Messed Up and Magic: (A New Adult Romance Novel)

by Stone, Holly

  “Involved in what?” I already suspected that Jack had been on a revenge mission against the man who’d bruised up his mum. Tina grimaced, shifting in her chair.

  “I’ve had a spot of trouble at home,” she said.

  “And you think Jack intervened?”

  “He came up to the hospital and then left saying he was going to sort things out.”

  I sighed, and looked over my shoulder, hoping Jack would appear and I’d be able to see he was alright. He was big and strong but he was still only eighteen. I had no idea what Tina’s boyfriend was like but he was a middle-aged man and the disparity in experience wasn’t likely to go in Jack’s favour.

  “So, you’re Jack’s friend?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Girlfriend?”

  I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. “It’s complicated.”

  “Always is between men and women,” Tina said, reaching up to touch her face absentmindedly.

  “He’s a good person,” I said, wanting her to know that. The fact she’d put him in a position of homelessness told me she didn’t value him as much as she should. Tina looked away and rifled around in the pocket of her fleece, pulling out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter.

  “I need a smoke,” she said.

  Tina was gone for less than five minutes and then returned, bringing in the scent of the night and fresh smoke. She seemed more relaxed which was good.

  “How’d you meet Jack?” she asked.

  “I run The Chubby Friar. He used to come in for his tea.”

  “Ah, I thought I recognised you.”

  “He stayed with me a few nights when he couldn’t go home,” I said, wanting to let her know that I knew what had been going on and wanting to make her feel guilty in a way. Jack didn’t deserve to be treated as poorly as he had been, whatever reasons she had to justify it.

  “Yeah? That’s good.”

  “Good that he didn’t have to sleep rough?”

  Tina blanched but met my serious gaze head on. “It wouldn’t have come to that. Lee would have put him up.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. He was sitting on the steps of the war memorial with nowhere to go when I told him to stay with me. Looked like he was out of options.”

  She shook her head as if she didn’t want to believe what I was saying was the truth. “He’s eighteen now. He’s big enough to stand on his own two feet.”

  “Is he? No one is too old to need their family, Tina.” I took a deep breath, knowing I was sticking my nose into a situation that was beyond my position, but I knew what I had to say was important. “He’s your son and he needs you. You might think he’s grown but he isn’t. He’s always going to put you first, partly because you’re his mum but mostly because he’s got a heart of gold and a sense of responsibility well beyond most eighteen year olds. He deserves for you to put him first too.”

  “You don’t understand,” she said, her knee jiggling up and down nervously. “You don’t know what it’s like to be getting older and still have no one that gives a shit about you. I…I don’t want to be on my own.”

  “Having someone in your life that would encourage you to evict your own child from his home, that isn’t someone who gives a shit about you, Tina. And staying with someone that does that,” I pointed at her face and she looked down, embarrassed. “Someone like that isn’t worth the steam off your piss, if you’ll pardon my language.”

  We were silent for a while and I fiddled with my phone for something to do. I hoped that Jack wouldn’t be angry with me for interfering if his mum repeated our conversation later. Ten minutes passed and Jack still hadn’t emerged. My nerves must have been obvious to Tina.

  “You care about him don’t you?” she said.

  “Yeah. I really do.”

  “I know you’re right…what you said about Darren. It’s been bad for a while but not like this…I don’t want him to come back…he’s not going to take it well.”

  “He won’t have a choice, okay? And what about Jack? He’s been really hurt by this whole thing.”

  “I’ll try talk to Jack,” she said with uncertainty. “I’m not good at things like this. I don’t think he’ll listen, but I’ll try.”

  “I hope he’ll listen.” I really did, for both their sakes. Jack had been seriously impacted by the difficult situation with his mum. He was holding himself back because of it, and the hurt and anger he felt towards her was unhealthy. Having just reconciled a lot of my own problems, I knew how cathartic it could be to face your demons, forgive and move on. If Jack could do that with his mum, maybe there might be space in his life for him to dream. And there might just be room for me.

