Lauren nodded, reluctantly accepting that Annas heart still belonged completely to Graham Yardley. Despite her own disappointment, as a friend, she would have to let Anna find her own way.
"Ill need your answer by the end of next week ," she conceded.
**********
That night Anna dreamed of Yardley, and of Graham. A storm was coming, like the storm that brought down the sycamore. She was in the garden, the sky darkening around her. Turning to the sea, she saw Graham standing at the edge of the cliff, struggling to stay upright in the gale. She seemed even thinner in the distant gloom, wraithlike, and in danger of being swept from the earth by the force of the snarling winds. Annas cries to her were flung back in her face by the howling blasts. She must reach her!!
"Graham, Im coming," she screamed soundlessly, "Im coming, my darling!!" She fought to move, choking with panic, able only to watch in horror as Graham was flung by the whirlwind into the raging waters.
"No!" she wailed into the night, finally dragging herself to consciousness. She lay gasping, soaked in sweat, her face streaked with tears. The aftermath of her dream left her awash with loss. "Oh God Graham," she whispered into the darkness, "I love you so much."
**********
Anna drove slowly up the drive to Yardley Manor, her heart pounding. Yardley appeared abandoned, dark and foreboding. The shutters were all closed, and windswept debris littered the walks and the wide front porch. She parked her Jeep behind the house by the kitchen and walked down the steep garden path toward the sea. She stopped at the site of the fallen sycamore, thinking of how that accident had finally brought Graham into her arms. Oh, god, she thought she had found heaven. How could she have been so wrong!
She stood for many minutes looking out to the sea, images flashing through her mind like slides on a screen. She recalled how Graham had looked that first day in the library, pale and stern, and so stubborn and proud! She had been drawn to her even then. She remembered the slow building of her love as she had come to know more of the gentle, tortured soul Graham kept hidden within. What finally started tears flowing was the memory of Grahams musicits haunting beauty and the even more beautiful image of Graham playing. As the music cascaded through her mind, so too did the remembrance of their lovemaking. She ached for Grahams touch, and to touch her in return.
Watching the waves crash below, ominous in their fury, she was reminded of the desolation she had felt in her dream. She couldnt continue to live like this. Anna felt a strange steeling of her heart, and a new determination. Replacing the pain that accompanied each breath was a rising anger, and the resolution to put an end to this torment. As she turned and began the long climb back, Anna became aware of another sensations in her heart. She finally recognized that it was hope.
Chapter Nineteen
"Im afraid I simply cannot reveal that information. Im truly sorry."
Anna looked at David Norcross and repeated determinedly, "I must see her. Where has she gone?"
Norcross sighed. "I have strict instructions that no one is to be given that information. If youd like, you can leave a message." His look suggested there was little chance that Graham would return anyones message.
Anna shook her head. "No, I need to talk to her in person."
"If it were a matter of life or death, perhaps."
"Mr. Norcross, it is a matter of life or death. My life and hers." Seeing the surprised look on his face, Anna continued, her eyes locked on his. "I love Graham Yardley. And she loves meI hope. I let her drive me away, but I cant believe thats what she really wants. Please, I must see her. Now, before its too late." Even as she spoke, she struggled with a strange sense of foreboding. She couldnt dispel the feeling that something was terribly wrong.
David Norcross pushed his chair back and went to stand at the windows that rose above Boston Harbor. As his silence grew, Anna remained still, scarcely daring to breathe.
When he spoke at last, it was as if to himself. "I have known Graham Yardley since she was a young girl. Her father was one of my closest friends. Grahams accident nearly killed him, but you must know that," he said, turning to look fully at Anna. "Graham survived, but something vital was lost her joy, her incredible passion, her great talentall gone. We all lost something as a result - and the world lost a great artist."
Anna nodded. "I know thatbut it doesnt have to be that way. Its still part of her, Mr. Norcross - undiminished. Shes been hurt, and shes afraid. I was afraid, and I failed us both. Please help us."
Norcross bent over his desk, wrote quickly on a piece of stationery and handed the slip of paper across the desk to Anna.
