Road of Stars

by Ariel Bonin

  "Thanks for covering me," he said, shifting the car into drive.

  Lindsey didn't smile—she couldn't. He had no reason to thank her. Her selfish needs had almost gotten him killed, but he didn't know that. She didn't deserve the gratitude in his loving gaze. Instead of voicing all that, she answered with a nod.

  Turning away, she nestled her head in the corner of the seat and closed her weary eyes.

  _____

  Andrew could tell Lindsey was worn out from the moment she entered the car. It didn't help that it was raining; her hair clung to her face in limp strands and she shivered under her canvas jacket. Andrew cranked the heat, hoping to bring her some kind of relief. Within minutes she was sleeping, her chest rising and falling with her quiet breaths.

  Something about her was still off, but he couldn't seem to figure out what was causing it. Her current behavior he'd chalk up to exhaustion. She had been up for the past twenty-four hours—that would make even the happiest person go a tad off-kilter. Now that she was fast asleep, it was likely she would wake in a better mood.

  That didn't happen, though. About an hour later, Andrew heard a small noise come from Lindsey, something like a protest from deep in her chest. He glanced over at her and she remained still. The sound grew more frantic, her breathing quickened and a whine escaped from between her lips.

  Andrew reached across the car and shook her gently. "Linds, hey, wake up," he murmured, diverting his attention to the road and then back to her.

  Lindsey's eyes flew open as she sucked in a lungful of air. Her body shook and he saw her squeeze her hands into weak fists.

  Zoey, now well aware of Lindsey's distress, asked from the seat behind her, "Are you okay?"

  At first she didn't answer the girl. She blinked rapidly and swallowed hard. Finally, she looked at Andrew, almost as if she hadn't known he was there. Her cheeks flushed and he could tell she was embarrassed. Focusing on the unsteady hands in her lap, she said, "Y-yeah…I'm okay. Just a bad dream." Lindsey's voice cracked on the last word and she pressed her fingertips to her mouth.

  "Are you sure you're all right?" Zoey asked again, undoubtedly picking up on the upset tone of her voice.

  "I'm fine…thank you."

  Enough, Andrew thought to himself. If he heard her say she was fine again, he'd lose it. He couldn't stand to see her like this for one more day. Tonight, he would sit down with her and they'd talk—really talk. No more distractions. No more excuses.

  Chapter 3

  "I'm pregnant," Caren announced to the group, Robert standing by her side. The young man smiled and rubbed his wife's back as they waited for the news to sink in.

  The group had chosen to stay in the gymnasium of a high school near Somerville, Tennessee. After fighting through roadblocks all day long, they'd made it to their destination with only a few minutes of light to spare. With their gear spread out across the scuffed wooden floor, they were thankful to have the extra space tonight; to say that the quilt shop had been snug would be an understatement.

  Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at the couple as Caren's words practically boomed throughout the large room. Andrew was at odds with deciding on a proper reaction. He was stuck between being happy for them and being downright livid. He'd watched his own wife go hungry and get weaker everyday—just to die in the end. They didn't have a proper doctor. Andrew hoped the couple hadn't done this on purpose. Did Caren have a death wish?

  Right as he moved forward to speak, Nadie jumped up from her sleeping mat and threw her arms around Caren.

  "Congratulations!" she said, hugging the mother-to-be, then Robert. Caren was visibly relieved as she thanked the older woman. Andrew held back the harsh statement he had planned. What did it matter anyway? The damage was done. It wasn't like they could change their minds on this one.

  Charlie, slower to acknowledge the sudden announcement, exhaled audibly as he stood. He took in Caren's radiant face and gave her an easy smile. "Congrats, darlin'."

  Caren hugged her father, squeezing him tightly. "Thanks, Daddy."

  After a moment, Charlie moved on to shake Robert's hand.

  If they aren't concerned, then it's no concern of mine, Andrew reasoned.

