“Mimosas!” my mom says, clapping excitedly.
I’m not so sure Skye is the best influence on my mother. Skye likes to drink, and she can hold her liquor. My mom, on the other hand, tries to keep up but gets sloppy a lot faster. This should be an interesting meal.
Violet chops up a pineapple while her mom gets out champagne glasses and starts mixing drinks. Violet almost chops off one of my dad’s fingers because he can’t seem to wait until she puts the fruit on the plate.
“Robbie! Be careful! You need those fingers,” my mom admonishes.
Skye whispers something in my mom’s ear, and the two of them giggle like teenage girls.
Violet rolls her eyes and keeps chopping. She stabs a chunk with a toothpick and reaches across the island. Instead of taking it, I bite it off the toothpick.
“Looks like the Waters men are interested in getting some action later. You should get on that, too, Sidney.” Skye winks at him.
“Mom, please.”
“What?” Skye takes a sip of her drink, testing it out. “Too much orange juice.”
“Can we please have one family get-together without me needing therapy afterward?” Violet mutters.
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Mom...”
“Well, you know what they say about pineapple,” Skye whispers.
My mom cocks her head to the side and twirls her hair around her finger.
Violet speaks before Skye can. “Seriously. Please do not tell Daisy that pineapple makes jizz taste better. It doesn’t. That’s a lie some man made up so that women will willingly swallow a load of splooge.”
Sidney slaps the counter. “I think we should go sit down in the living room and let the girls do their thing.”
My dad grabs the fruit tray and follows him. Violet shoots me a look that tells me she’s not going to be all that excited if I leave, but I shrug and push away from the island. There’s no way I’m staying for a conversation about the taste of jizz.
13
Conversations We
Should Never Have
VIOLET
Alex backs out of the kitchen, leaving me to deal with my mom and Daisy and conversations about pineapple-flavored jizz, as there’s no one else here yet to act as a buffer. After all my efforts and sweating this morning, I’m less than impressed with Alex’s choice to escape. Thankfully Charlene and Darren show up shortly thereafter.
They stop in the kitchen to say hello, but Darren soon disappears into the living room with the rest of the men. On the way out he spears a piece of pineapple from the cutting board and shoves it into his mouth. My mom and Daisy start giggling again, of course. The two of them have already polished off half a pitcher of mimosas. I haven’t even touched mine. If I’m going to set a wedding date today—or at least commit to setting one—I’m damn well going to be sober. That way no one can talk me into doing something I don’t want to. Like having it televised.
“Charlene, maybe you can help us out,” my mom announces. “Violet thinks pineapple doesn’t change the taste of…” She gestures to her crotch meaningfully. “But Daisy and I disagree.”
“You don’t have to answer that,” I jump in. “In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t encourage these two.” I narrow my eyes at the moms.
My mom tsks me. “Since when have you become such a prude, Violet?”
“Prude? Seriously? Are there no boundaries here? Since when is it appropriate to talk about the flavor of jizz with my mom and my fiancé’s mother?”
“I think it’s a perfectly normal discussion. Don’t you, Daisy?” My mom looks to Alex’s mom for confirmation.
“I think it’s great that you and Violet have such an open relationship, Skye,” Charlene says with an evil smile. “I wish I could talk to my mom about this kind of stuff, but she’s kind of reserved.”
I kick Charlene, so she pinches my side. Her mom isn’t reserved at all.
My mom puts her hand on Charlene’s shoulder. “You know you can always talk to me about these kinds of things, sweetie. I had a lot of fun before I settled down with Sidney, if you know what I mean.”
“Robbie’s the only man I’ve ever been with.” Daisy’s doing that twirling thing again with her hair.
My mom is definitely on the road to drunk, based on how touchy she’s become. She pulls Daisy into a side-hug. “Since I already know the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in the package department, I can see why you would’ve claimed Robbie as soon as you could!”
“It was a little scary the first time.”