"I wish you luck, my dear. For all of our sakes."
**********
"Oh my lord, is it really you?"
Anna swept Helen up into her arms, hugging her fiercely. "Yes, Helen, its really me." She stepped back to gaze at the older woman, instantly struck by the distress and worry in her face. For the first time since Anna had known her, she looked every one of her sixty-five years. Something was wrong. "Is she here, Helen?"
Helen nodded. "Shes out in the gazebo." Helens voice caught on a sob, and she turned away to hide her tears. "I was just taking her tea. Ill ask her if shell see you."
Anna gently restrained her with a hand on her arm. "No you wont. This time it isnt up to her. I intend to talk to her."
"Then youd better prepare yourselfshes ill."
Something in the way Helen looked told more than her words. Icy fear gripped Annas heart. "Tell me."
Helens voice trembled as she recounted the events of the last few terrifying weeks. "She came down with pneumoniasix weeks ago, I think. For some reason the doctors couldnt explain to me, she didnt respond the way they expected to the medicines. They said there was something wrong with her resistancebut"
"What do you think?" Anna asked, her throat painfully tight.
Helen looked at Anna sadly, then replied, "I think she didnt care if she got well. Ive seen Graham through what I thought were the worst times of her life, and Ive never seen her like this."
"Why are you here? Why did you leave Yardley?" Anna asked, fighting her panic, struggling to understand what was happening.
Helen tried not to sound harsh, but her fear outweighed her concern for Annas feelings. "I told you what would happen if you left her! She wouldnt stay there a day after you moved out. Ordered a car, told me to close the house, and left for Philadelphia that night. Shes been alone with her piano day and night, worse than Ive ever seen her. One final work, she said - and shes been at it frantically for months. No wonder the doctors couldnt help! I know whats shes doing! When this is done, she means to leave us!" Helen broke into quiet sobs.
"Oh Jesus," Anna whispered, her eyes closed tightly against the thought. "Why didnt you call me? You must have known I would come!"
"I almost did, especially those few days when she was so ill it looked like we might lose her"
"Oh, god," Anna groaned. Please dont let this be happening !
"But she made me promise that I wouldnt. She didnt want your pity, she said."
"My god, shes a foolbut no more so than I," Anna said harshly. "I called her a coward, but it was I who was the coward. I knew what she had been through. I knew about Christine! Eventually she would have accepted that I loved her, if only I had stayed!"
"It wasnt your love she doubted," Helen corrected gently.
"Then what?" Anna cried in frustration.
"She was afraid of her love for you - afraid it would be too much. She never believed that you would stay."
"And I left her, didnt I?" Anna said bitterly. "This is madness - I have to make her hear me, Helen. I love her so much!"
"Just dont let her send you away," Helen said firmly, beginning to hope for the first time in months. "Shell try to, you know."
Anna shook her head grimly. "I wont leave if theres any part of her that loves me - no matter what she says."
Helen smiled, "Then I neednt worry. Just go to her, my dear girl."<
br />
**********
Graham stood at the rear of the open gazebo, her back to the entrance. Anna paused at the threshold, paralyzed with the reality of seeing her again. She appeared even thinner; Anna could see that she had lost weight. Each tendon in the fine hand that rested on the rail stood out in stark contrast to the overlying skin, stretched to near translucency. Even from a distance Anna saw the tremor in the delicate fingers. She wanted so much to hold her, but she held back. They must talk.
"Thank you, Helenjust leave it, please," Graham said in a low voice. After a moment she tilted her head, listening, "Helen?"
"Hello, darling," Anna called softly, her voice catching in her throat.
Graham swayed slightly and the hand that clutched the railing turned white.
"Anna?" she whispered in disbelief. Abruptly she turned, her dark eyes searching for a figure she would never see, "Anna?"
Anna gasped and took an uncertain step forward. Graham looked so ill! Her normally brilliant gaze was clouded with pain. Her face was gaunt and lined with fatigue. But even more frightening than the dark circles smudging her normally clear skin was her obvious physical weakness. She leaned heavily on her walking stick, and without it Anna was sure she would fall.
