by Jasmine Walt
"I might be," Mom announced. "I get sick if I don't suck on a human and I didn't mean to kill that first one, either. But Susan killed-"
"I did not! The gator did!"
"Wait, let's see what rule number two is," JoAnn ordered.
"Don't matter. We fucked that one up," Zaire said.
Jeni looked at us. "Are all of you finished?" No one answered. "Number two: No immortal is allowed to turn a human, unless they are a willing Blood-Mate, and the union is established and sanctioned by the council."
"I'm good!" Resi said with a big smile. "Zaire IS my mate." Resi patted Zaire's leg.
"See, we can erase one off the list." JoAnn smiled at all of us as if this were going well so far.
Jeni burst Resi's bubble. "First of all, you're not sanctioned by the council, and I believe by 'Blood-Mate', they mean a married couple that can procreate. Let me finish."
"Oh hell no. Tell me they aren't a bunch of homophobic assholes like the rest of the friggin' world," Zaire yelled.
Jeni raised an eyebrow and continued. "Number three: You may bear only one child with a Blood-Mate, every five-hundred years."
"I hope they have immortal rubbers, because I'm not having no more kids," Mom announced. "Damn, just when I thought my womb was shriveled up and dead, you throw this shit at me. You two are enough of a pain in my ass. I just want sex. I ain't havin' no little bloodsucking swaddler fangin' up to my new tits!"
"Nanna, sweetie, I'd bet my eye teeth your uterus is still dried up." Resi laughed.
"Whaddaya talkin' about, Resi?" Mom spat.
"Whether her baby-making days are over or not it won't make a shit of difference if they kill all of you, now will it? May I continue?" Jeni really looked pissed.
"Son-of-a-bitch, all this sanctioned shit sounds like control issues to me," I yelled.
"Mother, you are what you are," Jeni sighed. "I'm sure there are good reasons for all of these rules. And let us not forget that they've been enforced for over a thousand years. So for once in your undead life, just shut the hell up and listen."
"I just don't like it." Control was one of my hot buttons and the reason my three marriages didn't work.
"Rule number four: Disclosing the origin or the immortal nature of our being is punishable by death. Number five: An immortal is forbidden from stealing, borrowing, or buying blood from a human establishment."
"Oh shit, that gets me another one. I did it. I fuckin' burn in hell," Zaire pounded her fist on the table in front of her.
"Yes, weee…stole blood," JoAnn said. "But the hospital was just going to throw it away." Once again, my sister was in her own little world.
"But I bet the bastards chalk that one up as two, because I could've got caught," Zaire said.
"Number six:" Jeni ignored us. "No immortal shall ever kill or be involved in the death of another species, unless approved by the council, sanctioned by council and assisted by the council members.
"Well no surprises there," I said.
Jeni was on a roll. "Number seven: An immortal cannot expose another species, and in parenthesis, Shape-shifter, Witch, Fairy, Elf, Troll, Demon, etcetera."
"I guess screwing with Alpo Boy is out of the question," Zaire said.
We all made sounds of amusement. Even Jeni laughed.
Giggles echoed off the kitchen wall and blended with ours. I scrunched up my face and began to think I was hearing Mom's voices in my head.
"Let's finish this so you can get your shit together." Jeni looked at Nanna. "And I really think you guys should give a trip to Miami some more thought."
"I am not getting on a plane." Mom shook her finger at Jeni.
Jeni let out a long slow breath. "I don't know why I even bother, sometimes. Shut the hell up and listen! Rule number eight: Never betray the family or its council."
"Right! They shout and we jump. Screw that!" Zaire was not happy.
Jeni ignored her. "All rules are grounds for serious judgment and penalized by internment, death by fire, or beheading. The penalty is determined by the number of rules broken and the circumstances surrounding them. Two or more justify full punishment. The rules established and sanctioned in the year sixteen-hundred-and-ten, will be in complete accordance with the decisions of the Council. Forever walk in their shadow."
"Forever walk in their shadow?" Nanna guffawed. "What kind of Count Dracula bullshit is that?"
