Introvert Power

by Laurie Helgoe

  Michael Zielenziger, who studied the hikikomori phenomenon in his book Shutting Out the Sun, notes that, while American youth tend to rebel in more aggressive ways, Japanese youth rebel in the Japanese way—by withdrawing. The squeaky wheel doesn't get grease in Japan and, conversely, recluses tend to fade from view in America. But the hikikomori are getting attention—if only because they are hiding out in their parents' homes. Psychologists pore over the problem, parents reluctantly seek counseling, and a program called New Start sends out "rental sisters" who are trained to befriend and mentor these boys into their program and eventually into society. And just as youthful protestors have been forces of change in our society, the hikikomori are slowly shaking up a society where change itself upsets the illusion of perfect harmony.

  The contrasts between American extroversion and Japanese introversion reveal the limitations, as Jung put it, of a "one-sided attitude." The ancient Tai Chi symbol captures the ways opposites flow into each other: go too far in one direction, and the need for the other becomes apparent. The yang is the bright force associated with extroversion and the West, with Sun and Heaven. Yang energy is active and masculine, and flows forward, upward, and outward. The yin is the dark force associated with introversion and the East. The energy of yin flows backward, downward, and inward, and has characteristics of femininity, stillness, passivity, and the life of the unconscious. Moon and Earth capture the essence of yin.

  Note that yin harbors a nucleus of yang, and visa versa. The nucleus is akin to Jung's shadow concept—the denied part of us that haunts our dreams until we pay attention. Applied to America and Japan, this may explain both the fear and the fascination between our two cultures: America's hunger for all things Eastern, from yoga to manga, and Japan's obsession with American trends. Of the latter, Reid noted that, when he lived in Japan, it was extremely difficult to find a T-shirt or cap with a Japanese slogan on it: everything was in English. He shared some comical translations, such as "I love you guitar to dying" on one T-shirt, and commented that getting it right was not the point—getting it in English was.

  Though Zielenziger's book focuses on a problem in Japanese society, the author acknowledges the positive side of Japan's conservatism, as well as the ways Japan and the U.S. have each mastered only part of the equation:

  The gentle, minimalist character of traditional Japan, that which seeks harmony with nature instead of trying to tame it, and finds beauty in the sparse rather than in the abundant, has much to teach a contemporary world now confronted by physical and resource limits...If Japan has yet to acknowledge the crucial role of the individual in creating social responsibility, then we in America have failed to articulate the sense of community and community obligation needed to mitigate the excesses of individualism.

  Here is the paradox of introversion in society: individualism gives each of us a voice, but excesses of individualism result in a cacophony of voices, allowing only the loudest to be heard. So how do we remain individuals and introverts too? Norden and Japan are both free societies with introverted values, but they both have the advantage (and disadvantage) of housing a relatively homogeneous population. Interestingly, MBTI research in other countries tends to replicate the fifty-fifty split between introverts and extroverts—which, if the split holds for Norden and Japan—means that there may be a lot of frustrated extroverts out there!

  The reality is, though, that if America is truly "of the people," we are not as extroverted as we've been led to believe. If we are not ready to pull up our stakes and head north, east, or in another direction that holds promise, perhaps we can import some of these introverted ideas:

  • Look to like-minded subgroups to provide you islands of calm, whether you know the people in the group (i.e., introverted friends) or not (i.e., quiet people at the coffeehouse).

  • Claim the power of silence and vagueness. American businessmen have been known to put themselves at a disadvantage by too readily putting their cards on the table while their Japanese counterparts stay calmly silent or provide a vague response. The quiet, less aggressive party is able to feel out the talker, gaining the advantage of more information and more time.

  • Dare to find wildness in nature—there are fewer people there.

  • Create space for yourself by planting a garden, clearing clutter, or honoring a mundane task.

  • Physical hardiness and a strong work ethic allow you to thrive in solitary places.

  • See the wisdom in holding back, staying put, and seeking harmony.

  • Some realities can be seen better in the dark.

  INTROVERTIA

  Though we can identify societies that nurture introversion, and there are many more to explore, the ideal society, our "Introvertia," is best designed from the inside out. What kind of society would you design? What features would you take from places you've been or places you imagine? To start the brainstorming, here are a few good ideas received from a few good introverts:

  • We would redesign our urban model around green space. —Doug

  • My ideal society is a dark coffee shop with lots of couches. Smoking is allowed, but there is a great air filtration system. Dark, chill, with lots of corners and nooks and crannies to hide in. Then, if you want to socialize, you could ask someone for a lighter.—Jessica

  • Manzanillo, Mexico, was the best place I have ever been.

