‘I’ve already eaten, anyway,’ she said.
‘You’re going?’ he asked.
She did want to go. She wanted to call Abdul-Raheem and hear his voice, tell him about her day, have him ask questions about it. But maybe Fatti needed her more than Mae needed Abdul-Raheem.
‘No,’ she replied. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘I can’t believe it,’ said Fatti as she loaded the dishwasher.
Mae’s own hands were free because Ilyaas was holding Adam.
‘And Aima actually helped bring the dishes in,’ added Fatti.
‘The lazy cow—’
‘Shhh.’
‘The lazy cow,’ repeated Mae, lowering her voice, ‘should’ve been doing it all along. Doesn’t Ash say anything to her?’
Fatti ran a plate under the sink before she put it in the dishwasher. ‘I guess he’s too tired to notice. Between work and Adam screaming at night, he just … I don’t know … switches off.’
‘When do you switch off?’ asked Mae, popping a Malteser in her mouth.
‘I’m a wife, mother and stepmother. I don’t get to switch off.’
Mae scrunched up her face. ‘What is this? The nineteen fifties?’
‘Mae, you don’t …’
‘What? What don’t I do?’
‘Nothing,’ said Fatti. ‘I appreciate you being here.’
‘I’d appreciate you finishing your sentence,’ replied Mae.
She was getting a little tired of how her sisters babied her, pretending they had life all figured out and she just flitted around having fun, never experiencing the general trials of being alive.
‘It was nothing,’ said Fatti. ‘Forget it.’
‘No. Just say what you wanted to,’ said Mae, forgetting about the box of Maltesers.
‘It’s just … and don’t take this the wrong way, because I don’t mean anything bad by it. But, you’re young.’
Mae felt her breathing get faster, her face felt hot.
‘What’s your point?’
‘My point,’ said Fatti, wiping her hands with the tea towel and closing the dishwasher, ‘is that there are some things you can only really understand when you’re in them. Like marriage. And being a mum.’
Mae stared at her sister for a while. She expected this kind of stuff from Farah and Bubblee, but not from Fatti. Fatti was always meant to be on Mae’s side, to get her and love her and think she was perfect, no matter how imperfect she actually was.
‘Is this what marriage and motherhood does to you?’ asked Mae.
‘What?’ said Fatti, looking genuinely confused.
‘Turns you all holier-than-thou.’
Mae saw Fatti swallow hard. ‘No. I didn’t say that. That’s not what I meant. How could I be holier than thou? I haven’t washed my hair in a week.’
‘Whatever,’ said Mae, turning to leave the kitchen.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Home.’
Which was a lie. She’d just drive around, park up somewhere and wait until it was late enough to not have to endure too much of her parents, but early enough so that they wouldn’t ask questions. God, she missed the freedom of university. At least no one was married with babies. At least she was respected as a human being in her own right. Or she would be if she had any friends. Where was Ji Su? Why couldn’t she forgive Mae?
‘Are you angry with me?’ said Fatti.
Mae paused and turned around. ‘Yeah. Kinda.’
And she walked out, leaving behind a bewildered Fatti on the verge of tears.
Mae had got into her car and already regretted the way she’d left, but felt, on principle, that it was the right thing to have done. Of all the people to say something like that to her – Fatti? It was the disappointment. The one thread of hope in her family that she was seen as a fully rounded person broke in that kitchen, and Mae felt a desperate sense of separateness from everything. She got her phone.
Abdul-Raheem: It’s going good. He can’t wait to meet you.
Mae stared at the message. He told his dad? His dad wants to meet her? Her breathing got fast as she gulped and came out of WhatsApp. Isn’t this what women wanted? For men to be like, interested? But everything seemed to be happening so quickly. Then her phone rang.
It was Abdul-Raheem.
She looked at his name flash on her screen but couldn’t quite bring herself to pick it up. Instead she let it ring until he finally hung up.
