by Haley Monroe
“Stop.” I scream and push at his chest again, harder this time. “Stop. I don’t want you.” I hiss through my teeth. He shoves me harder into the cart, the metal railing is biting in my back and I squeak in pain.
“Don’t play shy now, Hannah. I saw you open those perfect legs for me while you were in your bed, inviting me in for a taste. I don’t want to wait anymore. Seeing your ass bent over this cart, reminded me of how much I want you too.”
“No!” I yell, hoping to draw attention from other shoppers. He grinds his erection against my thigh and kisses my neck. My body is physically sick over his words and how he’s touching me. My lungs heave, trying to puke up the disgusting feelings he’s causing. I make one last effort to shove at his chest with all of my strength again, but he isn’t moving. He’s too big and too demanding and I’m too weak. “Stop, I swear to God,” I warn. His left hand leaves the cart to grab for my chest and I let out a scream like I’ve never screamed before. I expect windows to shatter and glass vases to break.
Samuel backs away from me covering his ears and suddenly, the aisle is filled with people. “Miss, are you hurt?” A man wearing a manager name tag asks me.
“Not hurt, but that man,” I point to a red faced Samuel. He pins me with a look that makes my stomach fall to my feet then pushes through the crowd and runs off. “Don’t let him get away!” I yell. “I want to press charges.”
“Which man?” The manager asks, looking through the swarm of faces. No one is stopping him and I can’t even see him anymore. “Do you know him?”
“He was wearing a plaid shirt and dark jeans. Fuck, I can’t see him anymore.” I slump against the cart, my heart still racing a million miles a minute. “Please, stop him.” I feel weaker than ever, there is no adrenaline rushing through my system to carry me through this ordeal. I’m hungry and my head hurts. I lean on the cart to keep me on my feet.
“Do you want me to call the police?” He asks and I feel guilty for thinking Miranda was silly when she asked the very same question only moments ago.
“Please,” I nod my head and turn to grab my phone from inside of the cart. My hands are shaking and I can’t seem to catch a full breath. My chest hurts and I feel dirty in a way I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. He saw me. He was watching me while I spoke with Jacob this morning. While I touched myself for Jacob. I feel violated and tears pool in my eyes, leaking down my cheeks before I can reach up to stop them.
“It’ll all be okay, miss. Come with me, we’ll get this sorted.” The manager doesn’t try to touch me and I’m thankful for that. He just holds out his hand to indicate which way his office is and together we walk away from my cart and the terrible scene that occurred. The shoppers didn’t stick around, once Samuel was gone, so were they, making it easy for him to escape. He was just swept away with the crowd, but that’s okay. I know where he lives.
Chapter Five
I sit, still shaking, still angry, in the manager’s office for the police to arrive. The manager has been very kind to me, offering me orange juice and a few sugar cookies while I wait. The juice helps me feel more balanced and the cookies seem to take the anger out of my stomach.
When the police do show up, I go over everything that happened. How I met Samuel on Wednesday and how he needed a ride this morning. I told them how I’m too stupid to tell a stranger no and how we ended up here. I feel my cheeks turn pink as I explain about the things he said, about watching me this morning. I realize I don’t have a last name for him or even if Samuel is his real name but I give them the address for the brown house he’s supposed to live in.
They promise to look into the matter and tell me I’ll have to go down to the station to fill out a restraining order, without his last name though that could be difficult. The cop gives me a card with his number on it and instructs me that until we can figure out exactly who this guy is, I can call him if I feel I am in any danger, at any time and I thank him for that bit of peace.
By the time we are finished and I make it back out of the store with my purchases, the cake in the back of my car looks a mess. The plastic container is sweating and the pretty icing words are running all over the place. My gaze turns upward to glare at the sun. I thought it was chilly enough this morning that the cake would have been fine but the sun seeping in the windows foiled my plans. With a huff, I turn back around and buy a cheap yellow cake from the bakery inside the grocery store.
