by Ruby Dixon
Why do I not remember even that?
Vektal gets to his feet, gazing into the bonfire. The tribe hushes, the evening growing still. Everyone watches him, waiting.
“This has been a difficult time for us,” he begins, voice grave. “Never have our people been cast out from their home by an earth-shake. We have lost everything we owned, our memories there, and even some of our tribesmates.” He looks over at Warrek, whose eyes shine with tears. “Since that day, we have been searching for a new home. But the South Caves are gone. The Elders’ Cave is unfit to live in. And Taushen, Raahosh, and Leezh have said that the great salt water is too high and covering the caves. We are low on options. We can split up for the brutal season and each family take a hunter cave.”
I tense at the thought. Would I go with my father and mother, or would I go with Stay-see, who does not look at me? Who cries whenever I am near? The thought is worrying. I will care for her and the kit, of course, but I do not know how she will feel, and the brutal season is long.
“I have thought about this,” Vektal continues, “And I do not feel it is the right way to go. We are strongest when we are together, and therefore, we must stay together. All of us. One kill can feed many mouths, and we ensure that all will be fed through the brutal season when we have many hunters to provide for the tribe. So, I will take two of my fastest hunters with me and we shall investigate Hassen’s new place. We will make sure it is safe to bring our families to such a place, and then we will all go together. It will not be an easy journey, but if it is as safe and peaceful as it sounds, it will be a good place to stay.”
A low murmur sweeps through the tribe. I see several people nodding approval. I agree. The thought of spending the brutal season split apart from each other is a lonely one. Our tribe is close-knit. There is no way we would do well spread apart.
Raahosh speaks up. “It is a good plan. Let me go with you, my chief, to investigate this new place.”
Vektal nods. “Hassen will guide us. It took him several days to journey there with Mah-dee, but with fast hunters, we can run for very long distances without tiring, and make it there and back quickly. I would like for Harrec to go, as well. He is swift on his feet.”
Eh? Harrec? I am twice as fast as he is. I jump up. “I wish to go, my chief. I am fast. You know I am.” I also need to prove myself once more—not just to my tribe, but to my own mind. That I am not as broken as everyone thinks I am. Also, I want time away from Stay-see and her sad, accusing looks. I do not say this aloud, though.
It grows silent once more.
Vektal crosses his arms, frowning at me. “You are newly healed, Pashov.”
“I feel fine.” I do not look over at Stay-see. I cannot. But I must do something. I am restless and unhappy around camp. “Let Maylak put her hands on me. She will see I am well.”
Vektal gazes at me for a long moment, and then shakes his head. “You will stay. If the healer says you are well enough, you can hunt for the tribe.”
I sit down again, frustrated.
At my side, Salukh nudges me. “Give yourself time, my brother. We will all be going there soon enough.”
He is right. I do not like it, but he is right. I nod.
“We will leave in the morning,” Vektal says. “Until then, pack everything you can. We will need sleds to carry our gear and for the pregnant females to ride upon when they get tired. Make no mistake, it will be a difficult journey, but I think we will find our home at the end of it.”
Vektal’s human mate breaks into a smile, showing her square white teeth. It makes me think of my human mate. I glance over at Stay-see. She is not smiling. Her gaze meets mine, and she stares at me long and hard, and then looks away.
It is almost like she knows I wanted to escape, and it fills me with guilt.
2
STACY
Ten Days Later
Of all days to be fussy, my little Pacy picked today. Moving day.
He’s normally so good. He loves to hang out in his papoose, he naps like a pro, and when it’s feeding time, he’s not picky. He’s a good baby. He really is. But he is a baby, and he’s prone to the occasional fit…and he seems to want to have one right now. He screams in my ear, banging a fist against my jaw as I hold him. Right now? He doesn’t want to eat. He doesn’t want to nap. He wants to crawl around and explore, but it isn’t the time. Everyone’s packing the last of their gear on sleds as we prepare to leave.
