In the first week of university, at freshers’ week, she found that she couldn’t just go up to people, put her arm around them and say: ‘Yooooo! What’s up, old chum?’ That would be weird. So, she inserted herself into groups and listened to people talk about their gap year – gap yaaaaaa – the places they’d travelled, the lives they’d led in high school and Mae realised how small her life had been. Still was. Aside from that, she wasn’t sure how to achieve the middle ground of small talk; something between familiarity and mundanity. Something to show a flavour of who she was without scaring people off. Instead, she remained a passive listener. The first day she told herself it was to be expected, of course. Throughout the week, when the discomfort hadn’t shifted, she reasoned that there was too much hubbub for her to really have a go at the whole ‘middle-ground’ thing. When it came to lectures though, everyone seemed to naturally get into groups afterwards, as if they’d all known each other for ever. She went to the student bar to see if she could see any familiar faces from class and just sidle up to them, but as soon as she did see anyone she knew she got a sudden bout of anxiety: What if they think I’m intruding? What if they don’t want me to sit with them? What if they don’t like me? The self-assured, unflappable, happy go-lucky Mae of Wyvernage didn’t seem to translate in the outside world. Now that she was home, at least she could just be herself.
Fatti: It’s sweet.
Mae: Think ur mistakin sweet wiv VOM.
Farah: Speaking of. Was going to come over early and help Mum with party stuff tonight but Zoya’s being ratty and just thrown up her breakfast all over my hair.
Fatti: Adam’s been the same! Did you get that teething toy I told you about?
So it began – the inevitable conversation about babies. Mae loved her niece and nephew as much as the next aunt, but there was only so much chat about baby formula and nappies she could take.
Farah: Bubblee was meant to have got it yesterday but she forgot.
Bubblee: Yes, yes, I know. You’ve reminded me ten times. I told you I’d pick it up today.
Mae: Ah da happy couple. LOL.
‘Are you here to sleep all day?’
Her mum had burst through the door without knocking and was looming at the entrance, wearing a floral print chiffon sari. So, what? Did her mum dress up now? Mae grunted and pushed her head under the duvet.
‘Is this what you do at uni? Sleep all day? Your baba didn’t give you so much of our savings only to waste it. Come and help me in the kitchen for the party.’
‘Ugh.’
And that was the other thing. Her parents were helping her to pay for university, the least she should be doing is enjoying it …
Mae stumbled out of her bed, almost falling over her Converses as her mum opened up the curtains, which let in very little light because of the neighbour’s huge tree. She looked around the room – it was crowded enough with just her in it, let alone her mum and her pungent perfume. Still, since it was a party for her, she supposed she could bring herself to help, and she had to remember that having babies wasn’t easy. Of course it was going to be hard for her sisters to find extra time to come and see her and hang out the way they used to. It was unreasonable to expect this. Didn’t stop it from being annoying though. Mae turned around to notice her mother staring at her.
‘What?’ asked Mae.
‘What are you eating at university?’
‘Whatever I can,’ replied Mae, thinking this was quite funny.
Her mum didn’t seem to share the sentiment though.
‘What happened to your carrot sticks and spinach and I don’t know what other healthy things you made your abba always buy for you?’
Mae shrugged, putting her hands on her mum’s shoulders. ‘Realised there was more to life.’
Her mum simply shook her head and walked out of the room, mumbling something under her breath.
‘All hail the prodigal babies return,’ exclaimed Mae as her sisters and brother in-law, armed with babies, tumbled into the house.
‘There she is,’ said Bubblee, starting as she looked at Mae. ‘Oh. Oh, never mind,’ she added before pulling Mae into a hug. ‘Good to see you, kid.’
Mae’s heart relaxed at the familiarity of the family together. Farah had also pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back and looking at her up and down. (What was up with all her family’s looks?)
