by James Wolfe
“Tell me what is wrong, Taylor. Are you not happy?”
“No,” I answered honestly. He was right, if he was going to be my mate forever, I might as well be honest. What good would it do to continue to lie? After a lifetime together he’d no doubt be privy to my true feelings about him.
“Why not?”
“Aren’t the reasons obvious?” I asked.
“No,” he answered.
I sighed. “I don’t want to do this, Cole,” I told him.
“But why not?” he asked.
“I don’t love you,” I said bluntly.
He shrugged. “Of course not. We just met. We cannot build love yet, we haven’t had the time. I am just looking for the capability of love.”
“Well, you must have known I didn’t feel capable of loving you,” I told him seriously.
His face immediately looked hurt and I felt terrible. “No, I didn’t know that. How could I know that?”
“I… Because…” I started to stutter. “Because of how I’ve been reacting to you. I told you that you make me uncomfortable, that you make me think things that nobody else has before.”
“Yes, of course, and I feel the same way about you. That’s why I want you for my mate.”
I squinted at him. “What? That doesn't even make sense. You want me because I make you uncomfortable?”
“Yes. And because you confuse me. Because you speak to me in a way no man has ever spoken to me before. You are blunt and honest and tell me things I do not want to hear.”
“Okay…” I said hesitantly. “But that’s not what love is…”
“No?” he asked. “Then what is love?”
“Love is…” God, I didn’t even know where to begin. I hadn’t thought about it. It was weird, all that time thinking about what it would be like to have a mate and family and I never thought about what it would be like to simply love someone.
After a moment of not answering, he answered for me. “Love is someone who challenges you. Someone who makes you think differently than you have before. Someone who makes you grow, who you can be yourself around. You have already admitted to me that you are yourself around me.”
“Sure, in the way that being myself gets me in trouble!” I argued.
“Yes, it gets you in trouble because you are not where you need to be,” he said as he reached out and brushed my shaggy hair off my face. “Because your place is as my mate, the mate of an alpha leader. And I will make sure you’re in trouble with nobody. And you will never be in trouble with me.”
I felt a little weird as his finger tips brushed my forehead. I couldn’t explain it. It wasn’t necessarily a bad feeling but it made the nausea in my stomach increase a bit… It was a weird sensation. Once again, he was making me feel strange.
“I know you make me feel different,” I told him, “but, Cole, it’s not a good thing.”
“How do you know?” he asked. “How would you know a good thing from a bad thing? You have never loved. You have never been truly yourself or truly happy. How would you recognize love when you saw it?”
I looked down at my shoes, unsure of how to answer that. I didn’t know. I just knew that I imagined love felt good and comfortable and I was anything but comfortable with him.
“It doesn’t matter,” I told him. “It doesn’t matter if I feel love or how I’d know it, because regardless of my feelings I am committed to this.”
He shook his head. “No! That’s not what I want! That is not what I told Jameson.”
I glanced back up at him. “What did you tell Jameson?”
“I told him I would not have a prisoner for a mate. I only wanted someone who wanted me back. If you do not want me back, I don’t want this. I want a happy mate, I want a happy family. What will our life be if you do not want me?”
“You know I can’t say no!” I argued with him.
“Of course you can!” he said. “I am asking you to say no if it’s not what you want.”
“And what happens to my village, then?” I asked. “They just starve while I go live my content little life in my home, not being mated to you?”
“Is that what this is about?” he asked, frustrated. “You’re saying yes because you’re worried about your tribe’s provisions?”
“Of course!” I told him. But once again, the pain that crossed his face made me regret my words.
“I will give the provisions,” he told me.
I looked at him expectantly. “You mean… if I become your mate?”
“No,” he said sternly. “I will give them regardless. Your tribe will not go hungry because of me. So you have no reason to have that as an excuse to force yourself to mate with me.”
My jaw dropped. “Why? Why would you do that? You weren’t even willing to do it for a future favor…”
“No, but I am willing to do it to make the man I have feelings for comfortable. Possibly, you’re the only man I will ever want to mate with. It is so hard to find a compatible partner… Even if you choose not to be with me, I want you to be happy.”
This sent a chill down my spine. I never, ever would have imagined Cole being willing to do this for nothing in return. I had, thus far, viewed him the way I viewed all the alphas… As stubborn, arrogant, and a little selfish.
But this was the opposite of selfish or stubborn. This was downright selfless.
I may not have understood his feelings for me but I did know he had them and that once you identified someone as a possible mate, it was hard to let go of them. For him to be willing to let go of me even if it sacrificed his own happiness was the ultimate act of selflessness.
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“Say nothing,” he said. “And agree to nothing, if you do not want me currently. But please, I do have one basic thing to ask.”
“Absolutely, anything,” I answered, feeling a bit indebted to him for this.
“Think about it. Think about whether or not being with me could ever be something you would want. Because you know as well as I do that when a man in our species identifies his mate, they usually both live happily together for the rest of their lives. I can feel in my soul that you are mine, I believe you must be. And regardless of whether or not mating to me gets you provisions, I believe it would be a mistake for you to let me go.”