  Chapter 21

  JACK

  I’d promised myself I would never spend any time in a police station and I’d managed to keep my resolution up until that afternoon. It couldn’t be helped though. I flexed my hands and my split knuckles opened, producing a slow trickle of blood that ran between my fingers and dropped onto the floor in front of me. When I’d found my stuff on the path outside my front door I’d fantasised about pulverising Darren’s fat, red face and it had been just as satisfying as I’d imagined.

  It had taken me half an hour to find him. He was nothing if not predictable. When he wasn’t in the betting shop, I’d headed for the pub. He watched me enter, and I saw the flash of fear in his eyes before he’d puffed out his chest and started with the mocking and jeering. Steve, the barman, had seen the look on my face and warned us to take it outside. I’d stabbed a finger at Darren’s chest and told him I was going to kick the fucking shit out of him if he had the balls to face me. His friends had laughed, and mocked too, telling him he’d better get outside before a kid made him look like a pussy.

  When we’d fought before, I’d come off the worse but this time I had pure, white rage in my fists and he didn’t know what had hit him. My first punch connected with a crack that split both our skin. He managed to retaliate enough to bruise my face again, but my second punch knocked the strength from his legs and he slumped to the floor at my feet. I looked up into the faces of his friends who stood silent on the steps of the pub.

  “This piece of shit beat my mum enough to put her in the hospital. He doesn’t come near her again, you understand?”

  They nodded and I gave Darren a kick as I turned to walk away. He groaned loudly as my foot sunk into the disgusting fleshiness of his belly. My heart was pounding so fast I felt lightheaded from the adrenaline and the sheer exhilaration of finally having the power and strength to take a stand.

  I started back down the road towards home, blotting the blood from my hand on some napkins I had in my rucksack. I was about five minutes away from the pub when I saw blue flashing lights reflected in the headlights of the parked cars next to me.

  It was probably a totally inappropriate reaction to laugh but I did. The copper looked pretty pissed off, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t believe Darren was so petty and pathetic that he would have reported our scuffle. I guess that was his reaction to being humiliated by someone so much younger.

  It had taken hours to get through the interview and finally get my phone call. I knew nothing was going to come of it all. The police didn’t have time to prosecute every pub carpark scuffle that broke out, but they had to make it look like they were taking it seriously.

  A police officer finally came to tell me I was going home and I went to collect my things from the Desk Sargent. I knew Amy would be waiting for me but I didn’t expect to see my mum sitting with her. They both looked up as I walked through the door but my eyes were on Amy as she scanned me for injuries and then seemed to crumple with relief.

  “Jack,” my mum said, standing up and walking towards me. Amy stayed where she was as though she didn’t want to interrupt our family reunion but all I wanted was to feel the warmth and softness of her against me.

  “What are you doing here, Mum?” I said gruffly.

  “What did you do, boy? I told you to leave it alo
ne.”

  I shook my head, holding in the rough words I wanted to spew out in response. Her face was less raw looking that it had been earlier and butterfly stitches ran down her cheekbone. It was a relief to see that she was okay but that didn’t make me less angry.

  “Jack, you were right…about Darren. I’m not going back to him, okay?”

  I looked up in surprise, not really believing that I might have finally gotten through to her after all the years of trying to get her to see the worthlessness of the men she chose to shack up with.

  “And I’m sorry,” she continued, shuffling awkwardly from foot to foot. “I shouldn’t have let him push you out of home. I should have put you first. I won’t let that happen again.” I didn’t know what to say. It was too little too late but that didn’t stop me feeling better for hearing it. I knew she loved me the best she could. It wasn’t enough, it would never be enough, but it was what she had to give and at that moment I accepted it.

  It hurts to look around and see other people with close families that look out for each other, with mums that fuss over them as though they’re the most important thing in the world. When I was younger I’d been hopeful that if I could just be a good boy and show her love that she might learn to show it back the way I needed her to. When all you’ve known is love that’s threadbare and unreliable it’s hard to forgive, and people don’t really change. They might say they will but it’s easy to slip back into old ways. Selfishness is a chronic condition.

