by Jasmine Walt
The second time, it's too much to take. “Look, you've made the risks clear and everything, but I want to be home. I've got a life. And I'll never have one here. You're the closest thing to a friend here that I have, and it's pretty damn obvious how far from friendship what we have is. I get it. Fucking was a bad idea. But you cold-shouldering me only makes it worse. So I'm going. I don't give a shit what you say, I'm going. I don't give a shit if I do die, so long as I can be with my friends before I do. I'm not gonna die alone, a stranger in a strange world. And, in case I'm not being clear, this isn't a discussion. No matter what you say, I'm leaving, even if I have to tear the gate open to get it to work for me.”
Reza glares at me, sparks of irritation and hurt in his eyes.
“It's nothing against you; you've been just peachy, aside from the whole nearly-getting-me-killed thing. I'm not even saying I blame you; I had a talk with Abel about…everything. I understand you and I were both swept up in something bigger than us. But you're wrapped up in some of the most frightening moments of my life. I want to feel safe here—want to feel right with you. But I don't right now, and I'm not sure if I ever could. So don't look at me like that.”
“You're not leaving to get yourself killed. Not after everything. The magic will have worn off; the reality won't work with you anymore. If you think you're strong enough to punch through, be my fucking guest and try.”
I pull out the hair he gave me; it may not have been the use he had in mind for it, but… “I'll—”
His nostrils flare at the challenge, and his jaw clenches with hurt. “Give it a try. You don't know what to do with it to get out.”
Damnit. He's right. My face must be beet red. It feels hot and itchy. And I'm furious. No more Mr. Nice Guy, I guess. I slap Reza, for my own pride, and storm out. The way my palm stings is satisfying—I hope it hurts him far worse. If he's serious, if he's not wrong…I am a prisoner.
I want to trash my room, want to leave at least some mark on my space here, but every item I throw shatters, reassembles itself, then flies back to its former place. The world knows where everything should be, I guess. It's yet another unpleasant reminder of my own helplessness. And Reza's hold on my life.
A knock comes on my door, and I glower as I peer through the crack. If it's Reza, I'm gonna slam it shut in his face.
But the eyes are too grumpy to be Reza. Flat grumpy. None of the chaos I see in Reza's. “Eren?” I ask, still hesitant to open it all the way.
“Yeah.”
Grudgingly, I take my weight off it and let him push it open wider. “I'm not really in the mood for company—”
“Shut up.” He shoulders his way in and shuts the door behind him. That makes me uncomfortable. I know how precarious everything is already. The same things that keep me trapped here would still keep me if this turns dangerous. I haven't forgotten how ready to kill me Eren was.
“You want to go home. And if you stay here, you two are gonna tear each other apart. So I think I can get you the best of both worlds. I'll help you get away—and I'll help you fortify your own home. You'll be safe—that'll make Reza happy—and you'll be free again. That should make you happy.”
If it seems too good to be true, usually it is. “What's the catch? Why're you doing this?”
“I should think it's obvious. You're both stubborn, and this place is gonna be a war zone with you two butting heads. He's an ass about showing it, but he cares about you. So I want to do what I can for his sake. He's too caught up in the moment to see the harm he's doing. So until he comes around, you have my loyalty. Because he's sure as fuck gonna thank me for it eventually, and if something happens while he's on his self-righteous rampage, he'll never forgive himself. It's up to me to be the man that he should be and to support you. He cares about you, and that's getting in the way. He's not used to being challenged, and I'm having the time of my life seeing you defy him. He needs someone who's not afraid to get in his face a little.”
I can't find fault in anything he's saying. No hint of a lie or signs that he's just using me for some other end. And he could be my only ticket out of here. “I—okay. Thanks. When can we leave?”
“Right now,” he says and sketches a mark into the air. In front of us, an opening appears. The view on the other side is blurry, as though we’re underwater during a hurricane. He sketches another mark onto my hand and his and leads me through the makeshift gate.
The night air is crisp and tickles my lungs and throat. We're not in the gate we came through. I have no clue where we are. But Eren leads me through the woods until we find a little garage. He digs out the keys to the car inside there and offers them to me. “You know where we're going.”
“Not really. Where are we?”
“We'll find a sign or something and see. Reza's usually the one roaming. I just didn't want to open the same door, in case they were watching it.”
“Makes sense.” I get in the driver's side.
It feels natural being out in the big, wide world again. My old self comes through more with every second of familiarity until I'm singing along with the radio. I turn on the heat in the car, and the sound of its fan blowing eases the tension in my neck. I let myself show a little, satisfied smile.
Five minutes up the road, there's a sign. We're about two hours away from home. I'm so close.
Guilt eats at my mind as I let the road calm me. Reza's gonna be pissed. I've turned his brother against him and defied his wishes. But the selfish fucker deserved it. And this is what I wanted.
So why am I so sad to be parting on these terms?
Eren thumps the bag he had hanging over his shoulder when he sought me out. “There's some textbooks in here. You'll want to study them. I can come by to work with you. You seem like the type of woman who'd rather know how to do this stuff herself.”