Farah and Bubblee might’ve been twins but Bubblee always was the prettier of the two. Now that Mae was here, she thought that actually Bubblee looked even better than she remembered – fresh-faced and … what was it? She stared at her sister for a while when it struck her. Bloody hell. Could it be? Did Bubblee actually look happy? It wasn’t a characteristic anyone ever associated with Bubblee, and what was even weirder was how Bubblee kissed their mum on the cheek and asked how she was. Motherhood really could bring all sorts together.
‘Look how pretty you look,’ said her mum to Bubblee. ‘When will you find a husband?’
Oh, lord. Not five minutes they’re all together and it was all about to kick off. Mae waited for Bubblee’s ensuing tirade: Stop trying to bind me to the patriarchy! I’m happy the way I am. You’ve never understood me. I don’t need a man. I don’t want a man … etc., etc. But, much to Mae’s alarm, Bubblee simply rolled her eyes, a smile playing on her lips, as she said, ‘Honestly, Mum …’
‘Look, it’s Mae Kala1,’ said Fatti, handing Adam over to her.
‘Oh,’ said Mae, looking at the chubby face and big brown eyes. ‘All right, Ads? What’s going on?’
His response was to dribble saliva on to his My Dad Rocks bib, crease his brows into a frown and kick his legs about.
‘Don’t hold him like that. He’s not a puppy,’ said Bubblee as she showed Mae how to cradle him.
‘Yeah, I know. I have done this before, remember? Like, all Christmas.’
Which was true enough except Mae still couldn’t help her awkwardness at holding babies. And they were bigger now – squirmier and whinier – if that was possible.
Mae waited for Fatti to take her baby back but Fatti was too busy telling Farah that she and Ash managed to get four hours of solid sleep last night. Ash joined in on the conversation about the baby that he and his wife seemed to have forgotten.
‘Let’s not make Zoya jealous now,’ said Farah to Mae. ‘Sit down.’
Mae sank into the sofa as Farah placed her niece into Mae’s other arm. She stared at both babies who looked up at her as if expecting her to say something, anything, to entertain them.
‘Weather’s a bit crap, isn’t it?’ offered Mae.
Zoya’s response was to spit some milk out of the side of her mouth, but Mae’s hands were fully occupied. As she looked up for help she realised that her dad and Ash had gone into the garden, her mum had gone into the kitchen, and Farah and Fatti were still talking as Bubblee was on her phone.
‘I’ve said to Ash, please, don’t use your phone around the baby,’ said Fatti. ‘It’s not good for them or you. You know?’
‘Yes, well, unfortunately some people aren’t as reasonable as Ash,’ replied Farah.
‘Oh, here we go,’ said Bubblee putting the phone in her back pocket and raising her hands. ‘Happy?’
Farah’s response was to fold her arms and sigh.
‘Er, guys. Yo. A little bit of help here, yeah?’
The three sisters turned around.
‘Ah, look at little Mae with our babies. Take a picture,’ said Farah. ‘They all look so cute.’
‘Now you want me to take out my phone?’ replied Bubblee, getting its camera ready. ‘Smile. Hmm, no. Let’s take another one.’
Farah scurried across to fix Zoya’s collar that was obscuring her face, managing to wipe the milk off at the same time.
‘Mae, look like you’re happy to be home,’ said Bubblee.
‘Of course she’s happy to be home,’ beamed Fatti. ‘It’s not the same without you, you know. So, tell us all about uni then. How’s it going?’
‘What are your lectures like?’ asked Farah.
‘Have you joined any societies? I hope you’ve taken up with some feminist movements,’ added Bubblee. ‘These are your formative years. So much of what you learn now’s going to affect your future. Make memories, you know? God, I loved uni. It was just the best time. Even though I didn’t become quite the artist I thought I would.’ She paused. ‘Anyway, that’s fine, because if I hadn’t failed at that I wouldn’t be doing all this interesting stuff now. Or “innovative” as one reviewer called it. Not to brag.’
Farah seemed to be ignoring the conversation on purpose but Fatti interjected with an, ‘Exactly. This pop-up gallery idea is so brilliant. Isn’t it, Farah?’
‘Mmm.’
‘So,’ continued Fatti. ‘Tell us about all your new friends.’
