Damn him. “But I’m not dead, Jonas. I’m here living and breathing and working. Why can’t you see that? Why must you always focus on the most negative aspect of everything?” I threw my hands up in the air and marched back toward my desk, and then leaned on it for support.
“You’re right; I was doing that, but not anymore.” He moved to within inches from me. I could feel the heat radiate from his body, sending a shiver into mine. His knuckles came up to caress the side of my face, and, stupidly, I leaned into his touch, giving him hope, when all I wanted was to walk away.
“I’ve been a fool. I had happiness and perfection right in front of my eyes, and instead of embracing it, I forced you away. Feeling the loss I felt when I thought you were torn from this world was the most unbearable pain I’d ever experienced. Then to have you turn around a couple days later and offer yourself up as bait to a madman hell bent on killing you…I started pushing you away. I knew it was wrong. I knew I’d have to fight back feelings I’d only begun to explore, but I couldn’t lose you again.
“That’s why I snapped when Victor held a knife to you. The threat of having you ripped from me again…well, I wasn’t willing to let that happen.” He reached out for the arm Victor had sliced, and then ran his fingers over the scar that now existed, which was the only evidence the event even took place.
“I’ve had my mother walk out, my friends and fellow brothers killed in battle, and then you.” He reached up pushing his hair back as he tensed. “I just couldn’t go through any of that again. I admit: I’ve got darkness in me, which I hope to tame with your help. You’re the only person who has the power to help me be a better man, the man I want to be, the man you deserve to have. With you, I can believe anything is possible. I haven’t had a restful night’s sleep since I left your side.”
I tried to force the tears down so deeply that they couldn’t resurface, but it only added to the aching in my heart, so I shook my head trying to block out what I was hearing, trying to protect my spirit from being destroyed by him again. I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t need to, as he continued his story.
“I knew I had to deal with the consequences of my actions for beating up Victor, so that’s why I willingly walked into the FBI office and gave my statement, only no one would back me up. They’d all turned a blind eye to the rage I’d unleashed that day. I’d been let off without so much as a warning. However, I knew I couldn’t come back to you damaged and out of control, not even knowing what I wanted out of my life. Prior to you, Erica, I didn’t care about any of those things. I didn’t even care whether I lived or died.”
Gazing deeply into my eyes, Jonas moved closer so we were only millimeters apart. “I needed to deal with a few things. It took me longer than I anticipated, but I think you’ll be happy when you hear what I’ve done. I’ve been talking in depth with Kent. I hadn’t taken therapy serious enough, not until you’d helped me with the breakthrough on the island.”
I shook my head trying to back out of his grasp, wanting to put up a wall of bricks between us. I couldn’t go down this path with him. I couldn’t deal with one excuse after another as to why he wouldn’t let go of the past and move forward. I understood that he couldn’t forgive himself, but was I supposed to be pulled down with him? What about my life and my issues? I’ve been dealing with a whole hell of a lot, but you don’t see me hiding from society. Who knew it was possible to hate the one person you loved more than anyone else in the world? But I did. I couldn’t go there again. I might not survive the next blow to my heart.
Jonas wouldn’t let me go. “I need you to listen to me, Erica; just hear me out. If you don’t like what I have to say, then I’ll never darken your doorstep again.”
My head slumped forward. I knew that once he had an idea in his head, there was no changing it, not until he was done. “Fine. Talk fast.” I mumbled under my breath.
His fingers curved around my face, feeling so warm and inviting, bringing back all the memories from the island, but I couldn’t look at him and continue this level of indifference.
Of course he wouldn’t let me turn away, as he gripped my chin lightly and forced me to look into his eyes. “I want you to see that I’m not lying to you; in fact, I’m thanking you.”
My brows furrowed. “Thanking me for what?”
A small smile played across his lips. “You were right; I wasn’t willing to address my issues of abandonment and survivor’s guilt. The men who’d been captured in my last mission as a marine had been calling and leaving me messages for the past year. I’d been avoiding them because I’d felt they were trying to blame me.”