“For the love of—” The doorbell rings. “I’ll get that!” I yell, already on the move. Right about now I’d accept a stitchable laceration to get out of this dick discussion.
“I’ll come with you!” Charlene follows me down the hall to the front door.
“Thanks for encouraging that. My therapy bills are going to be through the roof after today.” I elbow her in the side.
“Those two are crazy.”
“Do you think we’ll be like that when we’re their age?”
“I sure as hell hope so.”
I open the front door to find Buck and Sunny, Balls and Lily, and Lance standing on the doorstep. Lance’s massive lime green Hummer is parked in the driveway behind them. It’s like a tank, but way more conspicuous. Kind of like Lance.
“Come on in, guys. Lily, Sunny, you’re just in time to be emotionally scarred by hearing my mom and Daisy talk about jizz.”
“So the usual?” Lily comes in for a hug.
“Do you girls talk about anything other than sex?” Randy helps Lily out of her coat and adjusts the strap of her dress, bending to kiss her shoulder. Those two radiate hormones.
“Not really,” Charlene replies.
“I’m more than willing to hang out and talk about sex with you girls,” Lance says.
“Over my dead fucking body, Romance,” Randy says.
“So territorial.” Lily rolls her eyes, but she’s grinning.
Lance winks and squeezes my shoulder. “How’s the captain doing?”
“He’s getting better. It’s slow going, but he looks a lot less like he’s a victim of a mugging.”
“Good to hear. He’s missed on the ice.”
“You should tell him that. I think his ego is almost as broken as his body.”
I like Lance a lot more since he kicked the shit out of Cockburn. Not because of the reciprocated violence, but because of the retribution. He also dropped by the hospital more than once. I still think he’s the biggest manwhore in the entire league, but he’s a good guy, even with the serious commitment and anger-management issues. He’s a softie under that mountain of muscle and rage. He’s messaged me every day and called to check on me and Alex. It’s sweet.
Buck and Sunny are standing off to the side, whispering. Buck’s cradling her cheek in his palm, forehead creased, and Sunny seems pale.
“Everything okay with those two?” I ask Lily, since they don’t seem to be paying attention to anyone outside their bubble.
“We were playing charades until late.” Lily says. “And drinking too much wine.”
“Charades, huh?”
“The boys refused to play strip poker.” Lily shrugs.
“Only I see you naked,” Randy growls.
I’m missing all the action. With Alex being injured and Daisy here, company hasn’t been an option, and I haven’t felt right about going out to have fun while Alex suffers alone.
Buck and Sunny finally break apart. It’s normal for him to fawn over her, but this seems excessive. “Sweets, I think you should sit down,” he tells her.
“Honestly, I’m fine, Miller.” She pats his hand and smiles, but she looks tired, and her eyes are red and puffy when she turns to me. “How’s everything? Is my mom driving you nuts? What about Alex?”
“I haven’t had to make a meal since she got here, and Alex is doing well, considering.”
“She really does love to cook.”
“I think we have meals covered for the next month.”
“You need help with that, let me know; I’m always available for dinners on off-game days.” Lance pats his insane shirt-covered six-pack.
“So are we.” Randy slips his arm around Lily’s waist and pulls her against him. Probably so he can rub his dick on her.
“I can cook just fine.” Lily looks legitimately offended.
“You sure can, luscious, but I’m just offering our exceptional company in case Vi and Alex need it. Plus, I like their bathrooms.”
I point a finger at Lily, because she’s as bad as Randy with the sneaking off to have sex. “You two aren’t allowed to disappear upstairs. Daisy’s sleeping in the room you two like to get your fuck on in.”
“There are plenty of rooms in this house, and beds are totally overrated.” Randy rubs his beard on Lily’s neck and she shivers.
It’s like beard porn. I don’t know how she stands it. I can’t manage Alex with a scruffy face in the winter. My skin gets all red, and then it chafes and peels. Not sexy.
“You should ignore those two,” Sunny motions to Lily and Randy. “It’s like mating season.”