‘Oh, you know,’ said Mae. ‘It’s mad, isn’t it? All those new people. I’ve not really made that many friends. Just acquaintances.’
None of them responded.
‘Like, there are just so many people, so I’m all … you know …’ Mae shook her head as if crazed. ‘Mad.’
Bubblee took some peanuts from the bowl and put them in her mouth, nodding fondly. ‘I like the idea of you being a lone wolf. Not being tied down to any one person or group. Good. Well done.’
Why had Mae lied? She got so nervous that her sisters might think she was a loser – not the ‘fun Mae’ they said she’d be at uni – that she panicked. She wanted to say being a lone wolf wasn’t exactly out of choice. That she’d quite like to be a part of some kind of group so she had someone to hang out with during breaks and in the evenings, instead of updating her social media.
‘As long as you’re happy,’ added Fatti.
It was on the tip of Mae’s tongue to say that actually, maybe she wasn’t happy, when her mum’s voice came from the kitchen, asking for help. Much to Mae’s alarm her sisters left her with their babies while she heard laughter and chat from the kitchen. That was soon drowned out by Zoya who began to cry, swiftly followed by Adam.
‘Yeah,’ she said to both of them, trying to rock them at the same time. ‘I know how you feel.’
In fact, Mae felt it more acutely than she thought she would when it transpired that this little family gathering had nothing to do with her coming home for the Easter break. Apparently having babies that were teething was more worthy of celebration. What exactly had happened to this family?
‘God, I could kill a doner kebab right now,’ she said, putting a pakora in her mouth.
Her sisters all looked at her. Fatti cleared her throat and her dad pushed the plate of pakoras away from her.
‘I knew the student lifestyle would break you, Miss Kale Smoothie,’ said Bubblee. ‘Tell me, do students still live on beans on toast?’
Mae scoffed. The irony of the fact that she had been addicted to healthy eating pre-university wasn’t lost on her. Moving away was meant to open up her horizons but actually opened up her palate as well. Though some might say it wasn’t opening her palate so much as it was destroying it.
‘No. Everyone’s all organic now. It’s mad. You can’t go to a café without having something gluten-free shoved in your face. It’s such a cliché.’
‘So, you’re the one who’s having beans on toast?’ asked Farah. ‘Never thought we’d see the day. Speaking of, I made a decent cauliflower and cheese for Zoya but I think the cheese was too heavy for her.’
‘Yeah,’ added Fatti. ‘Adam had the same problem in the beginning but just start with small portions at first and they get used to it.’
‘Have some more rice, Jay’s abba,’ said their mum, getting up to put more food on their dad’s plate.
‘Sorry,’ said Bubblee. ‘Have to take this call.’
She got up from the dinner table as Farah watched her go. ‘I’m telling you, I’m going to take that phone and throw it in the toilet.’
‘You have to understand her work’s important to her,’ explained Fatti.
‘Not more important than a baby,’ said Ash.
‘Thank you,’ said Farah. ‘Exactly.’
‘The baby’s asleep,’ said Fatti.
‘That’s not the point.’
Mae sighed inwardly and got up from the table. Seemed as if the honeymoon period of co-parenting, bringing the sisters closer together, was waning now that Bubblee was concentrating on her work. Mae went up to her room and wondered how long it’d be until someone actually noticed. Somewhere between university and home, her place in the family had disintegrated and it was as if she was taking up space rather than filling the one she’d left behind.
There was a light knock on the door before it opened.
‘All right, squirt?’
‘Jay!’
Mae bounced off the bed and gave her brother a hug.
‘Sorry I missed the party,’ he said.
‘You didn’t miss much.’
He looked down at her and nodded. ‘Keeping well then?’
What did all this ‘keeping well’ mean? Mae asked about his work. He waved his hand around, saying that it was a delivery job, how good could it be?
‘You stole my room,’ she said, laughing and pushing him.
Now that Jay was here she didn’t mind nearly as much.
‘I’m the man of the house. Got to have my due.’
