Whether or not you identify yourself as a writer, putting thoughts, ideas, and feelings on paper is a great way to get the inside out. Because cathartic writing, or journaling, is for your eyes only, you get to release what's inside while maintaining privacy. Go ahead, scream on the paper or whisper your secrets. It's your paper. Whether you just need to vent or have a book inside you, here are some tips for getting started:
• Write daily. Even a small chunk of time, fifteen or twenty minutes each day, gets your mind oriented to what you're putting on the paper. Just as small, frequent meals aid metabolism of food, small, frequent writing sessions aid metabolism of ideas. I tell my clients that the time between sessions is as important as the time in session. Therapy is most effective when the client has the capacity to metabolize ideas raised in the sessions, to come in hungry next time, and obtain more food for thought. Writing works the same way. The best writing generates more to think about, and more to write.
• Make it easy. Have your materials ready. If you want a special "container" for your thoughts, take the time to browse the aisle of journals at your favorite bookstore. I think of a journal in the way Mr. Ollivander of the Harry Potter world regarded the right wand: it will pick you. On the other hand, some beautiful journals are left untouched because the writer is afraid to spoil it. A journal is not effective if it inhibits the writer. Sometimes a cheap notebook is a better option. Or, look in the dollar bins at a large craft or discount store. I have found some lovely journals this way, and I feel free to waste as many pages as I want.
• Write crap. As Ann Lamott puts it in Bird by Bird, write "shitty first drafts." If you are writing only for yourself, the function is just to get it out: forget punctuation and grammar. Practice not editing. Write down your shopping list if that's on your mind, or write about why you don't want to write. See if you can "talk" on paper. Listen to your thoughts and record what they say. If you are writing for literary purposes, practice shitty first drafts, and go back and edit your work as many times as necessary.
• Tell the truth. This is the writer's mantra. You'll feel tempted to filter and soften what's inside you. Catch yourself, and write the raw truth. As Natalie Goldberg says in her inspiring manual, Wild Mind, "Writing is the crack through which you can crawl into a bigger world, into your wild mind." Take on the challenge of finding words for the truth, rather than making truth fit your words.
• Write your pain. James W. Pennebaker and his associates at the University of Texas have conducted extensive research on the benefits of journaling. His findings: if you want relief, write about your most upsetting experiences, write through the pain, and connect painful events with your life story. Getting to the tough stuff was a key factor in helping people feel better and move on.
• Respect your writing. If it is time to write, don't wait until you have time. Make commitments to yourself, and ask others to hold you accountable. You can commit to a certain amount of time each day, or to a quota. For her creativity course, Julia Cameron assigns three full "morning pages" per day and, for those wanting a literary life, See insists on one thousand words a day. Find what fits you, and fit it in.
• Record life. Anne Lamott emphasizes the importance of taking notes rather than trusting memory. Her advice: always carry a pen and some index cards. Jot down enough to remind you of your ideas and observations, then pull out your cards at your daily writing session and expand.
Artists wear black to keep the paint stains from showing so much. But honestly, I like to be in the background. Black helps me feel that way.
—Mark Wolfe on why artists wear black
BEYONDWORDS
Are you a doodler? Do you salivate at the sight of paints and brushes? Are you looking for an unrestricted form of expression? Art and music go beyond words to capture what is inside. The artist may not even know the meaning of his creation until stepping back from it in the end. Sometimes meaning does not emerge, only expression. The vast range of artistic and musical styles reminds us that the inner life is rich and exciting, and that there is plenty to go around.
The tips for writing apply to all art forms: make room, get your stuff, commit, and have the courage to create crap. Get a jumbo-sized box of crayons and access your childlike freedom of expression. If you want to get serious, pick up a guide to materials and techniques, such as The New Artist's Manual by Simon Jennings. If you don't like to paint or draw, cut out images from magazines, arrange them on posterboard, and create a collage. If you are drawn to the refined, take up calligraphy or grow a bonsai. Through dance or yoga, your body can do the talking. Sing your own song or pound on the piano or drums. If talk bores you, there are plenty of other options for self-expression. Find your language and develop it.
Julia Cameron's creativity manuals, The Artist's Way and Vein of Gold, are great resources for helping you discover and express your gifts. If you're intimidated by artistic expression, surrealist painter Salvador Dali offers these helpful reminders: "Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing," and "Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it."
I like music you can't classify, that you can't put in a certain genre, although they do it anyway. I like heavy, insane, beautiful, melodic, screaming. It can't stay the same the whole way though, it has to take you to different plateaus. Extreme bliss to infinite sadness.
—Ben, musician and composer
HAVING THE STAGE
Yes, many introverts love the stage. This reality is baffling to many extroverts: "You must be an extrovert—you like to perform!" Extroversion has very little to do with performing. In fact, the expression of internal contents without interruption is a very introverted desire. Doing improvisational work may require more extroversion, but acting requires a good dose of introversion. Good acting relies on developing a character: a flesh-and-blood person with a history, a style, and a story. An actor also needs to be able to access memories of feelings and reactions and, as acting coaches point out, the ability to listen is key.