18
The next day we called the number on the card. Two rings and a soft, feminine voice came out of the phone.
"You have reached the offices of BAMVC in Miami. If you know your party's extension, please proceed by entering the four-digit number now. If you want to place an order, please press one. If you wish to report an infraction, please press two. If you want to leave a recorded message for one of our Miami representatives please press three. All other inquiries please press zero. Thank you and forever walk in their shadow."
I pressed zero. The rest of the girls were smiling at me, except JoAnn. She had her eyebrows plastered together.
"Thank you for calling BAMVC. All of our representatives are busy with other calls at the moment. Stay on the line and someone will be with you in approximately five minutes."
We sat listening to 'I Put a Spell on You' emanating from the speaker.
"Great. Five minutes of vampire muzac," I said.
"Well, at least it isn't at a deafening volume," JoAnn glared at Zaire and Resi.
Jeni hummed as we waited. My mother held the Book of Rules in her hands 'just in case', she informed all of us.
"Hello, you have reached the customer service center. If you want to place an order, please press or say one."
"I don't want to order… yet, I want a warm body to talk too, please," I enunciated, getting my face closer to the speaker on the phone.
"Good luck with that," Zaire mumbled.
I frowned at her.
"I'm sorry; I did not understand your request. If you want to place an order, please press or say one. If you want to report an infraction, please press or say two-"
"I want to talk to a real PERSON," I yelled.
"I'm sorry I did not understand your request. If you want to place an order, please press or say one. If you want to report an infraction, please press or say two. If you want to-"
"Mom, there are probably no warm bodies, or real persons. Try the expression, Representatives. That's R E P R E S-" Jeni spelled.
"Shut the hell up, Jeni," I ordered.
"I'm sorry, I did not under-"
"Is there someone alive I can talk to, DAMN IT?" I spat out.
"I'm sorry-"
"You sure as hell are. Get me SOMEONE to talk to, damn it!" I shouted at the phone, slamming my hand on the coffee table.
"One moment please, while I connect you to one of our representatives."
Jeni smiled at me. I growled back.
"Werewolf in London, ah oooh," the next song began, goading me further.
"Shit."
"Susan, if you're too upset to handle the damn call, give the phone to Jen," Mom suggested as the song continued and Jeni hummed along with a smile.
"I'm waiting for a representative, MOTHER, to a background of Werewolf in London, for Christ sake, but I can't enjoy the music if you prattle on!"
Mom let out a long, aggravated sigh as I continued to wait, tapping my foot to the music.
After listening to, 'Christ, You Know it Ain't Easy', the theme song to 'Blade', and some frigging song about a devastated necrophiliac in Bolivia losing the love of his life to some bonfire in a local field on the other side of town while he sat helpless in a locked tomb, someone answered.
"Hello, thank you for calling BAMVC. My name is Buffy. How can I help you today?"
"Oh hell no," Zaire bellowed.
"You've got to be kidding me." I said to the phone on the coffee table.
"Oh, this is good," Jeni giggled.
"I'm sorry; do you have the wrong number? This is BAMVC in Miami. Can I help you with
something?"
"Hello Buffy, dear…" I started, glaring into JoAnn's frowning face.
"You're fucking with us, right?" Resi shoved her face into the phone, stifling a laugh.
Buffy ignored her so I pressed on. "I'm Susan Stech. I received the package that the Morizzio family sent us and I need to talk to one of them please."
There was a shuffling of pages.
"Yes, I have you on my list. But I'm sorry, the council doesn't speak to anyone on this phone."
"Well, can you give me a number to reach one of them, please?" I asked as nicely as I could muster while the rest of the girls looked at the phone with amusement.
"No, I'm sorry., Unless one of them gives you a number, you cannot reach them by telephone. I can set up a meeting though, if you like."
That rankled. I was about to rip the little bitch a new one when she went on. "Let me see," she said, flipping through pages. "Would Wednesday at two AM be good for you?"
"I am not getting on a frigging plane," Mom yelled into the speaker. I grabbed her by her tube top and yanked her back from it.