“Yeah. I started reading up, but I'm sure the skills won't come easily…”
“You'll get them. And in the meantime, I'm gonna set up a schedule to check on you and renew my own protections over you. We take blood debts seriously, and I'll not shirk Reza's obligation to you.”
“That's a little…old-fashioned.”
“It's the Pack way. You humans have a phrase—'it takes a village to raise a child'. What you fail to see is that it takes that village to do anything worth doing. No one is meant to survive alone. And those who try deprive themselves of worlds they can't even comprehend.”
Is that a barb? Him taunting me for insisting on not relying on Reza and accepting Reza's methods of protecting me? I bite my lip. Two hours of this is gonna be hell.
“If I can ask, what's between you and my brother?”
“What?”
“I smell you on each other. Canine senses.” He scratches the side of his nose.
“Nothing you need to worry about.” I shift awkwardly in my seat. “I was upset and alone and looked to him for comfort. And he hasn't stopped regretting it since.”
“Do you?”
I wrinkle my nose. “Not in the least. Your brother's an ass, but he's a good man. And it's not his fault that things are so sour between us. I just want to be in my own world, not a hanger-on in someone else's. I can't be his damsel in distress. He might play the protector role well, but I'm not okay with that taking priority over every other story I want to shape with my life. If that's what this is, how he sees us, then his power comes directly at the expense of mine. So long as he's powerful, I must necessarily be powerless. I'm not okay playing into that.”
“And that's why he's gonna come around. Trust me on that.”
“I hope so. I guess, when he gets over it, you can tell him I'm happy to talk.” I shrug. “If he gets over it.”
“Just trust me. He'll be fine.”
We finish the drive in silence.
33
Reza
After centuries maintaining the fabric of the Well, I can read it like a book. How many people are there, where they are, even patterns of energy associated with specific people
.
And one person's missing. Alisa. Goddamnit.
How did she do it?
Eren's at the bar when I stomp down, looking for answers. “She's gone, Reza.”
“No shit, Sherlock. How?”
“I took her. And I've got alarms and wards set up for her. She'll be fine. She's a strong one. And I'll see that she stays safe. But you should stay away from her.”
“Like hell—”
“Because she refused to obey you? That's not a good reason to follow her. This is what you wanted, and what she wanted. If there's truly nothing between you two, why is it so hard to let her go?”
“The moment we tell the incubi that they're safe with us, Morena's gonna be on us like a sack of bricks. And for everything Alisa did to help me, she's gonna have a target painted on her back.”
“I know. And that's why I'm teaching her. She's gonna be as able to defend herself as anyone else. But you're not gonna do anyone good moping at the disobedience. And would you love her if she was obedient?”
“I don't love her.”
He snorts. But even putting aside my protest, she wouldn't be the person I like had she folded when Evan demanded she leave me behind. Somehow, I admire her force of will when it's directed it at others, but I can't handle it when we disagree.
She's Pack. And I've been so accustomed to being the alpha, that it only seems natural to expect her to accept her own role in it. That's not good. Maybe Eren's right, and I am being a grade-A jackass.
“She's gone. That's that. Thanks for taking over babysitting duty.” I sound bitter, and maybe I am. But I've got too much to do to dwell on the one person who doesn't want my help.
Eren huffs a “you're being an asshole” sigh, but he lets me ignore him and walk away.
I drown myself in my work, repairing and rebuilding sections of the Well and adding Alisa's protective ward. Eren comes and goes, and every time, it makes me want to punch him. He gets to see Alisa. Gets to know she's safe. He gets to watch her progress, see her strength. And how do I know he doesn't get more? How do I know that she's not reaching out to him as she did to me, finding comfort in his arms? I haven't seen any obvious signs, but the suspicion is still there.
Why do I care if she does? If they make each other even a little happier, they both deserve it. And if Eren's coming around to see the sharp-witted, strong woman I'd come to admire…
“You're giving me that look again,” Eren says a few weeks after Alisa's abrupt departure.
“What look?”
“The one that says I just stole your meal.”
“No I'm not.”
“I know that look when I see it, asshole. So have out with it. What're you pissed about this time?”
“I'm not pissed. Just—how's Alisa?”
“She's okay. Coming along. Her place was trashed, so she's in a hotel for the moment. But she figured out a revision for one of the other wards that specifically targets incubi, so the presence of other people isn't actually a disadvantage like you'd think. Any incubi who tries to break through it will find themselves unconditionally evicted from their mortal host.” His eyes narrow. “What's Alisa have to do with anything?” There's a wily glint in them. He thinks I'm about to admit something.
“It just weighs on me…the way she left. How's she doing?”
“She's happy. Practicing her wards on her friends' homes, feeling strong. Feeling purposeful, learning about her family's history. You don't have to worry about her. That's my job.”
“And are you two—”
“For fuck's sake, Reza. You're the one in love with her. Even if you don't admit it, you know I know it. Do you really think I'd make a move on her knowing that?”