I stared at him. “I don’t know what to say…” I mumbled. “I’m so grateful to you, I truly am. And I believe I may have misjudged you… But I also just don’t feel anything for you.”
“And maybe that’s because you misjudged me,” he said. “Or maybe it’s simply because you have an idea in your head of what it’s supposed to feel like to meet your mate and when that idea does not match up you shut down all feelings, even when love is standing right in front of you.”
I looked at him, taking in the seriousness of his face, trying to reconcile my previous thoughts of him with the actions that he just took in order to make me happy.
“I will take some time,” I promised him. “That I will do, I owe you at least that much.”
We were silent for a moment and then, seemingly out of nowhere, he put one of his hands on my cheeks. Again, I felt a chill.
“I will never take you as my mate if you do not want me to, Taylor, but I will also never give up. In my heart, you are already mine. And I will do whatever it takes, I will wait as long as I must for you to realize it too. I will wait to have you until you see it for yourself, but I will not stand back and let you pass me by.”
I didn’t know how to answer. I feel like the intensity of his words took my breath away. But not as much as his next move did. Without warning or explanation, he moved in and kissed me on my lips.
Not a soft, gentle kiss. A deep, passionate kiss. A kiss that said the same thing as his words did: he believed I was his, and he was going to kiss me like I was.
Again, I felt weird. But this time there was something else mixed in with the weirdness, another feeling… something that actually felt good.
&nb
sp; 8
I was more confused than ever.
Cole telling me that I was free to not be his and he’d still make sure my tribe had everything it needed should have made me happy. I was off the hook, I could continue to live my life as before. I could go back to how I felt before he came here… Just like I wanted.
So why wasn’t I happy?
At first, I truly thought everything Cole said about it being a good thing that he made me uncomfortable was total bullshit. How could it be a good thing that he confused me and made me doubt my life?
I still wasn’t sure, but I knew I felt something good when he kissed me. I felt something good when I thought of the fact that he’d put my happiness above his own.
Had I been wrong about him this whole time? He clearly was still arrogant to a degree, yes, but was he also the kind of alpha I admired so much? The kind that thought about their mate and put their needs first? An alpha who was also a protector?
And if he was different, could I actually learn to love him?
After I found out that he was going to give us the provisions, the first thing I did was go back to Jameson’s house. He seemed pretty surprised to see me, as did his mate.
“Did you… change your mind?” he asked immediately. I knew he said I was free to not mate with him but he also sounded worried about me not doing it. Which was understandable, I supposed, he just wanted what was best for his tribe.
“No, I didn’t, but he did.”
“What?” he gasped. “He no longer wants you?”
“No, he still wants me,” I said. “But he is willing to give us provisions regardless of whether or not I choose to be his mate.”
Jameson’s jaw dropped. “What?”
“Yeah, he is fine with whatever I decide.”
Jameson smiled from ear to ear. “That is fantastic, Taylor! You get to stay within the tribe! I am so relieved to hear this. I had been thinking about who I could use to replace you as my hand and I couldn’t think of anyone. You’re truly vital to this tribe and I’m so glad we get to keep you.”
But that wasn’t what I said. I said he was fine with whatever I decided… And I hadn’t decided whether or not I was staying in this tribe.
God, what a crazy thought. An hour ago, I would’ve done anything to stay here. I loved my tribe so deeply and I could never imagine leaving. But now? Now all I could do was imagine what life would be like if I wasn’t here… and the life I imagined wasn’t all bad.
After all, despite my insistence that I could be happy without one, a mate was truly what I’d wanted for my entire life. Not just a mate, but a family. I’d be the mate of an alpha leader and my family would never want for anything, my kids would always be taken care of.
I wasn’t exactly positive that I felt something for Cole, not yet. I’d have to explore that more. But I did know one thing, I was never going to get a mate and a family here. That ship had sailed. I’d never found my mate among the men who lived here which meant I never would. So staying here meant I could stay the hand to Jameson, I could keep my job and the tribe I was familiar with, but I’d never reach the level of happiness I always desired.
And I may not reach that level of happiness with Cole, either. I couldn’t tell the future. I didn’t know if I’d develop feelings for him as strong as the ones he had for me… But I did know it would be a shot. A chance at that happiness. A chance I’d never get here.
I found myself fiddling with my thumbs a bit awkwardly. I did it without thinking and immediately wished I hadn’t because Jameson definitely noticed.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said.
“Are you… considering still being his mate?” he asked. “Because, you know, I understand if you feel obligated but you truly aren’t. You don’t have to do anything you don’t wish to.”
“I know that,” I said. “But… maybe I do wish to?”
Both his eyebrows rose. “What?”
