“What?”
“Go do something normal. Go see a movie or eat out. Visit my grandparents.”
“I wondered if you wanted to call them,” I said.
“Nah. They’d just worry. I’ll see them when I’m recovered.”
I nodded.
“Jolene.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you were here when I woke up this morning.”
I bit the inside of my lip, because that sent my ridiculous mind in all kinds of directions.
“Well. I needed to make sure you were okay.” I glanced at him, and he was watching me.
He took a breath, and then he rested his head back. “What were you reading earlier?”
I went over to the recliner and picked up the paperback resting on the arm and showed it to him. “Historical romance.”
He smiled a little. “Uh huh.”
“What?”
“Sense and Sensibility was all Jenson’s idea, huh?” he asked, remembering when he’d found out about one of the movie marathons Jenson and I had.
“Quiet,” I said, blushing a little. “These are good. Mama read a lot of them, and I started to when I was a teenager, too. I mean… it’s fun to read that kind of stuff. But there’s a reason it’s fiction.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s not really like that. Fun to read, though.”
He was watching me. “Can you read to me?”
“This?” I asked, holding the book up.
“Yeah.”
“You won’t like it.”
“I might. I’m gonna be bored out of my mind here and I’m getting the feeling that you’re tired of talking.”
“I’m not tired of talking.”
“Maybe. But you’re getting that guarded look you get when you’re about to shut down.”
“Am not,” I grumbled. “Really? You want to listen to this?”
“Yeah.”
“From the beginning?”
“Do you mind?”
I sighed, then shook my head. “No, I don’t mind.”
I pushed the recliner closer to the bed so I could sit near his head. I mean, he’d be able to hear me even if I was all the way across the hospital wing, but I felt like I should be close to him.
Stupid.
“Okay. Stop me if you get bored.”
He nodded, and I turned back to the first page and started reading. It was about a young woman who was down on her luck, in Victorian England, who inherited a castle only to find out that the duke who claimed ownership of it it still lived there and considered it his. And in the process of figuring out how to get the castle, she falls in love with the duke, and, of course, he falls in love with her. I was through three chapters when I head a small snore. I smiled and got up and dimmed the lights near Ryan’s head. I settled back into the recliner, laid it back, and closed my eyes. I didn’t even have time to obsess over any of the things that usually haunt me when I’m trying to sleep before I was out.
I woke at the sound of a shuffle nearby. I opened my eyes to see Sarah checking Ryan’s monitors. He was still snoring lightly. I also noticed that I had a blanket tossed over me. I sat up, and she came over to me.
“Still in good shape. No sign of infection,” she whispered.
“Good. Did you do this?” I asked, holding the blanket up.
She nodded. “He woke up and called for me and asked for it. I hope that was okay.”
I tried to ignore the way my stomach flipped. Ever the partner, trying to watch my back even though he was the one recovering from life-threatening injuries.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“There’s a bottle of water there, too,” she said.
I took a sip and then settled back down under my blanket, watching Ryan’s chest rise and fall until I fell asleep again. When I woke up, the sky was a dusky gray, and something Mama used to tell me about hospitals came back to me. She used to talk about how easy it was for people visiting for a long time to lose track of time completely, that time seemed to pass differently in a hospital, to the point where you couldn’t even gauge how long you’d been there or even what day it was, sometimes.
Now I saw what she meant. I glanced toward the bed. Ryan’s face was turned my way, and he breathed deeply. I let myself look at him for a little while. I never would have imagined, back when I’d met him on my first day at Command, that he’d end up being whatever he was to me. That I’d be where I am now, refusing to leave his side, that he’d be my best friend other than Jenson.
That I’d be falling in love with him.
No.
Wait, what?
I am not. This is old stupid habits coming back, falling for someone who shows the least bit of attention to me. Neediness. This is all of my and Mama’s mistakes with men starting all over again.
Except that he’s a different kind of man and you damn well know it.
I ignored the thought. And that sight again, of him laying there shooting. That look in his eyes, like nothing was going to stop him, that mix of anger and stubbornness. He liked to talk about what a badass I am. But that had been the single most badass thing I’d ever seen. And now that I knew he was okay, I could appreciate it.
I was very appreciative.
Shit.
I pushed my blanket aside and got up to use the small bathroom in his room and splash some water on my face.
When I came out, his eyes were open and he was watching me.
“Morning,” I said in greeting.
“Morning,” he said. I picked up the cup of water Sarah had left on the table at the side of his bed.
“Do you want to try to drink something? Sarah said you should.”
He nodded. Sarah had left the bed in a mostly upright position, one where he could drink without making a mess, and he took the cup from my hand and took a few sips. I watched him, and then took it from him when he was finished.
“Jolene,” he said quietly.
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you’re here. You’re making all this shit a lot better.”
I patted his hand, and he turned his hand around to twine his fingers with mine again.
“Well. You were there for me when I needed it,” I said quietly, remembering how he was at Mama’s funeral and the days afterward.
