Magic and Mayhem: A Collection of 21 Fantasy Novels

by Jasmine Walt

  I focused on her throat, licking my fangs.

  "Oh God, don't bite her… don't bite her… pleeease, don't bite her." JoAnn looked away, gagging.

  My new fangs retracted like a well-oiled switchblade.

  "Aunt JoAnn, come on!" Zaire didn't look concerned. "Do you know what this means? We can all live forever, looking as young as she does!"

  "But… but…" JoAnn protested.

  Maybe a little growl, a lunge in her direction, or a good snarl would shut her up. I picked the trash bag up, my nostrils flaring.

  Zaire eyed the tent stakes JoAnn held firmly to her chest. "You really need to read one of my vampire books. Stakes, holy water, crosses - all a myth, JoAnn. She's just about unstoppable."

  JoAnn grimaced and turned away, shuffling her feet. "I skimmed Diary of a Vampire. A lot of killing going on in that book. I couldn't find a single chapter without blood sucking vampires in it. It was disgusting."

  Zaire burst out laughing, slapping her hip. "Oh yeah, baby! She has to drink blood, but she's a frickin' machine with a body to die for. I'd suck a rat for that!"

  I pulled a clear bag out of the mess of jumbled plastic stuff in the trash bag and held it in front of my face.

  "What the hell is this? Mathew Barnes?" I glared at the label on a used bag of human blood, waving it like a flag at a fourth of July parade. It had tubing running from the end with a plastic needle attached. It was only half-full. I really wanted to bitch-slap the both of them.

  Zaire turned to me a bit put out. "I had to rob the hazardous waste bins in the operating rooms. Where the hell did you think I would come up with blood at the hospital? Fuckin' drain the patients? I'm in maintenance for Christ sake, not the blood lab."

  "Just drink the stupid blood, Susan," JoAnn whimpered. "Mom and Jeni will be here soon and we need to say… a few words over the grave."

  My Dracula teeth reappeared. I shot her a look, faked an attempt to jump at her, and growled. She fumbled back, arms swinging, brown eyes wide, and fell flat on her ass in the doorway of the barn.

  Zaire put a hand on my chest and smiled at JoAnn. "I think we should forget about Tootles for tonight, Aunt JoAnn." She grabbed the bag from my hand and slammed it into my new fangs.

  "Damn you Susan, I pissed myself," JoAnn sniveled, trying to get up.

  I growled around the bag as my sister crab-walked further out the door, sitting about two feet on the other side of the threshold.

  I sucked hard and a shiver ran up my spine. It felt so good and tasted so much better than the bucket of stale deer blood.

  Zaire grinned at JoAnn, who was still squirming near the door.

  I drained the bag with the sound of two straws sucking air. Zaire pulled it from my teeth, slapped another half-full bag against my mouth and my fangs searched for the liquid like a puppy rooting for a teat.

  I finished my second bag, pulling it from my fangs and felt them immediately retract. "I'm going to go take a shower before everybody else gets here. I'm filthy." I leered in JoAnn's direction.

  She jumped a good six inches away. The way her skin wobbled made her look tired and old. I couldn't help but laugh inside. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, who's the younger sister now? Poor JoAnn.

  Zaire grabbed the hazardous waste bag, turning to follow me.

  JoAnn got up, blocked the door, and put her hand up, palm facing me. She took several steps back. "I am not letting you in the house stinking like a slaughtered pig. We can hose you off right here first, put some flowers on the grave and then go inside. I brought out a couple of towels and a nightshirt for you."

  I smiled. "I'm getting a shower. You can use the damn hose and the frigging nightshirt." I pointedly stared at the wet spot on the front of her shorts, then started toward the door.

  JoAnn flattened herself against the wall just inside the barn, instantly looking like the work of a skilled, if not slightly deranged taxidermist.

  "Susan, you better be nice or I'll stake you myself while you're sleeping." JoAnn held two tent stakes, one over the other like a cross, pushing them at me.

  "Like that's gonna happen." Zaire shook her head in amusement. "Get the blowtorch. You can hang it from your hip like a gunslinger. That might work if you can catch her. Fire and decapitation. That's about it. And it's friggin', Mom, not frigging. If you're gonna look twenty-five, talk like you're twenty-five."

