‘Ridiculous,’ she whispered, stopping at a red light, biting back her tears.
Her dad’s face, the way he walked as if he might collapse, his own tears.
‘It’s so ridiculous,’ she shouted to no one at all.
The light turned green and instead of going straight, Mae wiped the tears from her face, took a sharp left and knew exactly where she was headed.
‘Mae,’ said Fatti, opening the door. ‘Thank God. Mum said you came back.’
‘Where is he?’ said Mae, unable to look at her sister.
What was the use of being a supposed kind person when your principles slipped just to protect your parents? When your principles were just plain wrong.
‘Who?’
‘You know who,’ replied Mae, striding into the living room. ‘Ilyaas, that’s who.’
‘Listen, Ash’s spoken to him.’
Mae whipped around coming face to face with Fatti. ‘Spoken? Spoken? Had a quiet word and said that was a little naughty of him? Though probably not that naughty because, let’s face it, what I did was outrageous, wasn’t it?’
‘Mae, calm down. What’s happened to you? You’re not acting like yourself.’
‘Me?’ Mae scoffed. ‘I’m not acting like myself? That’s rich, Fats. All of you lot stuck up your own behinds with your babies and your families and your life and I’m the one who’s changed?’
Fatti stared at Mae with her nervous look and pained expression and for a moment Mae wanted to tell her that it was fine. That it wasn’t her fault. Fatti would be feeling guilty, but Mae couldn’t bring herself to do it because she’d be lying and she’d had enough of that.
‘Ilyaas,’ Mae called out, rushing up the stairs. ‘Ilyaas!’
‘Mae, you’ll wake the baby.’
Right on cue, Adam started crying as Mae flung Ilyaas’s door open. He was sitting on his bed, leaning against the headboard as he looked up, headphones in his ears. He took them out, a look of panic coming over his face.
‘I hope you’re happy,’ she said.
He didn’t speak.
‘Because what you did there shows exactly the kind of person you are, and let me tell you, it’s not great.’
Ilyaas lowered his gaze, mumbling something.
‘What?’ said Mae.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I can’t hear you.’
‘I said I’m sorry,’ he repeated, looking up.
Mae thought she saw tears in his eyes. What was up with all the crying today?
‘Yeah, well, sorry’s not going to fix stuff, is it?’
‘Mae, he really is sorry.’
She turned around to see Fatti, holding Adam.
‘Fats,’ said Mae, half exasperated. ‘You need to stop trying to be the perfect stepmum, because trust me, he doesn’t deserve it. And I don’t think the other one does either. But then what do I know? I’m only your sister.’
Mae pushed past Fatti, only to find Aima standing at the top of the stairs. Aima looked her up and down, giving her a mocking smile as Mae pushed past her too, running down the stairs.
‘God knows what anyone sees in her,’ came Aima’s voice as Mae ran out of the house.
The following day Mae left the house early, except she realised that her dad’s car keys weren’t where they usually were. Without saying goodbye to her parents, she left anyway and would have to take the bus. She hadn’t heard from Abdul-Raheem and wondered why he was so quiet now they were back together. She kept telling herself that he wasn’t rethinking his decision, but who could blame him if he was? Who would want to be a part of all this drama?
When Mae had got back home after Fatti’s, she’d avoided her dad and spent the entire time in her room, angry, frustrated and, she realised, at a loss. Now that anger had taken hold of her, she wasn’t sure she could let it go. Every small injustice from the past came back to her and inflamed her further. Every minor comment she might have made as a way of asking her parents and sisters for help or attention, which they’d ignored, was just another sign of them not seeing anyone else’s life but their own. The way she’d always been taken for granted because she was little Mae. More than that, the one thing that she couldn’t quite stop thinking about was being told she couldn’t go back to uni, when she knew that she couldn’t go back because she’d failed it. Then there was her dad saying that he was no longer her abba. Now, in the dark, lying in bed, the words trickled in and settled themselves in the roots of her mind. What happened to a parent’s supposed unconditional love? Even Bubblee had never got that reaction and she was meant to be the black sheep in the family. To think that you could be disowned just because of the person you chose to love. Mae had gone to sleep with tears on her pillow and now she was on her way to work, to face excitable children, high on candyfloss and roller-coaster rides. And the boyfriend she had at the expense of her dad.
