by James Wolfe
I always used to fantasize about finding my own alpha mate in the leader of my tribe. Of course, Jameson had his omega already though even if he didn’t, I didn’t believe I felt myself compatible with him either.
I’d never felt compatible with anyone. Although I imagined I’d like an alpha similar to Jameson. Someone who was strong, respectable, a good man, but also knew how to be kind and nurturing. Somebody protective but not overly arrogant.
And that was hard to find.
But as I said before, for now I was content with where I was at. I still had my job, which was most important to me, and if I never found a mate but got to fulfill the needs of my alpha leader, that should be enough. Maybe not as much happiness as children would bring me, but enough.
The tribe was gathered at all the tables, smiles on their faces, and I didn’t believe it was entirely because the feast looked so good, though it did. I had a feeling that everyone was putting on a show.
Word got out about my mishap with Cole. Nobody said anything to me about it directly, but I know everyone was shocked that I could've done such a thing. Even the alphas were appalled, and alphas had a reputation for not being able to keep their mouths shut.
I still didn’t know how I did it myself. I regretted it, that was for sure. Especially after discovering Cole wasn’t even being a complete asshole to me. A little bit of one, maybe, but not as bad as I thought.
He hadn’t spoken to me since that day. Well, I also was purposefully avoiding him. I knew Jameson’s schedule and I knew when he’d be with Cole and I did my best to stay away.
Cole was centered at a table with Jameson, Jameson’s mate, and some other elders of the tribe in the middle of the feast. Everyone else was centered around him and I was at the far end of the last table, seated as far as possible.
I didn’t have to be. I could have sat with Jameson and the elders, but I preferred not to. I wanted Cole in a good mood. I didn’t think my presence would do that.
I didn’t much mind being off to the side anyway. Tensions would be high at that table, conversation very formal, I didn’t like having to fake my attitude. This was a much better option for me.
Jameson sat up to give a toast prior to us beginning our meal, as he always did at feasts.
“As always, I am grateful for this bounty and the hard work that provided it. Thank you to all of you who helped grow this food and those of you who helped cook it. Everyone played their role beautifully. I’d like to dedicate this feast to Cole, to honor the Turanu tribe for considering us in our time of need. To the Turanu!”
“To the Turanu!” everyone chanted back before raising a glass. After we all took a sip, the feast began.
I ate slowly as I watched everyone around me dig in. I got joy from seeing the pleasure all my planning and hard work brought. Normally, I would get special recognition for organizing the feast. I always had when I organized in the past. But I understood why Jameson wouldn’t want to mention my name and I didn’t blame him. In fact, I appreciated it. I didn’t want to be in Cole’s mind.
After about thirty minutes of eating, everyone began to stand from their seats and mingle. This was usual during the feast. We would eat, take a break and socialize, and then resume for dessert before socializing some more.
They were always long events. Usually, a few people would even pick up some instruments and play music for everyone. I suspected that a few people had already gone to drop by their homes to grab them. I was sure they’d play their best to impress Cole.
It was nobody’s job to play music, but some people picked it up as a hobby and those that did usually passed on the skill to their children.
As people mingled, I stayed where I was. I usually socialized too but right now I found it awkward when everyone had heard of my phenomenal mistake. And I just didn’t want to get any closer to Cole’s table and give him any reason to be upset.
But I did watch them intently. It didn’t look tense from a distance and I hoped that was a good sign, but I was also hoping their conversation would soon end and Cole would walk around and meet some of the village people. We were dependent on him finding a mate and after I went through great lengths to make everyone happy tonight, I really wanted him to meet that person tonight.
I was relieved when he stood up from the table and began to look around. That is, until I saw him walk toward me.
At first when he came my direction, I assumed he’d veer off somewhere else. Surely, he had no desire to come sit next to me, while I sat by my lonesome. But he got closer and closer until…
He sat down next to me.
My heart was a lump in my chest. I didn’t know what to say, had no idea what words to get out. Why was he doing this? Why was he sitting here?
“Hello,” he said in a monotone voice.
“Hello…” I answered nervously. And then I realized what he probably wanted. “I am so very sorry for how I spoke to you the other day,” I told him. “It was disrespectful and unbecoming. It is not the teachings of our leader and I’m terribly sorry.”
“I have never been spoken to in that way,” he told me.
“I know, I’m so sorry. An alpha leader should never be spoken to that way.”
“What moved you to anger?” he asked me, clearly not accepting my apology.
“I just…” Should I even answer this honestly? Should I come up with a kiss-ass lie? But I couldn’t think of anything except the truth. “I thought you were trying to rub it in my face that you wouldn’t help us. And in my stress and worry, I overreacted.”
“That was not what I was trying to do,” he said. “I was going to tell you exactly what I told your alpha, about my search for a mate.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You were?”
“I was.”
“…But why would you do that?” I asked. It seemed like a lot of information to divulge.
