I hadn’t done the stupid thing. Something in my gut had kept telling me to hold back, and I’d listened…
And I’d been right.
I was aware that I was probably grinning like an idiot. It was stupid, how much relief I felt. I mean, imagine if I’d gone through everything I’d gone through with Killjoy, only to turn around and make another mistake with yet another guy who seemed perfect at first sight? I’d had that doubtful voice, warning bells going off about Killjoy at first, but I’d ignored it because he’d been so mysterious and charming and big and dangerous looking, and like an idiot I’d started falling for him. Something in me had listened to those warning bells about Justin. And I was so grateful I had. I didn’t believe for a second that Justin was as bad as Killjoy. He was wrong, of course, and small-minded, and possibly a little bit sociopathic, but not evil. Not anywhere near a Killjoy level of evil. If there was a continuum of evil from, say, butterflies to Killjoy, Justin was on the butterfly half of the spectrum. But I’d still had enough sense to be wary.
And when I’d had warning bells go off about Ryan, I’d been careful. I’d found answers instead of blindly hoping he wasn’t evil.
Of course, it would have been a hell of a lot better in every way if I’d been smarter the first time around. I knew that. But, damn, did I need a win, and this felt like one. I’d dodged a bullet.
Ha, a bullet. And he’d wanted the police to shoot supers. Cute.
I pulled my phone out and messaged Jenson.
Are you around?
A few moments later: Yep. You OK?
I messaged back: You’re not gonna believe this. Justin — that carpenter? He hates supers.
Response: You already knew he didn’t like SF.
I answered: Yeah, but he just said he thinks cops should shoot all supers on sight.
I waited a bit longer this time, and then a longer message appeared: I was trying to collect myself. What an idiot. Is he still breathing? You didn’t clobber him did you?
I grinned and messaged back: Nah. He still doesn’t know.
It took an instant before she messaged back: GOOD. Can’t even believe that guy. So, are you okay? Really? You seemed freaked out earlier.
Yeah. On my way back now.
Good. I need you. I’m about to kill James.
I shook my head. Wait til I get back and I’ll help you.
Haha. Just get back here. I need to vent. And I need ice cream. And then maybe we can clobber him.
I shook my head and sent a thumbs up emoji, then stuffed my phone back in my pocket.
When I got back to Command, I found Jenson and we locked ourselves in my suite with large bowls of ice cream from the dining hall and ended up watching Jane Eyre while she vented about how much she hated having James around. Once she’d gotten it all out, we’d laughed and then started talking about the tech David was working on. Then she asked about my fight against Render and I talked a little about how my coordination seems to come and go when I’m fighting.
“Your walking seems to be better,” she said. “You had a kind of shuffling, weaving walk for the first few weeks after that fight with Maddoc. Now, you walk noticeably slower than you used to, but you look steady.”
“I don’t feel steady. If I’m tired, I’m pretty sure I don’t look steady at all.”
“Well, you do a good job of hiding it.”
I grinned. “That actually makes me feel better.”
“Good. Of course, who needs to walk when you can fly? David wants to time you sometime. It seems like your flying speed has picked up a bit.”
“I think that’s my power compensating again, like the power punch thing,” I said with a shrug. “At least, that’s Caine and Dr. Ali’s theory.”
“It’s a good one.”
We sat around a while longer and started watching the movie again.
“Jolene,” Jenson said after a while.
I sighed. “You always decide to use your ‘this is totally important’ voice when there’s about to be a swoony part.”
Jenson threw a pillow at me. “I hate the swoony parts,” she said with a laugh.
“Oh, come on! When Rochester tells Jane that he feels like there’s a thread connecting his heart, his soul to Jane’s, you don’t feel a little bit gooey?” I demanded.
“Gooey? Are you kidding me? And are you forgetting that the guy has his poor wife locked up in the attic?”
“You may have a point,” I said. “Still sweet, though, even if he’s kind of a douche.”
Jenson was watching me closely.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, Christ. Let’s not, okay? What are you looking at me like that for?”
She’d been kind of lounging back against the other side of the couch, and she sat up. “You still believe in stuff like this,” she said, nodding toward the TV.
I didn’t answer.
“After what you’ve been through, you still actually like the idea of that.”
“Liking the idea of it and believing it’s possible are two different things,” I said.
She seemed to deflate a little, and it hit me that she wasn’t asking about me this time. I hid a smile. David might have a chance, after all.
“Not the answer you were hoping for?” I asked, and she shrugged. “Well, what the hell do I know? Maybe it’s possible for you. James was a toad, maybe somewhere along the line you’ll find someone worthy of you.”
She got a bit of a sly smile on her face. “And what’s going on with you and Caine? Anything?”
My mind flashed back to that morning and what he’d said on the elevator. “No. Nothing’s going on there.”
“But—“
“He got hurt because Killjoy thought he meant something to me,” I said quietly. “He’s my partner. End of story.”
She was watching me, a stern, irritated look on her face. “And he’s fine. Are you seriously going to let goddamn Killjoy dictate your life for you?”