Oh no. I started to reach my hand out to his shoulder, but Jonas tensed, causing me to pause. “I finally spoke to one of them, Brad, who’d been tortured and beaten nearly to death as a prisoner of war.” Jonas swallowed hard and the edges of his eyes brimmed with unshed tears. “He and the other guys, who were also prisoners, were concerned about me. They felt I’d gone through just as much as them, being forced to continually move about what little forest was there, barely sleeping, and hardly eating until help arrived.”
Jonas’s hands moved down to my shoulders, gripping them as if his life depended upon me being there. He shook his head and finally admitted, “I wouldn’t leave my fellow brothers-in-arms. I tried every way possible to break into the prisoner facility, but I couldn’t find a way in.”
I tried to reassure him the best I could. “It’s okay. You tried.”
He nodded as a tear slipped down the side of his face and into his beard. “They knew I was out there waiting for them, trying to get them out, trying to arrange for a rescue. Brad stated the knowledge that I was out there fighting for them was what pulled them through and forced them not to give up. He even admitted he wasn’t sure if he would’ve done the same.” Jonas paused before adding, “I met up with them.”
My brow lifted. Did I hear him right? “You what?”
“I met up with the five men that survived the ordeal. Mr. Prescott and Tennison helped to arrange their flights down here so we could just spend a couple days catching up.” His eyes looked at mine with sincerity. “I may never get over the actual events of that day, but I know I did everything in my power to help them while suffering through my own personal hell. We’re all scarred physically or mentally from that day, but talking about it together helped us all come one step closer to healing.”
His confession made me take a closer look at Jonas’s posture. He’d always held himself with a high level of tension, but now he was more relaxed, which I liked. Great, now he looked even sexier and harder to refuse. Be strong, honey. You can do it.
“I’m happy you were able to find some resolution in terms of your last mission, but what about the unresolved issues with your mom?” I questioned, not wanting to hurt him but needing to know if he’d worked through any of these issues as well. Until he was able to let go of his past, he wouldn’t be free to move on with his future.
Jonas released my shoulders and allowed me to take a couple steps away, as he continued, “Derrick helped me do some digging to find our mom’s other kids—our half-siblings and the one’s she adopted.”
I was taken aback by this information, not knowing he’d had an interest in searching for them. I knew Robin had been inclined to find them and ask them a few questions, but Jonas had been the one to nix her interest. I was about to ask why, when he answered for me.
Sighing loudly, Jonas offered, “Mom didn’t leave us voluntarily.”
Shaking my head to make sure I heard that right, “What forced her to leave? Why no communication from her whatsoever?”
He ran his hand through his hair. “Robin and I flew out to Texas to meet with our half-siblings. According to them, their father was an abusive bastard, forcing our mom into a marriage she didn’t want, thanks to one night of infidelity on her part, which produced our younger brother, Mason.
“I remember Mom and Dad fighting about something right before she left, but
I couldn’t remember what it was about until my talk with Mason. We were able to piece things together enough to understand she was forced into the marriage with his threats to kill our father and us. She ended up filing for divorce, walking out on us, and living the rest of her days at the mercy of that beast, providing him a couple of children and adopting the one’s he already had.”
Okay, I was at a loss, missing some kind of detail. “How do they know all that?”
He grimaced; this wasn’t going to be good. “He was abusive toward our brother and sister as well as Mom. She’d had enough and tried to leave once with them in tow, telling them of happier times spent with my father and us. But his other kids got wind of their escape, and he caught them. Mom was beaten her within inches of her life.” Jonas let out a deep breath. “She never tried to leave again, but Mason and Jenny have been trying to find us ever since, to give us a letter Mom had written us, letting us know she’d never stopped loving any of us. She’d only left in order to protect us.”
