The Cheat Sheet: A Romantic Comedy

by Sarah Adams

  I look around the interior and feel a tug of sadness that Nathan’s not in here. I haven’t seen him all weekend minus that brief moment when he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. No big deal.

  Lily must see my expression. “He’s already at the chapel. He wanted everything to feel as much like a real wedding day for you as he could. You’re not going to believe the things he pulled together in this short time.”

  I can believe it, because that’s just Nathan. Now, with clear eyes, I can see that there’s no length he wouldn’t cross for me—it’s how it’s always been with him.

  Which reminds me how deeply unromantic I am. “Oh no!” I pat my sides like pockets might suddenly appear. “His ring!”

  Turns out, in Vegas, there are hundreds of places to buy a wedding ring at the drop of a hat. We bought Nathan’s on our way back to the hotel. (Well, technically Nathan bought it since he made me use his credit card. I accepted his money, because, remember? Two dollars and a piece of gum.)

  Lily smiles and digs in her purse for the ring box, holding it up triumphantly. “Yep, I got it. Just so you know, your head would fall off if it wasn’t attached.”

  “Awww, you make me feel so good on my wedding day.”

  “And then you’d use that head as a ball and get distracted with a bunch of kids in a field, starting up a new afterschool program where they use your head as the soccer ball.”

  I grimace. “Morbid. Just really dark humor.”

  She shrugs like, It is what it is. Just some casual wedding day cheer.

  After a few minutes of my leg bouncing and my fingers tapping my knee, Lily slides over to take the seat closer to me. She puts her hand on my knee. “You know, I just realized, with Mom not here, I have a very important job.”

  “And what’s that?”

  Her smile goes wicked. “Explaining the wedding night bliss to you.”

  “Oh my gosh. Don’t you da—”

  “So honey, you might have noticed some interesting sensations when you and Nathan have kissed before. Don’t feel frightened—”

  I talk right over her, trying to cup my hand over her mouth. “This is not my first time, Lily. I know what I’m doing! Ew, stop saying that word—”

  “…and that’s what happens when everything is done.” She shimmies her shoulders, undeterred by my aggressive paw swiping at her mouth. “Now, a few fun tricks I’ve learned, and you can text me a thank-you later.”

  I’m laughing so hard I can barely hear her. I cover my ears to muffle the sound of her voice and drop my head between my knees. “I don’t want to hear about your weird sex with Doug! La-la-la. OH MY YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT WORD TO YOUR BABY SISTER.”

  She torments me with her sexual tips the rest of the drive, and this will surely go down in history as one of my favorite days.

  Did I say one of my favorite days? I mean my ABSOLUTE favorite day of my entire existence.

  We pull up to the chapel and I’m whisked out by an entourage of people I’ve never met before. A woman carrying a clipboard drags me quickly inside the small white Vegas chapel, and I’m surprised that on the inside it doesn’t smell like liquor and strippers. I barely have time to register anything as she tugs me into a little room off to the side of the main double doors. Lily holds my hand the whole way.

  The woman whips around, out of breath, clutching her clipboard like it holds the codes to Area 51. “Hi. Hello. Happy wedding day! I’m here to assist you into your dress.”

  “My dress?” I look down. Am I naked? “Oh, I’m already wearing one. See?” I gesture to the fabric in case she’s skeptical.

  She laughs. “No, your wedding dress.”

  “I didn’t…” My tongue stops moving when I see she’s stepped aside to reveal a whole garment rack full of sparkly, lacy, white, and even some champagne and light pink gowns. There are at least twenty hanging there.

  My words tumble out. “Are these…do these come with the chapel? Is this like a dress-up corner?”

  She laughs. “No. I believe they are a gift from your husband-to-be.”

  I clutch my chest and look back at Lily. She’s trying her best to keep her crap together, but it’s no use. Tears are streaming, and she looks like she already knew all of this was going to happen. I step forward and find a little envelope attached to the garment rack. Inside is a note from none other than Dylan.