Put that way, it does seem like a nasty, jealous idea to have taken root. “Sorry. You wouldn't do that. Though you could—”
“God, you're stubborn. If you're so interested in her life, go see her yourself. Fuck.” Eren rolls his eyes and shoves past me, the conversation clearly over.
“Fine, then. Don't mind if I do.” It's childish, needing that last word, but his sanctimonious smugness has a way of getting under my skin. “I will.”
34
Reza
Alisa faces me from the other side of the little table in her generic hotel room. Her lips are tight. “Reza. This is a surprise.”
“Yeah. I thought I'd drop by. I needed to stretch my legs.” Uncomfortable silence hangs between us. What do I even say? “I'm sorry.”
“What?” Her eyebrows snap together.
“For how you left. How you had to leave. I'm sorry I chased you away.”
She breathes an unhappy sigh but does it so quietly that I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been fixated on her plump lips. “You didn't chase me away. You just stood in the way of me leaving. And it's fine. Eren's been a huge help. I'm learning lots.”
“You two are getting along better then?”
“He's warmed to me; you were right about that. Maybe he just likes having someone else be a pain in your ass for a change.” She bites her lip. “You want me to order room service or anything? I don't really have a kitchen at the moment…”
“I'm okay. I just came to see you. I wanted to know that you're safe.”
“I can take care of myself, you know.”
“I do. But I'm happier to see that you have all the help you need. I—I feel responsible for you.” I take a deep breath. I need to just say it. I consider you family, consider our burdens the same. You didn't let me deal with mine alone, and I couldn't live with myself if I condemned you to do the same. You'll always have a home with me, if you decide you want it. However, if you do come back to the Well, it'll be voluntarily.
“Don't fret your pretty little head, worrywart.” She looks to the side, a little amused but still entirely too ill at ease for my tastes. Whatever she says, it's obvious that there's still a lot of baggage between us.
“I know. But I do. You're—”
A knock comes at the door, and she sketches a sigil to make the lock temporarily forget that it's locked. The mechanism clicks as the tumblers fall into place. Eren opens the door, waving to her. Her face lights up with relief. “Hey, you…”
He bites his lip. “Didn't know you were here, Reza. Thought you were getting supplies.”
“Figured I'd drop by.”
He seems to know that I'm never gonna be able to get shit off my chest while he's here, but it's too late to leave. I pat Alisa's shoulder and stand. “I need to get back to work. I'm glad you're safe.” It's not what I came here to say, but it's what comes out.
“Me, too. And, Reza?” She pauses. “Thanks.”
Why do I have the sense that it wasn't what she meant to say, either?
35
Alisa
The look on Reza's face when he leaves hurts. But it's for the better. There's just too much between us to be able to talk like friends. There's still some ghost lingering in his eyes when he looks at me. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the memory of the night we spent together. Maybe he's the type to fall hard with sex and he hasn't managed to shake that.
But it's easy to put him out of my mind with Eren there, combing over the newest lessons I was working through in the textbook and making me show him runes for purification and expulsion.
I've come a long way. And if Reza is bitter upon seeing that, it sucks to be him.
I can see the changes every time I talk to someone I used to know. Though the time I spent in the Well seems like only a night, apparently several weeks went by here. Lesley's no longer paying for my company. We had one date, and he insinuated that the innocence was gone from my eyes. Really, the fatherly spark was gone from his, knowing that there were now worlds in which he could teach me nothing. Knowing that I'd seen those worlds and seen just how impotent he is, even though I would have never described it that unkindly, had he asked. Rory has been hesitant, too; she knows something's going on but not what.
I can't tell any of them what I've been through
. That barrier…it makes it seem like I'm now a ghost in my own life. I wish I had it in me to hate Reza for that. I thought about lying, saying that my place got wrecked in a domestic incident with a stalker, but since all my friends have been there once or twice, it would only lead to more questions and the push to reminisce openly about my scary experience. I don't dare make the lie even more complicated.
People always looked to me for something specific—companionship, admiration, validation—and my disappearance and reappearance has unfortunately broken the illusion. Rory's pissed at me, since I'd had two days on the calendar I was supposed to babysit for her, and it's not like I can tell her the real reason I didn't show and didn't call to cancel. She thinks it's just the carefree selfishness of the childless. I can't tell her I was running for my life and being held prisoner by a shapeshifting demon. And since I can't explain where I was, they think it's callousness—me not caring how worried they all were.
I may have made it back, but I've lost what I was fighting for anyway. It's a depressing thought, and the one that keeps me running back to Eren's textbooks and the genealogies he's brought me. Maybe if I understand more about who I am, I won't have to mourn who I was.
The wound Reza exposed when he came to see me is infected, consuming me slowly. Even the throbbing bass and dancing 'til I'm sore at work—both things that've comforted me in the past—even that's not enough. My dreams are restless and strangely empty, a side effect I can only attribute to the layers of charms and wards Eren helped me set up around my hotel room.
Some homecoming.
The room all but echoes with the weight of everything I'm missing. I grit my teeth and try to tune out the distant noises drifting through the walls: everything from others laughing, crying, and screwing, to running water and creaky floors.