“As I told you before, you appear to be a higher up to me. I did not see why you should not know the truth.”
Wait, so the entire time, this was some weird way of him showing me respect? What I took as a jab was really his attempt to bend a little for me?
Well, now I really felt like an ass. My anger must have seemed totally unprovoked to him.
“Have you a mate?” he asked.
“No,” I answered.
“So you know my pain,” he responded. “You know the stress and the turmoil of being alone.”
“I suppose…” I said softly, both nervous and confused at the way this conversation was going.
“You suppose?” he asked. “Do you not feel the same pain?”
“I…” I had to actually think about it. “I guess I do. but I don’t know if I’d go so far to call it turmoil. I wish I could find my mate, I wish I could start my family, but I’m also fairly happy with where I’m at right now in my life. Things aren’t exactly terrible for me.”
“You like being the hand to the alpha?” he asked.
“Very much.”
He scoffed. “Sometimes, I don’t even like being the alpha.”
I felt so weird. He was being so candid. And for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t know why he’d be talking to me this way.
But I DID know that I wasn’t going to fuck this up again. I was going to be as respectful as possible, as personable as possible, so I’d continue this conversation for as long as he wanted.
“Why not?” I asked.
“It’s a lot of work. You are solely responsible for making sure your tribe is a success, that everyone is happy and things are functioning. Can you imagine that weight?”
“No,” I told him, and I really couldn’t. I could barely handle the responsibility of just showing Cole around the village.
I’d never thought of it that way, though. Being the alpha leader of your tribe was such an honor that I never considered how difficult it must be to live with the weight of responsibility. I always saw it as glamorous, but I supposed I could understand how difficult it could b
e.
“It is, at the end of the day, a job. You being hand to the alpha, it is a job. It is not what fulfills you, not truly. Nothing but family can do that.”
I looked at him carefully. “I do think that your job can fulfill you, if it is for the good of your tribe…”
“No,” he said. “It is still just a job. And you already know that. You are making justifications for your unhappiness, as I once did.”
He had managed to piss me off again, though I was going to do a better job at hiding it this time. Who was he to tell me what I knew? Who was he to say that I wasn’t happy and that a job couldn’t fulfill me?
“I suppose you’re right,” I lied.
He whipped his head at me, looking a little frustrated. “Is that what you want to say?”
“Uh, what?” I asked.
“Do you really want to tell me that I’m right? Because your voice doesn’t sound sincere.”
This was exactly why I wished I could be more stoic like some of the alphas. I was a terrible liar.
“Yes, it’s what I want to say, I don’t know what you’re—”
“You are lying again,” he told me, frustrated.
“Look I’m sorry,” I told him. “I’m only trying to be more amicable after I made such an awful mistake.”
“I don’t want you to try to please me,” he said. “I came over here specifically because you didn’t. I came over here because you made a mistake. I thought you would be blunt and honest with me, now you’re censoring yourself.”
Wait… was he saying he actually liked that I had snapped at him?
“I don’t get it. So you what, want me to be rude?”
“I want you to be truthful. I want you to be yourself,” he said.
I paused for a moment, thinking about what to say next. I had to pick my words carefully now. They had to be both polite and truthful… Which was difficult for me right now.
“Look, I really got in trouble for what happened the other day,” I told him. “And I should have. I can’t go around saying whatever I want, whatever I think, it’s not my place. So, please, just allow me to be polite and honor my tribe.”
“And that is why your job is such a detriment to your life!” he snapped suddenly.
Okay, now he had totally lost me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you are more concerned with pleasing your tribe than being yourself. You know why? Because our tribes are everything to us. They are our number one priority… Until we have a mate. Until we form a family. Then our mates become our priority. A priority that is so high, that we actually care more for them than our tribe. We can actually be ourselves with them.” He stood up. “And you will never be yourself until you have found your mate. Your tribe will never do that for you. Your tribe will never give you to yourself, the way only a mate can.”
And then, without another word, he walked away.
5
When I woke up this morning, it was with intense stress on my mind.
Last night had gone mostly as planned. Cole seemed to walk around a lot, talk to many men, but I had no idea if he actually found anyone he liked. At this point, I didn’t know if Jameson even knew if he found anyone.
If he didn’t, I was going to feel personally responsible even if it wasn’t my fault. This was my event, it was me that had frustrated him, and I had seemed to frustrate him again at the feast.
That was what was really bothering me. Even more than stressing about whether or not Cole had found a mate, I was stressing about what he had said to me.
Because, in a scary way, it seemed to ring true. I wasn’t myself within my tribe, not truly. I was always pleasing Jameson, I was tending to the needs of others in the tribe, I was putting on a face in order to please someone at all times.
And I knew that. He wasn’t the first one to teach me that or something. I had always known that. I never had a problem with it because I assumed this was just the way life was. You put on a mask to make those around you happy.
But was what Cole had said right? When you met your mate, when you formed a bond with them, were you actually able to take the mask off? Were you able to be your true self, without hiding anything, without ever having to worry about what you said?
