Mrs. Dot.
Do you know why Nellie jilted you? Because you’re a bore.
Gerald.
[Smiling.] I daresay I’m very stupid. I suppose that’s why I love you so much.
Mrs. Dot.
My dear Gerald, you were cured of your passion for Nellie in a month. I have no doubt that a week in Paris will make your heart whole once more.
Gerald.
[Calmly.] Are you packing me off by any chance?
Mrs. Dot.
Marked — damaged.
Gerald.
[With his tongue in his cheek.] Then Good-bye!
Mrs. Dot.
Bon voyage.
[He turns to go and walks slowly to the door. She seizes a cushion and throws it at him, then turns her back on him. He stops, picks up the cushion and gravely brings it to her.
Gerald.
I think you dropped something.
Mrs. Dot.
[Gravely.] Thank you.
[He looks at her, with a smile. She begins to laugh. Suddenly he takes her in his arms.
Gerald.
You silly little fool.
THE END
PENELOPE
CONTENTS
CHARACTERS
THE FIRST ACT
THE SECOND ACT
THE THIRD ACT
CHARACTERS
This play, originally called Man and Wife, was produced at the Comedy Theatre on Saturday, January 9, 1909, with the following cast:
Dr. O’Farrell
W. Graham Browne
Professor Golightly
Alfred Bishop
Davenport Barlow
Eric Lewis
Mr. Beadsworth
Herbert Ross
Mr. Anderson
J. H. Brewer
Mrs. Fergusson
Norma Whalley
Mrs. Golightly
Kate Bishop
Mrs. Watson
Mrs. Charles Calvert
Peyton
E. Arthur Jones
Penelope
Marie Tempest
Penelope
Dr. O’Farrell
Professor Golightly
Mrs. Golightly
Mr. Davenport Barlow
Mrs. Fergusson
Mr. Beadsworth
Mrs. Watson
A Patient
Peyton
Scene: Dr. O’Farrell’s house in John Street, Mayfair
Time: The Present Day
The Performing Rights of this play are fully protected, and permission to perform it, whether by Amateurs or Professionals, must be obtained in advance from the author’s Sole Agent, R. Golding Bright, 20 Green Street, Leicester Square, London, W.C., from whom all particulars can be obtained.
THE FIRST ACT
Scene: A drawing-room in O’Farrell’s house in John Street. It is very prettily but not extravagantly furnished. The O’Farrells are a young married couple of modest income.
It is between six and seven in the evening.
Peyton, a neat parlour-maid, opens the door and shows in Mr. Davenport Barlow.
Barlow is a short, self-important person of middle age. He is very bald, red in the face, and wears a small, neatly curled moustache; he is dressed in the height of fashion. His manner is fussy and pompous. He comes forward as though he expected to find some one in the room. Seeing that it is empty, he stops and looks at Peyton. He cannot make out why there is no one to receive him.
Barlow.
[In a tone of surprise.] Is Mrs. O’Farrell not here?
Peyton.
No, sir.
Barlow.
H’m.... Will you let her know I’ve come?
Peyton.
Mrs. O’Farrell is not at home, sir.
Barlow.
Not at home?... But....
Peyton.
Mrs. O’Farrell said, would you kindly sit down and make yourself comfortable? And I was to give you the Morning Post.
Barlow.
[Pompously.] I can’t imagine why Mrs. O’Farrell should think I haven’t read the Morning Post at six o’clock in the evening.
Peyton.
[Imperturbably.] And Mrs. O’Farrell said, will you have a whisky and soda, sir?
Barlow.
But when is Mrs. O’Farrell coming in?
Peyton.
I don’t know at all, sir.
Barlow.
But she telegraphed to me this afternoon, asking me to come and see her at once.
Peyton.
Yes, sir; I took the telegram to the post office myself.
Barlow.
It seems very extraordinary that she should have gone out. The matter was of considerable importance.
Peyton.
[Politely.] Yes, sir.
Barlow.
Very well, I’ll sit down and wait. But I can’t stay long. I’m dining at ... no matter.
Peyton.
Very good, sir.
[Peyton goes out. Barlow goes to a looking-glass, takes a little brush out of his pocket, and brushes his moustache. Peyton comes in again with a small tray on which are a decanter, a syphon, and a glass.
Barlow.
Oh, thank you. Did you say you had the Morning Post?
Peyton.
Yes, sir. [She hands it to him.
Barlow.
Ah, thank you.
[Peyton goes out. Barlow helps himself to a whisky and soda, turns to the fashionable intelligence in the paper, and begins to read it with a little smile of self-satisfaction.
Barlow.
[Half to himself.] The Duchess of St. Erth returned to Wales yesterday. The Marchioness of Mereston has arrived at 89 Grosvenor Square. The Marchioness of Serlo and Lady Eleanor King leave for Paris this morning.
[Peyton comes in, followed by Mrs. Golightly. Mrs. Golightly is an extremely stout, good-natured lady of middle age. She is very active, but short of breath. She gives one a continual impression of having just run up a steep hill. She is Davenport Barlow’s sister.
Peyton.
Mrs. Golightly.
Barlow.
Isabel!