  He decided to take the high road and walked over to congratulate the expectant parents. When he was done, he glanced at the doorway of the gym and saw Lindsey observing the exchange. She'd elected to take watch, again, much to Andrew's displeasure. He already missed her warmth in the middle of these cold nights. After the incident in the car today, he had a pretty good idea that her absence at night wasn't anything personal. Her nightmares were back and she was going to run herself into the ground from lack of sleep.

  As Andrew watched her now, he may have seen a hint of a smile, but she didn't look shocked at Caren's announcement. He'd bet that Lindsey already knew. Was she upset? Jealous? Or just happy for her friend?

  Andrew crossed the gym, his boots echoing on the hard surface. He stopped in front of Lindsey and she looked up at him with dark, weary eyes. Even in the shadows, he could see lines of fatigue on her face. She shifted Robert's shotgun to the side—it was better than a rifle in close quarters—and Andrew sat down next to her.

  "Exciting news, huh?" he asked, though, his voice lacked enthusiasm.

  Lindsey nodded and gave him one of her forced smiles. Andrew clenched his jaw. He loved her smile, but that was not the one he wanted to see.

  "You knew, didn't you? I could tell because you didn't look the least bit surprised."

  Lindsey ran a short fingernail over an indent on the shotgun as she answered, "I put the pieces together and confronted her in the store yesterday. She made me promise not to tell anyone until after she told Robert."

  Andrew stared at the side of Lindsey's face and her expression was almost blank. It was impossible for him to tell what she was thinking, but he knew she was thinking something. The woman longed to be a mother and he was curious to know how she felt about Caren's reveal. Softly, he asked, "Does it bother you that they're going to have a baby?"

  Lindsey shrugged. "No, it's fine."

  Andrew's impatience flared at her mentioning of that dreaded word. "Goddammit, Lindsey! Would you stop saying that?"

  If he wanted her attention, he had it now. Lindsey gaped at him. Her wounded gaze made him instantly regret the outburst, but she needed to quit avoiding the issues at hand.

  Squeezing the back of his neck, he sighed. "I'm sorry. But you need to talk to me. You haven't been yourself lately. I know you're having nightmares, but not sleeping will only make things worse. Please, Linds, it's me—I'm here to listen or do whatever it is that you need me to do. Just don't shut me out."

  Lindsey's bottom lip quivered and she caught it between her teeth. She blinked back the moisture that invaded her eyes and used her shirt sleeve to furiously wipe it away. "I've turned into such a pansy."

  Andrew shook his head and slid an arm around her shoulders. "That's not true. Hey, look at me." He waited for her to do so and leveled his gaze with hers. "You are the strongest person I know, Lindsey. You've lost so much and, yet, here you are. I've had moments where all I wanted to do was give up, but you wouldn't let me. When all seems hopeless, you're there to give me that one thing I need. So I'm here to return the favor."

  "How?" Lindsey choked out. "What do I have to be hopeful for?"

  Her question punched Andrew straight in the gut. He'd had no idea how bad things had gotten for her. He found himself getting angry at her lack of hope for their future. He thought that it wasn't even close to being a concern after the intimate moment they'd shared the day before.

  Going out on a limb, Andrew said, "When we reach New Canaan, I want us to try for a baby."

  Lindsey's shoulders stiffened under his embrace. "Do you mean that?"

  "I wouldn't say it if I didn't. I want to watch you grow big with our child and feel his little kicks from the outside of your round belly," Andrew whispered, his lips brushing against her damp cheek.
/>
  Lindsey smiled through her tears and Andrew was once again blown away by how beautiful she was when she really smiled. "You've given this some thought, huh?" she joked, and he conceded with a crooked grin. "You even said 'his.' Do you know something that I don't?"

  Andrew chuckled. "Or her. Either way, as long as you're both healthy."

  "And you're sure you would want to bring another child into this…?" Lindsey grasped the hand he had curled around her upper arm.

  "If New Canaan is safe and they have a doctor, which they most likely do, then I'd want to go ahead with it. I just need to know that you and the baby would be okay—that's all I can ask."