Performing, whether through drama, comedy, music, or dance, is attractive to many introverts. Introverted thespians enjoy the freedom of expression that acting allows, but also appreciate the protection offered by character and script. This is why the actor who is flawless on the screen may be awkward and rather tongue-tied during a live interview. Let's hear from some of our natural performers:
I [am] far more comfortable getting up and speaking or even performing before a crowd of people than most of the extroverts I [know]...But put me within a large social group where everyone is randomly interacting, I many times feel it's simply not worth the effort to make myself heard.
—Suzanne
For me, I get to hide behind my guitar.
—David
I used to perform in high school plays/musicals and loved it. It was an opportunity to be someone totally different. I would say introverts enjoy performing because it allows them to express...feelings, emotions... They would not usually express in their "real" life. I think sometimes the assumption is made that the introvert does not have these feelings or passions, but they do... They are just slow or loathe to express them.
—Karen
The stage is a place where I can assume...a larger personality than what I show in mundane daily life... My wife often remarks how reticent and reserved I can be sometimes on social outings, but put me on a stage and I become this much more "out there" figure. The stage is a place of unlocking those parts of myself I don't give permission—or am not given permission—to express in daily life.
—Doug
Comedy is my everything. It pumps through my blood. I love making people laugh, making them feel good, which is why I like to perform.
—Jessica
Even if you have no interest in getting on stage, the ability to assume a role can be extremely useful in stressful situations. If you pretend to be a more expressive person, the character can say what you script, while the rest of you watches.
INTROVERSI
ON DIVERSIONS
As an alternative to releasing what's inside, a compelling diversion can help you out of your own head for a while. For me, there is nothing like a dark movie theatre and a big screen to pull me into a different world. Getting lost in a book, walking in nature, listening to music, meditating in silence—whatever it is, find your introversion diversion and let it take you out, regularly. Let's take a closer look at some of our favorite alternative realities:
I have a bookcase inside my closet in my room, and I love opening the closet door and sitting in front of my bookcase, to either read certain passages, reminisce with certain books or notebooks, or just rearrange them. I never realized how books can be almost erotic.
—Cecilia
Books, books, books! We can't seem to get enough of them. A good book is like a friend waiting for you at home, providing comfort and familiarity alongside excitement and adventure. In contrast to "quick fix" diversions, a book lets the reader inside. You have time to get to know the character—her thoughts and secret yearnings—to live inside of a story, or to master a subject. Through a single book of nonfiction, you can obtain inside knowledge gleaned from a lifetime of experience. And through fiction, you can inhabit another life, another time, even another world. Reading is like travel, allowing you to exit your own life for a bit, and to come back with a renewed, even inspired, perspective.
And books themselves, even unopened, have an enchanted quality, especially for introverts. I think this is because, in a bookstore, library, or next to a bookcase, we are with our people: thinkers, dreamers, others like us who relish time and solitude.
If a good book is a friend, some become lifetime companions—or as one instructor put it, your "soul books." The story that calls you back, over and over again, is like your greater Self, ever abundant and generative, yet completely yours. Discovering your soul book, or your soul author, is like coming home. Sure, you are fed and strengthened by the story. But, mostly, you just like hanging out inside.
Books and movies both create the same response. I can become part of either. If something embarrassing happens in a book or movie, I will actually blush. I won't even tell you what impact the line "Scarecrow, I'll miss you most of all" still has on me. (I've watched The Wizard of Oz a couple of dozen times, and I always identify most with the Scarecrow.) I've read The Lord of the Rings over twenty times. I can become so absorbed that once I read the whole trilogy in a single weekend.
—Dave
Melting into the movies. Art, literature, music, and film all offer a bigger version of our experience, allowing us to fold inside something safe and relax. The elements of the movie theatre contribute to this embrace. You sit in a cushioned seat, comforting food beside you, in the dark womb of the theatre, and the Big Screen becomes your world. Ideally, you would have the theatre all to yourself, and I have actually enjoyed this luxury during some of my midweek, midday screenings. But even when the space is shared, anonymity rules, and other viewers soon become swallowed in darkness.
Many introverts prefer their movies at home, especially if the cinemas within reach are overcrowded. While I love the movies brought in by our local film festival, I often pass because I know too many people at the showings. But when I can be anonymous and melt into the darkness, nothing rivals the real thing.
You sit back and see a place: a bar, perhaps, or a front lawn, or a war zone. The filmmaker creates a mood through lighting, color tones, and the angles of the camera. You just ride. Whatever is on the screen takes on significance: the green of the grass, the heroine's lipstick, the sound of footsteps. In the safety of the theatre, you can laugh out loud and cry tears you have held too long.
After the credits roll, as you leave the theatre, you hold on to your perspective as a viewer. You notice things: people exiting and dispersing in various combinations, the coolness or warmth of the air, the snap of a car door as it closes. Your mind's eye is also sensitized: you reflect on the movie and on your life. From the perspective of the viewer, your life seems more interesting than usual, more significant.