Mrs. Golightly.
Are you here, Davenport? Where’s Penelope?
Barlow.
[As if it were the most extraordinary thing in the world.] She’s out!
Mrs. Golightly.
[Astonished.] Out?
[She turns to Peyton with a look of inquiry.
Peyton.
Mrs. O’Farrell said, would you kindly sit down and make yourself comfortable, ma’am? And I was to bring you the Church Times.
Barlow.
But....
Peyton.
[Calmly.] And Mrs. O’Farrell said, will you have a strong cup of tea, ma’am?
Mrs. Golightly.
I’m surprised that Mrs. O’Farrell should have gone out, because she expected me.
Peyton.
[Handing Mrs. Golightly a paper.] Yes, ma’am.
Mrs. Golightly.
[Taking it.] What is this?
Peyton.
The Church Times, ma’am.
Mrs. Golightly.
[With a look of exasperation at Barlow.] Oh, thank you.... I think I will have a cup of tea, please.
Peyton.
Very good, ma’am.
[Exit.
Mrs. Golightly.
I wonder why on earth Penelope should insist on my reading the Church Times.
Barlow.
I’ve just had a telegram from her.
Mrs. Golightly.
So have I, asking me to come at once. [With a ray of light.] Perhaps we shall find some explanation in the Church Times.
Barlow.
Nonsense. What can the Church Times have to do with the Archduchess Anastasia?
Mrs. Golightly.
My dear Davenport, what are you talking about?
[Peyton enters to announce Professor Golightly and immediately afterwards goes out. Golightly is a tall, spare man with grey hair, well groo
med and alert. He is neatly dressed, quite tidy, and might just as well be a lawyer or a doctor as a professor of mathematics. He is clean-shaven.
Peyton.
Professor Golightly.
Golightly.
Hulloa, Davenport! [To his wife.] My dear, you’re the last person I expected to find here. I thought there was a meeting of the Missionary Society at the Albert Hall.
[Peyton comes in with a tray on which are tea-things, a glass of barley-water, and a copy of the “Athenæum.”
Mrs. Golightly.
Oh, thank you.
Peyton.
[To Golightly.] Mrs. O’Farrell said, will you have a glass of barley-water, sir?
Golightly.
Barley-water!
Peyton.
And I was to bring you the Athenæum. We couldn’t get this week’s, sir, but this is last week’s, and Mrs. O’Farrell hopes it will do as well.
Golightly.
[With a faint smile.] It’s very kind of you to have taken so much trouble.
Peyton.
Thank you, sir.
[Exit.
Golightly.
What on earth does Penelope want me to do with last week’s Athenæum and a glass of barley-water?
Barlow.
Well, presumably she wants you to drink the one and to read the other.
Golightly.
[To his wife.] My dear, I think it’s very hard that you should have brought up our only child on the idea that my favourite form of refreshment is barley-water.
Barlow.
It looks as if Penelope expected you, too.
Golightly.
I’ve just had a wire from her.
Barlow.
Have you? I wonder why on earth she wired to you.
Mrs. Golightly.
It’s so extraordinary that she shouldn’t be here. It makes me feel very nervous.
Golightly.
Well, frankly, I couldn’t make head or tail of it, so I jumped into a motor cab and came round from the club at once.
[Peyton comes in, followed by Beadsworth. He is a middle-aged solicitor, with a benign manner.
Peyton.
Mr. Beadsworth.
Golightly.
Well, I’m hanged.
Barlow.
My dear Charles, I wish you wouldn’t be slangy. It’s gone out in our set.
Beadsworth.
[Shaking hands with Mrs. Golightly.] I’ve just had a telegram from Penelope asking me to come at once. [Turning to Peyton.] Will you let Mrs. O’Farrell know I’m here?
Golightly.
She’s out.
Peyton.
Mrs. O’Farrell said, would you make yourself comfortable, sir, and we’ve got the Law Times if you’d like to read it, and will you have a glass of port, sir?
[Beadsworth looks round at the others in bewilderment.
Golightly.
By all means have a glass of port, and I’ll swop it for my barley-water.
Beadsworth.
[To Peyton.] Thank you.
Peyton.
[Handing him the paper.] Very good, sir.
[Exit.
Beadsworth.
What does she want me to do with the Law Times?
Golightly.
I asked the same question when Peyton handed me last week’s Athenæum, and Davenport, with the perspicacity that distinguishes him, answered: read it.
Beadsworth.
Can you tell me what Penelope wants? Her telegram suggested that she wished to see me not as an old friend, but in my official capacity as the family solicitor.
Golightly.
I haven’t an idea. I thought her telegram most mysterious.
Mrs. Golightly.
I wish she’d come in. I’m beginning to be dreadfully uneasy.
Barlow.
[Rather pompously.] I think I can put your minds at rest. I am in a position to explain the whole matter to you. The telegram she sent me makes it perfectly clear. I daresay you know that the Archduchess Anastasia is a patient of Dickie’s. And a very nice patient for him to have. I’ve never met her, though I happen to know several members of her family, and she’s a very cultivated, pleasant woman. I’ve always said to Dickie that that is the sort of practice he ought to get. The middle classes do a doctor no good.