  Lindsey experienced a newfound hope at the possibility of a child with Andrew. It was so close. They had to make it to that island—for Caren's sake and her own. Looking at Andrew's handsome face through the darkness, Lindsey felt the walls around her begin to crumble.

  "Back at The Factory, I killed Isaac—put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. I felt nothing when I did it—I still don't. How can it be so easy to kill someone?"

  "When your life and the lives of those around you are threatened, it's not a difficult choice. I watched him put that gun in your mouth, Lindsey." Andrew's voice hitched, no doubt picturing the way she'd looked when it happened. "He had it comin'. He deserved whatever you did to him. If that makes us cold, then so be it, but it doesn't make us one of them."

  Lindsey shook her head in confusion. "Where's that line? How do you know the difference?"

  "I know you, Linds. That line, you don't have it in you to cross it. You're not that person and you never will be." Andrew paused. "Is that what's been giving you bad dreams?"

  Lindsey agreed. "When we got back to the ranch, I had too much time to reflect. Those thoughts must have leaked into my subconscious, because that's when the dreams started."

  "So you have had more than the one you did today?"

  "Yeah," she answered on a whisper, "I dreamed about someone I shot…a woman who tried to rob me."

  "What happened?"

  "I was traveling by myself, which happened off and on until I met you. This woman found my tent and held me at gunpoint while she looked through my stuff. After taking everything and cutting apart my tent, she left. I had a gun hidden under the tent and followed her through the woods. When I caught up, I shot her. I tugged my stuff off her dying body before turners could take both of us down. I wanted to show her mercy, but I…I just couldn't."

  Andrew nodded. "It's harsh, but I think you did the world a favor."

  "Yeah, well, the kicker is that after I took her gun, I realized it was empty. She had no bullets."

  Andrew cringed. "Desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess."

  "So in the dream I had earlier, I got my stuff back and saw a car down the road. After walking to it, I found two kids inside." Lindsey glanced at her lap and a teardrop fell onto her pant leg. "They were starving and crying for their mommy… A second later, they turned into Zoey and Jacob."

  Andrew stroked her arm with his thumb and her body trembled.

  "What if that really happened, Andrew? What if I killed that woman and all she was trying to do was provide for her children? I know you'd do anything for your own..."

  "Not that," Andrew said. "I'd never rob some helpless woman of all her things—I'd find another way to provide. If that were even the case, she would have told you about them. It would be natural for a woman to feel pity toward her and her hungry kids. You probably would have just given her something, put up less of a fight. Why go the other route?"

  Lindsey blew out a breath of relief. Andrew's words made complete sense to her. Why had it taken so long for her to open up to him about this? In only a matter of minutes the weight of guilt had been lifted from her shoulders. She had tortured herself for days when the help she needed was right here all along.

  _____

  The next day, they decided to try for Russellville, Alabama. It was a little bit of a stretch, but about equal distance to what they'd traveled the day before. They didn't want to push their luck, but if they kept up their current pace, they would make it to New Canaan in a matter of days instead of weeks.

  They passed by a large gas station, which provided outside access to the public restrooms, and proceeded to make a U-turn when Zoey complained about needing to pee. The rest of the group parked and separated as they entered the appropriate bathroom. They knew there wouldn't be running water, but a toilet was better than a ditch on the side of the road. Besides, it wasn't like they were coming back through here again.

  Ana and Lindsey pushed through the door first. The row of small, frosted, rectangular windows let in an adequate amount of daylight, allowing them to see that the public bathroom was clear of any threats. After checking the empty stalls, the women occupied each private space to take care of their business. When Lindsey was done, she watched Nadie and Ana walk out together, and then waited by the exit with Caren. Zoey's stall was silent. After a few minutes, Lindsey tapped her knuckle on Zoey's door.

  "Hey, you okay? It's all right if you need some more time…"

  "I'm not coming out."

  Surprised, Lindsey stared at the scarred green door. "What?"

  "I said I'm not coming out!" Zoey hollered.

  Caren met Lindsey's startled gaze from across the room. The brunette jabbed a thumb toward the outside and mouthed, Andrew? Lindsey nodded.