"Nanna, it's friggin', not frigging," Zaire said.
"I'll talk like I want to talk," Mom spat. "It's always been frigging. You kid's changed it."
"Have you looked into a mirror lately?" Resi asked.
Mom shook her head. "Yeah, and I look hotter than you!"
I smiled at Mom.
Oh, well then, how about… The sound of pages fluttering wafted from the phone.
"No, Wednesday at two AM will not be good for us, neither would any other day, Buffy," I said, getting back on point. "I just want to talk to one of them, please." I hissed, my teeth grinding.
"I can't let you talk to anyone on the council over the telephone," she said again, a little irritation in her voice.
"Sorry if I am upsetting you, BUFFY, but I need to get a message to them, please. And I also need to order blood."
"Well, I can help you with that." She used her cheerful voice. "How many bags do you need?"
I continued. "I don't know. There are five of us. We're… umm…new customers. How do you deliver? And what do we need to do to get set up on regular shipments?"
"We deliver as often as you need it and the amount is up to you." Her saccharin voice told us.
"Alright," I said, lifting my shoulders at the girls with a silly smile on my face. "We'll take three a day for each of us. That's fifteen. You can ship once a week or daily, or whatever everyone else does." I grinned at Jeni, who was leaning back with her pad and pen poised in anticipation. Resi and Zaire started to giggle. JoAnn, alert, hovering with her face close to the phone, hung on every word.
"May I suggest that we ship at least biweekly to insure freshness?" Buffy offered.
"Biweekly is fine. Can we set up regular week days so we can make plans for one of us to be here for the shipments?" I asked, thinking this was way too easy.
"Are Mondays and Thursdays good for you?"
Resi covered her mouth as I sent a questioning look at them. They all nodded their heads.
"Yes, that's good. So, that means we will get fifty-three bags on Mondays and fifty-two on Thursdays. Is that correct?"
"I would suggest getting a few extra on Thursdays in case you run out, or need more than you anticipated. We can overnight you blood, of course, but having, let's say, twelve extra, delivered on Thursdays, might just keep you from running out if there is an emergency. We've found that our clients need more on the weekends. Usually they end up calling for extra bags during the day, or on Sundays when there is no one here staffing the phones. We hate to have you run out." Buffy was overflowing with information.
JoAnn was busy adding the sums in her head and mine. My Mother was looking at me as if this were some kind of joke. Jeni jotted everything down, and the girls were laughing under hands stretched across their mouths.
I tried to concentrate on the call. "Okay, so we'll get fifty seven on Mondays and sixty on Thursdays. Right?"
"Yes. Now can I have the name of your clan and the address you want it sent to?"
Zaire and Resi got up and left the room, their laughter echoing into the living room from the kitchen as they came up with several names for our Clan. I heard, 'The Slaughtered House Five', 'Death Becomes Us Beautifully Fanged', and 'A Family that Slays Together, Stays Together', before turning them out.
"Stech. The name of our Clan is just Stech. What kind of credit cards do you take?" I asked, glaring in the direction of the kitchen.
"Oh, we don't take payment for blood. You're a member now. All you will need to do before we ship out the second order is fill out the registration forms and sign the contract. They will be in the first shipment. The council requires the information so they can reach you if they need your help."
That shut everyone up.
"What contract? I don't understand?"
"Well, BAMVC can monitor their members by delivery of regular shipments. The contract simply assures that you know the rules. In addition, from time to time the council needs information on… others… that may reside in and around your area. When you sign the contract, you are stating that your clan is willing to assist if necessary. It's a trade-off. You get what you need, they expect you to give back. But I assure you, it doesn't happen very often."
Somehow, I felt by sending back the contract, I would be signing my soul away to the devil.
"And if we don't send back the contracts signed?"
"Well then, you would be on your own. I suggest you sign. Your membership gives you all the benefits of belonging to the BAMVC family, protection being the biggest perk."
I thought about checking out the possibility of a swimming pool and gym as part of the package, but asked, "Can you hold on a minute?"