“That’s where I want to be,” he said.
Partners. We were partners and friends, I reminded myself. Don’t overreact. I didn’t say anything, and I glanced up at his face to see him watching me. He took a deep breath and squeezed my hand, brushed his thumb over the sensitive skin on the underside of my wrist.
“Do you want to read to me some more?” he asked finally.
“You want to hear more?”
“Yeah. I want to know more about this blind duke guy.”
I laughed and started pulling my hand from his, and he held it tighter, refusing to let go. I met his eyes for a second.
“Hey,” he said in a quiet voice.
“Hm?”
“I’m always gonna be there for you. Do you get that?”
I nodded. “Same.”
His gaze was intense, very close to the look he’d had laying there shooting Render, and my heart pounded. I knew he could hear it. He finally released my hand and I sat in the recliner again and took a deep breath, trying to calm my stupid pounding heart. His powers never bothered me before. Now it just made me feel vulnerable and naked, knowing how he could hear the way my stupid, betraying heart reacted to him.
I ran a shaking hand through my hair, then opened the book to where I’d left off the night before. I kept reading, and he kept listening. I only stopped when Sarah came in to check on him. He had a liquid breakfast shake thing and more water for breakfast, and Sarah brought me a cup of orange juice and another granola bar, which Ryan insisted I eat. I did, and then I started reading again. A couple hours later, I knew we were coming up to a big scene, and I blushed. Stopped reading.
“Um.”
“What?�
� he asked.
“Do you really want me to read all of this?”
“Yeah. I’m liking it so far. Why?”
“All of the scenes?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. There had been a few steamy scenes already, but not the full thing.
“Uh, yeah?”
“There’s a love scene coming up. With language,” I said, feeling ridiculous.
I smile crossed his face. “Language, Jolene? I’ve never heard you worry about that.”
I blushed a little.
“No one else’ll hear it if you whisper. I still will, though.” he said, still smiling.
I opened the book again and started reading. My face burned as I read about the duke finally touching the heroine the way he’d been wanting to. They wouldn’t actually do the deed yet, but it was close enough. I made it through and then kept reading.
And, all too soon, we were at another scene which included even more stupidly sexy language. I read it in a whisper, my crazy body reacting not just to the heat of the scene, but to the fact that I was reading it to Ryan, who was lying there watching me as I read these infuriatingly sexy things to him. Everything was reacting. My heart started pounding faster, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I made it to the end of the scene and took a gulp of water.
Sarah came in. “Everything okay? Your heart rate spiked a little,” she said to Ryan.
“Fine,” he said, eyes still on me, a mischievous glint in them. “I had no idea romance novels were so exciting.”
Sarah laughed. “One of their charms.” She winked at me and walked back out.
My face must have been glowing, I was blushing so hard.
“I was wondering if they were ever gonna finally do the deed,” he said. “The poor duke must have had the biggest case of blue balls imaginable.”
I choked a little, then took another gulp of water. “Blue balls?”
“Sore balls due to not getting off when you’re turned on,” he said.
“I am sorry I asked.”
He laughed, and after a couple seconds, so did I. “Poor guy,” he continued. “And to be with the woman he wants constantly and always feel like the time’s not right. Rough.”
I finally raised my eyes to him again, but he was staring at the ceiling.
“I need a cold shower,” he said after a while, and I laughed. I couldn’t help it. It was all so ridiculous. We were in a hospital room, and he had tubes coming out of places I didn’t want to think about, and we were reading the type of thing I let very few people know I read.
“I think I do, too.”
He made a small sound in his throat and kept staring at the ceiling.
“She has another one about a guy who’s also a renowned fighter. And he’s kind of a rogue type of loner, and this sweet woman he was once in love with is supposed to marry his brother, and he decides to organize the wedding for her.”
He looked at me. “Why the fuck would he do that?”
“He figured she’d be happy. And that he could have his freedom. His brother was some kind of diplomat and was always away, so the fighter guy couldn’t do the stuff he wanted because he had to take care of family stuff in his brother’s absence. So he figured once the brother was back, he could have his life back. And he thought his brother was better for her than he was,” I said with a shrug.
He thought that over for a while. “I don’t know if that makes him a good man or a complete moron.”
I shook my head. “Well, it didn’t work out. He was still in love with her. And she fell in love with him. And it got to the point where they couldn’t ignore it anymore.”
“So she ends up with the rogue?”
I nodded. “It’s a romance novel. They always have happily ever afters. That’s why they’re such a good fantasy.”
He was watching me. “You know, some people in real life have happily ever afters.”
“Yeah? Name one.”
“My grandparents. Been in love with one another since they were fifteen. Married for sixty-two years, never spent a night apart. Still as giddy in love as a couple of teenagers.”
“They’re kind of the minority,” I said. “Way more are like Mama, who ended up getting smacked around by the man she was in love with. Or me, who can’t make a good choice to save her life. Or any of the dozens of women I knew growing up who ended up either alone or going through a series of assholes one after the other.”