  Looking down at my mum in the musty police station waiting room, her face marred with worry and regret, I realised that I had a choice. I could stay angry and resentful, and hold up others as examples that my mum would always fail match or accept things as they were. I would always give her more than she gave me. That was never going to change. But maybe my attitude towards it could. She was weak but somehow I’d been given strength. I had to be grateful for that and I wanted to do what I saw as the right thing. For my conscience I would be a good son whether she was what I considered to be a good mother or not.

  “You’re a good boy, Jack. I shouldn’t have called you. I didn’t want you getting involved in my mess.” Mum took a step back, her too-short jeans showing a slash of bare ankle skin that accentuated her vulnerability. She looked tiny in her fleece hoodie with the sleeves rolled at the cuffs, the vibrant pink highlighting her sallow skin. Her hands rested limply at her sides, fingers stained yellow with nicotine. I wanted to pack her up and take her somewhere far away so that she had the space to become more than what was in front of me. That rescuing instinct was something about myself that I couldn’t escape. It had been what had prompted me to befriend Cheng all those years ago. The playground bullies weren’t kind to those that looked different. And it was what had drawn me to Amy, even though I had reservations about getting too close.

  I had a lot of things to sort out with my mum but they weren’t the kind of things to talk about in a police station so I looked over at Amy. “Have you got your car?”

  “Yes,” she answered.

  “Could you drop my mum home?”

  “Of course,” she said, standing up and shouldering her bag.

  “Thanks,” I said to Amy, and to my mum I said, “Let’s go.”

  Amy waited in the car for me as I walked Mum to the door and arranged to pop over the next afternoon to talk. I wasn’t sure how I was going to broach the subject of Jamie with her as she hadn’t mentioned his existence since the day my dad took him away. Opening up old wounds is a difficult thing to do but it couldn’t be avoided. If I’d learnt anything over the past few weeks it’s that the past has the power to cloud the present and future if you let it, and I didn’t want secrets to have that power anymore.

  When I got back in the car Amy was quiet, but as I fastened my seatbelt and rested my forearms on my thighs she reached across and took my blood-scabbed hand in hers.

  “You need to get this cleaned up,” she said, cradling it gently and I had to swallow down the big ball of emotion that I always felt when she touched me so tenderly.

  “You offering to play nurse?” I whispered and she chuckled.

  “I didn’t think you’d be the kind who’d be into role play!”

  “You’d look great in a nurses costume,” I said, imagining her dressed up like something out of a tacky porno.

  “Thanks…I think.” Amy looked back at my house and I was thankful that the dark concealed some of its dilapidation.

  “Thanks for coming to get me.”

  “I’m glad you called me. When it got so late I wasn’t sure if I’d hear from you.” The tinge of sadness in her voice was something I regretted deeply. Sometimes, even though you are trying to do what you think is right, you get it horribly wrong. Looking across at Amy now, I couldn’t understand what the fuck I’d been thinking. On the surface there was plenty against us; too much of an age gap, too many issues and lives that just didn’t seem to fit. But when we were together, just us, the space felt warmer and safer. Everything was messed up but somehow we fit with each other, interlocking and becoming stronger for it. I had a lot of stuff still to deal with but in that moment it all seemed trivial compared to being with Amy.

  “You were the only person I wanted to call,” I said softly, and she sighed, slipping her hand from mine and reaching up to cup my cheek.

  “You know it’s time for you to take a step back from all this, don’t you? You can still care for your mum but you don’t have to give up your own future to do it.”

  I reached up and placed my hand over hers. “I’ve never let myself think past all this, Amy. That’s the problem. There was always too much going on in the present to imagine anything more.”

  “So give yourself some time.”

  “Did you sort things out with your dad?” I said, putting her hand to my lips and kissing it lightly.

