by Brona Mills
‘A while back, your father told me that everything was inevitable, and based upon the information David has been providing me on his visits, and our experiences these last few months, I was beginning to believe him. But things have changed. Things are going to change.’
‘What’s happened these last few months? You and David are having problems, everyone knows that. But what specifically does that mean for the travels? What do you think you’re about to change?’ Liam asks.
‘Nothing,’ Ethan interrupts.
‘Everything.’ I raise an eyebrow, challenging him. ‘I thought our path was set, that we’d divorce, like we did the first time round, but David is trying. I’m willing to grab on and fight too. Now that I know everything, I’m choosing to save my marriage. I’m choosing a different path, and with David trying to get there with me, I wanted to let you guys know that I’m changing my future. To hell with the consequences.’
‘Stella,’ Ethan chides. ‘Have you ever thought that this was exactly what always happened?’
‘You don’t know that,’ I shout.
‘Except that I do.’
I stiffen in my chair. ‘Oh, you’re smart, alright. One way to keep everyone in place here is to wave some information in front of them. Tell them it’s all laid out in some mysterious letter that only you have read, that no one else can. All of a sudden, you’re going to control what people do and don’t do. You can control the decisions they make. Just throw around a few cautionary tales and tell them it’s in the damn future letter, and then force them to make life-altering decisions that you want.’
Ethan swallows. ‘I know how grief can make us behave differently—’
‘Grief? Who died?’ Liam asks.
I dart my eyes between Liam and Ethan.
‘How did you know?’ I ask Ethan.
‘The same way I know everything.’ He shuffles in his seat, uncrossing his legs.
I look him over. ‘You knew before I even knew for sure.’
‘I worked out the rough dates myself based on the information DD left behind. He explained exactly what drove him to make those dedicated years’ worth of research, and wishing and hoping for a chance to save his family. Are you really willing to screw that up because you’re scared about being alone for the next decade?’
‘He wants to try and work things out.’ The croak in my voice betrays the hardened bitch routine I’ve been perfecting.
‘Of course he does. And I’m not advising you otherwise. I’m just trying to prepare you for—’
‘The inevitable. I get it.’
‘Things this big always happen the way they were supposed to. No matter what you change or how many times you try to change them. You might have another few months together where you guys try to work things out, but I wanted to let you know that it’s still going to end the same way. Especially now,’ Ethan says.
‘What does that mean?’
‘The damage to David is already done. We can all see it. And now it’s probably going to be worse on him. Because no matter what, you can’t tell him the truth. You promised DD, and you’re in too deep now. If you two are going to try and work through this, David will see the lies. He’ll know that you’re still holding back from him, and that will be the final nail in the coffin.’
‘And back to the lab where you want him, right?’ I whisper.
‘It’s not that simple, Stella. I’m not in a position to say I know everything, because if I did, I wouldn’t be sick to my stomach with the information I have.’
‘And what information is that, Ethan?’
‘Knowing that lives hang in the balance. Say too much and someone dies. Wait too long, someone dies.’ Ethan rises to his feet. ‘I just hope I make David proud when the time comes. He trusted me with his whole life in the past, and it’s not because I’m particularly good at physics or the research and methods of time travel. Hell, he and Liam are the experts. I think David trusted me as a man and a husband and a father to hold a secret. That no one in their right mind would keep a letter for twenty-three years without becoming curious. He knew that after I read it, I’d be able to comprehend why it was so important to wait until the right time, and to keep his secrets safe, and that I’d be in the right position to pass it on when the time comes.’ Ethan lays a sheet of paper in front of me. It’s a spider diagram labelled with different years shooting off the central circle. As I grab it up to read, Ethan spares me the need. ‘David was never meant to be your husband.’
I hold my breath and scan the diagram to see where it says that.
‘One of the times he travelled, he wound up in an alternative future where he was never your husband, and you and Max—’
‘We’re dead. I know.’
‘That’s not what’s important. What’s important was in that reality, where the time travel never happened, where there were no outside influences or changes to the universe as we know it, where Audrey never appeared to Mike, and David’s research was never taken down that path—he never even met you.’
My heart falls into the pit of my stomach. ‘I understand what you’re saying. David never should have married me, so I should let him go.’
‘I’m telling you the opposite, Stella.’
I snap my head up.
‘For whatever reason, the universe decided to create a paradox and allow time to change. David chose to leave that reality and save your life over and over and over. He loves you, and his love for you and Max was the thing that drove him to figure out time travel, for crying out loud. He sacrifices everything for you. And you will only have the relationship you had in the past, if he has his heart broken now, so in the future he will try his hardest to change things. You two might have the chance of a relationship later, but if you don’t let him go now, he won’t have as much need to strive in his field. And if he never travels, the universe won’t have its paradox to offer you. We’ll be stuck with an alternative past, where you two never meet.’
I open my mouth and snap it shut again. ‘So I have to let him go. And fight with him. And break his heart and get mine broken in the process, just to keep the past the way it was.’
‘And to keep Max alive.’ Ethan reminds me.