“I mean, I’m not saying I do…” I defended myself quickly. “Right now, I have no idea how I feel or what I want to do but—”
“Taylor, Cole is an arrogant, pompous ass. He runs his tribe like a commander runs his military. He’s a ruthless man who will never understand the kind of lifestyle you grew up with. You would never be happy in his tribe.”
This was such a total 180. Before now, he’d hardly said a negative thing about Cole and I knew he wanted me to mate with him even if he didn’t say it out loud. but now that he was getting what he wanted, he was completely against it?
“A ruthless man who is giving us the provisions we need for nothing in return.”
He looked at me sternly. “Taylor, I am telling you, you wouldn’t be happy with him. You’re happy here, with your own tribe, being my hand.”
I couldn’t help but feel like he only thought this way because he didn’t want to lose me. I mean, sure, I’d always put on the illusion of happiness, but now that I thought about what Cole had said… That I wasn’t truly happy because I’d never found my mate. That pride in your tribe and your job couldn’t bring real contentment.
I was starting to believe he was right.
But this left me more torn than ever. I was barely starting to consider Cole as a possible mate but now my alpha leader, one I served and trusted my whole life, was vehemently against the idea. I was getting torn in so many directions.
“Regardless, I told him I would think about it and I believe he will be staying until I give him a final answer. It’s the least I can do for his favor.”
He still looked unhappy but nodded. “Sure, yes, think on it. I trust you will come to the right decision if you give it a lot of thought.”
Of course, the way he said it was already implying what the right decision was… To stay here.
“I will think about it carefully,” I promised. At this point, with my feelings confusing me so deeply, it was the only thing I could promise.
When I left Jameson’s house I decided to shift and go for a run. I ran the parameter of the village several times before I went home, trying to tire myself out in hopes that it would keep my mind at peace.
But it didn’t. As soon as I shifted out of my primal form, I had the same thoughts on my mind.
I crashed on my couch when I got home. It had been a whirlwind day and the day wasn’t even over. My mind had changed about so many things, flip flopped so many times, that I no longer could decipher what I felt.
Both Jameson’s and Cole’s conversations with me were floating around my mind, though Cole’s stood out to me more. His words had just made more sense to me, they always had. Ever since he arrived, he made sense to me like nobody ever had. I didn’t like it, it made me uncomfortable, but I couldn’t deny it. He spoke some truths to me.
What Jameson had been saying didn’t sound like truth. It just sounded like the words of a man who didn’t want to lose a very dedicated assistant. And I was sure he really did believe that Cole was an arrogant ass and that I’d be unhappy with him, so it wasn’t like I even blamed him for thinking this way. I didn’t at all.
But his emotions were clouding his judgement, which meant it might not be his judgement I could trust.
I looked up at my ceiling, taking in the white, empty color as I thought. That was exactly how I felt right now… like an empty, vast expanse of confusion.
Except unlike my confusion of days prior, there was something else mixed into it… a little bit of hope. Hope that maybe there could be a future for me… the future I actually wanted. But I’d have to have it with Cole.
The question was, was he right for me? Was he a man I could live my life with, raise my children with? I would miss my tribe if I mated with him, that was undeniable, but I’d do it if I meant I was going to be happy. So that was what I had to figure out. Would I be happy with him? I couldn’t deny that I liked his kiss, that his touch gave me butterflies… but that could have just been the heat of the moment. He had just told me he was going to help my tribe, after
all.
And then it hit me… There was only one way I was going to figure out if I was compatible with him. And it didn’t involve me being in my house alone.
I rushed over to the guest house before I had an opportunity to change my mind. It was nerve racking knowing that I’d soon be hanging out at Cole’s house, especially considering how much I’d been avoiding him. Now I was running straight to him, hoping that I got time with him.
He had been right, though. If he was a compatible mate, I didn’t want to let this slip through my grasp. If there was something here between us, I needed to know it. I didn’t want to regret not finding out for the rest of my life, no matter how nervous it made me.
He opened the door slowly and looked confused as soon as he saw me. “Taylor?”
I stepped into the house. “Hello,” I said softly.
“Hello,” he said back.” What are you doing here?”
“I’m, uh…” How could I explain what I was doing here?
As if he was reading my mind, he told me, “Just be honest.”
Right, exactly, be honest. If he truly is my mate, I’d be able to comfortably be myself around him.
“I don’t know how I feel about you yet. But I don’t want to let you slip from my fingers if you really are the man for me. So… here I am, to try and figure that out.”
“And how do you suppose you’ll do that?” he asked.
“I…” I hadn’t thought that far. “I don’t know. I don’t know how any of this works. If I’m being honest, I had written off the whole finding a mate thing for myself. This wasn’t something I actually expected was ever going to happen to me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to know that you’re the one for me, I don’t know how we move forward from here. But maybe if I spend enough time with you I’ll just… feel it?”
He gave a soft smile. “Yes, maybe you will. Here, come sit.”
I followed him over to the couch, though I sat far enough away from him where we weren’t touching. I don’t know, as good as him touching me felt, it also had felt very vulnerable. And I didn’t know if I was ready for that.