“This is Master Sargent Dexter Russell. I am here to check on my fiancée, Elena Lopez. “
Dex paused as the response came regarding bullshit restrictions, limiting disruptions in programming, and therapeutic milieu, whatever the hell that was. “Listen, ma’am. I understand you are just doing your job, but I didn’t fly in from Afghanistan to stand here and listen to this crap. So, I suggest you find someone with the authority to comply with my request. Now!”
That demand was met with silence. The feminine voice was replaced by a male claiming to be Dr. So-and-So. Dex’s rigid stance eased when the doctor informed him that he would be right out to speak with him.
He resumed his pacing, this time across the worn carpeting in the hallway. He frowned in disgust as he looked around. The hospital was in obvious need of renovation. She’s not staying in this dump another night, Dex resolved. He turned when he heard the locks disengage and saw a young doctor who looked to be only about twenty-five exit the unit. Dex frowned. Is this the best they had to offer Elena, a kid just barely out of medical school? He offered his hand introducing himself as Dr. Wilkins, Elena’s attending psychiatrist. He ushered Dex to an office down the hall, outside the locked unit and farther away from Elena.
Seething with frustration, he tamped it down and followed, desperately seeking information. The doctor offered Dex a seat in a tattered wingback chair in his medium-sized office while he moved around to sit at his desk and reached for a file. Although he was crawling with agitation and felt like he was going to detonate at any second like an IED, Dex sat and waited.
“I understand you are Elena’s fiancé, Sargent,” he continued without waiting for confirmation. “Elena had a very serious suicide attempt and is very lucky to be alive today.”
His hands came up and speared through his hair in frustration. “Doctor, I can’t understand what could have happened to bring her to this point. We were happy. When we got engaged last December, we started making plans for our future. She has a very promising music career, a great family and supportive friends. I am absolutely floored and need some answers.”
“Unfortunately, even if I had the answers, I couldn’t give them to you without her permission. She has shut down, Sargent. Her depression is so deep she has lost hope. She is refusing to see all of her friends, he parents, her brother, and specifically you. I wanted to see if you could take a look at something and possibly give me some insight.”
“What would that be?”
“It’s a note she left.” He looked intently at Dex. “It’s her suicide note.” He pulled a wrinkled piece of paper from a file folder.
Dex sucked in a breath when he took it and saw the brown stains on it. Blood stains. He looked up in question.
“She cut both her wrists, Sargent. Her intent was to die last Saturday.”
Tears pooled in his eyes and threatened to roll down his anguished face. His sweet Elena, the light of his life had been dealing with something so unbearable she felt it was preferable to end her life than go on. Knowing her strong Catholic upbringing, he was stunned. He read the note containing what Elena believed would be her last words on this earth. Her last message to those she was certain she was leaving behind.
I’m sorry for taking the coward’s way out, but I am so desolate I can’t go on.
Please know that I love you Mama and Papa. You did not fail me, I have failed you and wasted all the years you loved and sacrificed for me. I know I am a big disappointment. I accept all the blame. You were the best of parents and I regret that you will never have the grandbabies you wanted to shower with all the love in your hearts.
My beautiful Dex, mi amo, fate is indeed a cruel master. I can’t even beg your forgiveness because I know this cowardly act is unforgivable. I am not strong like you. I can’t imagine a future that does not include this all-encompassing pain. You are the love of my life, but you deserve so much more than a mere shell of a woman. I’m ruined, broken, annihilated. I will not allow you to contaminate your life by irrevocably tying it with mine and dragging you down with me. Please don’t grieve for me, my love. You are the most honorable man I have ever known. Find someone who will not taint your pureness of heart. Be happy and find someone worthy, for I do not deserve you. I will never know your light again, but please shine it on someone that loves you as much as I do.
God have mercy on me.
