by MF Isaacs
Steve brought his luggage to my room along with bagels from the coffee shop in the lobby. We hung out just like old times, neither of us talked at all about the McMann siblings. I think despite being over protective, he was afraid to know what was going on. I know he could tell something was off with me and I could feel his internal struggle given the guilt he carries around because of Sophia and Cody. I know he struggles with guilt and he knows I struggle with expressing my feelings. It’s kind of just been accepted in the last six months that I express my emotions in the form of tears. I used to be able to hold that shit in but ever since Grandpa died, I feel like I cry all the fucking time. At first, Steve and Curtis would panic but now they are used to it. Now they hug me and ask me if I have eaten. Today is no different, Steve held me close and then ordered me to eat.
We ate in silence. There wasn’t anything I could say that wouldn’t make him freak out. For the first time since before Grandpa died, I felt alone. When I struggled to take care of him by myself, I knew my brothers would have dropped everything to come help me, but Grandpa had been adamant that they had to go to college. I didn’t want Grandpa to be mad at them for leaving school, so I struggled in silence. This was different but the same. If I talk about it, it would surely cause waves between Steve and Cal; which would carry over into waves between Steve and Hannah, maybe even me and Hannah. This isn’t something that everyone needs to be involved in, which means I need to just keep it to myself. We’ll be on the road shortly and I won’t have to see Cal if I don’t want to.
Speaking of Cal and Hannah, they returned to find us on the couch; Steve watching football while I slept with my head on his shoulder. Hannah quickly packed her bags while Steve let me know it was time to go. Cal checked us out while Steve helped Hannah and I load the bags into the back of the Expedition. I automatically climbed in the back seat despite Steve trying to get me to take the front. Ultimately, he gave up arguing because I was already half asleep in the back seat.
We pulled into the stadium parking lot right as Curtis returned from spending time with his new friends. We all watched like creepers as he said goodbye to Callie and Will. He openly showed affection to them both before they left then he quickly said goodbye to Calvin as he climbed into the motor-home. Steve shook Calvin’s hand before following Curtis. While Hannah was hugging her brother, I tried to squeeze by them, but Cal snagged my hand before I could get by. Hannah flashed me a smile as she told Calvin she would talk to him soon.
My heart was in my throat. I hadn’t even been this nervous the night before. I stripped down to practically nothing and didn’t feel an ounce of what I am feeling right now. I couldn’t even look him in the eye, at least until he took hold of my chin and made me.
“Baby, I have no clue what happened last night that made you leave my bed. If there wasn’t five people in the motor-home right now waiting to get on the road, I would keep you here until you explained what you are thinking. If I hadn’t already taken three days off work I would force you into my car and drive you myself so you would have nowhere to run until you told me what happened. I am going to give you a little space to figure it out, but let me be very clear with you Sierra, I told you before we went there last night that if we did it you would be mine. You agreed. Look at me Baby,” I had been watching his mouth, so I lifted my gaze to meet his eyes, “I am not saying this to scare you, I am saying this because it is the truth, you are mine. I don’t want to give you more than you are ready for, but Baby you have to know I love you.”
Right then Alfred started the motor-home which couldn’t have been better timing as far as I was concerned. Just like that, Cal leaned in and kissed my head before physically turning my body toward the door. He gave my ass two smacks before I took the hint and climbed into the motor-home. By the time I climbed in, Curtis was already passed out and it looked like Steve and Hannah weren’t far behind him.
I slept for about two hours before my phone wouldn’t stop buzzing.
Cal: I just made it home.
Cal: Are you ready to talk about it?
Cal: If you need more time, just tell me. It’s okay if you do, I just want to know what is going on.
Cal: Baby I realize I shouldn’t have just blurted out that I love you two seconds before you were leaving. I am sorry I dumped that on you like that.
Cal: I have never told anyone other than my family that I love them. I am sorry I didn’t make it more special for you.
