‘I will.’
‘You followed the trial from the beginning, you know all the details of it. Do you think my father is guilty?’
‘What can it matter what I think?’
‘I beg you to tell me.’
Alec hesitated for a moment. His voice was very low.
‘If I had been on the jury I’m afraid I should have had no alternative but to decide as they did.’
Lucy bent her head, and heavy tears rolled down her cheeks.
VII
Next morning Lucy received a note from Alec MacKenzie, asking if he might see her that day; he suggested calling upon her early in the afternoon and expressed the hope that he might find her alone. She sat in the library at Lady Kelsey’s and waited for him. She held a book in her hands, but she could not read. And presently she began to weep. Ever since the dreadful news had reached her, Lucy had done her utmost to preserve her self-control, and all night she had lain with clenched hands to prevent herself from giving way. For George’s sake and for her father’s, she felt that she must keep her strength. But now the strain was too great for her; she was alone; the tears began to flow helplessly, and she made no effort to restrain them.
She had been allowed to see her father. Lucy and George had gone to the prison, and she recalled now the details of the brief interview. The whole thing was horrible. She felt that her heart would break.
In the night indignation had seized Lucy. After reading accounts of the case in half a dozen papers she could not doubt that her father was justly condemned, and she was horrified at the baseness of the crime. His letters to the poor woman he had robbed, were read in court, and Lucy flushed as she thought of them. They were a tissue of lies, hypocritical and shameless. Lucy remembered the question she had put to Alec and his answer.
But neither the newspapers nor Alec’s words were needed to convince her of her father’s guilt; in the very depths of her being, notwithstanding the passion with which she reproached herself, she had been convinced of it. She would not acknowledge even to herself that she doubted him; and all her words, all her thoughts even, expressed a firm belief in his innocence; but a ghastly terror had lurked in some hidden recess of her consciousness. It haunted her soul like a mysterious shadow which there was no bodily shape to explain. The fear had caught her, as though with material hands, when first the news of his arrest was brought to Court Leys by Robert Boulger, and again at her father’s flat in Shaftesbury Avenue, when she saw a secret shame cowering behind the good-humoured flippancy of his smile. Notwithstanding his charm of manner and the tenderness of his affection for his children, she had known that he was a liar and a rascal. She hated him.
But when Lucy saw him, still with the hunted look that Dick had noticed at the trial, so changed from when last they had met, her anger melted away, and she felt only pity. She reproached herself bitterly. How could she be so heartless when he was suffering? At first he could not speak. He looked from one to the other of his children silently, with appealing eyes; and he saw the utter wretchedness which was on George’s face. George was ashamed to look at him and kept his eyes averted. Fred Allerton was suddenly grown old and bent; his poor face was sunken, and the skin had an ashy look like that of a dying man. He had already a cringing air, as if he must shrink away from his fellows. It was horrible to Lucy that she was not allowed to take him in her arms. He broke down utterly and sobbed.
‘Oh, Lucy, you don’t hate me?’ he whispered.
‘No, I’ve never loved you more than I love you now,’ she said.
And she said it truthfully. Her conscience smote her, and she wondered bitterly what she had left undone that might have averted this calamity.
‘I didn’t mean to do it,’ he said, brokenly.
Lucy looked at his poor, wearied eyes. It seemed very cruel that she might not kiss them.
‘I’d have paid her everything if she’d only have given me time. Luck was against me all through. I’ve been a bad father to both of you.’
Lucy was able to tell him that Lady Kelsey would pay the eight thousand pounds the woman had lost. The good creature had thought of it even before Lucy made the suggestion. At all events none of them need have on his conscience the beggary of that unfortunate person.
‘Alice was always a good soul,’ said Allerton. He clung to Lucy as though she were his only hope. ‘You won’t forget me while I’m away, Lucy?’
‘I’ll come and see you whenever I’m allowed to.’
‘It won’t be very long. I hope I shall die quickly.’
‘You mustn’t do that. You must keep well and strong for my sake and George’s. We shall never cease to love you, father.’
‘What’s going to happen to George now?’ he asked.
‘We shall find something for him. You need not worry about him.’
George flushed. He could find nothing to say. He was ashamed and angry. He wanted to get away quickly from that place of horror, and he was relieved when the warder told them it was time to go.
‘Good-bye, George,’ said Fred Allerton.
‘Good-bye.’
He kept his eyes sullenly fixed on the ground. The look of despair in Allerton’s face grew more intense. He saw that his son hated him. And it had been on him that all his light affection was placed. He had been very proud of the handsome boy. And now his son merely wanted to be rid of him. Bitter words rose to his lips, but his heart was too heavy to utter them, and they expressed themselves only in a sob.
‘Forgive me for all I’ve done against you, Lucy.’
‘Have courage, father, we will never love you less.’
He forced a sad smile to his lips. She included George in what she said, but he knew that she spoke only for herself. They went. And he turned away into the darkness.
Lucy’s tears relieved her a little. They exhausted her, and so made her agony more easy to bear. It was necessary now to think of the future. Alec MacKenzie must be there soon. She wondered why he had written, and what he could have to say that mattered. She could only think of her father, and above all of George. She dried her eyes, and with a deep sigh set herself methodically to consider the difficult problem.