Everyone was huddled around the hut, as usual, when she approached. Abdul-Raheem was already there, his back turned to her as he spoke to Leanne. A pang of jealousy mixed with paranoia came over her and she realised that when life became unsettled, all your feelings did the same.
‘Hi,’ she said.
He turned around, holding a cup of coffee. ‘Asalamoalaikum.’
Leanne sighed and walked away and Mae lost the energy to muster any annoyance for Abdul-Raheem.
‘How are you?’ she asked.
‘I’m all right. You?’
She shrugged. ‘Didn’t really sleep.’
He took a sip of his coffee. ‘There’s a lot of stuff going on in your life.’
Something in what he said made her heart sink. Your life. Wasn’t it his as well now? Isn’t that what relationships were?
‘Just mine?’ she said.
Even if he’d had an answer it wouldn’t matter as Barry came and everyone dispersed to their regular posts. Why didn’t you message me? she wanted to ask. He’d made out as if he’d be there every step of the way but he wasn’t. They both walked in silence, carrying their costumes towards the carousel. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Or even looking at her? Was this it? Was he going to finally say they shouldn’t get back together after all? She shook the idea from her head. Hadn’t he kissed her outside his doorstep? He loved her, after all. They got into their costume, everything going dark as Mae could hear crowds begin to stream in, the music of the various rides blaring and clashing, the heat already giving Mae a headache. It was after the third person had taken a photo with them that Mae got fed up.
‘So, what? Aren’t you going to talk to me?’
Silence.
‘Hello?’
‘Not now, Mae.’
‘Right. So, when?’
‘When we’re not in a horse’s costume.’
But Mae was fed up of waiting to talk, holding on to her thoughts and feelings.
‘Why are you annoyed with me?’ she asked, wanting to hold on to the back of his waist just because.
‘I’m not annoyed.’
‘Don’t lie to me,’ she replied. ‘You didn’t call or message once yesterday when you’d promised and—’
‘Imagine if the roles were reversed,’ he interrupted.
‘What?’
‘If I’d done what you did,’ he replied.
‘What did I do?’ asked Mae, at a loss.
He paused. ‘Mae, I know it’s frustrating but you kissing me like that – before you went to bed … you know it was against my wishes. If I’d have done the same, you wouldn’t be so willing to call, would you?’
‘So what? You were angry with me? But you kissed me back afterwards.’
He sighed. She wished she could see his face, she was so confused. Why were they having this conversation in a horse’s costume?
‘I know, because I felt I was losing you and … I was annoyed that you made me feel that way. Wouldn’t you have been?’
It hardly made sense to her. What was the big deal? He was a man, after all. She recalled that night at the club, how terribly
wrong things could’ve gone for her. But it wasn’t as if she’d drugged Abdul-Raheem. It wasn’t the same thing.
‘I’m a girl,’ she said.
He paused again. ‘So, that makes it okay?’
‘Oh my G—’
‘Listen, I don’t want to make comparisons here because I know it’s not really the same thing, but it still boils down to a matter of respect. You know what my feelings about it are. You know I’m more observant as a Muslim than you are and you crossed a line. And now, instead of apologising, you’re making out as if I’m the one in the wrong.’
Why did he always have the ability to make Mae feel wrong when she was sure she was in the right?
‘Yeah, well, it’s not a great feeling being rejected, you know.’
‘Mae.’
She waited for more. ‘What?’
‘I don’t know what you’ve been told all your life, or why you think something like that when you know how I feel about you. I’ve told you as often as I can without scaring you too much. Have a little self-belief. All this doubt … where does it come from?’