‘Ugh,’ said Mae. ‘That’d be Dad, actually, and don’t be a loser.’
‘All right, squirt. I’m off to bed. Early start tomorrow.’
Was that it? Jay left the room and Mae sat back down on her bed. For some reason she always expected Jay to be this great big brother because that’s how she imagined him in her head, but this greatness, even years later, still hadn’t emerged. After all the disappointments, and the mistakes he’d made, affecting the whole family, he still seemed untouched by it all. Her thoughts were interrupted by sounds of one of the baby’s crying until it was followed by someone shouting, ‘Mae, Zoya’s woken up. Could you bring her down, please?’
This would not do. This would not do at all.
Chapter Two
The following day Mae woke up to smells of cooking and her mum speaking on the phone at full volume. She put the pillow over her head but nothing short of being in a soundproof bunker could drown her out. Getting out of bed, Mae stubbed her toe, followed by banging her head on the wardrobe because she was in a box room.
As she sat at the breakfast table, eating her toast slathered with peanut butter before taking to her Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, she listened to her mum’s monologue about Adam and Zoya. Mae could’ve left the room and she didn’t think her mum would’ve noticed. It was only when her dad came in and patted her on the head, sitting down to have some tea, that she was able to have a conversation about something normal, like the flowers he was growing in his garden. She stacked them up as two of the least boring minutes of her return.
By the afternoon Mae had taken her dad’s car and gone to Fatti’s, but she was so preoccupied with Adam they couldn’t have a conversation without interruption. Mae returned home to find Farah there with their mum, but the conversation was all about, surprise, surprise, Zoya. It did turn, for a moment, to Farah possibly getting married. Farah just looked at her baby and said: ‘I don’t think I want to any more.’
‘What do you mean?’ said their mum. ‘A husband is good for you. We should start looking for you.’
‘No means no, Amma,’ said Mae.
‘Your turn will also come after uni,’ their mum replied.
‘No, really, Amma,’ said Farah, looking at her. ‘I’m happy like this. Really happy.’
Her mum looked confused. ‘But what does that have to do with it?’
‘Er, kind of everything,’ replied Mae.
‘What do you know?’ said their mum. ‘You’re still a baby too.’
‘A nineteen-year-old, Amma. Kind of done with needing nappies, I’d say.’
But her mum ignored her and continued to press Farah about it. A woman couldn
’t live alone her whole life – what would she do when she’s old?
‘Amma,’ said Farah. ‘I tried marriage once, and I don’t want to try it again. That’s the end of it.’
Eventually their mum just shook her head, said, ‘You girls,’ and started talking about what to cook for dinner.
Mae felt at a loss. She didn’t seem to fit into any space in this family, not one where she could actually be a part of something. It occurred to her that the only reason she had ever fitted in was because she was always dealing with other people’s dramas, trying to patch things up between them. Now that everyone seemed self-sufficient, where did she come in? She would’ve called her high-school friends except one had moved to Edinburgh and had seemed to get so involved with uni life that she no longer had time to return Mae’s messages, while the other had gone to Australia, of all places, to study. They’d email, like each other’s stuff on Facebook and Twitter, comment on any cool Instagram shots, but hadn’t once had a proper conversation since leaving for university.
It was the next day, when Mae came down to the kitchen to see her mum giggling as her dad pinched her bum, that she felt her bile rise again. She went straight back into her little room and stayed in there, watching shows on Netflix, until midday, when her mum began telling her off for being lazy and not helping around the house.
That’s when Mae decided to pack her bags and tell her family that she had to go back to university to finish up a project.
‘But you only just arrived,’ said her dad, who seemed to be the only one genuinely upset by her news.
‘Soz, Pops. Life of the uni student, isn’t it? Gotta make those grades.’
She felt a flush of embarrassment at this dual lie because she knew her grades weren’t exactly making the cut. It was all that time she spent on social media and staring at the ceiling. Her mind refused to focus. There was too much to distract her and nothing to occupy her all at the same time.
The Hopes and Triumphs of the Amir Sisters Page 2