  As Caren opened the heavy door, streaking harsh sunlight across the grimy floor for a moment, Lindsey redirected her attention to the girl in the stall.

  "What's wrong, Zoey?"

  "I-I don't want to talk about it."

  Lindsey sighed and asked gently, "Are you hurt? Is there anything—"

  The outside door flew open and Andrew rushed into the bathroom, his eyes wild with worry. "Zoey, honey, what's going on?"

  "Dad! Get outta here!" the girl screeched.

  The two adults jumped and stared at one another, but didn't move.

  "Seriously, Dad! Get out!"

  "God, Zoey, lower your voice! Are you bitten? Did you get scratched?"

  "No—"

  "We don't have time for this. We need to get going…" he said, starting to move toward the stall door. Lindsey reached out and put her hand on his chest to stop him. Her gaze urged him to be patient as Zoey burst into tears.

  "No! Don't come in! Dad, please… I- I'll talk to Lindsey. I want to talk to her. Alone."

  "Why can't you talk to me?"

  "I started my period, all right?"

  Andrew's brows hit his hairline. He gaped at Lindsey as she held back a grin and shooed him away. After he left in an awkward daze, she turned around and spotted a feminine napkin dispenser on the far wall. Using her knife, she pried open the metal box. Her only options were cheap tampons and gigantic maxi pads. Opting for the pad—she didn't use a tampon until she was in high school—she removed the plastic wrapper and passed it under the door.

  "What do I do with it?" The teenager's voice was quiet, timid.

  "Just peel off the backing and press it into the middle of your underwear."

  She heard paper crinkling and then Zoey said, "This thing is massive…"

  "Yeah, it's going to feel like a raft between your legs. When we stop a little later, I'll give you one of the ultra-thin pads from my bag."

  The stall door clicked open and Zoey's young face appeared, her nose red from crying before. Lindsey stepped back and offered her a gentle smile. The girl adjusted the brim of her beanie and then stuffed her hands into her sweatshirt's front pocket. Her lips twisted to the side into something resembling a smile.

  "Thanks…for helping me, and for not making a big deal out of it."

  "Anytime. I remember my first…it was right before my mom died. Thank God for her. Dad would have run away with his fingers in his ears, saying, 'La, la, la...'" They both laughed. "It's good to have another female around in that moment."

  Zoey nodded. "I'm happy you were here. M
y dad is clueless," she said with a slight eye roll.

  "He's trying. He would have helped you if I wasn't here."

  The girl shrugged. "Still. He just doesn't get what it's like to be a teenage girl. You do."

  With a genuine smile, and after squeezing out a healthy dose of hand-sanitizer from the wall dispenser, Zoey led the way out of the dingy bathroom.

  Chapter 4

  When the sun began to set, they were well into Alabama, but not near a populated area. Charlie followed a sign directing them to campsites and Andrew knew it was to keep them off the main road. He'd need to start a fire and didn't want to attract any unwanted attention at the same time. The campsites consisted of a small clearing in the woods—perfect for the size of their group. It was unfortunate though that when they got there, it was well past dark. Tents would take far too long to set up, so they opted to sleep in their vehicles. It would be terribly uncomfortable, but better than the alternative.

  After eating various canned foods for dinner, Charlie smothered the fire and everyone headed to their respective vehicles for a night of fitful sleep.

  "I'm taking watch with Charlie," Zoey announced from next to their sedan.

  Andrew stopped with his hand on the driver's door. "No, you're not."

  "Why?"

  "Because you're just a kid, Zoey."

  She made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat. "I might be your kid, but I'm not a kid anymore! Remember this morning? I'm a woman now. Why won't you just accept that?"

  "Because you act like you're invincible! Like there's nothing out here trying to kill you." He lowered his voice. "Just because you started your period, doesn't make you an adult. When you get that through your head, maybe then I'll take you seriously."

  Face flushed, she said, "Whatever. I'm going to bed." She spun around and climbed into the backseat.

  Lindsey sighed from next to him.