  Hello, Dimples. Once again, your man came through for you. I hand-selected all of these for you a week ago, and I made sure to only pick what I think you’d absolutely adore (even though I reallllyyy wanted to get you the Cinderella-fell-into-an-orange-creamsicle gown). Love you boo. You’ve got yourself a good man. Hugs and kisses from your second favorite man in the world,

  Dylan.

  A week ago? That can’t be right. That would mean…

  “What are you waiting for?!” Lily says, muscling me out of the way so she can start sorting. “We’ve got a wedding to get to!”

  Twenty minutes later, I’m clad in a dress that should be illegal it’s so beautiful. The long sleeves are made of delicate, fragile lace that extends into a stiff-lace bodice. It has exactly 31 pearl buttons down the back. It poofs at the waist and then cascades into a multi-tiered, luxurious, tulle skirt with an understated train in the back. My skin shows through the lace sleeves, the bodice tapers into a deep V at the neckline, and when I walk, it swishes. I am a princess, a ballerina, and a powerhouse badass woman all swaddled in one intricate package. I have never felt more lovely or cherished than I do walking into this chapel.

  And then, I have to amend that thought when I realize NOW I have never felt more cherished. My breath catches at the threshold. It’s not at all what I thought it would be. Where’s Elvis? Where’s the smell of gin and bad decisions? No, I’m hallucinating.

  This chapel was purchased in heaven and overnighted to Earth. Vaulted ceilings sweep over my head up into the clouds. An enormous crystal chandelier glitters in the middle of the intimate space. White wooden planks make up the ceiling, and gorgeous beams reinforce them. Dark oak floors allow my heels to click-clack over the surface, and the swish of my skirt sounds like kisses from the ocean. Enormous green and pink flower bouquets fill the room.

  But that’s not what has me contemplating my consciousness. This chapel is full of people. My people. Nathan’s people. My family, friends, and even his mom. This is no elopement. This is my wedding—a wedding Nathan has clearly been planning since before yesterday.

  My dad—my dad who supposedly was going to watch the ceremony from his cell phone—is approaching me via the center aisle. His eyes glitter with unshed tears, and he looks dapper in his suit. He holds out his arm. “Hello, sweet girl. Are you ready to get married tonight?”

  Well, now I’m sobbing. Too bad Lily worked so hard on my makeup since I’m going to ruin it in two seconds. Dylan would be horrified. Wait! Speaking of Dylan, there he is! Third row back making a heart shape with his hands and blowing me imaginary bubble kisses through it. I look back at Lily with question marks in my eyes. She’s smiling and nodding. She knew the whole time.

  Then my dad starts walking me down the aisle and I see him. Nathan. My Nathan, my best friend and the love of my life, standing in his black tux, fantastic hair waving artfully away from his face, a tear running down his cheek, and a dazzling smile stretching across his mouth. He is mine. He loves me. He loves me enough to plan an entire surprise wedding of my dreams. How did I get this lucky?

  I float all the way to the altar.

  My dad hands me off to Nathan, and now I’m in a dream. Jamal is standing behind Nathan, and Lily is behind me. The rest of the guys are all lined up in the front row, each tossing me a thumbs-up. My mom does the same thing from the other side. Nathan’s mom settles for a subdued smile and wave.

  Nathan takes my hand, and tingles swirl through me. I look up into his jet black eyes and drown in lavish, luxurious, ardent love.

  “Still with me?” he asks with a soft, unsure grin.


  I swallow and try to speak through my tears. “You did all of this for me?”

  “I’d do anything for you. Do you like it?”

  I take a moment to look around again. All the smiling faces. There is no oxygen left in this room, everyone running on emotional fumes. We’re all sobbing messes, and I can’t see straight from joy. I squeeze his hand and meet his gaze again. “I love it. I love you. How long have you been planning this?”

  “Since I warned you I was going to propose. I hired a wedding planner the next day. Are you sure you like it? Because if not, we can call it all off right now.”

  I search for the best words to adequately express how I feel and come up severely lacking. “Nathan—I…you…and all of this!” I shake my head. “Thank you. I love it all so much.” As I take in Nathan’s eyes, his clean-shaven jaw, his wide shoulders, the sleek black tie knotted at the base of his throat, and his strong hands holding mine so tenderly, a feeling of impatience sweeps over me. “So what now?”