My heart was being ripped in two. I loved Jonas. I felt for what he’d gone through and all, but could I trust him with my heart again. So I asked, “Why did you wait so long to tell me all this? Didn’t my feelings count for anything? What about what I’ve been through? I needed you, Jonas, and you failed me, failed us.”
His body moved closer to mine, which forced me to take a step back and bump my butt and legs against the edge of my desk. Jonas’s hands moved around me, caging me in so I had no choice but to listen. “You’re right: I did, but I had someone point out something to me, something I’d said to him a while back.”
Okay, this captured my interest, but I was growing tired and frustrated by his delayed responses. He complained how Rick and Derrick loved to beat around the bush about things and here he was doing the same damn thing. I needed him to get to the point already. “Who?
Jonas seemed to relax at the memory. “Derrick. I was with him on assignment in Tampa. He’d fallen for Jesse, Dr. Bradford’s daughter, but he was too scared to take a chance because of his own stress and anxiety issues. I told him that life is about taking chances, and he’s been reminding me, almost daily, to get off my ass and practice what I preach by taking a leap of faith with you, providing you’ll have me.
“You’re right, I should not have taken so long to come to you. But in my defense, I did spend three weeks being debriefed by the FBI, another week with Titan, and a couple days being grilled with your parents—all before dealing with the issues of my past.”
So he’s been working and seeking guidance to help him realize he’s an important part of this life. I leaned into him, my eyes level with his. “Okay, Jonas, I think I can move past all this, but I need you to hear me out.” I took a deep breath in and felt the pain inside me start to subside. “I need you to know that running from me isn’t an option and neither is hiding how you feel. I can forgive it this time, but I need to hear you say that you understand how important this is to me. I need honesty, loyalty, and trust from you. Either we’re in this together as a team or not at all.”
Jonas closed his eyes, swallowed, and then opened them with more intensity and heat than I’d ever remembered. “I’ll do anything you ask of me, Erica. I want to be the first person you think of every morning, the last one you think of before falling asleep, and the only man you’ll rely on in life.”
His words were everything I wanted to hear and more, but I still wasn’t ready to give my heart to him completely. Thinking back on his words, I held my hands up for him to stop. “Wait a minute. What the heck do my parents have to do with all this?”
Jonas laughed, but he still seemed nervous; something was up. “They saw the looks that transpired between us prior to baiting Victor as well as afterward. Hell, everyone in our Titan office saw it. Your parents knew we’d extended far beyond me being your bodyguard and you my charge. So they asked me to meet with them to discuss things.”
He moved his forehead against mine, “Do you have any idea how scary your parents can be? They’re worse than being grilled eight hours straight by the feds. But I needed to do it in order to gain their trust and be given their permission.”
I pulled my face away from his, “Permission? What are you talking about?”
He dropped to one knee in front of me while holding a ring box in his hand. My heart started beating a million miles a minute, never expecting anything even remotely like this to happen, at least not to me. “I want you, Erica. Not just to date, not just to be romantic with, but for life as my partner, my lover, my wife. Marry me?”
“I’m happy to hear you still want me, but there’s something I need to tell you, and I’m not sure how you’ll respond, since this wasn’t exactly planned. I mean, I didn’t know how to contact you.” I rambled on and on trying to find the words to tell him the news I had, which, hopefully, wouldn’t send him bolting for the door.
His face was filled with confusion. “Are you going to marry me or what? Is it the ring? I know it isn’t much, but I don’t have that much to offer other than to provide for you the best way I know how and to love you for an eternity and then some.”
My heart melted. “Jonas, listen, I’m not sure you’ll want to marry me after what I tell you.”
“What’s that, sugar?”
I wrung my hands with nervous anxiety, not knowing quite how to put things into words. I guess I just needed to grab one edge of the metaphorical band-aid and pull. “I’m pregnant.” I blurted out. “I didn’t mean to be. I went to get my next birth control shot only a week after the incident with Victor. I’d been given a pregnancy test, like usual, to make sure things were okay, but the test came back positive.”