The hunting party checked out the new city, found it a good place to live, and have returned. So now, it’s time to go. Everything’s being trundled up and we set off today.
I’m trying to pack my tent while holding my child. My screamy, screamy child. And I love the little bugger with a fierceness and intensity, but right now, I wish someone would walk a little closer so I could pass him off. My sled is tiny compared to some of the others. Kemli and Borran are helping Farli pack, arguing if they can squeeze more furs onto their already laden sled. Georgie and Maylak are talking nearby and juggling their own kits while their mates prep their sleds. Two of the hunters are butchering a carcass as a last-minute meal, and in the distance, I see Raahosh hastily putting together another sled because, even though we’re homeless, we already have too much crap. Ironic, that.
Theoretically, the supplies are a good thing. Even in a short timeframe, we’ve managed to recover and remake a lot of our missing stuff. It helps to have the small things again, but when you have to carry them across the snow to a place god knows how many miles away? You start wishing you had less gear. And babies? Babies need so much gear. There’s Pacy’s favorite teething rings. His nappies. His extra nappies. The dishes that have the rounded edges. Cups. Blankets. Booties. More nappies. Hell, half my sled is his crap, and I’m pretty sure the other half is my tent.
Pacy screeches like he’s in pain, yelling again.
“What, little man? You want into your papoose?” I start to put him in there, but he only cries louder and waves his arms, indicating I should hold him. All right. I give up on packing for now and hold my son, who decides that I’m still holding him wrong and continues to wail in my ear. Heck, give me a few minutes and I’ll probably be ready to start crying, too. We haven’t even taken step one to the new campsite and I’m already mentally and physically exhausted. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I don’t know what other choice I have.
“Do you need help?”
My heart thuds. One beat. Two beats. The blood races through my body, drowning out sound. I turn, and there he is, tall and strong and handsome, his appearance unchanged except for the fact that one of his horns is now broken off near the brow. My Pashov. My mate.
A stranger.
Nerves curl in my belly. Pacy grabs a handful of my hair and screams louder. I stand there like a doofus, not entirely sure what to do. I want to fling myself into his arms, but I know that won’t be well-received. I’m still a stranger, and the wary, cautious look he’s giving me tells me that. It hurts to see. My Pashov would have made lighthearted jokes about my packing skills, and grabbed my ass while he did so. He was completely free and open, a bit of a rogue at times, but always knew that even when I laughed and smacked his hand away, I didn’t mind.
That’s not the person that stands before me. There’s a question in his eyes, but that’s it. No warm affection, no amusement. No teasing flirtiness with his mate.
“Hi,” I say. I sound breathless, but the truth is that I’m so tense I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do more than speak in monosyllables. Please remember me, I silently beg. Please. Remember who I am. Remember your son.
He gestures at the sled. “Do you need help packing?”
Oh. I nod, prying Pacy’s hand free of my hair. “That would be wonderful, thank you.”
Pashov kneels in the snow next to the sled, and his tail gives a little flick. He gets to work, tightening straps I didn’t do a very good job with and straightening the gear. I watch him as he works, full of longing. There are so many thi
ngs I want to say to him. That I miss him. That I’m hurting without him. That Pacy’s cutting teeth and should have his first one poking through his little gums soon. That being a single parent is hard as heck and I’m struggling. But I wouldn’t say any of that to a stranger, and I’m pretty sure I’m a stranger to him. So I just try to smile and rub Pacy’s little back even as his tail thrashes against my arm.
Pashov works quietly, silent as he fixes the sled up. That’s not like him, either. My mate’s a cheery one. It must be me that’s making him quiet, and of course, that just makes me feel lousy. Like I’m a problem. Like my baby is a problem. And okay, that’s making me get all emotional again. I turn away…
And realize that people are staring.
Okay, it’s a small tribe. We don’t have TV, don’t have books. Gossip is the order of the day, and I get that. But do they have to stare right now? Shouldn’t everyone be busy with something else?
“Is this all?”