“Once he’s dead, I’ll be able to breathe. Until then…” I shrugged. “I’ve already lost too much, and his attack against Caine made me realize that I can’t get complacent. I need to finish this.”
“What if he stays hidden? Are you going to do this forever?”
I sighed. “Do what forever?”
“Punish yourself. Refuse to take what you clearly want.”
I didn’t answer, and after a few moments, she went on. “Have you talked to him about any of this?”
“I’m kind of avoiding him right now.”
“Why?”
I rolled my eyes. “He wants more, and I don’t think give him that.” She was about to say something and I shook my head. “Do you have any idea what it did to me to see him like that? To know that I was the reason why?” I clamped my mouth tight against the way my stomach twisted, just remembering the blood, that waxy pallor when he was in surgery. “I can’t do it again. I can’t have anyone else I lo— anyone else I care about targeted to get to me,” I said quietly. “The best place for him is away from me.”
“And where does that shit stop, Jolene?” she asked. “What about me? I’m your best friend. Maybe you should start avoiding me, too. And probably Dani, since you obviously have a bond with her and you two have grown close in your mourning. David, for sure, because you’re friends and he could get targeted.”
“I probably should. Or you should be avoiding me.”
“This is so goddamn unlike you,” she said, standing up. “I can’t believe you’re doing this. You’re letting that manipulative, cowardly piece of shit run you.”
“Temporarily,” I said, glaring at her. “He’s not going to be able to hide from me forever.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “And what then? Once you’ve won. Maybe those you were trying to protect have moved on, and it’s just you. Is it worth it?”
The idea of Ryan loving someone else, doing the things with anyone else that he said he wanted with me, hurt a hell of a l
ot more than I thought it would.
“They’ll all still be alive,” I said, shoving the thoughts away. “Lindsey has a thing for him.”
“Lindsey is a child and you know damn well he doesn’t think of her like that.”
“Maybe he should.”
At that moment, there was a knock on my door. Jenson got up an answered it, and a second later, she waved Ryan in. He stood there, watching me, a look in his eyes that I could only describe as “dangerous.” Like he either wanted to cuss me out or kiss the hell out of me. It was remarkably like the look in his eyes that day against Render.
“I, um. I should get going, I guess,” Jenson said.
“Enough of my pep talks for tonight, huh?” I asked with a small laugh, even though my stomach was doing somersaults.
“Yeah. Thank you for not saying I’d find a prince,” she said wryly.
“Ugh, who wants a prince? Some pampered little pretty boy?” I felt a smile start, and I tried to force it back. “Nah, I think you like the kind of guy who’ll talk nerdy to you.”
She stood up. “Okay, that’s enough of that,” she said, laughing. “You need to go to sleep. We’ll be here around ten for tomorrow night’s mission.”
“Jenson,” I said. I stood up as well, trying not to laugh. “You know I love you, right?
“I love you too, you insufferable pain in the ass,” she said, and I blew her a kiss. She rolled her eyes and opened the door. “Later, Caine,” she called, then let herself out with a wave.
Which left me alone in my apartment with the one person I’d been doing everything in my power to avoid. I was going to kick her ass.
Ryan looked away from me, shook his head, and walked to the windows. “The last thing I was trying to do was listen in on you. I don’t believe in doing shit like that.”
My stomach twisted. “Okay.”
“But David and I were coming up from the gym and he wanted to check on Jenson because he was worried about her. Said she seemed down or something. So we knocked on Jenson’s door, and I heard you. And I walked away. And I spent about a minute in my apartment before I came back here.”
I sat down and clasped my hands in front of me. He kept looking out the window.
“I knew you were avoiding me. I mean, that much was obvious. I figured I moved too fast, telling you how I felt this morning. That I scared you off. Maybe I was wrong, and you don’t feel the way I thought you did.”
I didn’t answer. Jesus, why did I want to cry? Something in his voice felt like it was reaching straight into me, calling me to him. He turned and looked at me. “But that wasn’t it. You’re avoiding me because you think it’ll keep me safe from fucking Killjoy.”
“He called me a couple nights before it happened. Going off about you again. Not for the first time,” I added quietly, and he raised his eyebrows. “He always thought there was something going on between us. And he said that his informant told him how close we are,” I finished quietly. “That’s the mole I suspected. I told you about that.”
I risked glancing up at him. He was still watching me with that look in his eyes, his entire body tense.
“You heard enough, undoubtedly, to know that this isn’t something I can do now,” I said, gesturing weakly between the two of us. “And anything you were feeling this morning—“
“Don’t. Just don’t,” he snarled, and I clamped my mouth shut. “Don’t even think about telling me what I feel for you.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t risk it.”
“I can take care of myself. I’m not willing to let a psychopath change how I live my life.”
“Well. You should probably go find someone else to live your life with,” I said.
“Maybe Lindsey, huh?” he asked, his voice downright frigid.
“Maybe.”
He looked up at the ceiling and wiped his hands over his face, which was one of those things he did when he was frustrated. “You’ve got me so fucked up I can’t even stay mad at you,” he said after a while.
I didn’t answer, and after a few moments, he came to me and crouched in front of where I was sitting.
