream up over an entire day.
EPILOGUE
Blake
Four Months Later
“Stripes, come on! We need to leave,” I shout from the living room into the bedroom where she’s working on her latest cover design. For the last hour I’ve been pacing up and down, anxious to get going.
“Five more minutes, I’m nearly done,” she calls back and I run my hand through my hair in frustration.
“Geez, relax. Anyone would think you were nervous about something,” Robbie teases from the sofa, his eyes full of laughter. He knows exactly what’s going on and he’s been torturing me about it for the last month I’ve been planning everything.