“Really? You’re going to talk to me about mating?” Lily shoots back.
Sunny’s eyes flash, and Lily makes a face like she crapped her pants.
“Where’s Alex?” Buck asks.
“They’re all in the living room. They left when our moms started with the flavored-jizz talk.”
Sunny either pretends I didn’t say that or misses it completely. “Alex has been okay, though? He can be difficult when he’s not feeling well.”
“Oh, God! Remember when Alex got the flu, and he hurled in the middle of the hallway after eating a Big Mac combo? That was the worst idea ever.” Lily makes a gagging sound.
Sunny puts her hand to her mouth. I think she might legitimately be gagging. “I need the bathroom.” She hurries down the hall and slams the door.
“Guess we won’t be using that bathroom later,” Randy says to Lily.
“Is she okay?” I ask.
“Just feeling under the weather, that’s all. She’ll be fine,” Lily reassures me.
Buck rubs the back of his neck. “You guys go ahead. I’ll make sure Sunny’s okay.”
“I can stay with her if you want,” Lily offers.
“It’s cool. I got this.”
Lily pats him on the shoulder, and we leave Buck in the hallway, tapping on the bathroom door.
“Must’ve been one hell of a night.” I’m not sure if I’m disappointed I’ve been missing out on the fun, or worried about Sunny getting so drunk she’s sick the next day.
When we get to the kitchen, my mom and Daisy are holding bananas and close-talking. I don’t even want to know what’s going on there.
My mom drops the banana on the counter and wipes her hands on her ass. “Randall! It’s so good to see you! I can’t remember the last time I chatted with you. How’ve you been? How’s your family?”
My mom’s excitement over Randy’s arrival is unexpected. Her voice takes on that high-pitched, girly tone that makes everyone around her cringe, except Daisy.
“I remember when you and Buck used to have pimples, and you smelled more like goats than boys. You’ve really grown up, haven’t you? Hasn’t he?” She turns to me like she’s looking for some kind of confirmation.
“How would I know? I only met Balls this year, when he and Miller were getting in trouble for all the stupid bunny business.”
My mom ignores the bunny comment. “Oh, of course. You were too busy tutoring and being part of the Mathgeeks to be bothered with coming to games when Randall and Buck played rep.”
“Mathletes, Mom, not Mathgeeks.” It’s already obvious I’m a math nerd. I don’t need my mom outing my geek status from high school.
“You were a Mathlete?” Lance asks.
“I needed an extracurricular for college applications, and sports were out,” I mumble.
Lance looks me over, but not in a typical pervy Lance way—more like he’s assessing my level of physical fitness. “You look athletic to me.”
“Dude.” Randy punches him in the shoulder.
“What? It’s an observation.” Lance rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I was a Mathlete in high school, too.”
“Really?” I don’t know why I’m surprised. At this point I’m well aware that a lot of these guys are not just incredibly physically competent, but have brains to match.
“We won the all-state championship my senior year. I still have the trophy.”
“I still have mine, too! I think it’s packed away in a box in my office somewhere.”
While Lance and I revel in our nerdiness, my mom rounds the island and approaches Randy. He and Buck have been friends for a long time, and obviously while I was out being a supernerd in high school, my mom was busy being a good stepmom to Buck.
She hugs Randy, which is a normal thing to do, but I should know better than to expect her to be appropriate, particularly since she and Daisy have already plowed through a bottle of champagne. My mom puts her hands on either side of Randy’s face and pats his beard. Then she runs her fingers through it. “This is really impressive.”
“Mom, what’re you doing?” I’ll be honest, I’ve actually considered doing that on more than one occasion. It really is an amazing beard.
Lily snickers. “It’s soft, isn’t it?”
“So soft!” My mom nods in agreement. “Daisy, you need to feel this. I never realized a beard could be so soft.”
“He conditions it a lot.” Lily’s smirky face probably has a lot to do with the number of times those two have ended up in a bathroom with Randy on his knees.