“Hmm?” I turn back to Pashov.
He gets to his feet, all graceful motion, and my mouth goes dry at the beauty of him. I thought I’d never see that again—never see his smile, his eyes crinkle at the corners when he’s amused, never look at something as simply gorgeous as his big muscular body flexing as he moves. “Your sled is small. Is this all you have with you? Or is there more?”
I’m vaguely insulted by the question, even though I know it’s asked innocently. “I lost everything in the cave-in. Just like everyone else.”
“Yes, but…” He pauses, rubbing his jaw.
“But I have less than the others?” I guess, filling in the blanks. “I don’t have anyone to hunt for me,” I point out. No one’s going to let me starve, of course. But the extras that come with living with a hunter—extra skins, bones for utensils, all the stuff that makes life here easier—haven’t been coming my way. The mated hunters bring them home for their families. I’m sure if there were extras, they’d bring some to me. But that’s the thing—right now, there are no extras. I’m not going without, I’m just…not as geared up as some of the others. And the unmated hunters haven’t approached because a gift to me in my current state might come across as a courting gesture, and no one wants to do that.
He flinches as if I’ve hit him, and I immediately feel guilty. “Of course.”
“I’m not saying it to be a jerk,” I explain quickly. “But you asked.”
“I…have not yet been cleared to hunt alone,” Pashov says, words measured and careful. His gaze flicks from my face to Pacy, then back to me. “I did not realize I was to hunt for you. I should have guessed…” He trails off.
Great, and now I feel like an even bigger asshole. Of course he wouldn’t think to hunt for us. Half the time he can’t even remember us. My bitterness threatens to overwhelm me. I don’t want to nag him, because if that’s his only memory of me, that’s terrible. But I’m hurt. So hurt. “You didn’t know. Don’t worry about it.”
“But I should be looking after you, yes…?”
Should he? I don’t even know anymore. “It’s not important. Really. And the small sled means I can drag it along behind me more easily—”
The look on his face is aghast. “You are going to drag your own sled?”
I snap at that. “Do you see anyone else that’s going to do it for me?” I hold up Pacy. “Maybe our son?”
Pacy makes a high-pitched baby squeal and reaches out for Pashov.
Pashov, meanwhile, is frozen in place. I don’t know if it’s because I just lost my temper or because I’m holding a baby up in front of him that’s half his. He looks over at me, and then puts his hands out. “May I…hold him?”
Did I think my heart was done breaking? It’s breaking all over again right now. “Of course.”
I hand over Pacy and watch to see how Pashov holds him. Will it be with the casual effortlessness of a father accustomed to slinging his son onto his hip? Or will he hold him gingerly like he’s never held a baby before?
As I watch, Pashov pulls the baby against his chest and studies him for a long moment, face solemn. Pacy, of course, is just thrilled at the familiar face and gurgles happily, smacking a little four-fingered hand against Pashov’s chin. Pashov looks surprised, and then laughs. “He is strong!”
“He is.” My voice catches a little. “You always used to joke that he was going to wrestle Vektal for the chiefdom.”
“Did I? It sounds like something I would say.” He grins, a dimple flashing as he touches Pacy’s little nose.
Seeing them together, I can’t decide if I’m filled with joy or anguish. I should be able to tell the two apart, but they seem to be inexplicably intertwined nowadays. The smile on his face is pure delight, though, and I hold my breath, hoping that he’s going to remember something. Anything.
“Why is his name Pay-see?” He trips over the syllables.
Just like that, my hope is extinguished again. “We’ve taken on the custom of mashing two names together. Part human, and part sa-khui.”
He nods slowly and grabs Pacy’s little hand in his own, gazing down at the four fingers there. “It is odd to see the elements combined.”
“Odd? My son isn’t odd. Your son isn’t odd!” I reach forward and snatch my baby back out of his arms.
