by Cindi Madsen
I chuckled. “That’s when you make sure there’s a dog around.” I loosened the knot in his tie to give the fabric more slack, then undid the top button that was right up against his neck. “There. Still looks buttoned, but it should give you a little more air. Best I can do for now.”
He sucked in a big breath, filling his lungs. “Yeah. I can make it work. Thanks.”
I straightened and found Jackson’s eyes on me. He gave me a slow, secretive smile, and a swarm of butterflies took flight in my gut and spread the fluttering all the way up to my heart. Lately I was having so many feelings that my feelings were starting to come right on top of each other, and my body didn’t know how to handle them.
Abort, abort, abort.
I glanced at the door. The heels and dress would slow me down, but I could make it in a few short seconds and then be out of the house and running down the street like a paranoid lunatic. Then the nosy neighbors would call the cops and voila! A ride home.
“Ivy,” Lucinda said, nice and loud, leading me to believe it wasn’t the first time she’d called my name. “You’re right here, dear.” She patted the back of the chair next to Savannah and, with so many people looking my way, I had no choice but to accept my fate. “Jackson, come on. You’re in your usual place across from your sister.”
This was what I got for breaking my rule about going into enemy territory.
We took our seats, and my gaze met Jackson’s across the table. I tried not to let it show that I didn’t exactly love that Caroline was seated to his right, enough chairs squeezed in that their arms occasionally brushed.
He raised a challenging eyebrow, as if to say, Are you going to do something about it?
I raised one right back that said…I don’t know what to do because I’m way out of my league here, so I’m just mimicking you and hoping for inspiration. Anyway, that’s what it meant to me, but I highly doubted he got all that.
Lucinda asked Ray to say Grace, and everyone bowed their head, so I did the same, though the sensation of not belonging here returned full-force. But as everyone started passing around the food, Evan caught my eye and motioned to his napkin like, Hey, don’t forget the trick I told you about, and part of me wished I did.
Maybe even more than part.
I should’ve escaped while I had the chance. Even back in the day when I’d semi-optimistically tried to bond with stepdads or stepsiblings or new schoolmates, I’d never experienced the desire to fit in this strongly. Now I suddenly had this startling yearning to be a different person so I could have a shot at a real long-term relationship. I rubbed my neck, fighting off waves of panic.
As dinner went on, Velma kept directing the attention to Caroline, and while I wanted to hate her on principal, she was sweet and polite and all the things that would work for the life Jackson wanted some day. He’d claimed that he wouldn’t simply fall for her if I was out of the way, but I couldn’t help wondering if that were true.
She finished telling everyone what was going on with the charity that she helped run. I read between the lines and heard the things she was too humble to say, like the fact that she had enough money that she didn’t have to work, but she chose to, to help those less fortunate than herself.
Like I could compete with that.
“What do you do, Ivy?” Caroline asked, right as I’d taken a huge bite of my roll—the plan was to carb load and see if it helped rid me of all these mushy feelings that I was inept at dealing with.
I shoved the food in my mouth over to one cheek. “I’m a bartender.” I reached for my drink, hoping it’d help wash down the roll and serve as a signal that I didn’t want to talk anymore.
“She’s more than that,” Jackson said.
Nearly spraying my drink right back out, I looked at him and worked on swallowing.
“You should see what she’s doing to this old Victorian house. I’m helping her flip it, and she’s got a real eye for design. She’s almost making me a believer in apple green as a suitable wall color.”
“Almost?” I automatically said. “You love that bathroom, admit it. I find you in there all the time.”
A few snickers went around the table. Because while Caroline talked about her charity work, I was the classy broad who talked about him being in the bathroom a lot. Nice one, Ivy.
“Spending hours laying tile can hardly be attributed to the green walls,” Jackson said, “although I think that’s why I started to enjoy them—at least they didn’t need to be tiled.”
“You keep telling yourself that.” I fake-coughed. “In denial.”
