by Ruby Dixon
Or were we ever strong and whole? I have no memories of it, but surely we were happy. Surely I cherished her. My mind has not changed; I am just missing parts of my memory. I cannot help but feel panic as she grows more and more distant, though. Being around the others, in this journey? It is just making it worse. There is not much privacy, and she is exhausted. If only we had time alone together, to talk in private and learn to understand one another again—
I pause, thinking. The wind howls, and Rokan gestures at his own distant sled. “My mate will be up soon and wanting to eat before we travel. I will speak with you again soon, friend.” He raises a friendly hand. “Good day to you.”
I repeat the words back to him and focus on my sled, but I am not thinking about it. I am thinking about the weather and how it will hold for several more hands of days. Weeks, as the humans say. I am thinking of a hunter cave tucked into a nearby valley, a brisk walk from here. It is big enough to house a small family for several days, and there is a cache nearby that could feed us for several more days, even if the weather was too poor for hunting.
Am I brave enough to steal my Stay-see away like Raahosh did with Leezh? Like Hassen tried when he stole Li-lah? People have told me of these things, and I am both shocked and fascinated. No one disobeys the chief…and yet two males have in such a short period of time, simply because of the human females.
To break the tribe’s rules seems wrong to me…and yet I need to be alone with my mate. To connect with her again. To get an answer to this problem between us. But just running away does not seem to be the answer. I think of Rokan’s words, of how the weather will be clear.
Do I dare…? It would be an easy thing to let the sled drop back behind the others in the midst of the snow, to veer off the trail and take her toward the hunter cave. But the hunters would follow us. And my chief would be furious. I think for a moment…and then I stand.
I will not run away like a coward. I will let my chief know my wishes. Surely if I go to him first, he will understand.
I check the tent, but Stay-see is still sleeping. Good. I have time to speak to my chief, then. I jog through the encampment, a fire burning in my belly. The more I think about this decision, the more it feels right. I can keep my mate safe. All I need is a handful of days for her to rest, for us to establish ease between us once more. Then I can take her on to join the others.
I find Vektal breaking down his tent with his mate, Shorshie. She is bundled heavily against the weather, the furs making her body seem twice as round as it is. The chief gives me a curious look as I approach. “Is all well?” he asks. “You look… troubled.”
Shorshie is watching me with great curiosity. “Did you remember something?”
I shake my head, hating that I will see disappointment in their faces. “My chief, I must speak with you. I have a request.”
Shorshie puts down the corner of the tent she is holding up. “Why don’t you two talk and I’ll go grab Talie from Asha.” She gives her mate a meaningful look and walks away, hugging the hood of her cloak tighter to her face.
I watch her as she leaves. “Does your mate struggle with the cold?”
“All the humans struggle,” Vektal says, picking up one corner of the tent again and gesturing for me to take up Shorshie’s place. “Some more than others. I think my Georgie hides it because the other females look to her for strength.” He pauses. “Stay-see suffers?”
“She does.”
He looks thoughtful. “Some of the females have taken to hiking or learning to hunt. Stay-see has always been content to remain in the cave and look after the others. She cooks for them, you know.”
“She does?” I am surprised. Stay-see has not shown much enthusiasm for any of the soups doled out on the journey and little interest in the meat, raw or charred. I grab the side of the tent and pull it from its moorings. “What does she cook for them?”
“All kinds of terrible things.” Vektal gives a full-body shake, as if even the thought disturbs him. “Cakes and meat rolled between cakes and roots added to it. The humans are fascinated with these cake-things. I tasted one once and it was sickly sweet, like bad meat.” He reaches forward and grabs a knot, untying it, and the tent collapses. “The females love it, though. They always come to Stay-see and ask her to make things for them. And she does. She is very kind, your mate.”
I do not know if I am upset at this information or pleased. I knew my mate had a big heart—I have seen her be gentle and pleasant to others even when she is tired. But I have also learned more about her in the last few moments than I have in the last hand of days.
All because Stay-see does not talk to me. She does not share her thoughts with me. She does not cook for me. I would eat everything she put in front of me, even her terrible cakes that taste like meat gone bad. “She is the reason I have come to speak to you, my chief.”
“Then speak.”
“I want to take Stay-see away.”
His face grows thunderous. “Explain yourself.”
“She will not talk to me. She carries her hurt like a cloak and will not let me see what is underneath.”
“And you think taking her away will solve this?”
“I think if she has no one to talk to but me, perhaps she will choose to speak to me more.” I can see my chief does not agree, so I rush on. “The more I try to talk to her, the more she pushes me away. I could live with that, I think, and be a patient male…except the travel is hard on her. It pains me to see her suffer.”
“You have feelings for her?”
“Of course. She is my mate.” I am appalled he would even have to ask.
“But you have no memories of her.”