Golightly.
My dear Davenport, do go on with your story.
Barlow.
Well, it appears that the Archduchess Anastasia has signified her desire to know Penelope. Very charming and graceful action on her part, and just like her. Of course she’s extremely grateful to Dickie for all he’s done. He’s worked a miraculous cure, and I daresay she’s heard that Penelope is my niece. It’s a maxim you can always go on: royalty knows everything. And the long and the short of it is that she’s coming to lunch here. Of course Penelope knows nothing about these matters, and in a state of great excitement she’s sent for me. It’s the best thing she could do. I can tell her everything. I’ve lived in that set all my life. It’s nothing to be particularly proud about — mere accident of birth — I happen to be a gentleman. A certain family. Well, there it is, you see.
Golightly.
But do you mean to say that Penelope wired all that to you? It must have cost her a perfect fortune.
Barlow.
She put it a little more briefly, of course, but that was the gist of it.
Beadsworth.
I can’t imagine why she should send for me because a royalty is coming to luncheon with her. It was very inconvenient to get away. I had a dozen people waiting to see me, and I was obliged to slip out by the back door in order to avoid them.
Golightly.
But what are the exact words of the wire she sent you, Davenport?
Barlow.
You can see it if you like. [Taking it from his pocket and reading.] “Come at once. Archduchess Anastasia. Penelope.”
Golightly.
But d’you mean to say that you made up all that story out of those three words?
Barlow.
Penelope knew I had a certain amount of intelligence. She didn’t want to waste her money, so she just put what was essential, and left me to gather the rest.
Mrs. Golightly.
But my telegram says nothing about the Archduchess Anastasia.
Barlow.
What did Penelope say to you?
Mrs. Golightly.
[Taking out the telegram.] “Come at once! Grave scandal! Central African Mission. Penelope.”
Barlow.
But that’s absurd. You know how stupid the Post Office is. They must have made a mistake. I know that the Pomeranian Royal Family is very odd, but there are limits, and I can’t imagine the Archduchess Anastasia being mixed up in a scandal with a Central African missionary.
Beadsworth.
Well, my wire merely said: “Come at once; six and eightpence. Penelope.”
Barlow.
Six and eightpence! Why six and eightpence?
Beadsworth.
I don’t know. That is why I lost no time in coming.
Golightly.
[With a twinkle.] My impression is that the Archduchess Anastasia, instead of paying Dickie’s bill for miraculously curing her, has eloped with a missionary, and Penelope, by aid of the law [with a gesture towards Beadsworth], wants to recover the money.
Barlow.
It’s nonsense! You’re so unpractical, Charles.
Mrs. Golightly.
[To her husband.] But you had a telegram too, dear.
Golightly.
“Come at once. Decimal 7035. Penelope.”
Barlow.
How very odd.
[The door is softly opened and Penelope slips in; for a moment the others do not see her, and she stands smiling at them. Golightly catches sight of her. All the others turn.]
Golightly.
Penelope.
The Others.
Penelope.
Penelope.
[Comi
ng forward and kissing Mrs. Golightly.] Good evening, mamma!
Barlow.
[Eagerly.] Well?
Penelope.
Well, papa. [She puts her face up for him to kiss.]
Mrs. Golightly.
[Anxiously.] Now, Penelope.
Penelope.
Oh, Mr. Beadsworth, how nice of you to come. [She shakes hands with him.] Kiss me, Uncle Davenport. [She calmly puts up her face. With some irritation he kisses her.]
Penelope.
Thank you.... Was your whisky and soda quite right? [Looking round.] And the port? Father, you haven’t touched the barley-water. You ungrateful old thing!
Mrs. Golightly.
[Exasperated.] My dear, for goodness’ sake explain.
Barlow.
Where have you been all this time?
Penelope.
I — I’ve been sitting in the consulting-room. [With a roguish smile.] I watched you all come in.
Mrs. Golightly.
[Rather injured.] Peyton said you were out.
Barlow.
Really, Penelope, I think your behaviour is outrageous.
Penelope.
You see, I thought if I saw you one after the other as you came in, I should have to make four scenes instead of one. It would have been very exhausting and not nearly so effective.
Golightly.
Are you going to make a scene?
Penelope.
[With the greatest satisfaction.] I’m going to make a dreadful scene in a minute.
Mrs. Golightly.
Now, my dear, before you go any further, for goodness’ sake tell us what you meant by your telegrams.
Penelope.
Well, you see, I wanted you all to come immediately, and I thought the best thing was to trail your ruling passions under your noses.
Mrs. Golightly.
Do you understand what she means, Charles?
Penelope.
My dear mother, it’s the simplest thing in the world. You spend your life in converting the heathen — from a distance — and I knew if I mentioned the Central African Mission you’d fly here on the wings of the wind.
Mrs. Golightly.
In point of fact I came in an omnibus. But do you mean to tell me that there has been no scandal in connection with the Central African Mission?
Penelope.
[Smiling.] I’m dreadfully sorry to disappoint you, mother.
Golightly.
And what in heaven’s name made you wire decimal 7035 to me?
Penelope.
Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated) Page 345