Cal: Not just telling you, but last night too. I should have made your first time more special. I hope you know how honored I am that you gave me that gift.
Cal: Baby, are you there?
Me: Yeah, I am here. Just feeling a little lost. Not sure what to say.
Cal: I am so sorry Baby. Please talk to me.
Me: Hindsight is 20/20. I guess we should have talked about our expectations last night before we went there.
Cal: Are you regretting it? I am sorry.
Me: I don’t regret it. I just wish it ended differently.
Cal: What do you mean? There is no way you faked those orgasms.
Me: I am not talking about that Cal. I wish when we were done it would have been more than a kiss on the top of my head, like my brothers give me, before you started snoring. I wish you had given me more than a couple of grunts, I wish you would have told me one way or the other if it was good for you. I wish at the end of the night I didn’t have doubts.
Cal: I don’t know what to say. My heart hurts knowing that you walked away last night with doubts about how amazing you are. I have never in my life experienced something even remotely close to what happened last night. I swear Baby, you made me lose all sense of reality. When you held my ass still for you to take your pleasure, it was the single hottest fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. I had to keep my mouth shut otherwise I would have cum before you. I swear I saw stars when I finally found my release. Please don’t doubt us. Please don’t doubt me and my feelings. Baby, you are it for me.
Cal: Baby, I won’t kiss the top of your head anymore. My dad does it to my mom & she is always smiling when he does it, so I thought you would like it too. Please give me a chance to find another way to show you my affection.
Cal: Will you please come home with Hannah for Thanksgiving? Steve and Curtis too. I don’t want the three of you to be alone for Thanksgiving.
Me: I will talk to my brothers. Your sister is waking up so I gotta go. I’ll let you know when we make it back to our room.
Cal: I love you Sierra.
I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that my actions made her doubt us. I couldn’t go back and change what happened, I couldn’t undo what had already been done. I had to be able to fix it, I couldn’t let her walk away because I was a jackass and fell asleep. I couldn’t help but think about all the women who came before her, I never once had a problem verbalizing what I wanted them to do to get me off. I also didn’t have a problem getting my ass out of the bed before they wanted to snuggle. How can I tell Sierra it means something that I kept my mouth shut and didn’t boss her around all while she gave me the greatest pleasure I have ever felt? Or how do I tell her I have never fallen asleep with someone, and she should view it as a compliment not an insult that I passed out as soon as we finished. Damn, I didn’t even drink a drop of alcohol and I passed out like a drunk. Now that we had crossed over into the undo-able category, would telling her all that make it worse? How the fuck am I supposed to figure this shit out?
My dad has always sworn he was a virgin when he married my mom, I have always figured he was full of shit and just said that to try and persuade us kids to wait. He knows I didn’t wait, he probably even knows the exact day I lost my virginity because I had gone to him asking for condoms. I may not have followed his advice on waiting, but I certainly wasn’t going to be an idiot about it. At this point I had no choice but to talk to him about my fuck up. “Hey Dad, how do I explain that she should feel good about me being an idiot.” Yeah, I was looking forward
to that conversation….not!
I avoided him as long as I could on Monday, but he finally cornered me as I said goodbye to a young expecting couple that had just bought their first family car. He didn’t hold back his thoughts when he told me, “That could be you soon. Happily married with a baby on the way.” He paused until I made eye contact with him, then continued to tell me “I talked to your sister this morning, she said that you and Sierra got pretty close this weekend. She also said that Sierra has been pretty quiet since they drove away yesterday.”
With just those words my dad gave me the freedom and acceptance to ask him for help. “Can we go for a beer after work? I don’t really want to air it all out while standing here. But I do want to talk to you about it.”
With a firm grip on my shoulder he spoke, “I’ll let Mom know that we won’t be home for dinner. Let’s go to that new sports grill on 72nd. I’ve got less than an hour left of work to do and I’ll be ready to go.” And just like that I knew he would be able to help me figure out what the fuck I was going to do.
