“You know, if you really like what you’ve made, we can put it in the oven. That’s how pottery and statue carving work. You mold what you want and then if you like it you keep it. If you don’t, you start again.”
I turn back to the table and glance at what I’ve been making. A sharp laugh leaves my lips and Giulia raises an eyebrow. She can’t see what’s behind my back and she’s polite enough not to try to peek. But I know her curiosity has to be getting the better of her.
“I…” I look back at my creation once more and smile. “Yeah, I think I’d like to keep it.”
Giulia claps her hands together and instead of going around me to see my creation as I expect, she goes to the other side of the room and prepares the kiln. “It’s already on,” she explains. “But we need to make sure to prep it properly.”
I watch her as she gets the giant oven ready for my creation. While she does that, I turn back to it. A smile spreads across my face. I have never understood why anyone would spend a large amount of money on something that you only look at. But now I am starting to get it. The sheer pleasure I get out of looking at this thing that I created with my own hands, makes me deliriously happy.
It relaxes me just as surely as any of the massages I’ve gotten in the past. This is something I made with my own two hands and it represents me.
I smooth my fingers along the surface, slightly reshaping the clay.
Giulia finally looks over my shoulder and giggles. She claps her hands. “Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”
I tilt my head back and grin right back at her. In my hands, I am holding a clay sculpture of two perfect breasts. They are a mirror image of mine, heavy and perky.
“I think this is a good thing, Fallon. You have really touched on something deep about yourself with this piece.”
I blush at her compliment. “Are you saying that I like boobs so much that I made a pair to play with?”
“Oh no. And I think you know exactly what I meant, you’re just embarrassed.” Giulia takes the sculpture from me and I almost ask her to be careful. I don’t want them broken before I have the chance to really enjoy them.
Just that thought is enough to make me blush. My sexuality has always been something that was important to me. While I was shaping the sculpture I had felt empowered by reveling in it. But now it feels like something to be kept under wraps. I’m not sure why.
Maybe the confines of how society views sexuality are something that I will never be able to shake. Maybe the only way I will ever be completely free to explore what I really want is in the underground of New York. Barry flits across my mind again and I immediately push him away.
I won’t settle for anything less than absolutely everything I deserve.
“It’s going to take a little bit for the clay to completely bake. Once it does, it will be beautiful, shiny, and smooth.”
That thought makes me smile. I push my embarrassment to the side and try to simply enjoy the way it makes me feel to have created something that makes me happy. There’s nothing to be ashamed of and I don’t want to feel that way about my creation.
Giulia puts her hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you take a little time to yourself? You were working so hard on your sculpture that I’m not sure you really took any time to think about the current situations that are bothering you.”
I shake my head. “No, I’ve had plenty of time to consider what’s happening. I know that I basically have to make big changes in my life that reflect the things that are already different.”
“And are you excited about doing that?”
“Hmm. I don’t think that excited is the right word. I’m nervous. Maybe even a little scared. I’ve always lived a certain way. Even when we were first discussing the possibility of me taking on the mainstream media…I hadn’t realized that I would be basically reinventing myself.”
Giulia tilts her head to the side. “Are you really doing that, though?”
“What do you mean?”
She shrugs. “I’ve said it before but I think that you have always been the kind of person you are now. You’ve just always been surrounded by people trying to keep you from realizing your maximum potential.”
I sigh. “You’ve said things like this before. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say in response. How are you so sure about this? You keep talking about all of this potential you see within me but then why has no one else seen it?”
“Are you sure no one else has seen it? You know better than most that sometimes people just want to destroy good things.”
I stop to consider her words. Johnni is the only person I’ve been able to rely on this way, but she’s right. I’ve had many people in my life who seemed to only be happy when they were making me unhappy. As if they really didn’t have anything they would rather be doing.
As if destroying me was their only mission in life.
It hasn’t worked, ever. I have always met that opposition with grace and poise. That old saying about catching more flies with honey than vinegar is entirely true. I keep a level head and maintain my cool when I meet people who want to hurt me.
That has been my secret weapon against people who wanted to beat me. And by fighting them, I’ve grown even stronger.
Giulia is right. I’ve always been this person. Instead of hating the people who have to hurt me, I find myself feeling thankful to them. They have been integral to making me powerful not only in the business world but in my sex life. Emotionally, I may be confused but I am still stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.
Because of them.
“I get it,” I whisper to Giulia. “I do.”
I look back to the kiln and smile.
Section Two: The Isolation of Leadership and the Dangers of Fame
Chapter Seven
My face hurts from the wide smile I have had plastered on for the last six hours. My eyes sting from the flash of multiple cameras but I force myself to keep from closing my eyes.
What must have been the hundredth reporter today pushes a microphone into my face. I answer the same questions almost automatically and direct him to my new administrative assistant for publication permissions. My feet ache and the jewels on my dress rub against my sensitive skin, creating a red irritation that is hidden by the fine material.