This makes me pause. What he says is true. And yet, the thought of parting from Stay-see makes me ache. Even if I cannot remember our resonance, there is no doubt in my mind that we have a connection. She is mine, just as much as Pacy is, just as much as my hand or my tail belong to me. They are part of who I am, and to lose them would leave me less than whole. Even the thought of Stay-see parting from me causes me agony. “I may not have them here,” I say, pointing at my temple. “But I have them here.” I put a hand over my heart. It makes me think of the words my mother gave me. Was I not trying hard enough? Now I am resolved to work even harder. Stay-see is my mate, and I must win her over.
“So what is your plan?” He does not look pleased, but he has not yet told me no. This is encouraging.
“There is a hunter cave near here. The big one.” When he nods, I know we are both thinking of the same cave. “There is a cache there. I would like to take Stay-see there for a hand of days. It would give her time to rest and time for me to get to know her better.”
“You are sleeping in her tent at night. How much better do you need to know her?”
I can feel my jaw clench. “Just because I share my warmth with her does not mean she shares her heart with me.”
He seems to agree. “Go on.”
“I do not know my mate. I would like to take time to get to know her, and with everyone busy with the journey, it is proving impossible. I would like to take Stay-see to the cave and give her time to rest and time for me to know her and my son.”
“So you are taking her away, just like Hassen and Raahosh.” His voice is flat.
He sees right through my plan. “My understanding was that they did not seek permission.” I keep my voice guarded.
Vektal’s stern expression cracks, and he gives me a rueful smile. “You are a sly one, my friend. I am glad to have you back. We all worried over you.”
“I am not completely back,” I tell him. “Not in all eyes.”
He makes a grunt of acknowledgment and folds the tent up. I remain silent so he can think. He has a mate and a new kit. He will understand my struggle. After a moment, though, he shakes his head. “I cannot. Not with the brutal season so quick on our heels.”
I fight back a stab of disappointment. “I spoke with Rokan. He says the brutal season will be delayed.�
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My chief looks up at the skies, gray and full of clouds. Snow is thick in the air. “Truly?”
“Truly,” I agree. “He says after today’s storm, we have until the next moon before the brutal season is truly upon us. That will be more than enough time.” I give him a lazy smile to make it seem like I am less eager. “You know Rokan and his weather-sense are never wrong.”
Vektal narrows his eyes. “You speak the truth?”
“I do. I have nothing to gain by lying to my chief.”
“Don’t you?”
I grin wider. “If I wished to lie, would it not be easier to just steal my mate away and then tell you I have forgotten where we are going?”
He stares at me for a long moment, and then a hearty laugh erupts from him. He claps me on the back. “If you did that, I would truly throttle you, my friend. I prefer you with your memory intact.”
“I prefer myself that way, too.” The ache returns to my breast. “This is important to me.”
“I understand.” He rubs his jaw, thinking. His gaze scans the encampment, and I know he is looking for Rokan. He is a short distance away, gesturing to his small mate. The chief looks back at me. “You are healthy? No pains? No problems?”
“Only that I cannot remember anything that has happened in the last few seasons. All else is as it has ever been.” Only. I make it sound like it is not a problem. It is a huge problem, but I do not want my chief to worry over my health and decide not to let me take my mate away.
Because I am going to—with or without his permission.
Vektal rubs his chin for a bit longer. He studies me, then sighs. “You will go to the hunter cave near here. The one with two chambers.”
“Across the valley?” I gesture at the distant landscape. It is not more than a brief jaunt in the snow from where we are. An hour of travel, maybe less. I know of the ‘double’ cave he speaks of. It is like two small caves connected, and one of the largest hunter caves in our territory.
“Across the valley,” he agrees. “That cave and no other. I want to know exactly where to find you.”
I swallow my excitement, though I cannot stop the relieved grin spreading across my face. “The cave near here. No other.” I repeat his words precisely.
“And you know where we are going?”
I nod. Hassen has shared the details of the ‘new’ place under our familiar grounds so many times that I know the exact spot we are heading to. “I will not get lost.”
“No, I suppose you will not.” Vektal seems amused at my claim. “You are one of my best hunters, Pashov. If that has not changed, you will have no problems finding the place. Still, we will leave a marker of some kind so you will know you are in the right valley. A spear sticking out of the ground, or a fur tossed in a tree, perhaps.”
“A fur would work,” I joke. “I have many of them that Pacy has made filthy over the last several days.”
He snorts and gets down on hands and knees, rolling the leather tent into a tight bundle. “You think I do not have bags and bags of frozen dirty wraps from my daughter? Georgie wails that she needs to do lawn-dree desperately.” He shakes his head and looks up at me. “I cannot talk you out of this, can I?”
“No, you cannot.” I fight back my jubilation.
“You will be careful? This is near metlak territory. We do not know how they will act with so many sa-khui coming into their land.”
“I can protect my mate and kit.”
“I know you can. I would be a bad chief if I did not remind you to keep eyes and ears open, however. I do not like this, but if the weather is as Rokan says it is, and you are determined, then I cannot stop you. Stay-see has agreed to this?”
I…have not asked her. I will not ask her, because I suspect her answer will be no. I nod at my chief and ignore the sickly knot in my stomach. I do not like to lie to my chief…but for Stay-see? I will lie.