“I’d say you fucked up alright, but just to be sure I got this right. You finally find one you actually have real feelings for and you are struck so dumb you don’t speak a word the whole time she is giving you the greatest gift, other than children, a woman can give a man. Then to add insult to injury, you pass the fuck out as soon as you are done. Did I get that right son?” He was still laughing when the waitress dropped off our food. She lingered at the table clearly hoping to snag some attention from either one of us. He finally stopped laughing long enough to acknowledge and dismiss her, “We are good here. Thank you.”
“Dad, I’m glad you find this funny. Maybe someday when my son and I are out having beers I will be able to laugh about this, but right now I don’t find it all that funny. Seriously how do I tell her she rocked my world without having to openly compare her to anyone from my past? How can I explain in a way that makes her feel good about herself and us?” To say I was frustrated was putting it lightly. I hadn’t heard from Sierra since the night before and that was just a quick text telling me she made it back to her dorm and was going to bed. “I know I sound like a whinny little shit, but seriously Dad, you are supposed to help me.”
He just kept snickering as I bitched like a girl. I honestly thought he would have some profound words of wisdom but so far nothing, I was just providing him with entertainment. The waitress came back to take our plates and my dad continued to make fun of me, “I’ll take another draft, but my son here might need more of a sissy drink. Calvin, do you want something fruity or wait what are those girly drinks, a cosmo? You want one of those?”
Now I was just plain frustrated, “No, I am good. I’ll just take the bill when you bring his beer.” It was then that my dad realized I wasn’t just fucking off, I really did want his advice on how to make things better between me and Sierra.
He stopped the waitress before she walked off handing her his credit card, “Bring him another beer too, then close us out. We won’t need anything else, but we might be here awhile.” When she walked off, his look turned serious and I knew I was finally going to get what I needed from him, words of wisdom that only he could give me.
“Dad I know I fucked up, but I also know I care enough about her that I am willing to do whatever I need to fix the fuck up. I have been thinking so many crazy things since last weekend. Seriously, I have never considered going off to college but on my drive home last weekend I thought about transferring just so I could be by her. Prior to her, I never for one second considered giving up my life, my job, my friends, for anything; now I would honestly walk away from everything if that was the only way I could be with her. Before I woke up to an empty hotel room, I had been dreaming about the two of us sitting on the beach with kids running around being all crazy. There was like 5 or 6 kids, they were screaming and fighting but all I saw was her, the only thing that mattered was her. You gotta help me figure out what to do, I can’t lose her because I was an idiot. What do I do Dad?”
“Cal, I know you think I am going to tell you exactly what to say or do to make Sierra suddenly fall at your feet, I’ll save you the disappointment right now, I’m not. There aren’t magic words that will make her instantly decide she loves you. That being said, something you just said is sticking out to me, reminding me of when your mom and I got together. You said prior to her, you would never consider giving up your life, your job, your friends and now if that was what it took, you would do it. Your mom and I both gave up and walked away from a lot of things to be together, some things we didn’t have a choice about and others we did, but ultimately, I honestly believe it was the willingness on both sides to sacrifice for the sake of our relationship. I don’t, for one second, believe that Sierra thinks you are a bad person or that you are without any mistakes in your past; if she does believe that, she isn’t nearly as smart as I pegged her for. But son, she took a chance on you for a reason. I am sure you aren’t the first guy who has been sniffing around, so do what you need to do to remind her why she took the chance and for god sake if she lets you back in her bed, praise her, tell her she is beautiful, and don’t pass the fuck out as soon as you get off. Oh shit, please tell me you got her off before you passed the fuck out. I might have to pretend I don’t know you if you tell me you didn’t.”
“Dad! I might be an idiot for passing out, but I am not a total douche bag. She would be embarrassed if she knew I was having this conversation with you. So, in an effort to protect her, I will simply say yes and leave it at that. Thank you Dad. I know I am extremely lucky to have you in my life, Mom too. I know I don’t tell you often enough, but I don’t know what I would do without you. Love you Dad.”
