Magic and Mayhem: A Collection of 21 Fantasy Novels

by Jasmine Walt

  "JoAnn, if she goes up in flames, I don't think a tube of aloe is going to fix it." I ran for the front window, blood dribbling from my glass onto my hand.

  The others followed.

  Resi was turning circles in the front yard, face lifted to the sun as she sang, "Nibbling on sponge cake, watching the sun bake, all of those mortals laden with blood. Strummin' my new fangs... in some big deer's vein... wishin' for humans and searchin' my so-o-oul. Wastin' away again in Vascular-venison-ville…"

  By the end of Resi's little performance, it was clear the sun wouldn't fry us.

  Resi came back in with a bad case of the giggles, drank the rest of the blood in the pitcher, after which she promptly headed for her bedroom, Zaire right behind her, grabbing for Resi's ass.

  "Well, it's nice somebody's getting some," Mom grunted and picked up a book off the coffee table, then settled down on the couch flipping the pages.

  "Mother, do you have to be so vulgar?" JoAnn's eyebrows slammed together on her pink forehead as the girls bedroom door slammed, accompanied by a burst of laughter.

  "So we can cross the sun thing off our list," Mom said. "Anybody got any holy water?"

  "No, and Zaire said that won't work either." JoAnn pouted.

  I grimaced at the empty glass in my hand. "I think if you'd just find us a couple of pedophiles it would take our attention off your damn necks. Zaire's right. This crap is good in a pinch, but… Have you narrowed down any possible human donors?"

  "Yes," Jeni said, tucking the machete into her belt.

  JoAnn looked up at Jeni from her side of the couch, a book propped in her lap. "Tell them who they are, Jen." She scooted further away from Mom.

  "They're owners of an Orlando daycare center, Handle With Care. A husband and wife, both charged for suspicious activity with minors, but they got off due to a screw-up on the part of a young officer that gathered evidence without a warrant. But they're guilty, all right. They closed the day care in Orlando a year ago, opened a new one in Leesburg three months ago."

  I rubbed my hands together. "So we can draw straws to see who-"

  "JoAnn, are you going to do this, or not?" Mom blurted, her fingers wrapped around a copy of Hotter Than Hell. She studied JoAnn's neck with a wee bit too much enthusiasm.

  "I don't know. I can't make up my mind. I've been praying about it all day."

  Jeni rolled her eyes. "JoAnn, honey, I think-"

  I burst out laughing. "JoAnn - you - you-" I couldn't stop laughing.

  Mom asked, "Does God have black sideburns and wear white spandex jumpsuits with sequins on them while he croons, 'Love Me Tender' in your ear?"

  I laughed harder.

  Jeni hooded her eyes. "There's nothing funny about any of this, Mother."

  "Susan, you're going straight to hell and I will not be joining you," JoAnn spat.

  My laughter caught in my throat. Get out of my face, JoAnn, before I bite you. Go do the dishes or something. And while you're at it, whistle 'Jesus Loves Me', cuz, he sure as hell doesn't love me. You go too, Jeni. The floor needs sweepin' and you could sing along.

  JoAnn shook her head, got up, blinked rapidly, and said, "I think I'll get the dishes done."

  Jeni got up and headed for the broom closet. "I'll sweep the kitchen floor."

  I about shit my pants when JoAnn started whistling and Jeni started singing along."

  Mom locked eyes with me. "Looks like my pretty little hands won't have to wash another dish for the rest of my immortal life. I heard your thoughts, Susan."

  9

  After leaving the park Saturday night, Christopher walked to the nearest convenience store and hid behind the dumpster on the side of the building. A middle-aged woman in a battered, baby blue Ford Falcon pulled up, her car clanking and sputtering as she shut it down. She jumped out, grabbed a grease-spotted handbag off the seat and staggered toward the store. Christopher scurried across the lot, hopped in the passenger seat and waited.

  The woman walked out of the store, opened her newly purchased cigarettes, lit one, opened the door of her car and stuffed herself into the driver's seat.

  "Wha-? Hey, where'd you come from kid? Where's your mother?" She placed her soiled cloth purse between her and the driver's door, staring at him through a smoky haze.

  "I'm lost. Can you help me, Ma'am?" Christopher fingered his dirty coveralls.

  She laid the newly opened pack of Virginia Slims on the dashboard and sucked on the cigarette hanging between her lips. "Get out of the car, kid." She let out a long stream of smoke with a whooshing noise.