Elena
Dex was stunned. She really had planned to end her life. Unable to contain his emotions, overcome by the sheer agony of her words, he sobbed and his big hands clutched at his gut as the pain racked his body. What had caused the utter devastation in his Elena that had brought her to this point?
“Doc, the woman who wrote this, is not my Elena. It’s not the same laughing, joyful, loving woman I left here six months ago. Something happened.”
“Sargent, I’ve seen notes like this before. Her utter desolation, the finality of the words, and the self-loathing, usually points to a woman who has been victimized and blames herself. I have shared this with her parents and they are as much in the dark as you. They can only describe the slow spiral into depression that started not long after you returned overseas. They said that shortly after her car accident she stopped eating, couldn’t sleep, and refused to see her friends, even her best friends Regan and Lexie. According to everyone I’ve spoken to, she had a sudden change in personality and is the antithesis of the happy young woman you all describe.” He leaned forward and looked deeply into Dex’s tormented eyes.
“You think she was assaulted or raped, don’t you?”
“Yes, but she won’t tell anyone. Look at these words,” he pointed to the note. “Tainted, desolate, contaminated, annihilated…whatever happened she feels it is devastatingly final, irreparable. Our job is going to be convincing her that isn’t the case.”
“Can I see her?”
“Although she has refused to see anyone, I think it may be therapeutic. She is here under an involuntary commitment order. She wants to leave but I can’t get her to contract for safety.” He explained this seeing Dex’s frown of confusion. “Sorry, psych jargon, that’s a verbal contract where we get suicidal patients to promise not to harm themselves or to at least seek treatment if they start having thoughts of suicide again. I firmly believe if we were to release Elena today, she would do it again.” He watched Dex. This huge, mountain of a man looked like he might shatter. “Do you think you can handle seeing her? She won’t be like you are used to. When she woke after the attempt she was spitting mad that she hadn’t succeeded. Now, she is practically catatonic. She lies in bed with her eyes open, staring. She may nod or shake her head, but has spoken very few words other than yes or no. She is refusing to eat and is down to about ninety-five pounds. Somehow we have to get through to her, even if it is against her wishes.”
“I want to see her Doc. No matter how bad it is. I love her. I want to help her. I need to.”
“OK, let’s go then.”
Dex followed Dr. Wilkins through the locked double doors into the psychiatric unit. The same dull, drab colors as in the hallways and waiting areas covered the walls of the inpatient unit. And for some odd reason that really ticked him off. What the hell kind of place was this for depressed people? It would depress anyone to be locked up in this dump. The doctor led Dex through another set of locked doors, explaining that they were entering an acute care unit where the sickest patients were housed under close observation and security to keep them from harming themselves or others.
“Are there violent patients here that could hurt her?”
“This unit is very well staffed and the patients are constantly supervised. She is not in any danger from others, only from herself. Here we are.”
They paused in front of a patient room with a large observation window. Elena was lying on the twin bed facing the window. Her eyes were open and she was staring at the empty space in front of her. She didn’t look up when he and the doctor stopped, seemingly unaware of their presence. His hear
t ached for his little light. He wanted to comfort her, ease her emotional pain but he also wanted to shake her and spank her for her behavior, scold her for hurting herself and for scaring the shit out of everyone. His eyes left her beautiful face and wandered down her body. She appeared frighteningly thin since the last time he’d seen her. She had lost at least ten pounds and on her already small frame it really showed.
She had always been his perfect type of woman. She had an athletic build, but still had curves that were perfectly proportioned for her frame. Dex never liked a bag of bones in his bed. He frowned because although still beautiful, that is what she looked like now. Her face was pale and drawn and the shapeless scrubs that she wore were loose and baggy on her tiny body. His eyes locked onto the thick gauze bandages on both wrists. It was shocking to have visible proof of the almost unbelievable tale her parents and the doctor had told him.