It’s not nearly as pretty and I know it won’t taste as good as the gourmet bakery cake I’d planned on serving but it’s the best I can do on such short notice. I drive home with the windows up and the radio off. All the happiness and security I had recently found now feels like a silly dream. Like I was a lost little girl who believed in the magic of a theme park, but now I’ve grown up and can see the world for what it is. It’s a filthy, dirty place with people you can’t trust.
I was never safe, Daddy could never protect me from the judging eyes of strangers. I’m a fool who’s now more anxious than I’d ever been before in my life. I want so badly to call Jacob, to tell him he was wrong and the world isn’t a place for kind people. I did the right thing by helping a neighbor and look where my kindness got me. I want to hear his voice tell me I’ll be okay, even if I won’t believe him right now.
I want him here to put his arms around me and make me feel like maybe, just maybe, he’s right. That even through the blips that happen now and again, the world is bright and beautiful and safe.
When I get home, Miranda’s car isn’t in the driveway. I feel let down yet again. Where is she? Why isn’t she here like she said she would be? I really need her right now. My eyes scan the neighborhood, afraid that Samuel is behind the trees, waiting to jump out and tackle me.
I park as close to the door as possible and run inside. Locking my car and my house as fast as I can. I grab the bag I packed earlier and make the same hurried motions to get back into my car. Every branch that moves in the wind, every leaf that floats to the ground, makes me jump. I twitch like he’s here, like Samuel is hiding behind the mail boxes like he was that very first time we met. When I threw myself carelessly into the leaves and didn’t even notice I was being watched until he spoke. What if he had attacked me then? There would have been no crowded supermarket full of people to come to my rescue. It would have been just me.
Ugh, I hate this! In the car, I slam my fists against the steering wheel. Why did this have to happen? More tears burn at my eyes as I sit in my driveway, so mad at everything. At Jacob for leaving, at Samuel for being creepy and at Miranda for being right.
No. The back of my hand swipes angrily across my wet cheeks. I’m not going to let him win. He won’t make me feel these things. I inhale deeply and force out the storm of feelings swirling around in my gut. I focus on my grounding techniques, a tool used when you’re about to have a panic attack.
I look around and find four things I can see, three things I can hear, two things I can touch and then close my eyes and listen to my own breathing. Jacob loves me, Miranda cares for me and Samuel is just a creep. These are facts. Facts I can’t change but can accept. Only one of these facts makes me feel uncomfortable.
My eyes open and I’m connected to the present again. My mind isn’t spinning off with what if’s that don’t matter. My fingers aren’t shaking at all when I reach out for the radio dial and find my favorite ninety’s station that makes everything right in the world again. I wait until I back out of the driveway though before I roll down my windows.
Today is Jacob’s birthday and I’m going to surprise him with a wonderful gift that will knock his socks off.
***
The castle comes into view and it’s a sight for sore eyes. It’s like coming home after a week of hell and you have nothing planned, but relaxing in your own space with no outsiders to bother you. My eyes feel swollen from my crying and I hope my appearance doesn’t scare Steph.
It’s just after three p.m., I tried really hard to get here before one, but
talking with the police just took too long and then having to replace the poor cake. We’ll still have plenty of time to plan things out, but all I can think about is Jacob’s luxurious shower.
Instead of parking in front of the fountain like I normally do, I pull the car around the side of the house and Steph waves to me from the open garage. I pull my trashy little beater car in line with Jacob’s expensive sports cars. When I haul myself out of the car, I’m surprised by Steph’s hug. Her arms are wrapped tight around me and I let myself melt into her hold.
“You looked like you needed a hug.” She speaks softly as her hands rub up and down my back. The human contact feels nice.
“I look that bad, huh?” I chuckle because it’s funny. When you know you look like shit and hope no one will notice, but they’d have to be blind not too.
“Um, yeah. Sorry.” She laughs too and leans back to look at me. Her hand cups my jaw and her eyes squint a little as if she’s trying to figure out what’s going on. “Are you having second thoughts? We don’t have to do this, I can find another way to play.”