"Yes, its me," she said, struggling to keep the fear from showing in her voice. "Im sorry its taken me so long to get here."
Graham straightened with difficulty. She would not have Anna here because of her weakness! With a semblance of her previous authority she demanded, "Did Helen send for you?"
"No, darling, she didnt. I came because I couldnt bear being separated from you any longer. Ive missed you so much."
"I dont want your pity, Anna," Graham snapped, her tone harsh. "And I dont want you here because of my needs." Sagging slightly despite her best efforts, she passed a trembling hand across her face. In a strained voice, she pleaded, "I have little left but my pride, Anna. Please leave me that."
Anna crossed the distance between them to grasp Grahams shoulders in her hands. "Not your needs, Graham mine . I need youmore than youll ever know. I need your strength and your passion and your desire. And, oh god, I need your music!" She tightened her hold, fearing that Graham would somehow slip away. "My life is so barren without you! Please wont you let me come home?"
Graham bowed her head, eyes closed. "Anna, I dont know if I can- I dont know if I dare."
This time Anna would not be denied - she would not give up. "What cant you do, darling? Is it that you dont want me?"
Graham couldnt resist a fleeting caress against Annas cheek. She had thought never to feel her again. She had tried so hard to deny what she knew to be true - that she loved her with the last beat of her heart. As her touch lingered, she remembered each moment of their last night together. Her breath caught painfully in her throat. Softly she said, "Yes, I want you -more than life itself."
"Then what?" Anna persisted, catching Grahams fingers, bestowing a fleeting kiss to her palm. "Tell me why you wont let me love you."
Graham drew a shuddering breath, her eyes closed against the pain. "Im afraid that if I do, it will happen again. I am everything Christine accused me of being - possessive, demanding, consuming in my need -Im afraid if I take you into my life, all of my life - Ill drive you away just as I did Christine. It would be worse than death if I lost you then, Anna."
The last words emerged as a strangled whisper, and the anguish in Grahams voice fueled Annas anger. Christine had ruled Grahams life, even in her absence, for far too long! She would not rule her future, nor Annas!
"I am not Christine, Graham! I love you, and I will go on loving you whether you will have me or not. There is nothing you could do, short of not loving me, that would ever make me leave you. I am not afraid of your needs, or your wants, or your passions. I want you! I want to spend my life with youloving you, being loved by you!" She stepped closer until her body pressed lightly against Grahams, forcing her to feel her passion. "Tell me you dont love me, Graham - tell me you dont want me - and Ill go."
"I cant," Graham groaned, trembling at Annas nearness. She hadnt been born strong enough to resist this torture!
"I have made my choice, Graham, and I choose you." Anna kissed her, a kiss too quickly ended. "You have to choose whether or not you want me. But choose for the right reasons! Choose out of lovenot out of fear!"
It was the kiss that undid her. It stirred every emotion she had tried to bury since the day Anna left her. She needed her, she wanted her, and she could not go on without her. She had no choice; Anna offered her life. With a moan deep in her throat, she surrendered. Her lips sought Annas and were answered with an urgency that matched her own. They kissed fervently, their bodies fusing, swaying together as they reaffirmed their possession of one another. Anna felt herself begin to surge out of control, and leaned back unsteadily, her arms locked around Grahams waist, trying to reduce the shaking of her legs. Graham gasped against her neck, groaning in protest at her withdrawal.
"I want you so much," Graham murmured, insistent, one hand sliding under the loose fabric at Annas waist. Her hand moved lower, seeking the hot welcoming wetness.
"Graham, wait!" Anna said with effort. "We cant do this here!"
"I dont intend to let you go," Graham growled, her lips seeking Annas again.
"Does this mean you love me?" Anna teased gently, pressing both hands against Grahams chest, restraining her for a moment.
"Eternally, my love," Graham affirmed, pulling her close. "Eternally."