This cinematic perspective is what inspired me to develop my version of "movie therapy," or what I have sometimes called "movie meditation." Here's how it works:
Schedule a movie a week, and clear at least twenty minutes for post-movie reflections. Pick a show time when the theatre is less crowded, and go solo. Bring a notebook or journal if you like, and have a comfortable place to go, by yourself, after the show. Having a coffeehouse or café close by is ideal, or you may prefer to walk outside.
Then try it. Leave your cell phone off after the movie and savor the afterglow. If you have a journal, you might want to write your reflections, or begin the screenplay of your life. Try writing the scene around you and describing yourself in third person.
The practice of movie therapy can help you appreciate and enjoy the artistic value of your own life. In life, we strive for control and guarantees. In a movie, we like not knowing. Practice viewing your own life cinematically. Step back and enjoy the not knowing. When things get harder or life takes a turn, see the challenge as plot thickener and remind yourself that the plot will resolve. Notice the artistic quality of your day, i.e., how you get dressed or put on makeup, what you see as you walk to your mailbox, the expressions on the face of a loved one. Add music for effect.
Eclectic expressions. Introverts find many and varied ways of expressing and stepping back from the action inside. Here's a very small sampling:
• Studying languages is one of the most prominent ways I express myself. The way English words sound does not always express my ideas and feelings accurately. For example, hermosa expresses the word beautiful far better for me, but hermosa is Spanish. I've been working to close language gaps almost every day.—Solveig
• One quirky thing I like to do is visit cemeteries...I think they are beautiful. Not sure too many folks enjoy them, but I do. Especially if it is foggy and cool.—Karen
• Golf, lately.—David
• Running alone. This gives me complete control over path and speed. It allows me to shake up my thoughts and emotions—literally through movement. Running lets me express what is inside of me by enabling it to flow through my entire body...I tend to move from running to writing to talking if I really want to express and understand what is inside of me.—Beth
• [Watching], whenever possible, a major league baseball game.—Don
• I'm passionate about figuring out what my problem is and becoming peaceful. I also like little art projects like snowflakes, cards, and boxes. I love cleaning. I LOVE NATURE!! HIKING, OCEAN, LAKES, RIVERS, FIELDS, EVERYTHING!! I love one-on-one conversations. —Jessica
• Creating things like good meals in the kitchen and good letters for fonts on the computer.—Annie, font designer
• Crossword puzzles...Playing with and walking our dog and helping get dogs adopted at Arlington's animal shelter.—Ingrid Though our discussion has focused on the personal benefits of self-expression, there's more to this story. Introverts paradoxically pull away from culture and create culture. We provide perspective that is seasoned by time and experience, nourished by thought and imagination, and fueled by desire. And our hungry society is ready to hear from us.
Chapter 19:
Moshing on Your
Own Terms
You have to systematically create confusion, it sets creativity free. Everything that is contradictory creates life.
—Salvador Dali
Ben is an introvert: thoughtful, rooted, "chill," yet kind and gentle. He has a calming manner about him and, in his presence, people feel safer and more relaxed. He's a big guy, and typically wears black; he recently traded in his dreadlocks for a cropped, jet-black haircut. His appearance may seem intimidating to strangers, but it filters out the ignorant. He embodies a beautiful mix of Shadow Dweller and Accessible Introvert. He's smart and he works hard, landscaping or delivering pizzas between his shifts as a lab engineer and production instructor, playing industrial met
al guitar, composing, and producing. His music contrasts with his calm demeanor, as do his favorite bands. And Ben has been known to mosh.
There is no such thing as a "pure" introvert. We all have times when we want to get into the mix, even if the mix happens in bed with a lover, or at the family table in the midst of a heated political debate. My extroverted friend recently told me that I am more extroverted one-on-one than she is: I like a good argument with my husband; she prefers intimate exchanges to flow without conflict. In general, introverts become more extroverted when the group is smaller and intimate, and/or when participants share a common interest. A Goth may be reclusive during school, but at a party among close friends, he rises from—or I should say with—the dead.
But because of the ongoing pressure introverts feel to convert to extroversion, we reflexively duck when the topic of extroverting comes up. How do we maintain integrity as introverts, and at the same time allow our natural extroverted tendencies to emerge?
The answer: organically. We mosh best when we feel like moshing. The T'ai Chi symbol illustrates that introversion (yin) flows into extroversion (yang) and extroversion flows into introversion. Each specialty houses the nucleus of the other. When the introvert is safe, she can extrovert. When the extrovert is safe, he can introvert.
But note that, before yin flows into yang, yin expands—just as a wave swells before it diminishes. Pressure to reduce introversion can reverse the sequence: we deny the preference for peace and quiet and become stressed pseudo-extroverts. Then, as we get stronger and more confident, we give up the sham and return home to introversion; we don't venture beyond to extroversion.
A more natural sequence starts by going with what comes naturally—what generates the most energy—and riding it out. If we can't do this early, we do it later, but we deserve a chance to ride the wave as far as it will take us. This is why most of this book is about expanding and accepting everything introverted.
Introvert Power Page 21