“No, no, it’s not that.” My head shakes and I close my eyes. My hand lifts to pinch the bridge of my nose. “It’s been a rough day.”
“Let’s go inside, have a glass of wine and if you want, we can talk about it. If you don’t then we can talk about anything else. I’m really good at talking.” Her smile is so kind and I want to trust her. I want us to be friends and know that I can count on her, but I’m scared to take that chance.
“That sounds great, but honestly?” I give her a weak smile as I open the back door to remove the cake and supplies I bought. I place the first cake on the roof of my car, sad that it got ruined like it did. “I kind of just wanna go sit in the master shower with the steam all the way up and pretend I’m away at some fancy spa in Italy.”
“I could join you? With a glass of wine?” She claps her hands as she giggles.
“Sure, yeah. That sounds good.” I kick my car door shut and Steph picks up the ruined cake and throws her free arm around my shoulders. This is crazy, but all the weight that was hanging on my heart is being shaken off by this silly woman whose laughter makes me feel light.
We step into the kitchen and memories assault me. I feel Jacob everywhere in this room. He’s fixed me food in here, he’s fucked me in here. A smile sneaks over my lips as I place the cake on the kitchen island. “Come on, I wanna show you something before we go upstairs.” Steph takes my hand and pulls me down the hall to the foyer.
Steph has gone all out. Pink and white streamers ping-pong across the space above us and balloon bouquets fill every corner of the room. She spins me around in the center of the entrance and points to a giant banner that hangs from the staircase.
“Happy Birthday Jacob”
“Oh, Steph!” I gush. “It’s so beautiful! He’s going to love it.” I hug her tightly and together we bounce around in a circle.
“This is dumb,” Steph says as we stop. Her hands are on my shoulders and her pretty eyes stare into mine. “But I have to tell you. I’m so happy you are in Mr. Hoff’s life. He’s a good man who deserves a good woman and I can tell you are just the best.”
“I don’t know about that.” She blows a raspberry and rolls her eyes at me.
“You don’t have to believe me because Mr. Hoff’s knows it and I know it. I know I’m just his housekeeper and I don’t want this to make things weird after. I want us to be friends. I had a great time with you at Starbucks the other day.” She shrugs. “It won’t be weird right?”
“Not if we don’t let it.” I shrug. “Right?”
“Right.” She agrees with a smile. “Let’s go to the wine cellar and pull out a few bottles.” I bite into my lip at her suggestion. I wouldn’t want to select a wine Jacob would be upset about us opening and I don’t know anything about wine so I would have no idea if one was special or not. “Don’t worry, I know which stuff is good to open. God, your face is so readable.” Her laughter rings out again, tickling me and making me laugh.
“I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.”
Steph leads me down to the wine cellar. I expect it to be dark and dusty but it’s not at all. It’s a sleek little, climate controlled room with rows of wine, locked up behind walls of glass. “These are the no goes.” Steph points to the glass cases. “These however,” she picks up two bottles in one hand and another in the other, from a shelf that isn’t blocked off. “These are safe to open.”
“There are so many down here.” I try to read some of the labels but they are all in other languages.
“Yeah, that man of yours knows how to collect the good stuff. I’ve heard him call it an investment and it must be because he never drinks the stuff. If he drinks at all its whiskey and even then it’s very little.”
“He’s kind of great, right?” I swoon over talk of my man as we exit the cellar. Steph juggles the bottles and snatches two wine glasses from the kitchen, then lifts the end of one bottle towards the stairs.
“To the shower, my body is so sore and I’m looking forward to this spa date too. We can talk about him once we’re settled.” I feel my eyes get wide.
“Damn, he must have rubbed off on you ‘cause you just sounded so much like him just now.”
“Oh, God. Do you think that means I’ll be more of a Dom than a sub?” She looks horrified and again I can’t control my laughter.
“No, you can be whichever you want. Or both.”
“I’ve got a lot to learn.” She looks down at her feet as we climb the stairs. We walk slowly up the stairs, floor by floor, until we reach the Master suite. It looks exactly the same as it had the last time I was here.