  Christopher looked into her eyes and mentally pushed, I need your help, bitch. You're going to make a couple of phone calls for me. Then you're gonna feed me. Got it?

  The woman shook her greasy hair, blinked her tired gray eyes and adjusted her baggy, flowered housedress. She shuffled her dirty feet, clad in worn flip-flops, and pushed the key in the ignition. "Sure kid, but I can't take you home. Charlie won't like that." She took another drag off her cigarette, her eyes focused on Christopher.

  His smile didn't move. You're not going home. We're going to make those calls from the phone booth over there. Then we're gettin' right back in the car and you're gonna take me somewhere after I get up close and personal with your neck. Do I make myself clear? Christopher pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket.

  The woman turned the key in the ignition, put the car in gear, backed out of the parking space and drove up to the phone booth. Her cigarette dangled from her lips as she said, "Sure kid, no problem. Who do I call first?" The woman eyed the piece of paper Christopher handed her.

  "The police."

  "What do you mean you lost the scent?" Dorius yelled into the cell phone. "If you'd stop howling at the moon, maybe you'd find time to do your friggin' job, mutt."

  "Cut the shit, Dorius," Paul's tired voice floated into the car from the other side of the speaker.

  "Look, I leave for Italy tonight in…oh…" Dorius looked at the Rolex on his silk clad arm. "…four hours…and Christopher's going to be with me, damn it. Sniff again. And this time find him!"

  Dorius pushed a button on the side of his seat, giving his long legs more room. He was parked on a side street in Leesburg, watching his team load five immortal rogues into a black Suburban, Christopher's absence painfully clear. He'd hoped they were the ones responsible for his abduction and the death of Angelina. They were not.

  "The last place I smelled him was near a Shop-N-Go and then the scent just disappears. You're sure the rogues don't know what happened to him?"

  "They haven't seen him. There's no recollection of Christopher in any of their minds," Dorius growled as he watched the last body tossed in the back of the Suburban. He fiddled with his leather bolo, fingering the large turquoise stone hanging from it.

  "Did you…"

  BEEP…

  "Hold on Paul, I have another call coming in." Dorius hit a button on the cell phone and growled, "Talk to me."

  "Daddy, can I come home now?" Christopher's sarcastic voice filled the car.

  "You little shit! How did my mate die? And this better be good."

  "Fuck you, Dorius. I did all I could. Check out the evening news?"

  The evening news blared in the background as we all settled in front of the television while keeping weary eyes on each other.

  "I started a list of ground rules," Jeni announced, her little black book in her lap. "And the first thing on the list is-"

  "Don't worry Jennifer, you're off limits. You've made your choice clear." Mom looked at JoAnn and licked her lips.

  "Don't even think about it." JoAnn hugged the armrest on her side of the couch. "Why don't you go suck on something outside?"

  "The first thing on the list is no biting without consent. Do I make myself clear?" Jeni said.

  "Aw, come on. Give me an F'n break, man," Zaire snapped. "Make up your mind, JoAnn." She sat in the recliner by Mom's side of the couch, her long legs stretched in front of my mother's path to my
sister.

  "All of you get away from me or I'll grab that blowtorch." JoAnn pointed at the picnic table.

  "Sweetie, you have fetus bangs already. You sure you want to play with fire again?" I sidled slowly around the coffee table, heading for her side of the couch.

  "So, what's with the cut on your wrist, Aunt JoAnn?" Resi sucked in her lower lip, sounding like Hannibal Lecter. She slowly sidled up near me.

  I whipped my eyes in the direction of JoAnn's wrist. How the hell did I miss that?

  "All right you coffin hugging bimbos, back off!" Jeni warned, getting up from the fireplace hearth.

  JoAnn pushed the wrist in question under her butt. "I just wanted to see if I could…well… I licked it and it wasn't that bad, actually, but-"

  I took another step closer. Resi eased up behind me. Mom's fangs puffed out her upper lip. Zaire leaned forward in her chair.

  Chief Inspector Simms of the Tavares police department has disclosed they are now looking for two elderly women in the brutal slaying of a young woman pulled from Tavares lake Sunday afternoon. The woman was murdered in what can only be called the most gruesome crime scene in the history of Tavares. The police received an anonymous tip that two elderly women, believed to be in their late fifties, one blonde, one a redhead, both around five feet tall, left the scene shortly after sunset Saturday in a black Jeep Wrangler. If anyone has any information on the identity of these women, they are encouraged to call the Tavares Police Department. The number-

  Everyone's eyes in the room were riveted on the television as they flashed a telephone number across the bottom of the screen.