Mae felt a lump come to her throat. ‘It’s not doubt.’
‘Isn’t it?’
Of course it was. She couldn’t explain it though. A person either believed in themselves or they didn’t, and Mae guessed that she didn’t.
‘I dunno, maybe a bit, yeah. But you know, it’s also something I want. To be close to you and stuff. It’s normal, right?’
There was a long pause. ‘I know. Of course it’s normal. And I want that too,’ he replied.
He brought out his hand behind him as she took it.
‘Are you still angry with me?’ she asked, relieved that she was holding his hand again.
‘I told you, I was annoyed, not angry, because it’s not easy. For either of us, and trust me when I say that it’s as hard for me as it is for you. Harder, even.’
She kissed his hand and squeezed it because thank God she still had him by her side. What would she do if she didn’t? How would she be able to cope with her family? Her whole life?
‘That’s why I think …’
‘What?’ asked Mae, suddenly scared that none of it mattered.
He was sensible, after all. A man of faith. He didn’t let his feelings run away with him. Maybe he’d weighed up the pros and cons and felt it was better to let Mae go than stay in this. Why had she kissed him when she knew how he felt?
He gripped her hand tighter in his, a klaxon sounding in the background, a bunch of children screaming so Mae could barely hear herself think.
God, please no. Don’t break up with me. Not now.
‘I really want …’
‘What,’ she whispered, barely able to speak.
Someone had come up and asked for a photo with the horse. The novelty of this job was really beginning to wear off.
‘We love each other, don’t we?’ he asked.
‘Yes.’ She gripped his hand tighter. ‘Yeah, we do. I do. I mean it. I’m sorry and the whole kissing thing won’t happen again, okay? Not unless you want it.’
She could hear a smile in his voice.
‘So we really do want to be together?’
‘Obviously,’ she said, a wave of relief washing over her. ‘Or this whole drama with my family would’ve been a bit pointless.’
‘Good. All right. I’m glad.’ He paused again.
Thank God. Mae breathed a sigh of relief. She’d have to adjust her ways a little, respect him and what he wanted. But she knew she wanted him by her side and the fact that he was here was all that mattered.
‘In that case,’ he added. ‘Let’s get married.’
Chapter Sixteen
Time seemed to have stood still and the noises around the amusement park had dissolved.
‘Excuse me?’ she said.
‘I want to marry you,’ he said, beginning to get out of his costume.
It wasn’t even their break time yet. Before Mae knew it, he was facing her in his T-shirt and horse legs. She couldn’t stop looking at the horse’s head tucked under his arm.
‘Oh,’ she said.
The sun was beating down on them, and was it Mae or was everyone extra loud today? Mae felt beads of sweat gather on her forehead. She wiped it with her arm.
‘I know,’ he replied. ‘It seems rushed.’
Seems?
‘And we’ve only just got back together but doesn’t that show that what we have is strong? And important?’
Mae swallowed hard.
‘I was thinking about it all day yesterday,’ he continued. ‘How that when you go back to uni—’
‘Who said I’m going back?’ asked Mae.
Even though the urge to go back since her parents said she couldn’t felt a lot more potent, but that was beside the point.
‘It would be a real shame if you didn’t,’ Abdul-Raheem replied.
‘For who?’
He looked confused. ‘For you, of course. And listen, if you went back then I could move with you and work for a year and maybe even enrol at the same university the following year.’
Mae had a vision of Abdul-Raheem with her at university, the two of them hanging out together, sharing their time and stories of their respective days. She’d have someone to go home to. There wouldn’t be the excruciating embarrassment of attempting to talk to people, trying to make new friends and failing. Mae would be spared the indignity of loneliness.
But marriage was for life. And life could be long.
‘Right,’ she replied. ‘Yeah.’
‘Yes?’ he said. ‘You mean it? Because I’ve come to a time in my life where I’m ready to settle down, to move forward, and I know you’re younger than me but I can’t imagine not being with you. I thought this summer would be the worst one yet, unbearable considering what I’m doing here, but you changed all of that. And I want you to go to uni too and live your life. Think of what we could make of both of our lives. Together.’