  "You say friggin' - I say frigging. Deal with it." None of us really knew what the hell would kill a vampire. Zaire was basing her assumptions on the fiction novels laying around the house. I stared at the stakes and rubbed my chest.

  JoAnn looked from the tent stakes to Zaire with a frown. Her knuckles turned white.

  I glared at JoAnn. "Get out of my frigging way."

  "I got these stakes and I'll use them, Susan!" Her arms were raised, both hands extended. Screeching like a lunatic, she flattened herself against the wall again.

  I leapt at her, grabbed her by the throat and lifted her two feet off the floor, fangs hanging from my mouth.

  JoAnn screamed just like a woman in a horror flick and stabbed me in the chest with the stakes.

  "Ouch! Ow! Daaa-mn it all to hell!" I let go of her, looked down at the stakes hanging between my new set of tits and yanked them out, my chest rumbling.

  Zaire slapped another bag of blood on my fangs. I sucked and lifted my blouse to watch the hole in my chest heal.

  "See JoAnn, I told you they wouldn't work," Zaire said with a smile.

  "That's it! I'm getting the blowtorch!" JoAnn yelled, heading for my tools.

  I curled my lips and dropped the stakes on the floor.

  "Okay, where is it? I know that blowtorch is here somewhere," JoAnn mumbled, frantically tossing tools around on my workbench. "Here torchie-torchie," she yelled as if expecting the damn thing to run up barking and licking her leg.

  It was official - my sister had lost it. She just might torch my tight little ass. I made a mental note: Lock up the blowtorch that was in the garage attached to the house.

  I pulled the empty bag off my fangs and walked out of the barn. I didn't make it very far. Headlights swung around the corner of the dirt road leading to the house, blinding me for a minute. My fangs retracted and I handed Zaire the empty blood bag as JoAnn reluctantly stepped out of the barn, her eyes jerking in the direction of the car.

  Resi's red Mustang convertible came to a halt beside my Jeep Wrangler. She jumped out and stood gawking at me for about two seconds before she erupted.

  "My God, you look better than the picture Zaire sent me, but you're like… disgusting!" Her eyes whipped over JoAnn's grimy clothes. "God Damn it, this is real!" Resi turned back to me. "Is that blood? Is that blood on your lips?" Her eyes jumped back to JoAnn. "God Aunt Jo, you look like shit, worse than ever. I've never seen your makeup all drippy like that." Resi turned back to me, grabbed my arms, and held them out. "But Mom, wow, you're a fantastic mess. Can I see your fangs? Do something immortal - like… try to pick up your Jeep!"

  I yanked my arms away and tried to figure out a way to dodge around her so I could get to the shower. But she just kept going on, and on, jumping in front of me. Damn, I wanted to slap her.

  "You look so young!" She twirled her finger at me and I raised an eyebrow. "Where did all the sagging ass and tits go? God, if I knew this was going to happen, I could have saved ten grand on this balloon tit job." She ran both hands down her jaw, over her neck and across her store-bought breasts, lifting boobs that were already threatening to choke her.

  Resi scrunched her nose. "Your hair is…well… it's too red, but maybe you can dye it. Oh man, this is really, really, real!" Resi let out a shrill little giggle, clapping her hands and turning circles. Then she sang, "This is RE-AL... so God damn RE-AL… I can't BE-Leave it… oh, my, my, my, I…"

  "Shut the hell up!" I snapped. Her song cut abruptly to a pouty, frustrated sigh, with cupid lips. "Don't screw with me Resi. I'm going to take a shower."

  "Wait! I just got here, damn it," Resi w
hined, and started to follow me.

  "Doesn't anyone care about Tootles?" JoAnn stood in the frame of the barn door, looking like an encrusted, limp noodle.

  Another set of headlights lit up the area before I could grab her by the throat.

  "Shit!" I kicked Resi's car and it moved about fifteen inches, making a nice big dent in the bumper.

  "Oh wow! Do that again!" Zaire ordered. "Holy shit! F'n-A, man!" Zaire tossed the trash bag over her shoulder, a shit-eating grin on her face.

  Resi punched Zaire's arm and glared at me. "Don't you dare! Why don't you go all vampire on Zaire's car!"

  My mother's face was plastered against the passenger window as the car rolled by on its way to the garage.

  I headed for the house.

  "My mother's a goddamned vampire. Oh, hell yes! Zaire, babe, this is a damn dream come true!" Resi sprinted after me.