He looked at her bandaged wrists for a long time then returned his gaze to her face. Her eyes were still open but she was now looking at him. Her gaze was steady and her eyes were dull and emotionless. They stared at each other for a long time, then without any facial expression or outward response she rolled over and presented him with her back. Dex looked at the doctor. He grimaced and nodded, non-verbally telling him this was expected. “Go in and talk to her, see if you can get through.” The doctor opened the door and then returned to the observation window. Dex knew he remained in case he was needed to intervene with Elena.
Dex stood by her bedside and looked down at her for several minutes. He then sat on the edge of her narrow bed, his thigh brushing her backside as he reached out a hand in a familiar caress across her hip and down her thigh. “Elena, my love, won’t you even look at me?” No response. He tried again. “Little Light, you’re breaking my heart. Whatever it is, we can get through this, as long as we’re together.”
Elena rolled to her back and looked at him with a small glimmer in her eyes. “Together? Are you home for good?”
“No,Chiquita. I took leave to come back and see you when I heard you were…” he paused searching for an innocuous word, “when I heard you were hurt and in the hospital.”
“Then we’re not together. Go away, Dex. I don’t want to see you again. Go back to your life and forget you ever knew me. You deserve better. Mama has your ring, I’ll get it back to you.”
“I don’t give a crap about a ring, goddammit. I care about you. What’s going on Elena? Something must have happened. Please tell me.” He begged her to tell him but she refused to speak anymore. When Dex moved to the other side of the bed, she closed her eyes and pushed him away as effectively as if she had physically shoved him. After about fifteen minutes of no response, the doctor lightly knocked on the glass door and signaled that it was time to go. Dex leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on her cheek. He gently brushed her dark hair off her face and tucked it behind her ear. It used to be so shiny and soft. Now it was dull and lifeless, just like his Elena. Dex wanted to scream and shout at her. He wanted to put his fist through the brick wall. He wanted to pick her up in his strong arms and carry her out of there, to take her away to someplace where he could hold her, care for her; love her - just the two of them.
In the end he whispered his love for her in her ear, kissed her gently on the forehead and then had to walk away. He wasn’t her husband yet and had no legal rights. Plus, she was under a psychiatric hold and wouldn’t be released until her doctor or a judge decided she could. Powerless, he had to leave her there behind locked doors where he couldn’t see her, touch her, hold her.
The doctor told him he was encouraged that she had spoken more than two words to him and asked him to come back the next day to try again. Of course, he would. He would do anything for his little light. He would move heaven and earth to heal her if he could. He left the unit and went to the waiting room where her parents anxiously awaited news. They rushed over when they saw him.
“Did you see her? Is she all right? How did she look?” Maria unleashed a string of rapid-fire questions before he put up a hand as if to physically stop her words.
“She was awake and alert. She isn’t speaking or eating, just lying in that awful room on that awful bed. She is pale and looks emaciated. Why they hell didn’t you do something before it got to this point? Why didn’t you call central command? I would have come back sooner!” Dex was angry with her parents for letting it go so far, but he knew ranting at the guilt stricken couple would do no one any good, including Elena.
Dex paced for a few minutes then took a deep breath to calm him. “I didn’t intend to lambaste you with my anger. She looks horrible and we have got to do something. I’m calling a specialist and I’ll need your help if we want to get her moved out of here.”
“Dex,” Hector interrupted. “She has no insurance; that’s why they brought her here. We wanted her to go to St Paul’s, the private hospital, but we have no way to pay for that.”
“I have money. I just don’t have any authority. Dammit, we should have gotten married before I went back in January. I wanted to, but she wanted her dream wedding. Christ, this wouldn’t have happened if we had gone to the courthouse like I wanted to.”
“Dex, don’t do this to yourself. Maria and I have been beating ourselves up about this and been racked with guilt the past five days trying to figure what we could have done differently. But, woulda, coulda, shoulda’s aren’t going to change what happened.”