“Jolene.”
“Ryan,” I said, unable to stop the little smile, the memory of how many times we’d had that particular little exchange, my name, then his, as if one was the answer to the other.
“I don’t want anyone else. I’m not interested. I may as well be blind, deaf, and frozen when it comes to anyone else. You’re the only one I see. You’re the only one I want to talk to most days, the only one I feel safe talking about my family and my past with. Do you get that? I don’t let anyone in. Ever. Yet here you are, and it’s the only thing that’s felt right in a very long time.”
I didn’t answer. I knew he could hear my heart pounding.
“He got lucky, Jolene,” he said quietly. “He didn’t out-power me or any shit like that. I’m not afraid of Render or anyone else coming at me. They can form a line, as far as I’m concerned.”
“You almost died,” I said quietly.
He went to his knees and came closer to me. He rested his big, warm hands on my knees and gently pushed them apart, moving his big body between them so that there was hardly any space between us. I could feel his warm breath on the side of my face, the heat emanating from his body surrounding me.
“Everybody dies eventually,” he said softly. “The thing is living during the time you have. Don’t let that fucker take your life from you. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s not worth it. You’re gonna take his ass down someday, and I’ll be there cheering you on and laughing my ass off. You’re gonna get there. But don’t put everything on hold until he’s gone.”
There were so many arguments against what he was saying. Common sense, and knowing Killjoy the way I did. Sense said to send him away. I was sensible. But I also knew that he deserved more than my bullshit.
I made myself look up at him. “You are everything I ever could have dreamed of,” I said quietly, and his hands squeezed my knees gently. Every touch ignited something in me. “I need you to know that everything you’re saying you feel for me, I feel it for you, too. I trust you. You make me happy in ways nobody ever has, stupid ways that I thought only existed in romance novels. And I want you,” I said, and he squeezed my knees again, his eyes locked on mine.
“I’m saying I can’t right now,” I said, gently removing his hands from my knees. He turned his hands so that his fingers were twined with mine, his eyes still locked onto mine. “Can you give me that? Can we agree to admit that there’s something between us and we both want it? And can you give me time to do what I need to do? I’m terrified, more now than I was before. If I lose you…” I shook my head.
“You’re asking me if I’ll wait?” he asked.
I nodded.
He kept his gaze on mine. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said, and I felt like I could breathe a little easier. “If this is what you need, I’ll give it to you. I’ll wait. We’ll see where this goes after this mess is over. I know you’re single-minded when you’re going after something. Just tell me someday that single-mindedness is going to be for me.”
I smiled. “Be careful what you wish for.”
He let out a low laugh and looked down at our hands, our fingers still twined on my legs. “You still need time, even beyond everything else. You’ve been fucked over and messed with—“
“I know you’re not Killjoy,” I said softly. “I was afraid at first that someday, the mask would come off. I’m not afraid of that anymore.”
“Good.”
“We need to try really hard to act like this conversation never happened though, okay? I need to find out who he has in here—“
“We need to find out,” he said. “And yeah, we can keep playing the work partner thing. I mean, that’s how we’re keeping things for a while. It shouldn’t be that hard.”
I smiled. “You are so full of shit.”
Ryan laughed. “We’ll manage it. We’ll play this your way, and I’l
l make sure you have what you need.”
“You already do that,” I said. This time, it was me reaching for his hand. I couldn’t stop looking at him. His dark eyes, his firm lips.
The heat in his gaze when his eyes met mine again was enough to take my breath away. “I think sealing this thing with a kiss is a good idea,” he said, his voice a little hoarse.
“I think there’s a law or something,” I murmured. “We have to.”
We closed in, and the second I felt his lips on mine, it felt like every cell, every atom in my body came alive. I was breathless, my heart pounding. I hadn’t been sure what to expect after Killjoy’s barely-there kisses, Justin’s devastating, hungry kisses.
Kissing Ryan was like losing my mind in the best way possible. His lips claimed mine possessively, his arms going around me and crushing me to his body as if there was no such thing as “close enough,” no distance between the two of us that was acceptable to him. I clasped my hands behind his neck and held him close, opening for him when he demanded it, kissing him back as if I needed him more than air, because in that moment, I did.
I was very aware of his body between my knees, his hard chest pressed to mine, his hands warm and strong on my waist, holding me tight, keeping me close to him.
“Jolene,” he groaned against my lips before kissing me again, harder, full of need.
So this was what it felt like to be really, truly kissed by someone who wanted me. I had a feeling this would be addictive. I clung to Ryan as his mouth made love to mine, as all of the tension and need and stress and desire and the bond we’d felt with one another since the beginning infused our kiss. It was a maddening, needy, desperate sensation, and I knew I’d never get enough.
When he finally pulled back, he kissed my jawline, scraping his teeth over it gently, and I let out a small moan.
“Kick his fucking ass, Jolene, and I’ll be waiting. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said breathlessly.
“And if you want me by your side when you take the asshole down, I’ll be there, too.”
I shook my head, and he laughed.
“I thought I’d try to slip that one by you,” he said.
Darkest Day (StrikeForce #3) Page 21