“Hurts, doesn’t it?” Johnni is suddenly behind me, his heavy arm draped over my bare shoulders. The rapid flash of bulbs lets me know that the vultures around us are capturing every minute of his casual familiarity with me but I don’t care. I’m too tired to care.
I don’t turn to look at him, instead waving to the crowd of people standing next to the red carpet. Security keeps my fans from stampeding, but the surge forward requires a hastily refortified barrier.
“Is it that obvious?”
Johnni slides in next to me and joins the procession of actors and actresses. “No,” he responds lightly. “It’s not obvious; I just know how irritating those precious gems can be.”
We laugh because we both know how many hoops he’s jumped through in order to make the gown in the first place. It isn’t the section of fashion he specializes in and branching out—especially in such a big way—is typically frowned upon in the industry.
I am wearing over eighteen million dollars’ worth of diamonds at once. My dress alone was sewn with the thinnest gossamer thread and it feels as if it could float away at any second. I am amazed at how sheer and airy it feels while still being heavy and constraining.
“Oh yes, they’re absolutely a drag,” I say sarcastically. We both know how much I love it. Anything this high-end could only be for me. It is what I was born for and I am deeply touched that Johnni picked me to debut his upscale female clothing line.
“No doubt none of the wannabes will even bother to copy this one. It’s too much.”
Johnni nudges me with his shoulder and directs my attention to one of the women in the crowd struggling to get to me. My jaw drops.
I’ve be
en wearing this dress in particular for less than an hour. Before that, the design had been kept carefully under wraps. Even while I was changing into it, only a select few people had been able to be anywhere near my dressing room. The fashion business is as glamourous as it is cutthroat and designers have to work hard to keep their secrets. Since Johnni segued into design and I became his leading lady, my security has been tripled.
That’s why seeing a woman wearing a cheap knock-off of my dress floors me. I know my eyes go wide as I take in the slap-dash attempt at mimicking what I am wearing. The materials are cheap and even from this distance I can tell that the gems she is wearing are glass. Still, it shocks me.
“That was quick.”
Johnni shrugs and grins. “That just means that it’s a really good design. You’re going to be on all of the covers tomorrow.”
I blow a tense breath out but immediately straighten my face back into a serene smile. “We both know that was going to happen anyway.”
Johnni loses some of his good cheer, a serious expression replacing his goofy grin. “Yeah, well that’s what happens when you make such a momentous announcement out of the blue.”
I run my hands down the luxurious sides of the gown and try not to worry my bottom lip. “I know. You should have heard the way the reporters gasped. It was like something out of a movie.”
“I like your choice of words there, since you basically told the film industry that they could fuck right off.”
I laugh because Johnni almost never swears. But he’s right. I didn’t make any friends this morning and I am sure to have made at least one enemy. “I know, I know. But it was the right thing to do.”
Johnni scoffs. “How is announcing that you won’t be doing any more modeling or acting deals the right thing to do?”
I pat his shoulder to remind him where we are. Johnni makes a face that tells me he doesn’t care and I smile. He has to worry about appearances just as much as I do but when it comes to something that could endanger me, he doesn’t think twice about making a scene. I love him for that but I don’t want any more trouble. That’s the whole point. “I didn’t say that I wouldn’t be doing any shoots. I said that it was time for me to step back. I don’t need it any longer.”
Johnni shakes his head. “You should have talked to me before you made such a giant decision.”
This time I do bite my bottom lip. The worry in his voice is completely for my benefit but I can’t help but wish I could make it go away. “I knew you would just try to talk me out of it.”
He huffs. “You bet your firm but supple booty I would have. No one does what you did, Fallon. You took the mainstream entertainment industry by storm. Actually, you were the storm. You blew in and changed everyone’s perceptions of porn. You changed rules and flipped tables. You are at the top of the pyramid.”
He pauses to answer a few questions as another reporter pops up beside us. The questions are all about me and the gown I’m wearing, and Johnni answers them with ease and charisma. While I watch him go through his questions, I wonder why he never went into show business himself. He’s certainly handsome enough for it, and he’s got the right charm. I wonder if he knew how ruthless the entire entertainment world was from the get-go and had decided not to toe that line.
I wonder if I would have done the same, had I known what I was getting into.
I shake myself out of such gloomy thoughts and force another smile. My feet are throbbing with each step in my disgustingly high heels and I focus on putting one foot in front of the other for a moment.
When Johnni returns, he’s wearing a smile just as forced as mine. “You can’t just do that and then walk away.”
“Why not?” I ask and wince when I hear how weary my voice sounds.
Johnni doesn’t miss the dip in my tone. “It’s like barging into a mafia room and telling them they’ve been doing it wrong…only to be right. You can’t just leave after; it makes them look bad.”
“Ha ha ha, why would they complain about that? I would think they would just be grateful that someone came in to help. I’m basically a fairy godmother at this point.”