I kick off my shoes as Steph pops the cork on the first bottle of wine. The sound echo’s loudly in the open bathroom. She pours two, very full glasses and leaves them on the vanity as she slips out of her shoes too. It’s not weird as we both strip out of our clothing, in fact it seems normal, comfortable.
Her body is slim, more toned than mine because of the manual labor she does for Jacob and I’m sure from time at the gym. Her boobs are smaller than mine and her nipples are more of a brownish color. She’s beautiful but that doesn’t make me feel insecure and I wonder when the hell that happened.
She turns on the steam and I follow behind her into the shower with our wine glasses in each hand. She fiddles with the settings for a while until the entire glass box is filled with warm, steamy air. I pass her, her glass when she seems satisfied and together we sit on the bench seat. I lean against the cool tile and kick my legs up alongside hers.
My tummy rolls aren’t hidden by the steam as I sit in front of Steph and I don’t care. It’s been too long of a day and it isn’t even half over. I tip the glass to my lips and drink down the wine without trying to savor the flavor or figure out if it’s fruity or oaky. It’s dry, that’s all I know but that little fact won’t stop me from drinking more of it.
“Alright,” Steph starts, leaning back with her wine glass resting on her thigh. “Wanna talk about today or BDSM?”
“BDSM might be easier for me.” I answer honestly.
“Okay, how long have you been a sub?”
“Just a few years, not really all that long.”
“How did you find it?” She takes a sip from her glass and her gaze is so focused on my face. I can tell the topic really interests her and I think back to when I first discovered my sexuality.
“I dated a few guys in high school, lost my virginity at sixteen to some guy I thought I loved. It didn’t work out, obviously and I was dying to find love, acceptance I guess. My mom always made comments about me being overweight and how no one would ever love a fat girl. So I sought out anyone who would call me pretty. I’m not saying I was a whore but I started sleeping with anyone who wanted to get in my pants. It was mostly always the same. Lame sex that lasted five minutes tops and I felt even worse after. I was spiraling into a nasty dark hole. I stopped eating and worked out all the time, until
I fainted.” I look down into my wine as I remember how much I hated myself then. “I was sick.” I force myself to look at Steph and say words I’ve never spoken out loud. “I’m still sick, it’s not as bad, Jacob has helped me a lot but,” I shrug and gulp down more wine. “It’s getting better. Anyway, I met this guy at the gym and he would tease me. All the time. We didn’t have sex for forever, but when we did, he was so controlled about it. He’d make me get on my knees and I found it easy to submit to his demands. It was like being free. If he was in control of what I was supposed to do, than I didn’t have to worry about doing something wrong. I asked him why being with him was so different and he was so smug about it. He thought he was the greatest gift to BDSM and the best Master in the world. He brought me to my first sex club and that’s where I met my best friend Miranda, she’s a little and saw the same thing in me.”
“It’s funny how one soul recognizes another, isn’t it? I feel that way with you, like we were connected from that first night you came over here and I lead you up to his office.” Steph says with a grin.
“It is. I was so overwhelmed with what I was about to do, but I think I felt it too. Anyway, I broke it off with that guy and played a little with Miranda and her Dom, Tom. They brought me to a different club, The Play House. It was nice but I wanted a Dom of my own. I tried dating sites, I tried playing with guys at the club while Tom was around for safety. No one clicked. Not until Miranda suggested I meet Jacob. I’m so, so thankful for her for that.”
“I wish I had someone to guide me like that.” Steph drains the wine from her glass and stands up. Her ass jiggles a little as she walks out of the shower and skips back in with the open bottle. She pours more wine into my glass first, then fills hers. One bottle down.
“I’m not sure I’ll be much help, but you could talk to Jacob about it. He’s a well of information and really knows what he’s talking about. You know, we only chatted through email for like the first few weeks of our relationship and then we started calling each other. It was two months of getting to know each other before we met in person.”