“I’ve been thinking of updating my place,” Caroline said, placing her hand on Jackson’s arm. “Maybe you can take a look sometime? See what you think?”
I gritted my teeth. He’d pointed out that I had an eye for design, but she sure wasn’t putting her hand on my arm and asking me for help.
“Sure, I can take a look,” he said.
As dinner wound down, Caroline talked about the changes she wanted in her house, which of course was in this same neighborhood, right next to her perfect parents. Her and Jackson’s kids would play out in the backyard—or even the front, with its perfect picket fence—and be able to walk to either grandparents’ house. The kids would be adorable, too. Amazing hair, amazing family, all around amazingness.
She was perfect for him, and I was a bartender with a cute design hobby that would never be a full-on career, whose skirt was a good three to four inches above the demure range. I was the girl who called with mice and spider problems because despite trying to be strong and independent, I was a hot mess and would always be.
The girl who called him after her mom took sleeping pills, then used him to make her forget that fact for a while. Then, even though I knew I was wrong for him, I jumped right into bed with him again, because he was sexy and amazing, and he had this ability to make me forget the rest of the world existed for a while.
Ugh, why are my thoughts insisting on rubbing how wrong I am for Jackson in my face?
It was selfish to hang on, though. Foolish to look around and think I could ever fit into a family who ate on good china.
Everyone began to push away, and when there was an attempt to help gather the dishes, Lucinda insisted everyone leave them be and go into the sitting room for after-dinner cocktails.
I pushed away, too, preparing myself for what I needed to do.
I might’ve broken rule after rule with him, but it was time I stopped this impending heartbreak in its tracks. Time to pull out all the stops and employ the rule I only used in the direst of circumstances, to scare off guys who were dangerous in the way that they could break down my walls and do permanent damage.
Way # 12: Act bat-shit crazy.
Employing in three…
Two…
One.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“So being just a bartender isn’t enough?” I asked Jackson as he moved over to me with a glass of wine in each hand.
He gave me one of the glasses, his eyebrows ticking together. “Of course it is. I’m just saying there’s a lot more to you.”
“Because there definitely would need to be for me to fit in here.”
“You fit in just fine, Ivy.”
“Not as well as Caroline over there.”
“I think you were fitting in pretty well when you were teaching Evan how to loosen his tie and whatever other nefarious plans you two were hatching over there.” Jackson leaned closer and tugged on the knot of his tie. “Care to hook a brother up?”
Warmth tried to rise up, but I shoved it away. “I’m wearing a freaking dress—one that Velma disapproves of, by the way—and heels, so you have to deal with your tie like an adult.”
His lips brushed the shell of my ear. “I’ll show you all the adult things I can do with it later.”
Heat pooled low in my stomach. This wasn’t going the way it was supposed to. I needed to up the crazy. Needing some space and time to fortify my plan, I tipped back th
e entire glass of wine, then extended the fancy etched crystal toward Jackson.
“Another?” he asked.
“Now you’re keeping track of my drinks? What, a girl can’t enjoy two glasses of wine?”
The furrowed eyebrows reappeared. “What the hell is going on with you?”
“Nothing.” I crossed my arms. “If you’re going to cut me off, I’ll just go get another drink myself.”
Jackson put his hand on my arm, stopping me from heading over to where the wine bottle sat atop a fancy bar cart. “I’ll get it.”
While he went for a refill, I wondered how far I needed to take things. I wished we were alone, but not being alone was what brought this on in the first place. Acting crazy in front of his family would only help push him farther away, even if my stomach dropped at the thought.
Savannah appeared next to me. “So…”
Don’t worry. I’m fixing it. Your brother and I won’t be anything soon.
“Savannah, dear,” Lucinda called. “We were just talking about the centerpieces for your wedding, and Augusta and Velma had an idea. Can you come over here, so we can figure out if it’ll work with the flowers you already picked out?”