I had no experience with this. Maybe people who grew up with their real parents did. Those that had actual families, maybe they knew how to take the mask off. But I grew up in the homes of other people and I was always doing my best to please them. They were caring for me when it wasn’t necessary, after all. I always wanted to make sure I did them proud and they knew how I appreciated them.
So even as a child, when I was upset, I held it in. When I found myself frustrated, I kept it to myself. I almost never blew up the way I had blown up at Cole, for example. That was out of the ordinary for me and I was embarrassed by it.
But on the other hand, I also loved it. It felt so damn good to just say what I thought for once. For a moment, before what I’d done had sunk in, I felt like I was on top of the world.
Was there a chance I really could feel that way with someone? It could be that genuine and amazing all the time?
I looked over at my wooden nightstand where I had placed a small pumpkin. I reached out and let my finger trace the lines of the pumpkin, from the base to its stem. I loved the way they felt, loved their tiny bumps and crevices. I always found the fall so comforting.
And I definitely needed comfort right now, because what Cole had said truly had flipped my world upside down.
I felt so out of touch with everything I thought I knew. I thought I was happy with my job. I thought I could be fulfilled like this for the rest of my life. Now I wasn’t so sure.
I had spent every moment since he’d spoken to me at the feast wondering if it’d be enough for me now that I knew something better could be out there. And I absolutely hated Cole for doing this to me.
I swear, before he got here I was doing just fine. I liked my job, I wasn’t overly concerned with not having a mate. But now he was here and I was doing things I never would have done, now I was questioning my whole future…
I couldn’t wait until he left.
I was planning on keeping up my routine of avoiding him so I didn’t go to Jameson’s this morning, thinking he would be there. Instead, I decided to go to the bakery and have another slice of pumpkin pie. Something about running my fingers over my mini pumpkin just made me crave it and I hadn’t gotten any at the feast last night because talking to Cole ruined my appetite.
Joshua was working and he had been a little icy to me since my outburst, so I just ordered my pie and sat at my table to eat it without getting into too much small talk.
When I was about halfway done, I heard the bell at the door ding and looked over to find that Cole was standing in the doorway.
So much for avoiding him.
I looked down at my plate and avoided making eye contact with him. He didn't say anything at first so when he walked to the counter to order his pie, I thought he might leave me alone. But he soon grabbed a slice of pumpkin and came to my table, pulling out a chair across from me.
Why couldn’t I get away from this man?
“Hello,” he said again.
“Hello,” I answered, barely looking up at him.
“What a strange coincidence, that I would find you here again.”
“Yeah, weird,” I said nonchalantly before going back to my pie.
“You are not happy to see me, are you?”
Uh, no, of course not. Almost every interaction I’d had with him had been a negative one!
It made sense I wouldn’t want to see him. What didn’t make sense to me was why he seemed so insistent on seeing me.
“I’m plenty happy to see you, Cole.”
He sighed. “Lying again.”
I didn’t comment, just began to eat my pie faster so I could get out of here.
“How did your night go?” I asked him.
“It was fine,” he said.
“Ju
st fine?” I questioned, hoping it would’ve been better than that. ‘Fine’ was not how you described a night where you met your mate, so that must mean…
“It was a beautiful feast,” he commented. “You did a wonderful job.”
I glanced up at him. “How did you know it was me?”
“I asked,” he said. “You are a great hand to your leader.”
“Thank you,” I said, trying not to allow myself to be softened by his kind words.
I really, truly hated him right now for how he made me doubt myself. Which might have been unfair, as it wasn’t entirely his fault, but regardless, I couldn’t control the fact that I had contempt for him right now.
I didn’t want to ask, I was trying to control the things I said, but I wanted to know so badly that the question just came rolling out of me. “You didn’t find your mate, did you?”
He shook his head slowly. “No. I haven’t.”
“So, why are you still here?” I asked. The question didn’t sound rude. I had control of my tone, and it sounded more curious than anything.
“I am hoping I’ll still find him,” he said. “I am hanging out for a while, hoping that I do.”
“Oh, okay.” I nodded, disappointed to hear that. I shouldn’t have been, I should have been happy he hadn’t left and decided not to help us. There was still a chance this way.
But I just didn’t want him here any longer. He frustrated me. Just his presence had me on edge. And I wasn’t an irritable person. I had never met another person who irritated me just by being around. No, it was only Cole.
Maybe I was being unfair, even. Yes, he left a pretty bad firsr impression, but in the grand scheme of things he really hadn’t been that bad. I didn’t think I was giving him the fair chance that I should have been.
But I didn’t want to. I just wanted him gone. I wanted my world to return to normal again and not have to think about the weird things he made me think or feel.
I looked down at my last piece of pie, covered with a heaping of whipped cream. I always did this, left the bites with the most whipped cream for last. I just loved whipped cream.