When the second song ended, Nick wiped his forehead with his shirtsleeve. “It’s really hot in here. Do you want to go outside and get some air?”
Suddenly I got scared. Outside we’d be alone. He’d probably want to go off into the woods. I didn’t want anything to happen that I couldn’t control. I smiled. “Let’s keep dancing for now,” I said.
We danced another fast dance, and then Diana changed the record and announced to the room that this would be the last song and then everybody could help her clean up. There was a chorus of groans, particularly from the boys. Nick and I exchanged smiles and stood together, waiting for the music to start again. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, then pulled them out, hooking his thumbs in his belt loops. I kept my arms folded across my chest. I looked around the room. One couple near us was just standing there kissing. It was Caroline and a guy named Alex. Min had had a crush on him in the beginning of the year. I’d have to remember to tell her when I saw her.
The first single notes of “Stairway to Heaven” came on. I almost swooned. I had always wanted to dance to that song. Every time it came on the radio or was played at a school dance, it sent shivers through me. I hoped Nick wouldn’t decide he had to get a drink right then. I looked at him. I didn’t care that my face showed so obviously what I wanted.
He was saying something to a friend of his sitting on the arm of one of the couches, using little hand gestures I didn’t recognize. They grinned at each other, and then he turned toward me and, without asking, without even really looking at me, brought his arms up around me. I put my hands on his back. His shirt was damp. We were almost the same height. He smelled of cigarettes and something sweet that reminded me of my father’s aftershave. He started to sway, and I followed him, our feet barely moving as we turned in a slow circle. We were sticking to each other from perspiration. I let the side of my head rest against his and closed my eyes, smiling. I could hardly believe I was finally in his arms.
After a while his hand slowly moved across my back, gripping me tighter. Nick was holding me, he really liked me. I had never been so happy. I gripped him tighter too, trying to keep my sweaty hands from slipping off his shirt. When his hand kept going I realized he was trying to feel the side of my breast. A cold shock went through me. Even my brain felt paralyzed. He couldn’t reach and gave up. Then he inched one hand down my back and under my shirt, so that his palm was on the skin of my waist. His warm hand against my back felt comforting, but then it started to travel up toward my bra. This wasn’t going the way I’d imagined. Maybe my mother was right about boys. I felt like he was trying to get away with something without my knowing.
Trying to be casual, I brought my arm from his back and pulled away to scratch my nose, making him take his hand off me and wait. I tucked my shirt in, then moved close to him again. He said into my ear, “You feel so good.” I liked hearing that, but it made me nervous.
All I wanted was for this slow dance to go on forever. I wanted to stay in our little circle, swaying from one foot to the other, the bounds of the universe as wide as the reach of our arms. I had dreamed for so long of this moment, of being held tightly in the arms of a boy I could almost say I loved, a boy who wanted to be with me and not with somebody else.
The tempo of the song started to speed up, but we didn’t. He kept one hand on my waist, where I could feel the grip of each finger and his thumb. As the music got more frenzied, I seemed to go into a trance. I wondered when I could start calling Nick my boyfriend. Did I have to wait until after he kissed me? I wondered when he would give me his ring or his chain necklace. He moved his head, then I felt cool air against my neck. It tickled. The breeze stopped, then it started again. I opened my eyes. Nick was blowing against my neck like an air conditioner.
I pulled my head back, loosening my hold a little, hoping he would stop. He said, “Took you long enough,” and then he kissed me. His lips mashed into mine so hard it hurt. He pulled back, licked his lips, and then came at me again. This time his tongue pushed against my mouth. I kept my teeth clenched. He got my lips open and his tongue slid around the surface of my teeth. I suddenly was aware that his hand had found its way up the back of my shirt. My bare back was exposed to the whole room. All around me the guitars were thrashing away, the music building up and up in a frenzy of instruments.
Nick pulled away. “What’s wrong?” He asked it like he was concerned. There was something about the way his hair hung down over his forehead that made my heart melt. I remembered that this was the same Nick I walked home with, sharing basketball stories.