Johnni laughs at the craziness of my comment and I grin at him. He opens his mouth to respond but it cuts off when someone shoves him to the side. Another pair of hands drags him backward before I can respond.
“How could you?!” A man dressed in jeans and a thin T-shirt shoves himself into my space and grabs me by the shoulders. He’s amazingly strong and he shakes me for a moment, screaming “Why?” in my face.
I am stunned. How did this crazy man get to me? Security here is tight. Even as I grow dizzy I look around, desperate to find one of my bodyguards. As I take in my surroundings, I begin to understand.
At some point while I was talking to Johnni, the size of the crowd had doubled. The roar of the crowd is deafening, and I hadn’t even realized something abnormal was happening. I must be more exhausted than I realized. Or maybe I had just gotten so used to screaming excitement when I appear that I didn’t put two and two together.
My security team struggles to keep everyone at bay and I realize that none of the other actors and actresses are being mobbed in the same way. Their lighter security force surrounds them, protecting them from people who aren’t even looking at them.
Even though I have three times as many bodyguards as all of them, mine are being hard pressed.
“Help!” I scream toward one of my fellow actor’s groups. The man continues to shake me, knocking me to my back on the ground. No one does anything.
Sheer terror makes my body numb. It is as if I have stepped outside of the situation and am seeing it from the outside for just a moment.
From that distance I see everything.
My security force tries to make its way to me but the crowd keeps them pinned down. Johnni screams my name, fighting to get to me, but four brawny men drag him into the waiting crowd. My supposed “peers” look on with a twisted sort of glee in their eyes. Their thoughts are written clearly on their plastic faces.
…serves her right.
How dare she think she can step away from this?
This is what you get…
…thinks she can make a fool of us.
I hope he kills her.
Whore.
Pain assaults me, dragging me back into my body. The crazed man bites my shoulder hard enough to draw blood. I scream, unable to block the pain as I kick and claw, trying to get him off me. Panic makes my breathing heavy and desperate and I hear the material under me rip.
“These are d-diamonds! Take them. This dress is worth so much m-m-money.” I barely manage to say the words through teeth chattering with fear.
The man doesn’t respond at first, just leans down and bites me again. He’s making his way closer and closer to the exposed swell of one of my breasts. The terror in my brain shifts and morphs into an unholy fear. Am I about to be raped in front of this animalistic crowd? The dress tears again and more of my skin is exposed. Bile rises up in my gut, burning my throat.
“I don’t want jewels.” The man says in a low, venomous tone. “You’re worth more than all the diamonds in the world.”
I gag and he leans down, opening his mouth above the top of one of my breasts. A scream like nothing I’ve ever heard leaves my throat just as the man is jerked back violently.
My vision is blurry. I think I may have blacked out for a moment but I can hear an eerie kind of silence. No. The silence is a backdrop to the most sickening thuds and grunts I have ever been forced to listen to.
Bones break and shatter. Muscles pop. Lungs deflate.
By the time the beating—for that’s all that it could be—is done, no one is speaking. I fear for a moment that no one is breathing. It’s as if I am standing in the center of a football stadium where everyone is suddenly holding their breath.
A dark, deep voice penetrates the darkness. A beautiful accent washes over me, even as it barks a brutal command. “Get her to a hospital. Now!”
Chapter Eight
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I try to reach over and shut off what I can only assume is my alarm clock but something catches on my arm. I pry my eyelids open and immediately regret the motion. Blinding light burns my retinas and I immediately close my eyes again.
“Now, now.” Johnni’s voice coaxes me away from the dark abyss of sleep that I was headed for. “We can’t have any more of that. You’ve been out of it for almost two days.”
I open my eyes slowly and realize I’m in a hospital bed. Oddly, my brain decides to process the fact that the sheets are a soft pink instead of the cold white I had always expected they would be. Just another thing that Hollywood gets wrong.
I try to sit up, but Johnni has to help me before I can make it to the position. I take a deep breath that smells heavily of the flowers decorating the room.
“What happened?”
Johnni sits back in the chair next to my hospital bed. Judging from the food trays and blankets surrounding him, he’s been in that chair for a while. “Before we get into that, how about we get you some food? I bet you’re starving.”
I start to shake my head but my stomach rumbles loud enough for both of us to hear it. Johnni laughs and I shrug helplessly. “I guess so.”
The nurse comes in moments after she’s summoned and checks all my vitals. “You’re doing great, Ms. Opal. I’m sure you’ll be up and out of here as soon as possible.” She flashes me a great, friendly smile as she leaves to dig me up some food.
“How are you feeling?” Johnni says the moment she’s gone.
I rub my hands across my eyes, trying to get a good assessment of that exact information. “I don’t know. I feel a little fuzzy…” I wince. The motion pulls at my shoulder and when I look down I realize that my hospital gown is covering a thick gauze bandage.
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