‘I understand.’ My head feels heavy as I try to turn away from them. ‘Max’s life isn’t something I’m willing to risk.’ I can’t be the one to end this relationship. I can’t throw David out. It will kill him and ruin any kind of relationship we can salvage for Max. I’ll need to wait and let it play out the way it always does. David’s going to leave me eventually. I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t fix us, and I can’t even tell him why.
One year later
2002
I hang up the phone and scribble notes on a pad while punching the intercom to the attic. ‘Guys, I need to speak to both of you down here.’
It takes David and Mike ten minutes before I hear them descend the stairs and appear at my office door. Mike offers his apologies for the delay while David loiters in the threshold.
I nod and dismiss his need to justify their tardiness. ‘We have a great offer on a half season TV show.’
‘I’ve never done TV before.’
‘Not you,’ I tell Mike and slide the notes over the desk. ‘David.’
David meets my eye and waits for me to explain.
‘A documentary is being cancelled and they need six episodes to fill the slot. Your name got passed to them through the physics department, and they found footage of you being interviewed at an event with Mike. They sound excited.’ Smart and hot. I smile.
‘I guess this is it then.’ David crosses the room and picks up my page of notes.
‘What do you mean?’ I ask.
David shrugs. ‘Audrey mentioned something about me having my own TV show.’
‘Reality TV station, or something, she said,’ Mike interrupts.
‘Huh. I need to look into that.’
‘He needs to be involved with production, if he’s going to take things furth
er than presenting,’ Mike says.
‘Don’t you think I know that?’ I snap.
‘Jeez, relax.’ Mike blows out.
David holds the paper up to me. ‘Is this all they’re offering for six episodes? I know it’s a slot filler, but that’s a low opening negotiation.’
‘That’s per episode, honey.’ I mock. ‘Want me to get a calculator for you to times that by six?’ I smile despite my heart being heavy, knowing that I don’t get to be proud of what he’s achieved and celebrate with him like I ought to.
‘Okay then. Get things started and we can talk over the next couple of days.’
‘Wait, you want me to make the deal for you? Don’t you want your own agent? This is going to be some sort of conflict or something.’ I chew over my words.
David tightens his jaw. ‘Despite everything, I trust you with this.’ He holds up the paper to me. ‘And I’d rather pay you ten percent than some stranger.’
‘You don’t have to give me your pity business, David,’ I snap.
‘This is your job, Stella. And you’re good at it. So do your job and let me get back to my work.’ He tilts his head towards the attic. ‘Other agents and managers aren’t going to understand why my work is important. But you can deal with all the bullshit and let me get on with things.’
‘Fine.’ My tone is flat and resolved to being David’s agent for what is probably going to be a long and successful career, especially if Audrey mentioned it.
David slams the paper on the desk. ‘I’m trying to get past this, but you won’t help me, Stella. You keep shutting me down. You won’t even give me a proper explanation for why you did it.’
Mike stands up and places a hand on David’s chest. ‘You need to calm down, man.’
‘I told you. I did it ’cause I realised I couldn’t have another child. I can’t be dependent on a man to get me through this again. I’m finally in a place that I can afford to look after Max and give him everything he needs. I didn’t want to be stuck in a relationship ’cause I was scared about what would happen financially.’
‘Stuck? You felt like you’d be stuck with me?’
Mike walks out the door, but I see him waiting at the other side of the wall. I’m not sure if he’s there to calm David down when we’re done arguing for the hundredth time or to comfort him. ‘That’s not what I meant.’ I drop my gaze to the table.
‘Well, you obviously meant it enough to kill our baby for it.’
‘That’s not what happened.’
‘No? Then what would you call it? Saving yourself? From me? Would it really have been so bad to spend the rest of our lives together?’
‘What if it wasn’t forever? Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you look at other women now. More and more, you’re wondering if you should have been with someone else instead.’
‘Of course I have. When your wife betrays you like this, of course you’re going to wonder where in the hell you fucked your life up. I’ve wondered what my life would have been like if Audrey never showed up and put those changes in Mike.’
‘When Audrey told you guys to move here and find me? That’s where things got fucked up? When she told you to marry me?’
‘She didn’t tell me to marry you, Stella. I wanted that.’
‘But she planted the idea, didn’t she?’
‘No, the idea was already there. I just didn’t think you would have ever said yes. Maybe you’re the one she pushed into this marriage. You’re certainly the one who’s destroying it.’
‘That’s not my intention.’
‘You know what the strangest part is? I never had to think about whether my feelings for you were real or not. When I fell in love with you, it was the most confident thing I’ve ever felt. There was no bullshit with us. We just went for it. So if you had gotten over whatever you think was going on with Jessica, then you would have seen it didn’t matter how many old girlfriends or crushes showed up. I was yours. I never wanted to look back and think about what could have been in my life, because I had it all, right in front of me.’
‘Well, now you can get on with your life’s work, figure out the damn time travel thing, and go off and make sure you never met me, and finally get your happy ever after.’
‘It wouldn’t be worth it.’