I said, “Slow down. You’re going too fast.”
He looked hurt, and I cursed myself for telling him outright. My mother said it was all a game. You had to coax a boy into doing what you wanted, while he tried the same thing with you. We were still moving, not in circles anymore, just back and forth. He said, “I’m sorry. I guess that’s just my way.”
He pulled his hand from under my shirt and wrapped his arms around me again. He really did care about me. I put my cheek against his. Then the music stopped. I held my breath. These were the last few seconds I would have him with me like this, while the singer, a cappella, sang the last line of the song.
There was silence in the room. For that moment I was perfectly happy. Then somebody turned on the overhead lights. I blinked, surprised that the walls were covered with a shiny silver wallpaper. Nick and I pulled apart from each other. In the bright light, it was hard to look him in the eye for some reason. As the other kids started talking and moving around, Nick said, “Can I walk you home?”
I remembered suddenly how I had gotten there. On the dance floor, I had completely forgotten about Min. I said, “Well, I’m staying at Min’s house tonight,” for the first time wishing it wasn’t true. Then I felt guilty. I was a terrible friend.
“That’s okay. I’ll walk you both home.”
“Her mother was going to pick us up. Let me check with her.” I was excited now. I didn’t want to say goodnight to him. “I’ll be right back,” I promised.
“I’ll be here.” He grinned at me, then turned to Caroline and Alex next to us. They were still kissing. “Hey, knock it off, you two,” he said, rapping Alex on the arm with his knuckles. “The party’s over.”
I didn’t have any idea what time it was. I started toward the hall to find Min upstairs and saw her a few yards away from where Nick and I had been dancing, near the door. She was leaning with one shoulder against the wall, her arms crossed, holding a ginger ale can in one hand. She looked bored and faintly amused and cool, more like somebody in a rock and roll band than ever, even if she was a girl. Seeing her made my skin feel prickly, like I had developed a sudden rash. I hadn’t expected to see her there. She was watching everybody funnel back into their all-boy and all-girl groups as they left the room. I wondered if Min had come downstairs in time to see. I had slow-danced with Nick! I wondered what the whole class would be saying on Monday, and if I would be one of the people they talked about. I wanted them to be envious of me for once.
I touched Min on the shoulder. She turned her head, then pushed herself from the wall and flipped her hair behind her shoulder.
“Hi,” she said. She was smiling, but not in her usual way when she was happy to see me.
“Min, about getting to your house—”
“I called my mother,” she said. “She said we can walk back if we want.”
“That’s what I wanted to ask you. Nick wants to walk us home.”
“I doubt it’s us he wants to walk with,” she said. She brought her can to her lips and finished what was inside, shaking the last drops out. I realized she’d seen me dancing with Nick after all. I thought she’d be happy for me. I would have been if she had danced with somebody. But not with Nick, I realized. He was different. I wondered how long I had been thinking of him as mine.
“How long have you been down here?” I asked her.
“A while.”
I was thinking of the last s
ong and my universe inside Nick’s arms. “Did you see—”
“Yeah.” She dropped the can on the floor and crushed it with her sneaker. I picked it up and threw it at the wastebasket in the corner, sinking it.
Then I remembered how Nick had pushed my shirt up my back and mashed his mouth against mine. For a minute or two I had forgotten. It hadn’t all been perfect. I tried to imagine what we had looked like from where Min was standing. Instead I remembered how nice it felt when Min and I practiced. If we hadn’t done that, would I have liked Nick’s kissing more? Maybe something was wrong with me now. Maybe I had messed myself up somehow by kissing a girl.
We were silent. Then she said, “Mom’s waiting for us at home. I don’t want her to start worrying.”
Outside, the ground was damp and the tall trees dripped water down on our heads. There was an almost-full moon high in the black sky. As we started down the winding road, Nick tried to whistle the opening bars of “Stairway to Heaven.” I laughed. On the other side of me, Min pulled her sweatshirt over her head. She was walking unsteadily. I wondered how much of that vodka she had had. She kicked at the water in a puddle. “I’m siiinging in the rain, just siiii—”
“Shhhh,” I said, afraid she would wake up the neighbors.