Was there something wrong with Mae? No. Even she knew that things were moving too fast. They hadn’t even kissed properly yet! She knew that this wasn’t entirely unusual because he was keen on being a ‘good’ Muslim, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to be kissed, to be able to kiss him whenever she wanted. At least it might begin to feel serious enough to then warrant meeting his dad. Mae was startled out of her thoughts by a knock on her window.
‘Hey,’ she said, putting down her mobile and looking at Ilyaas.
‘Why’d you leave?’ he asked.
‘Things to do.’
She went to start the car and was about to say bye when he said: ‘Can I come with you?’
Oh God.
‘You’d just get bored. I was going to go and do some uni reading,’ she lied.
He shrugged. ‘That’s all right.’
He looked at her so desperately she could hardly say no. Mae held in her need to bang her head on the steering wheel, and would have to not think about why she suddenly felt so stifled by Abdul-Raheem as Ilyaas got into the passenger’s side. She drove into town and they sat in the same café she and Abdul-Raheem had their first date.
‘Where are your books?’ said Ilyaas.
‘What?’
‘Your books? For studying?’
Mae had not thought this through.
‘Why don’t we just chill out?’ she said. ‘We can have dessert, if you want.’
‘Yeah. All right,’ replied Ilyaas, picking up the paper menu. ‘I’ll have the apple pie.’
The waitress came and took their orders. Mae naturally asked for a side of chips with her chocolate bomb cake.
‘How’s work going?’ she asked.
Ilyaas shrugged.
‘You missing home?’
Ilyaas shrugged again. Mae was beginning to understand what people meant when they said they were at the end of their tether. The waitress came and delivered their desserts and Mae’s chips.
‘I guess we’ll just sit in silence then,’ said Mae, picking up a chip.
Ilyaas stabbed at his pie with a fork. After him hardly taking a bite of it, Mae asked, ‘If you don’t want it, I’ll take it, you know.’
He pushed the plate towards her, his fork still in his hand. ‘What’s it like at uni?’ he asked eventually.
Mae paused. This question, along with everything else, seriously hampered her enjoyment of the apple pie. ‘It’s great. There’s the best doner kebab in town.’
She said it with perhaps more enthusiasm than intended, and Ilyaas looked at her as if dubious about this answer.
‘You know,’ she added, ‘I guess it’s not all fun and games. Obviously. You’re there to study, after all.’
He nodded. ‘But, like, what’s it like? To be around all those people?’
Ilyaas never seemed to be on his phone the way Aima was, he’d not ever talk about any of his friends either, but then it wasn’t as if he talked about anything.
‘Weird,’ she said. ‘Especially when you’re not used to being around so many. And when they all seem to have these amazing lives and you’re like, I’ve spent my life between my family’s living room and my bedroom.’
He let out a small laugh.
‘Don’t you like people?’ she asked.
Mae swore if he shrugged one more time she’d have to shake him.
‘They’re just …’
‘What?’
‘My sister’s all cool and stuff, isn’t it? And, like, she has loads of friends but …’
‘But
you don’t find it so easy?’ Mae asked.
He shook his head and looked down at the table again. ‘Whatever, though. My high school’s full of morons and I can’t wait to get out of there.’
‘High school’s tough,’ said Mae, with a knowing nod.
‘Life gets better though.’
‘Does it?’
He looked straight into her eyes as if challenging her. Did he see through her white lie?
‘I mean … yeah.’
‘Don’t really sound like you mean it,’ said Ilyaas.
Mae put her spoon down and leaned forward. ‘All right, fine. It’s crap sometimes, and might get crappier. But you’ve got a family who love you and a new baby brother. You’re a good-looking kid and Fatti was saying how much Ash loves having you around the office. That you’re a really good worker.’
Mae noticed Ilyaas’s cheeks flush as he lowered his gaze again.
‘It’s true,’ she said. ‘So, at least you know you’re making a difference to your dad’s work day.’
He looked up at her and went to pull his plate with the apple pie back.
‘Don’t think so,’ said Mae, holding on to it. ‘Losers weepers.’
‘Whatever,’ Ilyaas said, tugging at the plate, laughing, before Mae let it go.