"Of course, take all the time you need."
I pushed the mute button. "Okay, so now what?"
"Mother, just finish the call. We can read the contract when it gets here. I really see no problem. Look at it this way, instead of losing a mortal life; you gain a whole family of blood suckers."
I wanted to wipe the smirk off Jeni's face but, instead, I opted for pressing the mute button to get us back to Buffy the Customer-Slayer. "Thank you. Now I would like to get a message to the council."
"You can do that on our Web site. It's www.BAMVC.com. They pick up correspondence daily."
Jeni got up and headed toward the computer. I was not ready to give up. "So, there's no way to talk to or leave a verbal message?" I asked, wishing I could be in the same room with her for just five minutes.
"No." Buffy stated emphatically, getting a snicker from Jeni.
"Thank you Buffy. Have a nice evening," I spat out sarcastically, "AND FOREVER WALK IN THEIR FUCKING SHADOWS."
"Burning your bridges, Mommy Dearest?" Jeni smiled at me, typing away.
"I am not getting on a plane, Susan," Mom said with a snarl.
"I think we should go meet with them, Nanna." Resi was standing in the kitchen, trying to crank up my mother a bit. I gave her one of JoAnn's looks.
"We can't just do nothing." JoAnn's arms were hugging her chest again, eyebrows in their usual position.
"We don't have to go anywhere… yet." I smiled. "We just need to sign on to their Web site. Jeni can explain everything in an email.
JoAnn pushed, Sure, easy for you to say, Susan. We just email them and we wait, again. Right? I'm tired of waiting. I say we make a flight for tomorrow night and get this whole thing straightened out. I am so tired of you holding the ropes.
"Talk out loud!" Everyone yelled, except Jeni.
Jeni tapped the keys on the computer, smiling at us. "The Web site is very impressive. Everything is coded. We can even order blood from here. They call it bags of fertilizer."
"What? Well, I wish we would have seen that before we all turned ourselves into shit sucking immortals." Mom rubbed her stomach.
Dorius stepped into the boardroom at BAMVC, Miami with a big smile and strutted up to the table. "They order
ed blood and refused to make an appointment. I think it's time we paid the ladies a visit."
"They've made no further contact, Dorius?" Marcus asked.
"No," Dorius answered.
"I told you they're rogues. But nooo, none of you would believe me. I say we burn their friggin' house down with them in it," Christopher suggested from the corner of the room. Buster, sitting beside him, growled his approval. Christopher looked a bit out of place, dressed in a black business suit, black dress shirt open at the collar, a thick gold chain around his neck, and a pair of Keds with a picture of SpongeBob on the toes.
"Nobody is burning anyone, Christopher," Marcus said in a soft, condescending voice as he took a sip of blood from a wineglass, his pinky ring flashing on his extended finger.
"I have some footage of the women on their property. I believe it will make all of you aware what we are dealing with." Dorius lowered the lights to a soft glow as he hit a remote. A large screen fell from the ceiling behind him. He stepped aside and turned to the twelve immortals watching his every move. "Paul was nice enough to film the women for me. They seem to be… well…" He sent his smile around the table. "…let me just show you." He clicked the remote again and the screen came to life.
The scene Dorius chose to display was Jeni reading the rules to the five immortals. When the thread finished Dorius turned to the group. "As you can see, they did make each other, stole blood from a hospital, and more importantly, at least one of them has killed a human and is still drinking from mortals."
Christopher strolled over with Buster at his heels as he flipped on the overhead lights. He opened a wrapper, shoved a big pink blob in his mouth, and started chewing. "So, like I said, a few cans of gasoline and a Bic lighter, and burn baby, burn, disco inferno. What'cha say?"
"The rules clearly state that they have the right to a hearing," Marcus interrupted. "We will leave immediately. When we return with the Stech women we will set up a hearing and do this by the book."
"Buster and I are coming with," Christopher announced. He blew a big pink bubble, sucking it loudly back into his mouth.
"I think not, Christopher," Dorius growled.