“So if you don’t believe happily ever after is possible, why do you read romances?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I guess part of me would like to believe. But I just don’t see it.”
“Maybe you’re not looking hard enough,” he said. “Sometimes it’s right in front of you, waiting for you to see it.”
“And sometimes, you think you see something that’s not really there. As I know from experience,” I said.
He blew out a breath and went back to staring at the ceiling. “Want to read some more?”
“You want to hear more?”
He nodded, and I went back to reading. I made it through one more love scene, and we finished the book just before one of the nurses brought some beef broth in for his lunch.
“You should eat,” he said.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Jolene.”
“Ryan.”
He grinned. “You’ve had a granola bar and orange juice today. You need more than that. How are you gonna kick ass if you starve yourself while you’re sitting here with me?”
“Okay. I’ll be back in a bit, though.”
“Okay. Hey,” he said as I was heading for the door.
“Yeah?”
“Do you have the one about the fighter?”
I laughed. “I have that one on my phone. What, you want to read that next?”
He nodded.
“The boxer ends up with an even bigger case of blue balls than the duke had to deal with,” I told him with a smirk.
“I’m sensing a trend here,” he said.
“Well, to be fair, the heroines were usually suffering just as much. Whatever the girl version is of blue balls,” I told him. “Sexual tension is a killer.”
“Yeah, tell me about it,” he murmured. “Go eat.”
I nodded, then made my way to the cafeteria. Jenson and David were there, sitting close at one of the corner tables, in their own little world. They looked up when I walked in.
“Hey!” Jenson said.
“Hey.” I looked over the food available, trying to decide which would be the least stinky. Not that Ryan would care or even say anything, but because it mattered to me that I didn’t overpower his senses. I grabbed a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some bread and took it over to David and Jenson’s table.
“How’s he doing?” David asked once I was settled.
“He’s okay. They’re keeping him for a few more days to watch for infection, and then he’s got a couple months of recovery after that.”
I glanced up to see Jenson watching me, a tiny smile on her lips.
“And how are you?” she asked me. David glanced at her, then at me.
“I’m okay.”
She kept watching me, and I blew out a breath.
“I feel like I can breathe again,” I said quietly. “Mostly.”
“He made you come down here to eat, didn’t he?” she asked.
“He didn’t make me. I decided to. After he strongly suggested it,” I muttered. I dug into the soup.
“You were all he talked about when I was sitting there with him yesterday,” Jenson said. David was still looking at both of us.
“Yeah?”
“Yep.”
I kept eating.
“Jo,” Jenson said, and I looked up at her. “I don’t think you need to be scared of him.”
I looked back down at my bowl. “I’m not scared of him.”
“Uh huh.”
“I’m scared of being wrong about him.”
There. It was out.
“He’s nice to
me. Really nice to me. He watches my back, even when I don’t realize I need someone watching my back. He’s good to me. He’s a good guy,” I said, and Jenson nodded while David continued looking somewhat confused.
“It’s easy for someone as messed up as I am to read things into that that aren’t there. I’ve been through it before. He’s my friend. Other than you, he’s my best friend. I do not want to screw that up. That’s what I’m scared of.”
“You know the guy’s nuts about you. I mean… that’s not even a question,” David said.
“He’s nice to me,” I repeated. “It doesn’t mean he’s nuts about me. It means he’s a decent man with manners. Let’s not read too much into him being nice.”
I looked up to see Jenson and David exchange a glance.
“She’s not really that blind, is she?” David asked Jenson.
Jenson shrugged. “Let it go.”
“Is Render awake yet?” I asked.
“Not yet,” David said. “You really did a job on him. He seems to be getting stronger, though.”
I finished my bread. “I need to get back up there.”
“Jo,” Jenson said.
“What?”
She studied me. “You know, Killjoy is a psychopath. He had all of us fooled. That’s what psychopaths do. They excel at it.”
“I know.”
“You weren’t the only one wrong about him. That’s all I’m saying,” she pressed.
“Okay. I’ll see you guys later.” Then nodded, and I put my dirty dishes on the counter and then made my way back to the hospital wing. When I got to his room, Ryan was dozing again, and Sarah came in to check on him.
“He asked for some pain meds while you were out, so those seem to be hitting him now,” she said quietly.
“And everything’s still looking good?”
Sarah nodded. “Dr. Ali was in to check him over while you were out. He’s making really good progress.”
“Good.”
I settled myself back into the recliner after plugging my phone into its charger so I could read to him when he was ready, and then I curled up and dozed for a while as well. I woke to my phone ringing. I quickly grabbed it, glancing at the bed. Ryan was still asleep. I stepped out into the hallway and glanced at the phone. Unknown.
A red-hot feeling of rage tore through me. I activated the tracking app and answered.
Darkest Day (StrikeForce #3) Page 19