  There, everybody dances, but I didn't feel very good about my skills (or lack thereof ) and didn't want to. To sum it up, they didn't care at all what decision I made and smiled and had a great time with me anyway.—Solveig

  • Anywhere where there are vast expanses of water (lake, rivers, marshlands) or land (mown grass, prairie grass fields), or extensive vistas (Grand Canyon, Washington State waterways). [A] society wherein people spoke slowly, clearly, and sparsely. Sort of like West Texas and Montana (ranching country). Activities rely more on accomplishments and less on social interaction as outcomes.—Phil

  • Provide nondenominational "chapels" or gardens, places like the English gardens, designed to accommodate melancholia—what used to be an accepted form of social isolation.—Doug

  • I loved living in Chicago. People in Chicago don't make eye contact with one another when they walk down the street. I didn't realize how comfortable I was with that until I moved away! And there's something to do ALL of the time in ANY price range.—Lisa

  • Portland has it all...including...its own chapter of the now international Church of Craft...where an introvert is free to craft away in a supportive environment and explore the work of others without feeling pressured into mandatory mingling. We even let extroverts join us... We're just that kind of open, gutsy group! —Suzanne

  • I like the café village culture of Europe, because there's cultural acceptance for finding a niche in the corner of a café or of the plaza and staying there all day. No one's rushing you out to accommodate the next customer. —Doug

  • No one would ever need to speak. We would communicate with thoughts and emotions, leaving only room for the 100 percent truth. If we felt a need to speak or sing, that would be accepted just the same, but we still could not lie. Our emotions would give us away. Also I think it would be nice to have some outward sign of feeling. For example, many animals' ears naturally turn a certain way to show how they feel. Back shows discomfort, to the side shows content, and forward demonstrates attention and awareness.—Solveig

  • For me, it would be first and foremost a much quieter and less rude society. Fewer bars, more walking paths. Less idle conversation, more reading. Fewer incursions into other nations' affairs, more resources devoted to domestic problems.—Don

  • It would be an island in the Caribbean with a handful of inhabitants from various countries. We would speak different languages, so that our communication would be more basic and nonverbal. The warmth would allow freedom of movement and little need for clothing. Havens of nature would provide privacy and inspiration. A new mode of transportation would allow trav
el to any point on earth without requiring a large airport.—Laurie

  • There's no sweeter feeling than when I'm driving on the back roads of West Virginia and no one knows where I am. There's something delicious about the world not knowing where I am.—Doug

  As you scan the places you dreamed of as a child, the havens you've discovered in your travels, and the ideas presented here, notice what themes emerge for you. Write or paint or just imagine your version of Introvertia. Then consider how you might create this society within your society. Can you bring in elements of Introvertia through your décor or your lifestyle? Even a small symbol can serve as a reminder. When I visited the Amazon, a shaman told me that I had the spirit of a pink dolphin, "quiet and intelligent." As I swam in the same waters that provided a home for these dolphins, I realized that I have always felt at home in water, that I gave my boys "dolphin rides" when they were little, and that I love swimming underwater. I have a carved pink dolphin in my office to remind me of this submerged home.

  Imagine importing pieces of the puzzle from the places you love and putting them together in the center of your life. In the next section, The Introvert's Wish List, we bring in some of these pieces and discuss how to set them up where you live, love, work, and play. You'll have plenty of room to customize the vision as you go.

  Part II:

  The Introvert's

  Wish List

  Chapter 6:

  A Room of Your

  Own

  A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.

  —Virginia Woolf

  Ahhh, a room of your own. When you were a kid, you may have been lucky enough to have your own room: a place where you kept your stuff, a place where you could be in charge, a place that reflected—whether through your stuffed animals or your rock band posters—what you cared about. Perhaps you even posted a "Keep Out" sign on the door. If you shared a room, you probably had a side or area that was yours. When my sister and I graduated from our bunks in the hallway to a shared room, I established an invisible dividing line between my side and my sister's—it cut right through the middle of the double bed. My side was Japanese-style, neat and uncluttered. My extroverted sister's side was a mess. What I had were drawers, little boxes, a red vinyl pencil case—containers that held my treasures. And I had my journals. I hid things in secret places. Private space was not a given in my home, so I learned to create it everywhere I could.

  Think about your room as a child. What items did you keep there? How did you decorate the space? Whether you got to pick the bedspread or not, your style was reflected in how you tended the space—packrat or minimalist, slob or neat freak, even your clutter reflected you. Maybe you established a room out of doors, in a tree house or shed, on the grass under a weeping willow, deep in the city or deep in the woods.

  Where is your room today? Perhaps this seems an odd question. Adults don't have a room—we get the whole apartment or house, plus an office or cubicle at work. As kids, we had to keep our stuff in just one room. Sure, it's nice to have influence over more spaces in the world—choosing where we live, decorating, and so on. But being so spread out has a downside: we no longer have a built-in "retreat center," a place where we can be assured of privacy, a place that is not decorated for visitors.

  After all that work of getting out of our parents' home, declaring our independence and setting up a life of our own, many of us discover that we have no place of our own. One day we look around and notice that we're living in a house with a shared kitchen, a shared living room with the TV blaring, shared bathrooms, and a shared bedroom. Help!