  His smile stretches, he nods toward the officiant standing off to the side, and then he looks back at me. “If you’re up for it, we get married.”

  I let out a short laugh through my tears. “Yes, please.”

  My hand is wrapped in Nathan’s as we walk silently down the carpeted hotel hallway. We’re on the 28th floor, headed to what I have no doubt is the best suite in the whole building. We stop outside the door and Nathan kisses my knuckles. Neither of us can believe this is real. He keeps touching me, kissing me, sliding his hand over my skin at every turn—and I think it’s because he’s trying to convince himself this is real in the same way I am. We’re in a fairy tale. We’re puppet shadows on the wall.

  He slides the keycard into the lock, and the light flashes green. His forearm hits the back of my knees as he scoops me up into his arms to carry me over the threshold. My heart is in my throat, and we’re both laughing at the cheesy love that’s been echoing back and forth between us all night. I’ve been calling him husband. He’s been calling me wife. Everyone has cringed. But not us—not tonight.

  Nathan carries me inside, and it’s dark. With me still draped in his arms, he reaches for the light switch, but I stop him. The moonlight is spilling in, steeping the room in romance and soothing my nerves.

  I swallow, and Nathan looks sharply down at me. His eyes are black, velvet blankets. His gaze wraps me up tight. “Don’t be nervous,” he says, plucking my thoughts right out of my head.

  “I am though. I’ve wanted it for too long, and you might be disappointed. I might not be enough.”

  His smile is only a hint. A whisper on his mouth. He leans down and nuzzles his face against my neck, five o’clock shadow a murmur of delight. “You will always be enough.”

  A trembling sigh falls out of my mouth, and I’m carried to the bed in his strong arms. He stops short and lets me slide down gently until my feet hit the floor. I look up and my breath is strangled. He is perfect. Moonlight casts over his strong jaw and sharp cheekbones, sketching out a profile that should be captured by da Vinci. I rise up onto my toes and kiss his full lips. He responds with patience. It’s so soft and tender. My hip is grasped. I slide my hands under the lapels of his tux and up, up, up his strong chest until they clasp in the soft hair at the nape of his neck.

  I’m pulled in tight, pressed into him and grasped as if he’s planning to never release me. I’ll live in his embrace from now on. Our mouths explore. His hand splays out firmly at my back, and the other comes up to my neck. Our lips dance: soft, firm, back and forth.

  My senses tip like a canoe going over a waterfall as Nathan’s mouth trails down my neck to my collarbone. His tongue lightly tastes my skin, and he groans in pleasure. This is it. Mine, mine, mine, my heart says now. I push his tux jacket off of his shoulders and feel the taut muscle beneath his shirt. I’m shaking. My stomach is tight. I need him. He helps me with the buttons, and then it’s tossed aside.

  I hover my hands in front of his body, and he grins. I try to breathe, but someone has sat on my lungs. He chuckles, and impatience finally overtakes him. He grabs my hands and presses them firmly on his chest. Skin. Warm. Firm. Still grasping my wrists, he tugs me with him toward the bed. He sits, letting me stand. Those big hands go to rest behind him on the bed, propping him up.

  “You lead,” he says softly, handing me all the power.

  I wish more than anything I didn’t feel timid right now. I wish I could show him how sexy I can be. Powerful. Not this trembling girl standing here in her fancy gown. But when my eyes glide up and meet his eyes, I see only tender adoration. He wants me as I am—always and forever.

  As I step forward between his legs, the fabric of my skirt brushes against his pants. It’s jet black against pure white. A moon in the night sky. A white page speckled with ink. Starkly different, but together, a perfect complement.

  I run my finger across his collarbone. Down his arm. Over his fingers. They flex, and I repeat on the opposite side. His entire body responds. Those muscles bunch and I paint my fingers down his abs. They are…glorious. There’s a faint bruise forming on the side of his bicep from when he got tackled in the game. I bend down and press my lips to it. Heat swirls in my stomach. Fire crackles in my heart. Nathan takes my hips and pulls me onto his lap.