‘That’s really bad form, by the way. Giving someone your pie and then taking it back.’
Mae licked her spoon before diving in for her chips as he stared at her.
‘I’m joking,’ said Mae.
‘What? Yeah, no, I know.’
‘God, I miss those doner kebabs,’ she said.
‘That good?’
‘The best.’
They both ate their respective foods and Mae felt quite fond of Ilyaas. He might not be the most talkative person in the world, but she guessed there was always a story behind why someone was the way they were. She looked up at him and noticed him staring at her. Did she have something on her face? She smiled but he just kept looking at her with such intensity she didn’t know what to do. Then her phone rang. It was lying on the table and Ilyaas’s eyes flicked towards the screen as Abdul-Raheem’s name popped up and her heart skipped a beat. She snatched at the phone. If it was a choice between speaking to Abdul-Raheem and having Ilyaas stare at her then she knew what she was going to choose.
‘Give me one sec, okay?’ she said to Ilyaas as she slid out of her chair and walked outside the café.
‘Hello?’ she said.
‘Hey, asalamoalaikum.’
‘How’s it going?’ she asked, trying to sound normal.
She had to remember that Abdul-Raheem had all these ideals about meeting families, but it didn’t mean she had to go along with them.
‘Good. Great. Dad’s on good form. How are you? What’s going on?’
Before Mae could stop herself she launched into what had happened that day with all of her sisters, how she just needed to be alone, that Ilyaas ended up getting in the car with her and she couldn’t say no. Obviously she left out the bits about her panicking about Abdul-Raheem wanting her to meet his dad.
‘Take a breath,’ he said.
She did as he suggested.
‘It’s okay,’ he added.
‘I’m so fed up of hearing crap about my age and how I don’t know about the world from everyone. Imagine listening to all that when everyone’s being a crappy human themselves, just because they’re raising little humans, who, incidentally, do nothing but crap themselves.’
He laughed so loud it made Mae smile.
‘What’s so funny?’ she asked.
‘You,’ he replied.
Mae wondered what she’d been worrying so much about and before she knew it she said: ‘I miss you.’
He paused. ‘Do you?’
‘Mhmm.’
She waited for him to respond. The seconds stretched into what seemed like hours, not a word coming out of his mouth.
‘I miss you too,’ he said, finally.
‘What took you so long?’ she exclaimed.
He laughed. ‘You kind of surprised me.’
‘Did I?’
‘Yeah,’ he replied. ‘I always think that maybe you don’t feel as strongly as I do.’
Mae gulped. Maybe he was right, but she couldn’t exactly say that, and it didn’t mean she didn’t feel things for him at all. She did. Right then she just wanted to melt into his arms. It hadn’t been quite the same with Ji Su. It had been easy because she seemed to have understood Mae, but these feelings that Mae had for Abdul-Raheem were different. It took being in a relationship to realise it and it made her a little sad because it didn’t mean she didn’t want Ji Su in her life; that she didn’t miss her every day. Before she could respond to Abdul-Raheem he said: ‘Hang on, there’s someone who’d like to speak to you.’
‘Hello, Mae? My boy’s not stopped talking about you and I want to know when I get to meet you.’
For a moment Mae stuttered. How could Abdul-Raheem just hand the phone over to his dad without warning her?
‘Oh, hi. Hello.’
‘And he’s shown me pictures. What’s a pretty girl like you doing with him?’
‘Dad,’ he heard Abdul-Raheem say in the background.
‘All right, all right. Calm down. He says I’ll get to meet you soon.’
Mae paused for perhaps longer than needed.
‘Hello?’
‘Oh, hi, sorry, bad reception,’ Mae said. ‘Yeah. Yeah. We’ll meet.’
Why was Abdul-Raheem saying things like that?
‘Anyway, I’ll give the phone back to him now. It was nice talking to you and don’t put up with any of his nonsense.’
Mae barely said goodbye when Abdul-Raheem spoke again. ‘Don’t mind him. He’s always making my life difficult.’
‘He seems nice,’ was all Mae could muster.