  Jeni broke the silence. "Well, isn't this is just dandy?"

  "That little shit!" I spat.

  "Susan, I am not going to jail for you!" JoAnn yelled. "I'm claustrophobic."

  "I didn't touch the damn woman!" I noticed my mother edge closer to JoAnn.

  "Yes you did!"

  "I did not. The kid killed her. I can prove it! Where the hell is my cell phone?" I put another foot forward. Resi took up the slack. My mother's eyes bounced in our direction and she slid her feet in front of Zaire's.

  "I don't believe you! And… and, I don't know where the phone is, darn it."

  "JoAnn, I won't go to jail, you will." I said. "Do I look fifty? No, I didn't think so. So you better find that phone or there is another solution." I edged a little closer, my fangs did the little dropsy thing, then quickly retracted.

  Zaire blatantly shoved her legs in front of my mother’s.

  "I am not making a hasty decision because you lost your temper, darn it!" JoAnn's brows slammed together and her eyes jutted from one side of the couch to the other.

  "You don't want to go to jail, do you?" Resi sidled closer. "Who will put flowers on Tootles grave?"

  "All right, everyone freeze!" Jeni yelled.

  A loud rumble emanated from my mother's chest and before we could stop her, she jumped over Zaire's legs, pounced on JoAnn and sank her incisors into her throat.

  JoAnn let out a yelp.

  Jeni gasped.

  Zaire growled.

  Resi moaned, fangs hanging from her mouth, saliva dripping down her chin.

  "Goddamn it, Mom!" I scurried closer.

  JoAnn's arms pumped like a windmill. "One of you get this bitches', goddamned, mother-fucking fangs out of my neck!"

  "Dang, she sounds like a ho during a turf war!" I laughed.

  "Jesus, can't any of you be trusted?" Jeni shouted. "Nanna! Get your fangs out of JoAnn's throat! Now!"

  Mom sucked fast - emitting big, gulping wet sounds - then jerked her fangs out of JoAnn's throat, looking sated. She bit her wrist and shoved it in JoAnn's face.

  JoAnn vomited all over the glass coffee table and the stuffed gator mounted underneath.

  Jeni ran into the kitchen, came back with a dishcloth, and tossed it at JoAnn.

  Resi waited for her to dab her mouth, then grabbed Mom's wrist and pushed it to JoAnn's lips. "Aunt JoAnn, you have to drink from Nanna."

  JoAnn clutched her stomach, turned her head and retched little runners of bile into the dishcloth. Panting like a dog, she said, "I can't… I can't suck on my own mothers arm!"

  "How long before it's too late, Resi?" Jeni asked with a concerned look.

  Zaire grabbed Mom's wrist. "Bite it again, Nanna."

  "Ahh, fannullone, you're a pain in the hemorrhoid on the right side of my ass," Mom spat. "I am not going to bite my arm all night. This is it. Last chance. If you don't take it this time, I'll pay for your funeral myself." Mom gnawed on her wrist until it was dripping again.

  "Can you at least put it in a glass and get me a bendy straw?" JoAnn groaned.

  Zaire put my mother's wrist over JoAnn's face. Three big drops fell on her tightened lips. Frantically wiping her mouth, JoAnn gagged.

  "This is just so vile. Do any of you see how vile this is? At least get her a cup, Mother!" Jeni backed away, plopping onto the fireplace hearth with an irritated sigh.

  "Son-of-a-bitch!" I yelled, heading for the kitchen. I yanked a glass from the cupboard and brought it to Resi.

  "I'm not drinking it without a straw," JoAnn whined, looking up at me with big eyes.

  I watched Zaire milk some blood from my mother's arm, while Resi held the glass. "You don't need a frigging straw. Just drink the damn blood!"

  "Shut up, Mother," Jeni cried. "You're making it worse. If she doesn't want to drink it, leave her alone!"

  "Aaaand, she can be Nanna's bee-och, " Resi snorted.

  "What are you talking about, Resi?" Jeni wore a horrified look.

  Resi smiled, holding the glass out to JoAnn. "She won't die if she doesn't drink this, but she's been marked by Nanna, and-"

  "What she means is, she would be at my mercy for blood," Mom snickered. "It's in all the books, Jeni. Catch up."