“Christ! She asked me if I was going to be staying. What was I supposed to say? I can’t get out of my contract immediately, these things take time. I’ve got two weeks of leave then have to be back. If she was my wife already things would be different.” Dex turned toward the elevator. “Whatever happens, I’m not leaving her in this dump. I’ll get back to you with details when I have everything arranged.”
Dex had his phone out and was setting the wheels in motion before the door to the stairwell closed behind him. The first call was to his dad, a retired Army medical officer now in private practice in Austin. He could get some things moving on specialists and a referral to a better facility. Dr. Wilkins seemed knowledgeable but he was not leaving his bride-to-be in a dirty, rundown hospital psych unit with who-knew-what kind of violent patients and probably less than stellar staffing ratios. This, in fact, was the only thing he could control in this fucked up situation, so he moved on it.
By Friday afternoon, Elena had been moved to St. Paul’s Hospital, which was a new facility. Her new psychiatrist was a woman with expertise in treating trauma victims. They had more liberal visitation policies, although still maintained the same stringent rules that would ensure Elena’s safety.
By Saturday, Elena had agreed to see her mother alone. She was also asking to see Father Charlie who was the pastor from the church she had attended all of her life. The priest, was also sworn to uphold Elena’s confidences, but did disclose that she had made her confession and asked for absolution. He had also told them she had acknowledged that she knew that suicide was a mortal sin and that she had promised Father Charlie, never to attempt it again.
By Wednesday, the reports were that she was doing better, a little brighter, had started eating a bit and was attending some individual and group therapy sessions. She still insisted that she didn’t want to see Dex, her father, or her stepbrother Luis who hadn’t come to the hospital but had asked his dad about visitation.
By the following Friday, after four days in ICU and nine days in the inpatient psychiatric unit, her doctor declared her safe for discharge to their day treatment program. She would stay at her parent’s home and attend daily therapy sessions from 9am-4pm. She would also see her counselor and psychiatrist daily.
Elena asked that only her parents come to pick her up when she was discharged. They had encouraged her to see Dex, but had not pushed, afraid to upset her too much since she was still so fragile. Dex had agreed to no such plan and arrived on Friday evening for a surprise visit. He had to return to his unit soon and in fact had a flight o
ut on Sunday. He wasn’t leaving there without talking with Elena and having a firm commitment from her.
Dex waited impatiently for her on her parent’s front porch. He watched the Lopez’s van pull into the driveway. Hector got out and moved quickly to the porch when he spotted Dex. “Now son, I know you want to see her but I won’t have her upset.”
“Hector, she’s my fiancée and I have to leave in forty-eight hours. With all due respect, I don’t care what you want or what she wants right now. I have to get through to her and make sure she is OK before I have to go back.”
“Son.” Hector hesitated, torn between what his daughter wanted and what she needed. He knew she needed Dex.
“It’s OK, Papa. I’ll talk with him.” Elena’s sweet, soft voice sounded behind the men and they both turned to see her climb the steps beside her mother. She looked better than when Dex saw her last week. She had some color in her cheeks and her hair and clothes were clean and neat. She still looked tired and much too thin.
Elena hugged her mother and gave her father a brief smile, then crossed the porch and sat down on the swing. Dex looked at her parents who excused themselves, her father stating, “I’ll be right inside if you need me, Niña” before closing the front door behind them.
Dex jumped right in. Master Sargent Russell, dominant alpha male stood front and center as he started telling her how it would be. “I have made arrangements for us to be married tomorrow, that way I can be back stateside in about thirty days. Until then you’ll stay with your parents. Then, when I’m discharged I’ll move you into my place.”
Elena shook her head sadly and answered softly, “I can’t marry you tomorrow Dex.”
“Nonsense, you can still plan a big wedding and party like you dreamed. I just need this to happen so I can get home. Once you’re my wife I can access other leave benefits.”
“No, I can’t marry you… ever, Dex.”
“Bullshit! We love each other! Whatever this is we’ll get through it.”
Little Light of Mine (Club Decadence) Page 4