‘Fancy coming with me to see him in a few weeks? When I come to visit him again?’
Maybe she wouldn’t have minded meeting the dad. Perhaps she’d get an idea for the boy Abdul-Raheem used to be, hear stories about him. Especially the stories that Abdul-Raheem tried to avoid telling. But all this did was remind Mae of the fact that she couldn’t introduce Abdul-Raheem to her family and how fast things were moving. This fact sat between them. He knew it, she knew it, but neither of them said anything. Then Mae felt a sense of annoyance. Why did he put his dad on the phone when he knew that she was uncomfortable about him meeting her family? It felt like pressure and wasn’t there enough of that in her life?
‘Mae?’
‘Doesn’t sound like I’ve got much choice, does it?’
‘Sorry?’
It didn’t meant to come out so harshly but at that moment Mae couldn’t help it.
‘Like, you put him on the phone just now so it’d seem kind of bad if I don’t turn up. Kind of stuck me in it.’
‘Stuck you in it?’ he repeated.
‘Yeah.’
‘Didn’t know you felt stuck with me.’
She took a deep breath. ‘That’s not what I meant. It’s just …’
‘What?’ His voice sounded sharp. Severe.
‘I mean, we’ve only been going out a few weeks and we haven’t even …’
She paused.
‘What?’
‘We haven’t even kissed properly and you’re talking about meeting families.’
It was his turn to pause.
‘I didn’t realise physical intimacy showed how important someone was to them.’
Why did he make it sound as if her feelings didn’t make sense? Or that they were stupid?
‘I’m not saying that, I’m just saying I want to slow down.’
Another pause.
‘Hello?’ she said.
‘I see.’
‘I mean with all the family stuff.’
‘Right.’
‘It’s like, suffocating, you know?’
‘Suffocating?’
‘Yeah. All this pressure.’
This time he
paused for a long time before Mae added, ‘You expect me to be where you are, and I’m not.’
‘What are you saying, Mae? Do you want to break up with me?’
No, Mae wanted to say, but maybe she did.
‘I don’t know,’ she replied eventually. ‘It’s just that, listen, you’re great. And I miss you when you’re not around, but like … oh, it’s stupid.’
‘Why don’t you tell me what it is and we’ll see how stupid it is,’ he said, his voice having softened somewhat.
‘There’s the family thing but it’s also that … I had this friend, right? Ji Su. And we were so close and then, well, something happened and she doesn’t speak to me any more and I felt like I’d lost the one good thing I had, and then you came along and we’re so close—’
‘I’m not going to ever stop speaking to you,’ he interrupted.
‘No, it’s not that,’ Mae added.
It began to dawn on her that what was niggling her, aside from the family stuff, was this growing feeling that she was young and she seemed to need someone around her in order to be normal. But, shouldn’t she be able to do that on her own? Wasn’t what happened with Ji Su because Mae’s confusion had confused their relationship? Perhaps Mae had to learn to find a way out of her messes without being dependent on someone to help her along.
When she tried to explain this to Abdul-Raheem, he didn’t quite get it.
‘But you said yourself you hated being alone. That you were lonely. And now you want to be alone again? I don’t get it.’
He was right, it didn’t make any sense, but how could she tell him that the pressure of the two of them wasn’t allowing her to concentrate on other things? Wasn’t it time for her to get her act together? Think of what she was going to do about uni? How was she to resolve that drama with the drama of her and Abdul-Raheem at the same time?
She tried to explain this to him too but he just went quiet.
‘Do you get it?’ she asked, desperate for him to understand.
‘No,’ he replied. ‘I don’t.’
‘We can still be friends,’ she added. ‘Still hang out, you know? I just think I need to focus on stuff.’
He paused. It was going to be just like with Ji Su. He’d turn around and walk away and Mae was already beginning to regret it. But she had to be bolder in life. She had to take control of things instead of just burying her head in the sand. Although she did wish she wasn’t taking her head out of the sand while on the phone.
The Hopes and Triumphs of the Amir Sisters Page 16