  “Yeah. It’s all sorted…better than I’d hoped.” She told me about everything that had happened to her that day, and as I listened I realised she was right. I needed to give myself time to find a path and develop the courage to follow it. Amy had been so fearful of facing up to her problems and of reaching for her dreams, but she’d done it. Her strength gave me a sense of resolution.

  “So you’re going to be staying in North Riding?”

  “Yeah, it looks like it,” she said brightly.

  “That’s good,” I said, reaching out to stroke over her hair, watching as her eyes searched mine for the meaning behind the affection. “I know what I said but I was wrong.”

  “No you weren’t.” She shook her head. “Not at the time. But maybe you’re in a different place now?”

  “I wasn’t ready to start something with you because I didn’t want to hurt you. And I didn’t want you to realise, when things were better in your life, that I had only been a stop gap for you. And maybe I’m being selfish now…things aren’t that different but I want to give us a chance…if you do. Do you feel this thing between us, Amy?”

  “I feel it, Jack.” Amy smiled, leaning in to place a slow, soft kiss on my lips, and I let myself accept the rush of warmth that came with it, the bubble of hope for happiness.

  “You know what I realised?” she said, pulling back slightly and running her fingers over my brow. “Life is always going to be challenging but that doesn’t mean we can’t try for the good stuff too.”

  “Messed up and magic?” I asked, remembering her text message and thinking how perfectly it summed us up.

  Amy smiled. “Damn right, baby. Messed up and magic.”

  Epilogue

  AMY

  It’s still gloriously warm when I finally finish packing away cupcakes into boxes, leaving them ready to ice in the morning. A gentle breeze gusts strands of my hair across my face as I lock the door and lower the shutters. I breathe in the muggy scent of summer and sigh with contentment at leaving work at a respectable time without the lingering smell of fried fish clinging to me.

  I’ve got cakes under my arm in a box branded with
my logo: Beloved Bakes. They’re Jack’s favourites, chocolate sponge with an orange flavoured frosting and a slice of Terry’s Chocolate Orange on top.

  I stop at the grocery store to pick up some cold drinks and make my way towards the park. Its football night and I love to go and watch Jack and his mates get competitive and manly with each other. That and I’ve got a thing about ogling Jack’s long, strong legs in shorts!

  Dan’s already at the side-lines, watching her boyfriend Roy, and shouting expletives as the other team make a dirty tackle. I smile, feeling equal parts proud and embarrassed.

  We hug briefly, something we’ve taken to doing since I moved out and we don’t see each other as much. I miss our sisterly time but life moves on. I have a feeling she’ll be getting a place with Roy soon. I still haven’t asked her if his nickname – Roy the big boy – is anatomically accurate and she hasn’t said. It must be serious!

  “Jack scored,” she says grinning.

  “And I missed it!” I look out onto the pitch just as Jack notices I’m here and waves. His dark eyes sparkle with happiness that I know is reflected in mine. He’s extra jovial today because Jamie has come to stay and is standing in for one of the team who’s sick with a nasty case of food poisoning. I watch as Jamie tackles an opponent and wins possession, sending the ball to Jack with such sharp accuracy I whoop. Jamie is a bit of a hot-shot when it comes to football, something that makes Jack ridiculously proud.

  I plonk myself down on the grass and crack open a bottle of beer and Dan settles beside me.

  “Give us one,” she says and I do.

  Sipping cool beer in the park on a sunny evening is just about perfect. Dan and I chat, and occasionally shout encouragement when the match warrants it. When the whistle blows, Jack’s team win 1:0. After much backslapping and some handshaking with the opposition, Jack, Lee, Roy and Jamie make their way across to us and flop into the ground, seemingly exhausted and very sweaty. While the others reach into the bag of drinks, Jack peeks under the cake-box lid and grins. I’m rewarded for treating him with a hot kiss that leaves me breathless. Jack’s eyes almost melt me with their warmth. He strokes his huge, damp palm over my hair tenderly and smiles his lopsided smile.