Savannah glanced from the group of women to me. “To be continued. You and I need to talk.”
“How ominous,” I said, unable to help myself.
“Nothing ominous,” she assured me before walking over to the group of women. That’s what she thought. As soon as she found out what I’d been up to this past month, she was going to be upset and hurt, and I could handle her angry lecture, but the hurt would slice me right open. Clearly, I’d been out of my mind when I’d entered the no-strings arrangement with Jackson. I knew it’d bite me on the ass eventually; I just had no idea that I’d get so wrapped up in him while I was making a huge mess of my life.
Caroline had stopped Jackson and was flashing a pearly-white smile that matched the pearls around her neck. He broke free and returned, handing me a glass that was refilled to the brim.
“Dude, this is the biggest glass of wine I’ve ever seen.” I sipped it, worried the red liquid would slosh onto the carpet and give the Gambles another memento of the night I messed up their plans to set up their golden son with the perfect woman.
“And I don’t give a damn if you drink the whole thing,” Jackson said. “Want a shot of thirty-year-old scotch to wash it down? Go for it. I don’t care if you get so drunk that I have to carry you out of this house at the end of the night.”
Dang it. He was resisting the crazy better than I thought he would. But after seeing my mom unintentionally sabotage most of her relationships, I had an arsenal of crazy to pull from. Time to bring out the green-eyed monster.
“Oh, I bet you want me to get drunk enough to pass out so that you can continue flirting with Caroline. Don’t think I didn’t see you talking to her. Bet you’re wishing that you’d left me home to mope about my mom’s move now.”
“Okay, that’s it.” Jackson took the drink out of my hand and set his aside as well. Then he turned to fully face me, closing us off from possible conversation with anyone else in the room. “I have no idea what’s happening. What is going on with you?”
“What needs to happen before we both end up hurt.”
He ran a hand through his hair, utter exasperation in his features. “Do you want me to take you home? I’ll make an excuse and—”
“I’m breaking off our arrangement, okay?” It burst out of me, and now my breaths were coming too fast, and it took more effort than it should to continue on and do what I should’ve done before reaching Way Number Twelve, which was more a failsafe than anything else. “It’s gone on too long, and I’m breaking it off now. You’re free to go be with Caroline.”
The line of Jackson’s jaw hardened. “No.”
“No? You don’t get to decide if I’m done with our no-strings fling.”
He crowded my space, making me take a step backward, and my body met the wall. “I do, and I’m saying no. No to ending it, no to her. Just no.”
Swallowing became impossible. It probably didn’t speak well to my mental state that as my irritation flared, so did my desire. I wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him with reckless abandon, our audience be damned.
“Hey, everyone,” Jackson said, raising his voice. Alarm pinged through me, tightening every one of my organs. He took my free hand in his and spun out to face the room, and boy did we have everyone’s attention.
I tried to pull my hand free, but he kept his iron grip. I lowered my voice to a whisper. “Whatever you’re thinking of doing—”
“Ivy and I are dating. You all wanted me to find someone I’m crazy about, and crazy is definitely the word I’d use to describe how I feel when I’m with her.”
Shock went through the room in a wave, bleeding from one face to the next as eyebrows raised and jaws dropped.
He did not. Just. Do. That.
There was no reason to act anymore—I was about to go bat-shit crazy for real.
“We’re not dating,” I quickly said.
“We are,” Jackson loudly contradicted. “Have been for a few weeks now.”
Everyone else seemed frozen in place, like they didn’t know how to react, or perhaps they hoped if they didn’t move, it’d all be a bad dream. I’d employ the same method if I thought it’d work. I looked to Savannah, needing to see her face.
She was the only one who’d moved, taking a few steps in our direction. There was surprise, but there was also a hint of smug I-knew-it in there as well.
“He’s…having a mental breakdown,” I said in her direction, even though I was pretty sure I was the one having a mental breakdown. “He knows I don’t date or do relationships—I made it very clear.”