**********
The room Graham led her to was dimly lit by a fire burning in a huge fireplace. A four posted canopy bed faced the hearth from the opposite side of the room. Two glasses and a chilled bottle of champagne stood on the bedside table. Graham stopped inside the door, suddenly uncertain, her face questioning. Anna smiled softly as her grip on Grahams hand tightened.
"I havent changed my mind. Ill never change my mind about loving you," Anna whispered gently. "Dont make me wait to show you how much I love you, darling. Its been far too long already."
They undressed with urgent hands, caressing each other with the wonder of newly discovered love. It was Anna who drew them to the bed, guiding Graham down, resting upon her gently. She wanted her, the want like a fierce hunger in her soul. She ached with the urgency to touch her. Her body screamed for the release only those exquisite hands could give her. She left a pool of moisture on Graham's leg where it pressed to her. Her clitoris threatened to burst from the blood coursing into it. She resisted her demanding need, aware of Grahams physical fragility. She shook with the effort it required for her to hold back.
Graham pulled her nearer with surprising strength. "I need you, Anna - now," she whispered. "Its all I need. Please."
As gently as she knew how, Anna took her. Her lips caressed the hollow of Graham's neck and the rise of her breast, pausing to suckle a nipple, explore her navel. Her hands stroked firm muscles and trembling limbs, coming to rest gently in the moist warm sanctuary between her thighs. Tenderly she parted the full, silky folds, breathing her scent, stroking the length of her, tonguing softly the quivering clitoris. She was aware only of the heat of Grahams flesh beneath her lips, and the breathtaking wonder of her cries filling the air. After the long months of waiting, Anna didnt think she could ever touch her enough. She was amazed to feel her own body climb nearer and nearer toward orgasm with each thrust of Graham's hips against her face, each contraction of Graham's muscles around her fingers. Anna groaned as the spasms began at the base of her clitoris and traveled down her legs, into her belly , and finally coalesced into one continuous explosion behind her tightly closed eyes. When she came, Graham murmured her name, and Anna knew a joy beyond anything she had ever dreamed.
Long into the night they loved, stopping only to whisper their devotion, seeking and giving the reassurances they needed to heal. As morning broke, Graham pushed herself up on the pile of pillows at the head of the bed, exhausted but content. Anna lay curled around her, her head
resting against Grahams shoulder.
"Will you pour us some champagne now, my love?"
Anna kissed her, loath to move away even for an instant. "Of course, darling."
Graham sipped the fine wine and sighed. "Are you sure that this is what you want? For a lifetime? I can be - difficult."
"Graham Yardley! I would not have thought you capable of such understatement!" Anna laughed softly, tenderly caressing Grahams cheek. Serious again, she swept her lips across Grahams. "I want this and much, much more."
Graham raised an eyebrow, her face questioning. "And exactly what are your requirements? Perhaps I should consider them before we proceed any further."
Again she laughed, rejoicing in the return of the light in Grahams eyes. "First of all, I want to see you well again," Anna stated quietly.
Graham looked uncomfortable, turning her face away. "Its nothing that having you here wont cure."
"Tell me about it, Graham. Im with you now. Please let me help," Anna urged, pulling Graham close against her.
"After you left, I couldnt stay at Yardley. Nothing, not even losing my sight, was as devastating as losing you." Grahams voice was low and halting. Just recounting the desolation of those days was agonizing.
"Oh, my darling!" Anna cried, near tears. "Im so sorry! Never, never did I mean to hurt you so!" Had she not come now, had Graham not recovered - "Oh god," she gasped involuntarily.
"Shh, my love. Its over now," Graham soothed, silencing Anna with a kiss. "All that matters is that you are here." She didnt tell Anna of how close she had been to death, and how death had seemed like a welcome friend, offering her surcease from a loneliness she could no longer endure. But though her soul had longed for delivery, her body had rallied, and although weak, she was indeed recovering.
"I will never leave you, Grahamyou have my promise. Please, I want to go home, to Yardley. I want to live with you there, and I want to hear you play for me again. Please take me home!"
"I will my love," Graham murmured, her lips finding Annas, finally daring to hope that love could be hers.
Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost Page 16