  "Oh. My. God! You mean, she wouldn't die or be like you guys?" Jeni moaned, her eyes the size of cup saucers.

  JoAnn shuddered violently.

  "The books even say she'd WANT to do what I say," Mom informed her. "Like that bug-eating guy in the mental hospital from the Count Dracula book; Renwhah. You'd be my slave, JoAnn."

  "I believe its Renfield, Nanna," Resi said with a grin, shaking the glass at JoAnn.

  JoAnn's eyes wandered to a picture of her beloved pet. She started whimpering, reached up, grabbed her nose and pinched it closed.

  Zaire took hold of her hair and chin, pulling her mouth open.

  Resi tilted the glass over her face. A long trickle of blood went into JoAnn's mouth. Her whole body shook with the assault. Zaire snapped her mouth shut and I started rubbing her throat.

  JoAnn swallowed, eyes shut, her brows hammered together.

  Jeni backed up toward the kitchen, holding her neck and shaking her head. "Oh God - I don't want to be a vampire!"

  "Christ, you sound like a broken record," Mom said.

  10

  JoAnn's hair was long and light brown with soft sandy highlights. Her eyes changed; now they were deep brown with a silver ring around the iris. She had perky, itty-bitty nipple nubs for breasts, with a small waist and nice curvy hips. However, her sexy new body did nothing for her fifty-six year old mentality. She just loved speaking to us without moving her mouth. And no one likes to have someone in their head all the time.

  I am not sucking on an animal! JoAnn mentally pushed. It just reminds me of poor Tootles! Someone has to get me blood and they have to do it right now! JoAnn stood by the foyer, pointing at the front door with a frozen piece of raw meat wrapped in a napkin.

  "JoAnn, it's survival of the fittest, you fannullone," Mom announced, plopping herself down on the couch in front of the television. "So get your scrawny butt out there and find your own deer like the rest of us. I'm tired of bleeding animals for you."

  I have principals, you know. I will not go out in the dark chasing poor innocent animals. I want to drink from a glass like real people! JoAnn popped the meat in her mouth, sucking on it like a Pop
sicle.

  "We got you blood last night and told you it was the last time," I reminded her.

  Jeni rounded the corner, having just finished cleaning the bathrooms after a little prompting on my part. "Nanna, get up off your undead ass and go get her blood. You made her what she is today."

  Mom raised a brow at Jeni and stared her down. Jeni shook her head with a blank stare, tied an apron around her waist and headed to the kitchen to check the roast she had in the oven.

  "You do know they're pushing thoughts into your head to make you do their chores, don't you?" JoAnn took a bite of the raw meat, rolling it around her mouth like an ice cube.

  "Excuse me?" Jeni pulled her apron off, threw it on the counter and stomped back into the room.

  "They did it to me, too. That's why you sang 'Jesus Loves Me' while I did the dishes."

  Mom started giggling.

  "This is not funny!" Jeni yelled. "I will not be manipulated by a bunch of blood-sucking children of the night, damn it! We sure as hell are going to add that to our list." She strutted over to the table by the couch and scribbled in her little black book, throwing nasty brows at all of us.

  "Aw, come on Jeni, its funny. Admit it," Mom giggled.

  It is not funny. And I'm hungry!

  I turned on JoAnn. "Get out of my frigging head!"

  "Not so funny now, is it?" Jeni smirked. "Rule number two. No playing puppeteers!"

  "Are any of you going to get me some deer blood?" JoAnn asked, looking at the lump of gnawed flesh in her hand.

  "Oh, this is priceless," Jeni smiled.

  "No, we are not. You need to grovel like the rest of us," I said.

  Great, if I get eaten by a bear out there, I'm blaming all of you. JoAnn headed for the door.

  "It might be a good idea if you leave the meat here and wash your hands. A bear can be attracted to the smell of raw meat." I shot her a wicked grin.

  She stomped to the trash can, tossed the meat in and wiped her hands on Jeni's discarded apron, then went out the front door in a huff.

  JoAnn started around a bush, slowly sneaking toward a doe in the field in front of her, but a low-lying branch snagged her shoelace. She slowly pulled her foot back, but the branch wouldn't let go. She leaned down, her hand searching, her eyes on the doe as she muttered, "Why do I have to do this? I wasn't made to hunt. I'm a lady, damn it."