  With my extraordinary hearing, I heard the rest of the conversation as if I were standing right beside them.

  "You know, JoAnn, Resi's gonna be a vampire before the night is over," Zaire said.

  Great. Just what I need. Resi's enough of a drama queen without the three-inch fangs.

  "You mean Susan can actually make you guys immortal?!" JoAnn asked in horror.

  "Hell yes! This is a chance in a lifetime, baby. Un-fucking believable."

  "Well, why didn't Tootles become a vampire?"

  "Animals can't be vampires, JoAnn. Read another book."

  I turned back. Zaire was sprinting toward the house. JoAnn was walking slowly across the lawn in her pee-stained shorts.

  I bolted up the front steps and through the front door, knowing I'd be in my bathroom, door locked, before Jeni could get my mother out of the car, up a flight of stairs and into the kitchen.

  Three down and two more to go. But I know my mother will not be beating me with a Bible, nor staking me with a cross. Hell no! The woman is eighty-three with the mind of a teenager, and a body that can't keep up. I think she has a dildo, for Christ sake! I've heard something humming in her bedroom. And she damn sure knows what a vampire is. I've seen her reading Resi's fantasy books. She probably knows more than I do and she'll fight Resi for a chance at immortality - or die trying.

  4

  My body was craving sustenance; the heady scent of blood surrounded me, tempted me, and pulled at me. I slid down the wall and sat at the top of the stairs, clutched my stomach and listened to the conversation downstairs.

  "This is a damn miracle, Jeni." Resi sounded excited. "You do realize we can all live forever, young and beautiful."

  "And kick-ass strong," Zaire added.

  I looked down at my shapely legs, flexed and watched muscles pop up all over the place.

  "Well, Tootles isn't living forever," Joann whimpered.

  I sighed. Sure I'm a hottie, but I killed my sister's dog, and now have to drink blood to keep this body. What if I have to spend the rest of my days sealed up in a coffin, never seeing the light of day? I made another mental note: Find out where I can buy a coffin.

  "That's not her fault, Aunt JoAnn," Resi educated. "I'm surprised she didn't bite you. The lust for blood is very strong at first. It must have taken a lot of control on her part."

  No shit! My nostrils flared with the smell of fresh blood.

  I heard my older daughter, Jeni, laugh. "Are you guys on drugs again? Wha'd you two do, give Aunt JoAnn and Mom a contact high? Vampires are fiction, Resi. Have another cup of coffee."

  Boy is she gonna be surprised.

  "Go put on one of Nanna's Depends," Zaire said. "You're gonna shit yourself when you see your mother."

  "She made me wet my pants," JoAnn added in a small voice.

  "Susabella! Get your new ass down here!" my mother yelled. "This, I got to see."

  My mouth began to salivate. Christ, I'm gonna bite one of them. I don't know if I can stop myself. Maybe they should all put crosses around their necks. Wal-Mart is open 24/7, isn't it? I could suggest they go buy some. Hell, a truckload of them. Shame they don't sell coffins.

  I sucked in all the air in the hallway, got up, let it out, padded down the stairs and peeked around the refrigerator.

  They all sat at the oak picnic table on the other side of breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the dining room, a coffee cup in front of each of them. The blood coursing through their veins sounded like an amplified wave machine.

  "Did ya fall in? I'm not waiting all night!" my mom shouted.

  "She's not shitting Nanna. She's taking a shower," Zaire said, and laughed.

  I shuddered and stepped into the kitchen.

  Everyone turned in my direction. No one said a word. Everyone's heartbeat kicked up a notch.

  Jack Nicholson's face popped into my head, his eyes bulging, ax in hand. "Heeere's Johnny." My fangs dropped.

  Jeni gasped.

  Resi got up, leaned over the breakfast bar and sucked the tension right out of the room. "How can something so horrific look so damn good?" She ran her hand across her head and flattened her bleached-blonde flattop, but it had so much hairspray in it that it bounced back into place the minute she let it go. "Your ass looks tighter than mine, damn it."

  "She looks like a blow up doll humped back to life," my mother announced. A face full of wrinkles rested on a skeletal hand, her other arm splayed across the table, knotty fingers drumming on the table in front of her. "Would I look that young if she sucked on me?"

  So much for scaring them. My fangs magically slid back into my gums. I really needed to work on these babies.