Pashov looks surprised at my reaction. “I only meant—”
I hug Pacy close. He wails and tries to push away from me, wanting to go back to his father. I don’t blame him. I’m overreacting. Being a jerk. It’s just that everything Pashov says feels like a dagger right to the freaking heart. “I know. I’m sorry. This is all very hard for me.”
He nods slowly. “I will not bother you anymore. I am sorry.”
I close my eyes and turn my back to him. Did he think he was bothering me? I’m going to fall asleep tonight dreaming of that smile when he held his son. I want to tell him that he’s not bugging me, that I want him to stick around so we can talk and maybe get to comfortable ground somewhere in the middle. But the knot in my throat sticks, and it takes me a long moment before I can compose myself enough to speak.
But when I open my eyes and turn around, Pashov is gone. He’s walked away with the others, my sled tugged along behind him. He doesn’t want to hang around me, then but he also won’t forget his duty. I ache at the sight and wish I’d said something. That I want him to stay.
Perhaps when we stop for a rest tonight, I’ll talk to him. I’ll have all day to think of something to say that won’t trigger defensiveness on either side. I just have to figure out what.
“Come on, let’s get you bundled up and into your papoose,” I tell Pacy, pressing kisses to his tiny brow. This one, at least, I can shower with love.
PASHOV
I grip the small sled I have taken from Stay-see and try to find a measure of calm. Up ahead, Vektal is waving us forward. The journey begins, and those with the heaviest sleds take up the lead. They will set the pace, and we will all stay together. Some of the unmated hunters move toward the back of our group, waiting to help out when necessary, and to protect us as we leave a trail wide enough for a blind metlak to follow.
And even though I am trying to calm my mind, I watch Stay-see. She moves forward, adjusting her hood. Her kit is on her back, strapped into the strange carrier. He is sleeping, his face little more than a blue circle surrounded by plush white dvisti fur. I watch her move, her steps strong and steady as she plunges ahead. She follows the rutted trail left behind by Vektal’s sled at the forefront. She is moving fast now, but most of the other females are riding on the sleds of their mates. Leezh walks alongside her mate, but he carries their kit and hauls the sled behind him. Jo-see chatters happily to her mate from her seat behind him, on their sled, and my brother Zennek is taking one last moment to tuck an extra fur blanket around his mate. The females are tended to and cared for. Of course they are. The walk will be a long one, and she will tire soon enough.
I feel another pang of guilt. Why did I not create a sled big enough to pull her along? Is
it because she bites at me with her words and cries when I try to talk to her? Even so, I should have thought of this. I should have realized she would have no one to look out for her…except me.
When we stop, I will make a new sled, a bigger one, and I will let her ride for the rest of the way. She should not be forced to walk. I am strangely protective of her, even though she will likely get angry at me. I figure she will be angry at me either way. I might as well keep her rested. It will be a long journey, and longer still if she is exhausted.
My sister trots up beside me, a frown on her face. “Why are you back here?”
“Eh?” I watch the little creature bouncing around at her feet. I have no memories of it, either, though I am told that Salukh’s mate tamed the dvisti kit and gave it to Farli. My sister spends more time with the animal than most of the tribe, and I find it strange to invite food to dwell in our encampment.
But lately I suppose I have found a great many things strange, with the large gaps in my memory.
“You are back here,” Farli emphasizes. She nods in Stay-see’s direction. “Should you not be there with her? Keeping her company?”
“I doubt she would like that,” I tell her. I nod at the small pack on her shoulders. “Do you want me to take that?”
She shrugs and immediately dumps it on my sled with a grin. “If you are offering, I will take it. But you should still go to Stay-see’s side.”
Her pet bleats at me.
I grow irritated that everyone has opinions on what I should be doing with Stay-see. “You think I have not offered?”
“Oh, I think you offered.” The look she gives me is far too clever. “But I do not think you are trying very hard to make her happy.”
I bare my fangs at my sister, and she bounds away a step, laughing. “You do not know what you speak of.”
“I bet I do.”
My sister is full of spice this morning, and instead of being amusing, it is irritating. “Is that so?”