“Love you too son. Even if you are a fucking idiot sometimes.” With that we finished our beers and headed home.
I quickly learned that Cal didn’t know the meaning of the term “a little space.” Monday night after a crappy day of sleeping through my alarm, missing breakfast, and flunking a pop quiz I was actually grateful he didn’t know the meaning.
Cal: Hi Honey
Me: Hi Cal.
Cal: Did you have a good day?
Me: Not really. You?
Cal: Are you busy? Can I call you?
Me: Sure I’m not busy, just trying to study.
Within seconds my phone was ringing, flashing one of the pictures I’d had Hannah take of Cal and me when he’d come to visit. “Hi Cal.”
“Are you okay?” I could hear the concern in his voice, which I wasn’t necessarily expecting. I was still confused about whether he had real feelings for me or if he was hanging out with me and showing me interest because I was there.
“Yeah, I just had a rough day. I was overly tired last night and couldn’t get to sleep. I think it was about 3:30 the last time I looked at the clock. I ended up sleeping through my alarm. Missed breakfast because I didn’t have time. Class sucked, the professor gave a pop quiz that I thought I was prepared for and, well, I thought wrong. I ended up flunking that, which just sucks. I really thought I had studied enough for that class. Nothing like getting kicked when you already feel down, ya know? Or maybe you don’t.” I couldn’t keep the emotion out of my voice and he heard it immediately.
“Sierra, you’re killing me. I wish I was there to hold you. I wish there was a way I could make it all better for you.” He said it with enough sincerity that I believed him. It was also enough to make me wish he was here too.
I probably shocked the shit out of him when I told him the truth, “I wish you were here too Cal. You couldn’t have fixed the quiz.” Trying to find a little humor I downplayed the truth of hating school. “It could have been an open book quiz and I would have probably still failed. I can’t have all this beauty and brains at the same time.”
“Did you get to eat before your quiz?” Great now he was sounding like my brothers.
“Have you been talking to my brothers?” It’s kind of a catch 22 regardless of what he answered, I could find fault
on either side. He thought I overreacted so he went to them for help in learning how to deal with me or, the flip side, he didn’t go to them because he doesn’t really care about me. Holy shit! I need to go for a run, turn the shit in my head off.
“I haven’t talked to them today. I just know that Hannah always made me eat before she would help me with my homework. She said I couldn’t concentrate if I was hungry. Are you worried about your overall grade in that class? Is it one Hannah could help you with? I know I wouldn’t have passed most of my classes if it weren’t for her.”
Time for a little honesty, “Can I tell you something without you judging me negatively?”
“If I do, will you forget one shitty aspect of Saturday night?” I couldn’t help but giggle because he was being totally serious in his request.
I gave in, “Sure Cal. I’ll even let you choose what I forget.” I sucked in a huge breath before letting it all hang out there, “I hate school. I hate it so much I don’t even want to be here. But I know that my brothers have worked so hard the last two years because they didn’t have choice but to be here. I thought I would be happy here, I thought I just needed to be by my brothers again to be happy. I am pretty close to failing all of my classes. I feel like I am just here pretending to be who I am expected to be. Saturday was the first time I felt real happiness for more than just an hour at a time here and there.” The relief I felt having said it all out loud was the most freeing feeling I have ever experienced. Saying it out loud didn’t change my feelings, I still hated school but I was no longer carrying it alone.
“Honey, have you thought about talking to your brothers? I don’t want to say something that will offend you, so please don’t think I am saying this out of disrespect because that is not my intention. Who are you trying to impress by going to school? What I mean is, do you feel like you owe it to your brothers because your grandpa made them go? Do you feel like you owe it to your brothers because they didn’t have a choice? Are you doing it because you think your grandpa would have forced you to do it just like your brothers? I am trying to understand your motivation for doing something that is obviously making you miserable.”