  "This… this… it's past crazy - that's what it is," Jeni ground out, a look of horror on her chubby face as realization set in. "How the hell could this happen?"

  I quickly answered, "Some little kid bit me in a public restroom. Next thing I know, Tootles is hanging from my new teeth."

  No one said a word, so I walked over and poured myself a cup of coffee, trying to act nonchalant.

  "Your teeth aren't getting anywhere near my throat again, I tell you!" JoAnn’s chocolate brown eyes narrowed as she reached for a Bic lighter on the table and flicked it on, extending it in my direction.

  Okay, so now I really want to bite the bitch! I glared at JoAnn with a firm grip on my cup.

  Zaire started giggling. "Put down the lighter before you burn yourself, 'cuz that ain't gonna do shit to her."

  "Can she drink that coffee or will she puke if she does?" Mom asked.

  "Does anyone else think this is absurd?" Jeni's eyes were the size of two quarters. "It's a damn fantasy book nightmare. She has blood-sucking fangs for crying out loud, and you three are acting like we have a new pet. Who is this damn kid? And can he take it back?"

  My gums tingled. "Calm down, Jeni. When you get all excited…I get-"

  Resi bubbled with chaotic laughter, then pointed at her sister. "Take it back! That's a good one, Jen!" Then she got all smarty-pants like. "Nanna, she can eat and drink that coffee, although she doesn't have to. All she needs is blood." Resi looked straight at me, her green eyes sparkling. "And as soon as she finishes her coffee, I want her to make me one."

  "You get what, Susan? What do you get when Jeni gets upset?" JoAnn whimpered, still on the last page.

  "I get all hungry. Hungry for blood." I studied JoAnn's throat and edged toward the end of the counter. "And make your own damn coffee, Resi."

  "Not coffee, Mom. A Vampire."

  My eyes jerked in her direction. That took all of five minutes.

  "This can't be happening!" Jeni shouted, slipping her arm around JoAnn.

  Mom got up and walked over to the coffee table in the living room. I ignored her and pranced around the counter.

  "So you really want me to bite'cha?" I teased with a small self-conscious giggle. My damn stomach growled for attention.

  "Bring it on be-otch." Resi tilted her head with a cocky smile, causing Jeni and JoAnn to gasp.

  "What if I kill you?" I asked, watching her pulse pump in her throat.

  "
Just drink your coffee and then bite my fucking neck."

  "I'm here for ya baby," Zaire said, as her eyes jumped from me to Resi.

  My mother's voice floated into the dining room. "Yeah, a coffin. Do you have one with a camouflage pattern?"

  Everyone's head jerked in the direction of the living room.

  "No, I can't wait for a special order," Mom snapped. "I need one by sun up. Do you deliver?"

  Resi sprinted into the living room and yanked the phone out of my mother's hand. Her brows fought each other for the center of her forehead. "Sorry… um… my grandmother has Alzheimer's and she hasn't been taking her meds."

  Mom slapped her on the back of the head. "A fongoul! I have more brain cells than all of you put together! I don't want her ass going up in flames before she bites me!"

  Resi glared at her. "Christ, can't you be a bit sympathetic? I'm sooo sorry if she got your ass out of bed in the middle of the night for nothing." She dramatically clicked the disconnect button on the phone and turned to my mother. "What the hell were you thinking? You can't just window-shop for a coffin! And she doesn't need one anyway. The sun won't kill her."

  Mom hit the inside of her elbow with the side of her other hand and flipped her granddaughter the bird, then ambled over to the table and sat back down. "Bite the bitch, Susan. Let's see if it works."

  "She is not biting anyone!" Jeni started hyperventilating.

  "I don't want to bite her," I lied, drool dripping down my chin.

  "That's it. I'm getting my Bible and the cross over my bed," JoAnn said. "You even get close to her neck and I'll put a tattoo on your forehead. I mean it, Susan! I watched that Dracula movie! I know what works." She frowned at Zaire.

  I whipped my head in her direction and hissed. My fangs slipped from my gums. JoAnn cringed.

  "A cross?" Zaire giggled. "Go get it. I want to see you try that." She laughed out loud. "You're really outta the loop, Aunt JoAnn."

  So much for the idea of sending them to Wal-Mart for crosses. I mentally crossed them and the coffin off my to-do list.