I looked down at the carpet, not wanting to meet his eyes. In a weak voice I admitted, “The doctor said the shot ran out early. They’d been given a batch that had been recalled by the pharmaceutical company for less effectiveness, but since I was unavailable…” I shrugged my shoulders and waited with baited breath wondering how he’d respond.
Without hesitation, he put his hands on my hips and pulled me close so that he could kiss my stomach, causing me to laugh and breathe a sigh of relief. His hand ran over my stomach and questionable eyes shot up to mine. “Is everything proceeding as normal? You seem to be showing already and you can’t be any further along than a couple months?”
I placed my hand over his. “I’m pregnant with triplets.”
Jonas’s eyes were as huge as saucers, and he audibly swallowed. His brows furrowed and his voice was shaky. “Triplets?”
I nodded, not sure what else to say and watching him closely for signs of shock.
He was speechless for a moment. “Woman, you’re marrying me next week. I want you; I want these children; I want us. End of story.”
I couldn’t help the happiness running through me. I saluted him and answered as his submissive and future wife. “Yes, Sir!”
He whispered sweet nothings to the babies, before he looked up to me, grabbed my hand, and slipped on the ring. “I love you, Erica.”
Looking down at the ring—a simple gold band with a small round solitaire and an aquamarine chip on each side, reminding me of the water around the island—I easily replied, “I love you too, Jonas.”
He rose from the floor, his hands encompassing my face, and pulled me to within millimeters of his lips, “Always, love, always,” before kissing me senseless.
“Always.”
Sneak Peek of Makenna’s Trust—Titan Security #3
Coming Spring 2018
Prologue
Makenna
This week had been a slow one. The rest of the agents had all been busy with one case after another, but Titan Security still hadn’t given me anything that had my adrenaline pumping. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that I’d been hired on, despite my father’s protests, but I wanted a piece of the action, to live on the edge and not settle for second best. Hell, that’s what my parents had always instilled into my sister, Jesse, and me.
I could hear my mom’s voice now, “Jesse, Makenna, you might be women, but you come from a long line of doers who go after what they want, grasp it with both hands, and never let go until they succeed. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. Some of the greatest women in history, science, and medicine were told it was man’s work, so they shouldn’t bother. Yeah, what a load of crap. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be a doctor now, practicing alongside your father.”
My mother’s words stuck with both of us. My sister became an aeronautical engineer and worked for my dad’s brother, whom we’d believed had died, but had actually been in hiding. I ended up taking classes in corporate accounting and financial investments. I was at the top of my class, ranking higher than my boyfriend at the time.
Just saying the word boyfriend left a bad taste in my mouth. Long story short, he screwed me over by stealing the job of my dreams. I was so crushed by his deception that I ran off to the Air Force to follow in my uncle’s footsteps. I wanted to be a badass woman operative, a sniper. However, my father, with the help of his friend Mr. Prescott, ran interference and got me reassigned to learn computer hacking. Why did my father always have to assume he knew what was best for me?
To my surprise, however, I found the computer classes quite enjoyable, but I also sought out the challenges of learning skills not many women had learned before me. I ranked among the top ten in the Air Force to hold a fifth-degree black belt. I trained alongside some beastly men, and surpassed their marksmanship to become only the third woman sniper in service, hoping to earn myself a spot on the frontlines of the war. I wanted to serve a purpose in our country, do something other than look pretty, which I continually hid with my fatigues or my crappy clothes.
But for every inch I blazed forward, my father would call in favors to pull me two steps back. The tug-of-war game with my father eventually got old, and when I was in the process of decommissioning from the Air Force, I discovered Titan Security was hiring. With the help of my sister and a personal call to one of Titan’s owners, I managed to land myself this new position.
Jonas's Redemption: A Standalone Romantic Suspense (Titan Security Book 2) Page 21