“Really?” Daisy asks.
“Not as often as you probably condition your hair to keep it this soft,” Randy fingers the end of Daisy’s no-longer-solid hair, and she looks like she might combust. Balls has that effect on women.
Randy shoves his hands in his pockets while the moms stroke all over his beard. His smirk matches Lily’s. “But I shampoo it like I do my hair.”
I can see my mom’s wheels turning, and I know for a fact that the next question out of her mouth is going to be embarrassing. I clap my hands to distract them. “Okay, well, I think that’s enough beard fondling for today! The boys are in the living room, probably watching sports and drinking expensive scotch, so you guys can all go do that, too.”
The moms stop with the beard love, and the guys disperse.
“Didn’t Sunny and Miller come with you?” Daisy asks.
“They’re here. Sunny’s not feeling well this morning,” Lily says.
“Oh?”
“She’s in the bathroom. I think she’s hurling,” I offer.
Daisy and my mom exchange a glance, which they then share with Lily.
“I’ll be right back.” Daisy tosses her dishtowel on the island and takes off in the direction of the main floor powder room.
“Is there something going on?” I ask.
“You know how us moms worry,” mine says.
I distinctly remember my mom’s reaction to hangovers when I used to live in the pool house. She’d bring me a bottle of Gatorade, and that was about it.
Five minutes later, as we’re putting brunch on the table, Sunny appears with Daisy. I swear they could pass for sisters now. Buck trails behind them. He looks stressed.
I want to corner him and find out what’s going on, but everyone is gathering in the dining room to eat, so I don’t have an opportunity.
My mom ends up sitting across the table from Randy. She puts her hand on Sidney’s arm. “Sid, do you think you could grow a beard like that?”
“Like what?”
She gestures to his beard. “Like Randall’s.”
“Probably. Why?”
“I think you should.”
“Beards are the best.” Lily leans her head against his shoulder while she peers up at him with half-lidded eyes.
I point a
finger at Lily. “No disappearing into the laundry room.”
Randy grins as Lily’s eyes go wide. “I have a laundry room in my own house, so I don’t need yours anymore.”
“Oh my God.” Lily elbows him in the side and ducks her head, her hair barely covering her flushed cheeks.
“Was your washing machine broken?” my mom asks.
“In a manner of speaking.”
“Let’s eat!” I yell, much louder than I intended, because it’s either that or I further degrade our level of conversation and embarrass Lily even more by explaining how she came on my washing machine during a dry-humping session with Balls. After we wiped it down with antiseptic, Alex and I tried it out—except we were naked and the machine was on.
Moments later, everyone’s chatting and eating, except for Sunny, who’s pushing food around on her plate. Buck keeps whispering in her ear and rubbing her shoulder. Lily does the same thing every once in a while from the other side. There’s definitely something going on.
Daisy and my mom are seated beside each other, and I hear the word wedding get dropped. Alex tenses. I can feel his eyes on me. He hasn’t said anything about setting a date for a long time. He’s been so understanding about this. Maybe too understanding.
“Oh! That’s a great idea. Violet, your mother is full of wonderful ideas.” Daisy’s hands flutter in the air.
“What’s that?” I put my hand on Alex’s thigh and give it a light squeeze.
“You and Alex could get married in an arena!”
“Mom, I thought we talked—” Alex begins.
Daisy cuts him off. “Isn’t that fantastic? It’s where you first met!” She flips her non-rock-solid hair over her shoulder.
I wanted to be the one to bring this up today, not the moms, and I want to decide, with Alex, where and when it’s going to be.
“Aren’t we looking at a wedding in the off-season?” I point out. “Why would we get married in a freezing arena? Isn’t the point of a summer wedding that it’s warm? Isn’t that the same thing as taking an Alaskan cruise in the middle of the winter?”
“We could have the reception outside,” my mom says.
“I don’t think now—” Alex tries to cut in again, but I’m already on a tangent.
Forever PUCKED (Pucked #4) Page 18