When Alec came she rose gravely to receive him. For a moment he was overcome by her loveliness, and he gazed at her in silence. Lucy was a woman who was at her best in the tragic situations of life; her beauty was heightened by the travail of her soul, and the heaviness of her eyes gave a pathetic grandeur to her wan face. She advanced to meet sorrow with an unquailing glance, and Alec, who knew something of heroism, recognised the greatness of her heart. Of late he had been more than once to see that portrait of Diana of the Uplands, in which he, too, found the gracious healthiness of Lucy Allerton; but now she seemed like some sad queen, English to the very bones, who bore with a royal dignity an intolerable grief, and yet by the magnificence of her spirit turned into something wholly beautiful.
‘You must forgive me for forcing myself upon you to-day,’ he said slowly. ‘But my time is very short, and I wanted to speak to you at once.’
‘It is very good of you to come.’ She was embarrassed, and did not know what exactly to say. ‘I am always very glad to see you.’
He looked at her steadily, as though he were turning over in his mind her commonplace words. She smiled.
‘I wanted to thank you for your great kindness to me during these two or three weeks. You’ve been very good to me, and you’ve helped me to bear all that — I’ve had to bear.’
‘I would do far more for you than that,’ he answered. Suddenly it flashed through her mind why he had come. Her heart gave a great beat against her chest. The thought had never entered her head. She sat down and waited for him to speak. He did not move. There was a singular immobility about him when something absorbed his mind.
‘I wrote and asked if I might see you alone, because I had something that I wanted to say to you. I’ve wanted to say it ever since we were at Court Leys together, but I was going away — heaven only knows
when I shall come back, and perhaps something may happen to me — and I thought it was unfair to you to speak.’
He paused. His eyes were fixed upon hers. She waited for him to go on.
‘I wanted to ask you if you would marry me.’
She drew a long breath. Her face kept its expression of intense gravity.
‘It’s very kind and chivalrous of you to suggest it. You mustn’t think me ungrateful if I tell you I can’t.’
‘Why not?’ he asked quietly.
‘I must look after my father. If it is any use I shall go and live near the prison.’
‘There is no reason why you should not do that if you married me.’
She shook her head.
‘No, I must be free. As soon as my father is released I must be ready to live with him. And I can’t take an honest man’s name. It looks as if I were running away from my own and taking shelter elsewhere.’
She hesitated for a while, since it made her very shy to say what she had in mind. When she spoke it was in a low and trembling voice.
‘You don’t know how proud I was of my name and my family. For centuries they’ve been honest, decent people, and I felt that we’d had a part in the making of England. And now I feel utterly ashamed. Dick Lomas laughed at me because I was so proud of my family. I daresay I was stupid. I never paid much attention to rank and that kind of thing, but it did seem to me that family was different. I’ve seen my father, and he simply doesn’t realise for a moment that he’s done something horribly mean and shameful. There must be some taint in our nature. I couldn’t marry you; I should be afraid that my children would inherit the rottenness of my blood.’
He listened to what she said. Then he went up to her and put his hands on her shoulders. His calmness, and the steadiness of his voice seemed to quieten her.
‘I think you will be able to help your father and George better if you are my wife. I’m afraid your position will be very difficult. Won’t you give me the great happiness of helping you?’
‘We must stand on our own feet. I’m very grateful, but you can do nothing for us.’
‘I’m very awkward and stupid, I don’t know how to say what I want to. I think I loved you from that first day at Court Leys. I did not understand then what had happened; I suddenly felt that something new and strange had come into my life. And day by day I loved you more, and then it took up my whole soul. I’ve never loved anyone but you. I never can love anyone but you. I’ve been looking for you all my life.’
She could not stand the look of his eyes, and she cast hers down. He saw the exquisite shadow of her eyelashes on her cheek.
‘But I didn’t dare say anything to you then. Even if you had cared for me, it seemed unfair to bind you to me when I was starting on this expedition. But now I must speak. I go in a week. It would give me so much strength and courage if I knew that I had your love. I love you with all my heart.’
She looked up at him now, and her eyes were shining with tears, but they were not the tears of a hopeless pain.
‘I can’t marry you now. It would be unfair to you. I owe myself entirely to my father.’
He dropped his hands from her shoulders and stepped back.
‘It must be as you will.’
‘But don’t think I’m ungrateful,’ she said. ‘I’m so proud that I have your love. It seems to lift me up from the depths. You don’t know how much good you have done me.’
‘I wanted to help you, and you will let me do nothing for you.’
On a sudden a thought flashed through her. She gave a little cry of amazement, for here was the solution of her greatest difficulty.
‘Yes, you can do something for me. Will you take George with you?’
‘George?’
He remained silent for a moment, while he considered the proposition.
‘I can trust him in your hands. You will make a good and a strong man of him. Oh, won’t you give him this chance of washing out the stain that is on our name?’
‘Do you know that he will have to undergo hunger and thirst and every kind of hardship? It’s not a picnic that I’m going on.’