“It’s not raining,” Nick said at the same time. Min threw him a look like he was an idiot.
I shivered. “You cold?” Nick asked. He was wearing a varsity jacket. He put his arm around me, hugging me close to his side. I remembered Min’s voice from the other bed in my room, all those times we had played our question game. “Would you let Nick put his arm around you? What would you do if he kissed you? If he tried to French kiss you?” They weren’t what ifs anymore, they were real. I had never really believed Nick would ever put his arm around me. Now he had. We had already kissed. It was happening so fast.
“Warmer now?” he asked.
“Yes.” I grinned up at him. I thought about putting my arm around his waist. Then I did it. We were a couple now, there was no doubt about it.
The three of us walked downhill for a while, turning onto wider roads as we got closer to town. Nick and Min talked about our history teacher and how easy the homework was. I thought it was hard, but I didn’t say anything. An occasional car drove past, its headlights sweeping over us. The moon stayed ahead of us. Walking between my best friend and my new boyfriend, I had the amazing feeling that everything fit into its own place. I looked up at the glowing moon. We were only specks on a tiny planet in the middle of a whirling galaxy, but we were where we were supposed to be.
Nick pulled a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. “Sorry,” he said to me, removing his arm.
“Can I have one?” Min asked, leaning her head forward to look at him. I almost said, “You don’t smoke,” but didn’t, not in front of Nick. We stopped on the sidewalk. Nick held out the pack and Min pulled a cigarette out. Nick lit his with a Bic lighter, then offered the flame to Min, holding it beneath the cigarette in her mouth. The tip glowed red in the dark. He dropped his hand, pocketing the lighter. She took the cigarette from her mouth, holding it between her first two fingers like it was natural to her, blew out smoke, and said, “Thanks.” He nodded. I was amazed. Min seemed to be an old hand. Maybe she was and maybe she wasn’t. Knowing Min, she could be smoking for the first time and pull it off so that nobody would ever know.
We continued walking. The two of them puffed away on either side of me. I tried not to cough. Nick slipped his hand in mine. It was warm and slightly damp.
“I really didn’t know if you’d show up tonight,” Nick said to me. “You were so shy the last time we talked after practice.”
Inside I seized up. I had meant to tell Min about my walks with Nick when we got to her house.
Min said, “Laura shy? Ha!” I looked at her, surprised. She blew smoke into the air and tapped ash from the tip of her cigarette. She didn’t look at me.
“Well, she may not be around you,” Nick said, “but she hardly opens her mouth when she’s around me.”
“Oh, she opens her mouth around me,” Min said.
I pinched her waist. There was hardly anything to grab hold of. She looked at me quickly, smiling. It wasn’t funny. What if Nick figured out what she was talking about?
They went back to the subject of school, disagreeing about the character of Stella in the book we were reading in English class, Great Expectations. I was bored. They seemed to have a lot in common. I began to be afraid that Nick would start to like Min more than me. It was a strange, vicious fear I’d never felt before. Up to now, I had been winning our competition for Nick.
We reached her house and stopped on the sidewalk. Nick threw his cigarette out into the street sideways. Min’s parents had left the outside light on. There was another light on upstairs. We stood in a little cluster. Nick was still holding my hand.
“Hey, Min,” he said, sort of embarrassed, “get lost.”
She stared at him, then turned and went into the house without saying goodbye. As soon as the door closed, I said, “What did you say that for?”
“I wasn’t going to kiss you goodnight in front of her.”
“Oh.” Still, it seemed like he could have found a nicer way to tell her. He led me toward the brown-shingled siding of the house under the eave where it was darkest, then took my other hand. We stood face to face. I was still worrying about Min and him having so much in common.
“Nick, how come you decided you liked me? What if it was Min walking home after basketball, would you have started waiting for her?”