“Anyway,” Jackson went on, like I hadn’t said anything. “I’m officially off the market and have no desire to get back on it, because as you can see, I already have a girlfriend who’s smart and beautiful and the best damn bartender in the world, although she also gives me a run for my money with renovations. You should see her wield a paint roller.”
“Jackson,” Lucinda said in a reprimanding tone, and I braced myself for harsh words about why I wasn’t right for him. “Language.”
Yes. One little swear word was clearly the problem in this situation.
Jackson lifted my hand and kissed the back of it. “Sorry, Ma. The best dang bartender.” He pulled me closer and then moved his lips next to my ear and whispered, “I mean it, Ivy. You’re smart and beautiful, and I know you like to pretend that you don’t care about anything, but I see you, every single part of you, and I’m still crazy about you. Nothing you do is going to change that.”
Time stopped; the earth spun off its axis. The ice around my heart thawed all at once, even as I tried to keep the protective shell in place.
“Well, I’m glad that you’re finally settling down,” Lucinda said, then she aimed her smiling face my way. “And, Ivy, you’re welcome here anytime, hon. I hope you know that.”
Settling down? Where’d all the air go? On the bright side, his mom seemed okay with the announcement, even though I wasn’t sure I was. Knowing that allowed me a tiny sip of oxygen.
“To Jackson and Ivy,” Ray said, raising his glass, and everyone followed, although I noticed the Porters looked confused and a tad on the pissed-off side.
It shouldn’t make me happy, but I’d be lying if I didn’t experience a little smugness of my own over it.
Everyone echoed the declaration and drank, and there was no way I could tell them they had it all wrong now.
Well. My attempt to take a wrecking ball to this thing just went down in flames.
And I wasn’t even sure how to go about putting the raging WTF fire out.
I figured the most important place to start was with my best friend. I pulled Savannah off to the side when everyone else went to get dessert. “How mad are you?”
“I’m not mad.”
“You’ve got to be
kind of mad, especially after we had the talk at the bar about me not getting in the way. Just let me have it. I deserve it.”
She glanced around, assumedly to check that we were alone, and I steeled myself for the worst. “I put together that he was the guy you were sleeping with—the one you actually liked—the instant you two walked in together.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize it earlier. I’m chalking it up to being distracted with trying to balance doing two workshop sessions a week and planning the wedding.”
“But that’s just the thing,” I said. “We’re sleeping together, and I do like him, but when he said we were dating, that’s quite an exaggeration. We’ve only been on one date.”
“You went on an actual date?” Her voice pitched with a mix of disbelief and excitement at the end, and I could’ve done without the grin the news caused, because she wasn’t getting this at all.
I blew out a breath. “Only because he said he wouldn’t have sex with me again until after we did.”
Her grin widened. “Go Jackson. Who would’ve thought?”
“No. No ‘go Jackson.’ This is just a temporary thing that’s going to end when we finish the house, and I don’t know what he’s thinking trying to cross into more.” I’d already been feeling the pressure not to accidentally hurt him, and now I had to worry about his family, and the pressure was increasing by the second. “You need to tell him about my red flags. Don’t you have experience in relationship interventions? I need help here.”
“People have to want to change when they come to me, and I saw the look on my brother’s face. He doesn’t want to change. He wants you.”
“No, he just thinks he does, because yes, we’ve had a great few weeks.” Amazing more like it, but if I told Savannah that, it’d only give her unrealistic expectations. Since my words didn’t seem to be making an impact, I decided to remind her of hers. “But like you pointed out, I’m a self-destructive mess, and like I keep saying, I don’t do long term, so this is never going to work, and he’s got to know that. He probably only announced it like that to…I don’t know. Take off some of the pressure of having your mom and Velma trying to set him up with Caroline, who’s lovely, and I told him he should go for her. That’s obviously who he should be dating.”