‘I’m willing that he should undergo everything. The cause is splendid. His self-respect is wavering in the balance. If he gets to noble work he will feel himself a man.’
‘There will be a good deal of fighting. It has seemed foolish to dwell on the dangers that await me, but I do realise that they are greater than I have ever faced before. This time it is win or die.’
‘The dangers can be no greater than those his ancestors have taken cheerfully.’
‘He may be wounded or killed.’
Lucy hesitated for an instant. The words she uttered came from unmoving lips.
‘If he dies a brave man’s death I can ask for nothing more.’
Alec smiled at her infinite courage. He was immensely proud of her.
‘Then tell him that I shall be glad to take him.’
‘May I call him now?’
Alec nodded. She rang the bell and told the servant who came that she wished to see her brother. George came in. The strain of the last fortnight, the horrible shock of his father’s conviction, had told on him far more than on Lucy. He looked worn and ill. He was broken down with shame. The corners of his mouth drooped querulously, and his handsome face bore an expression of utter misery. Alec looked at him steadily. He felt infinite pity for his youth, and there was a charm of manner about him, a way of appealing for sympathy, which touched the strong man. He wondered what character the boy had. His heart went out to him, and he loved him already because he was Lucy’s brother.
‘George, Mr. MacKenzie has offered to take you with him to Africa,’ she said eagerly. ‘Will you go?’
‘I’ll go anywhere so long as I can get out of this beastly country,’ he answered wearily. ‘I feel people are looking at me in the street when I go out, and they’re saying to one another: there’s the son of that swindling rotter who was sentenced to seven years.’
He wiped the palms of his hands with his handkerchief.
‘I don’t mind what I do. I can’t go back to Oxford; no one would speak to me. There’s nothing I can do in England at all. I wish to God I were dead.’
‘George, don’t say that.’
‘It’s all very well for you. You’re a girl, and it doesn’t matter. Do you suppose anyone would trust me with sixpence now? Oh, how could he? How could he?’
‘You must try and forget it, George,’ said Lucy, gently.
The boy pulled himself together and gave Alec a charming smile.
‘It’s awfully ripping of you to take pity on me.’
‘I want you to know before you decide that you’ll have to rough it all the time. It’ll be hard and dangerous work.’
‘Well, as far as I’m concerned it’s Hobson’s choice, isn’t it?’ he answered, bitterly.
Alec held out his hand, with one of his rare, quiet smiles.
‘I hope we shall pull well together and be good friends.’
‘And when you come back, George, everything will be over. I wish I were a man so that I might go with you. I wish I had your chance. You’ve got everything before you, George. I think no man has ever had such an opportunity. All our hope is in you. I want to be proud of you. All my self-respect depends on you. I want you to distinguish yourself, so that I may feel once more honest and strong and clean.’
Her voice was trembling with a deep emotion, and George, quick to respond, flushed.
‘I am a selfish beast,’ he cried. ‘I’ve been thinking of myself all the time. I’ve never given a thought to you.’
‘I don’t want you to: I only want you to be brave and honest and steadfast.’
The tears came to his eyes, and he put his arms around her neck. He nestled against her heart as a child might have done.
‘It’ll be awfully hard to leave you, Lucy.’
‘It’ll be harder for me, dear, because you will be doing great and heroic things, while I shall be a
ble only to wait and watch. But I want you to go.’ Her voice broke, and she spoke almost in a whisper. ‘And don’t forget that you’re going for my sake as well as for your own. If you did anything wrong or disgraceful it would break my heart.’
‘I swear to you that you’ll never be ashamed of me, Lucy,’ he said.
She kissed him and smiled. Alec had watched them silently. His heart was very full.
‘But we mustn’t be silly and sentimental, or Mr. MacKenzie will think us a pair of fools.’ She looked at him gaily. ‘We’re both very grateful to you.’
‘I’m afraid I’m starting almost at once,’ he said. ‘George must be ready in a week.’
‘George can be ready in twenty-four hours if need be,’ she answered.
The boy walked towards the window and lit a cigarette. He wanted to steady his nerves.
‘I’m afraid I shall be able to see little of you during the next few days,’ said Alec. ‘I have a great deal to do, and I must run up to Lancashire for the week-end.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Won’t you change your mind?’
She shook her head.
‘No, I can’t do that. I must have complete freedom.’
‘And when I come back?’
She smiled delightfully.
‘When you come back, if you still care, ask me again.’
‘And the answer?’
‘The answer perhaps will be different.’
VIII
A week later Alec MacKenzie and George Allerton started from Charing Cross. They were to go by P. & O. from Marseilles to Aden, and there catch a German boat which would take them to Mombassa. Lady Kelsey was far too distressed to see her nephew off; and Lucy was glad, since it gave her the chance of driving to the station alone with George. She found Dick Lomas and Mrs. Crowley already there. When the train steamed away, Lucy was standing a little apart from the others. She was quite still. She did not even wave her hand, and there was little expression on her face. Mrs. Crowley was crying cheerfully, and she dried her eyes with a tiny handkerchief. Lucy turned to her and thanked her for coming.
Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated) Page 118