  We stare into each other’s eyes, and silence stretches in the most comfortable, soft cocoon. He pushes a wisp of my hair behind my ear, and I shiver.

  “I’ve loved you for so long,” he says quietly, as if to himself. “You’re really here right now?”

  I lean in and lay warm kisses up his neck to his jaw. He holds me like I’m spun glass. I will break if he squeezes too tight. “We’re both dreaming,” I say against his velvet skin.

  “Thought so.”

  He turns his face and catches my mouth. This time, it’s not such a quiet kiss. His lips are ardent. His tongue exploring. His heart is a hammer. It’s going to break through his chest and attack me.

  Those hands grip my waist again, and he easily lifts me off his lap. I stand beside the bed, and he spins me away from him. I feel his fingers at my back, working the tiny buttons. I imagine what they look like between his big fingers and thumbs. Like a giant reaching into the sky and rearranging stars.

  With every button that pops open, Nathan trades it for a kiss against every newly freed inch of skin. Romance curls around us. It winds through my bones like a taut string and connects to his touch. He kisses me like I’m hallowed. I hear his breath tremble, and I know he’s feeling the weightiness of this moment too. This pressure building, this intensity we’ve been carrying since that day on the high school track all those years ago. It’s all been building to this. Us.

  Pop, pop, pop. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

  “I will cherish you until my last breath,” he whispers against my bare shoulder, and the sound of my dress falling is like wind through luscious green trees.

  His arms slide around my waist, and he pulls me back against his chest. Skin to skin. Holy and sacred. I tip my head back, and he kisses my throat.

  “My beautiful, lovely, wife.”

  We spend hours in our own world. Our love story tangible. Our hopes bared. Our souls light. Our fears set aside for this brief moment in time where nothing can touch us. In this place—in those arms—I am safe and free. I open my arms and dance in the rain. I twirl in the current. I lie back in the meadow as dark eyes sparkle above me.

  The next morning, while Nathan and I are still snuggling under a giant fluffy comforter and completely unwilling to leave the bed, he strokes his hand across my hair and mumbles, “Bree. I have a confession.”

  I’m still in happy la-la land, so he could tell me he’s an ax murderer and I’d still probably just hum. That’s nice, honey.

  He chuckles and twists me around so I’m facing him. “I’m serious. I think I might have accidentally tricked you into marrying me. I forgot to tell you something really important before we said ‘I do.’”

  Fine. Just ruin my happy
vibes, why don’t you?

  “Okay, just say it!”

  He shuts his eyes and inhales. “It’s more like something I have to show you.”

  I give him a sultry look. “Nathan. I’ve already seen everything.”

  He grunts a laugh and rolls his eyes before reaching toward the bedside table to retrieve his wallet. He sits up to rest his back against the headboard and starts tugging me by my armpits to sit up too.

  “Okay, okay, I’m coming! Sheesh.”

  The man is serious about whatever this is. From his wallet, Nathan pulls out a folded sheet of paper and hands it to me. He nods for me to take it. This is feeling like the Shoebox of Potential Horror all over again.

  I unfold it and find an itemized list of sorts with lots of scribbles in the margins. Some items, like food fight, have an X beside them, and others, such as foot rub, have a check mark. Nathan looks prepared for me to throw my wedding ring in his face.

  “What am I looking at?” I ask, not feeling nearly as murderous as he seems to suspect I should.

  “It’s…a romance cheat sheet. The guys helped me make it when we first agreed to fake date. It was to help me get out of the friend zone.”

  I shift my eyes from his pained look back to the paper and read it with enlightened realization. While reading the list, so many memories stick out to me. Dancing in my office. The Starburst log. The stopped elevator.

  “Bree, I’m so sorry! I fully meant to show you this when you first came into the chapel last night, but after I saw you, it completely slipped my mind.” He’s babbling and running his hands through his hair. “Are you upset? Do you feel betrayed?”

  I stare at him slack-jawed. Mainly because his bicep is really spectacular when he runs his hand through his hair.