‘What?’
‘Giving up on you and Max. Not even the perfect happy little life would be worth missing out on the short time we had together. We were good Stella. And I don’t want to give up those times, even when we were just friends, or when Nathan came back, you needed us here.
‘It’s time I moved out. We’ve tried for so long, but we can’t live like this. I’m not going far. I still want to be part of your life. We were friends before. I’d like to think you were the best friend I’ve ever had, and I want to keep being a dad to Max. But you broke me. I’ve tried, I really have. But this last year’s been the hardest time of my life. If I stay, things will get to the stage where neither of us will want to salvage any kind of friendship, and it scares me to think I might not have you in my life in the future, even in the smallest form.’ He runs his hand around the back of my neck and places a soft kiss on my forehead.
‘You’ve been thinking about this for a while?’
‘It’s not a decision I’d make quickly,’ he tells me. ‘Maybe one day, this is the thing I’ll be able to fix.’
I stay seated in my chair and do something I never thought I’d be able to do. I let him go.
Four years later
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Mike and I have fallen into a support system of sorts, except he doesn’t realise I’m going through the same torture as him, where we wait for the months to tick by and clock up to years. Hoping and praying that the next ten years will pass and when both Audrey and David travel, they’ll return safely. That finally I’ll have David back with all the knowledge of what he’s done for me over the years. We’ll finally be able to put things behind us and get on with our lives.
Maybe even our marriage.
Each birthday that comes for Mike, he gets Audrey back for a day, and I envy each and every hour they have together, so much so, I make sure Michael is scheduled off work and left alone with her and I wallow with the reminder that I don’t get those stolen days with David or DD. David kept his word and was present in Max’s life for birthday parties, and parent teacher conferences, and every weekend, and dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He’s here for us, but he’s far away.
How did the three of us become Hollywood’s trio, household names, and wish away the years? David loves the new aspect his TV career has brought. For each event, he takes a new date, and girls are always photographed leaving his apartment. He hasn’t introduced any of the women to Max, which I’m thankful for ’cause the divorce means he can sleep with whomever he wants, whether I’m still in love with him or not.
Max and I wait at the kitchen table for David to join us for lunch.
‘How did Mike’s Oprah appearance go?’ Mom asks, moving around the counter tops making herself a luncheon plate.
‘I’m not sure. I haven’t spoken to him yet.’
‘Didn’t they film yesterday?’
‘Hmm.’
‘And what, Stella? It’s not like you not to follow things through.’
‘I was with him for the recording. It went well. I haven’t had time to speak to him about it.’
‘Ah, the old Mike-never-works-on-his-birthday rule. That’s kind of getting lame. Was he still giving you hell for scheduling Oprah?’
‘Well, I did tell him, you don’t say no to Oprah, and it was only three hours of his day. He got back to the important things right after.’
‘What was he doing that was so important you couldn’t debrief him about Oprah?’
I sigh. ‘Something that was important to him. He’s coming around later today. If you want to sit in and talk about the recording you can.’
She smiles. ‘No thanks, honey.’ She kisses me on top of the head.
‘I have a decorating appointment to get to.’ I’m glad I started involving her more in the business. One day a week admin work for me and interior decorating contracts fill up her days. Even David has hired her to help with a few assistant things he’s needed.
The front door slams closed and footsteps echo through the foyer.
‘Hello,’ David calls out.
‘Kitchen,’ I shout.
David drops his keys on the granite and takes off his jacket. ‘Hello, ladies.’
Pamela kisses him on the cheek on her way out. Traitor.
‘What has you in such a good mood?’ I eye the clothes he was wearing yesterday and falter. ‘Wait, don’t answer that.’
His smile wavers as he tries to hold it in place. ‘Audrey is what has me happy. Or has Mike happy. So I’m vicariously happy.’
‘I can’t believe you’re going to live across the road from us, Dad,’ Max says. ‘It’s almost as good as when we used to live in the apartment with Gran and Uncle Mike.’
‘Don’t you like living in our house now?’ I ask Max.
‘Sure, bud. I used to live in this house too, remember?’ David sits between Max and me at the table. ‘We still have some memories here.’
‘Yeah, but this is where the fighting was.’ Max looks down at his plate, and I swallow hard.
I glance at David, and he nudges Max on the arm. ‘Hey, you want to know the best thing about living in the house opposite you guys?’
Max shrugs.
David pulls out walkie-talkies from the kitchen drawer. ‘I dropped these around yesterday, so when I go home tonight, we can test them and see what kind of range we’re going to get.’
‘Cool! Mom, look, we can talk to Dad every night.’ He jumps into my arm at the table. ‘You don’t have to be sad when you’re alone anymore.’
David stiffens at the table but doesn’t look at me.
‘That’s awesome. Why don’t you run upstairs to your room and see if you can talk to us down here.’
‘Okay, on it.’ He speaks into the walkie-talkie.
‘What are you going to do with your things in the attic? You finally have a place big enough for everything.’ I hand him the salad bowl and cut into the lasagne.