A panic rose in Mae’s chest. Of course she wanted to be with him. Getting back together was her idea. And everything he said made complete sense, so why was she hesitating? Was it the idea of her family actually disowning her altogether? Maybe it was. Her bravery seemed to be failing her and wouldn’t it be a stupid thing not to be with someone for ever just because your family was racist?
‘I guess,’ she replied.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked. ‘You don’t sound sure.’
She looked up at him but before she could say anything, Barry was marching towards them.
‘Didn’t know I was paying for you to stand around.’
‘Oh, sorry,’ said Mae. ‘I was, er … I was feeling a bit faint.’
Barry looked at her, leaning in closer as if to assess just how faint she was.
‘Hope he’s not making you swoon in there,’ he replied, looking at Abdul-Raheem.
‘Sorry, Barry,’ said Abdul-Raheem.
Barry merely grunted before he saw Braveheart the Bear running after a group of teenagers who seemed to have stolen his sword.
‘Guess we should talk about this when we’re not being a horse,’ said Mae as they both got back into their costumes.
The rest of the day was a series of stilted conversations about anything that didn’t involve Mae’s family, their relationship or university.
‘What shows are you watching on Netflix?’
‘You know I don’t really watch stuff. I prefer to read.’
‘Oh yeah. What are you reading?’
Abdul-Raheem named some book written by a black woman who converted to Islam when she was forty-three, married with four children.
‘Wow,’ said Mae.
‘You?’ he asked.
‘I was reading A Dog’s Life,’ she replied. ‘About a man who becomes a dog and has to try and communicate, right, with his barks and stuff.’ Mae laughed. ‘It’s pretty funny. But then I went to the stables—’
‘Did you go again?’ he asked.
Mae hadn’t m
entioned it to Abdul-Raheem and she wasn’t sure why. It felt like something private – just for her – because she couldn’t really explain the pull it had without sounding weird and random. She shrugged.
‘There was nothing else to do. And you know, I liked it the first time. So, I thought, why not? Anyway, Alison there, she gave me a book about horses, Heads Up – Heels Down, so I started reading that. It’s a children’s book, but still, really interesting.’
‘Well, that’s good,’ he replied.
‘Yeah.’
There was a long pause.
‘I mean, I read serious stuff too,’ added Mae. ‘Not just random stuff about horses and books about dogs.’
‘That’s all right,’ replied Abdul-Raheem. ‘I don’t care.’
‘Do you like funny books?’
‘I guess I would if I read them, but I prefer to read stuff to do with more social issues.’
‘Right, yeah, so do I,’ said Mae.
‘Mae, you don’t have to change your tastes for me.’
‘I’m not,’ she said, rather more high-pitched than she meant. ‘I was reading a book called Woman Troubles in uni, about periods and the Suffragette movement and stuff.’
‘Good. Though aren’t you interested in women’s empowerment in Islam?’
Mae hadn’t really given it much thought.
‘There were some pretty incredible women from the days of our prophet, you know. Our idea of female emancipation is limited to its modern context but there were warrior women, leading people into battles and loads of other stuff.’
‘Right. Yeah. Guess so.’
There was a protracted silence.
‘Did you see Barry’s face when he was walking towards us?’ said Mae, mustering a laugh. ‘Why does he always look like he’s about to have a heart attack?’
Abdul-Raheem laughed. ‘He does, doesn’t he? Good guy, though. Bark’s worse than his bite.’
‘Hmm, yeah.’
It was in this vein that the entire day was spent and Mae didn’t remember having such painful conversations since her time at uni. It occurred to her that she and Abdul-Raheem only really talked about serious things; their families and the past. They did joke around, she knew that, but what did they actually have in common? Did you need to have things in common to be together? Didn’t opposites attract?
The Hopes and Triumphs of the Amir Sisters Page 21