He made a face. “Min? No way. Not in a million years.”
I was stung. “Why not? I think she’s really pretty.”
“With those slanty eyes? They give me the creeps.”
I couldn’t believe it. I liked Min’s eyes. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No.” When I just stared at him he tried again. “She’s Oriental, and that’s putting it nicely.”
“So?”
“So I don’t think the races should mix. People should stick with their own kind.”
Now I was getting angry. He was talking about my best friend. I pulled my hands out of his, crossing them over my chest. “Where’d you get that crazy idea?”
“Everybody knows that, Laura. Where’ve you been? On the moon?”
“Yeah, and you’ve been in some other solar system.”
We were silent. None of this was making sense to me. The worst part was I didn’t think I liked Nick very much anymore. “I don’t get it,” I said. “You seemed to like talking to Min tonight.”
“That’s different. I’ll do a lot to spend more time with you. Anyway, why are we talking about her?” He put his arms around my shoulders, pulling me closer. I slid my hands around his waist without even thinking about it. “I had a nice time dancing with you tonight,” he said. “I knew I’d break through your shyness, and I was right. You’re a wild dancer.”
Then he pushed me against the house and kissed me. He didn’t waste any time with his tongue. I hadn’t decided what I wanted to do, but my mouth opened anyway. He pushed his tongue inside, practically down my throat. Instead of gently playing with my tongue the way Min did, he ignored it completely. He kept jabbing at the inside of my mouth. It was like having a large wet fish thrashing around, one that tasted like cigarettes. I tried to pull away, but he only held me more tightly, grasping the back of my head. He had his other arm at my waist, holding me pinned between him and the house. I felt his hand pull at my shirt and slide up my side. He grabbed my breast over my bra, squeezing it like a sponge, then pushed underneath the bra with his fingers. I tried again to break free of him. He made a moaning noise in my mouth and ground his pelvis against me. My jaw was getting sore. I didn’t know what to do. I had gone too far, and now I couldn’t stop it. This boy I hardly knew was all over me, and I had no idea how to get away.
Finally he let me go, staggering back a little. He was breathing hard. “You really are wild,�
�� he said. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Then he hitched up his pants, gave me a little wave, said “See you at school,” and walked away. He emerged from the shadow of the house onto the moonlit sidewalk, walking the way I’d noticed most guys did. He bounced from one foot to the other, like he was happy.
In the dark, I practically tiptoed up the stairs. Now I didn’t know how I should feel. I decided that the next time Nick and I made out, it would be better because we’d be more used to each other. He wouldn’t go so berserk. As I passed Min’s parents’ room, I saw the door was ajar and a light on. I heard Catherine softly call out my name. She was sitting by herself in bed with a book propped up against the quilt over her knees. The covers on Min’s father’s side of the bed were rumpled. She took off her reading glasses as I came into the room.
“Did you lock the front door?” she asked almost in a whisper.
I nodded. She squinted at me, then put her reading glasses on the night table, unfolded her other pair, and put them on. She studied me again.
“How was the party?”
“It was okay.”
She patted the edge of the bed by her legs. I sat down.
“Min seems to think you had a good time.”
I could picture Min sitting in the same spot at the edge of the bed, talking to her mother, knowing I was outside with Nick. Sitting in her place, I realized if Nick had danced with Min, even danced one dance with her instead of asking me, I would have been totally destroyed. But she hadn’t been talking to him for weeks, getting her hopes up. I said, like it might change something, “Well, I danced with Nick. Min has a crush on him too.”
“Oh, Nick of the fabulous blue eyes.”
I nodded. There didn’t seem to be anything more to say.
After a while Catherine asked, “Did something happen that you didn’t like?”
I looked up at her. How did she know that? The kindness in her face made me feel like crying. I could never have had a talk like this with my mother. Catherine’s face was long and plain with a chin that jutted out like a rock at the edge of the waves, solid and dependable. I looked down again. My hair fell forward. I took a few strands and started picking at the ends.
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