  It seems a cruel product of adulthood that we leave behind the concept of "my room"—that place that represents you, and only you. Maybe you do have such a place. For many of us it's an office at home. I think computers are popular for introverts, in part, because they give a message of "I'm busy" to potential intruders. Authors, musicians, and artists can often more easily justify designating space for an office or studio. But even if you can afford an extra "me" room—a room with no other function—you are in the minority if you feel free enough to make it truly yours.

  YOUR DREAM ROOM

  If you ask most people to describe their dream house, many of us could describe the dwelling in detail. But because the concept of "my room" fades with adult consciousness, you probably haven't given much thought to your dream room. So, here's your chance.

  For now, we're looking at indoor space—a place you can go to anytime, even when it's pouring rain outside. We'll start by constructing your dream room on paper. You can do this in the way that best fits you:

  • Jot notes in this book—it's yours, after all!

  • Jot notes somewhere else—journal, blank sheet, blank wall.

  • Draw or paint your vision if you're

  artistically inclined.

  Now go ahead and get what you need. It's okay—I'll mark your place.

  As you proceed with this exercise, please do not attempt to be practical or realistic. This is your dream room. Another thing: this room does not have to please anyone else, so you don't need to stick to conventional rules of decorating. Think kid's room with the kid in charge. Here are some choices to consider:

  This is where you left off while getting your supplies.

  Basics:

  What size of a room suits you?

  What kind of atmosphere or feeling are you going for?

  Location:

  Is your room attached to your home or freestanding?

  Do you want to face the morning sun or the setting sun?

  Do you prefer to be on ground level or an upper floor?

  What view do you prefer?

  Ceiling, Doors and Windows:

  How high is your ceiling?

  How much glass do you want and where—windows, skylights, walls?

  Where is the entry to your room?

  Do you want a separate door going outside?

  Would you like your own deck, balcony, or patio?

  Interior Elements:

  Would you like carpet, hardwood, or tile?

  Do you want heavy drapes, blinds, or no window coverings?

  Would you like a fireplace? What type?

  Do you prefer bright or subdued lighting?

  Do you want a closet or highly organized storage area?

  Let's pause here. Before we put any items in your room, imagine arriving here after a day out in public—a day of interruptions, noise, and talk. You have longed to retreat to this room all day. What are your needs? How do you want to re-energize?

  As you consider the room's function, what do you want in this room with you? Maybe you don't want anything—you just want to sit or lie down on the floor and breathe in the space. If you'd like to add more, here are some random ideas to stimulate your thinking:

  Style Options:

  Pillows, cushions, and soft throws

  Clean lines

  Antiques, Persian rugs

  High-tech, futuristic

  Color

  Earthy, adobe

  TV or movie theme

  Bring It In or Leave It Out?

  Tall bookcases with ladders to reach the higher shelves

  One really good book

  Great sound system and a library of CDs

  Desk—antique or modern

  Easel and paints

  Computer

  Guitar or grand piano

  Journal, notepads, pens, and stationery

  Couch or daybed

  Huge soft chair and ottoman

  One wall serves as a movie screen

  Television

  High-tech equipment

  Art—paintings, sculpture, pottery

  Animal companion(s)

  Let's take things a bit further: Are there any super-gaudy items you want to include that others would disapprove of? These may include toys, souvenirs, or just stuff you like but don't allow yourself. Think of your quirkiest desires, and go for it! It's your room, and yo
u can offend if you want to.

  Only in Your Room:

  Leg lamp

  Pink flamingo lawn ornaments

  Strings of lights

  Favorite action hero collection

  Barbie collection

  Neon

  Train and miniature village

  Duck decoys

  Velvet

  Elvis painting

  Rock collection

  SPECIFICATIONS FOR DON'S ROOM:

  • Big screen TV

  • Excellent sound system

  • Vast music collection

  • Kick-ass computer

  • Serious exercise equipment

  • Good books

  • Comfortable furniture

  • Day bed

  • Beautiful view

  • Musical instruments

  • Sports memorabilia

  • Mellow cat and/or dog

  At this point, you may find your room getting too cluttered. Feel free to remove items or expand the room, or both. Ask yourself which five items you would keep in the room if everything else had to go. This will give you clarity on what you value. Take a moment to move out anything that gets in the way of the free expression of who you are. Bring in anything required for that expression.

  Rest. Look around. Know that you can change your dream room anytime you like, and you can even create different models and pick your favorite.

  FROM DREAM TO REAL

  I had you do this exercise to begin to break you of the habit of decorating for other people and to begin making space for your inner life. Do you find yourself getting things ready—cleaning, fluffing pillows, arranging fresh flowers—only when you have company coming? Or if you do make things "just right" for you, do you relax and enjoy the space? It seems ironic that so many American homes maintain formal living rooms that are for display only, not for living! And, for introverts, the family room may easily become overstimulating—that is, if you have a family. From a young age, I was aware that the center of the home, the living room (we didn't have a formal one), was not my space—and it's still not. I fought this reality for years, but now happily relinquish the space much of the time to my husband and boys. I go to my room.