“You have four hands of days. Our hands, not human hands.” He wiggles his three fingers and thumb at me, as if to remind me that we have one less digit than the small human hands.
“We are at least one hand of days away from the valley,” I protest. “Maybe two. It is not enough time.” That will only give me two hands of days to woo my mate.
“No more,” Vektal says in a hard voice. “Or I do not let you go at all.”
“Four hands,” I agree. I will make use of every day I have with Stay-see, then. It must be enough.
“Find us in the new valley. Be there within four hands of days, or I will come for you.” The look he gives me is narrow-eyed. “You had better not make me come for you. I will not be pleased.”
I laugh. “You will not have to come get me. We will rejoin the tribe before the brutal season arrives. This I promise.”
He thinks for a moment, then adds, “If you are not back by turning of the moons, I will send Bek after you.”
I shrug. Bek is prickly but competent. I do not mind him.
“And Harrec.”
I scowl at that. “We will be back.”
I am bursting with excitement over my plan. Vektal and I speak to the hunters who watch over the back of our group, letting them know that I will be breaking off from the herd shortly. Several look worried, but Bek looks pleased that I am taking action. He gives me a solemn nod before turning to leave.
When I return to my tent, Stay-see is awake. She gives me a curious look at my good mood but says nothing, focusing on feeding and changing Pacy. I hurry to pack our things, noticing with mixed feelings that the snow is coming down faster. It will give weight to my story that I will tell my mate: that we were separated from the tribe due to the storm and must shelter at the cave. I only wish it would not be so cold, because already Stay-see shivers miserably. I take the cloak off my shoulders and offer it to her, but she shakes her head. “You must stay warm, too.”
“I will be warm enough pulling the sled,” I tell her, but she refuses.
I bundle her and my son up on the sled, taking care to pack the blankets tightly around her. Once our things are packed, I grab the sled handles and set off into the blinding snow.
Soon we will be alone together.
Then Stay-see will have no choice but to confess her worries to me, and we will heal. If I cannot have my old memories back, we will make new ones.
I am eager to begin.
6
STACY
The weather today is horrible. No amount of lotion can stop the wind from hurting my face, and no amount of furs can stop the bitter cold from cutting through the layers. It’s miserable, and I think of the last brutal season, when the weather was so awful that even the sa-khui stayed bundled in the cave. It doesn’t encourage me much. But we’ll get through this, because we have no other choice.
Pashov has made a wind-break with several rolls of furs on the sled, and I huddle behind it, shielding Pacy with my body as our sled plows on through the blizzard. The snow is falling so heavily that the skies seem dark as night, even though I know it’s midday. I can’t see any of the sleds we normally follow. Actually, I can’t see much of anything except for Pashov’s big body a few feet ahead, tirelessly pulling the sled. I’m grateful to him. I can’t imagine trying to walk in this.
And I feel guilty that I’ve been treating him so poorly lately. I’m being selfish. I think he’s trying, but it’s hard for me. My exhaustion doesn’t help, and the snow doesn’t help, and the sex we had the other day sure doesn’t help, because now I want to have sex again. My body doesn’t seem to grasp that this Pashov isn’t quite the same as the old Pashov. It still wants him and still wants the comfort and release of sex.
As I huddle under the blankets and hug Pacy close, I think of the last few days and feel a bit ashamed for how I’ve been acting. It’s not his fault. None of this is, and I feel like I’m blaming him. I’m not proud of how I’ve been coping with everything. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been on the defensive ever since he woke up.
Because he can’t remember me, I
feel like I’m a problem. Like Pacy’s a problem. Of course I’m defensive about being a problem. But Pashov hasn’t indicated that we’re the problem. I think I’m just taking my frustrations out on him, and every time he does something that doesn’t feel like the ‘old’ Pashov to me, I resent it. So he doesn’t grab my butt like he used to. He’s still a good, kind man. He’s still the father of my son.
Maybe instead of resenting the changes, I need to remind myself that he’s alive and healthy. I have a mate. He didn’t die in the cave-in. Pacy will have a father. Surely I can be grateful for that.
A father that doesn’t remember him, my horrible brain whispers. My brain is a jerk.
The wind howls, and I cringe under the blankets. Pacy’s unbothered by the terrible weather, burbling happily to himself and playing with a carved bone toy in my lap. I can’t help but worry, though. The air seems to get more frigid with every passing moment, and the snow thicker. I peek out at the stormy gray world, and it’s so cold my skin feels seared. “Pashov?” I call out. I have to raise my voice to be heard over the howling wind.
My mate immediately sets down the sled and turns to me, tucking blankets tighter around me and Pacy. “Are you well enough to travel? Do you need more blankets?” He starts to shrug off his cloak, as if to give it to me.
“We’re okay,” I tell him quickly. “Keep your cloak. Is the weather getting worse?”
He nods. “We will stop soon.”
“Soon?” I repeat, not sure I heard him correctly or if it’s just the wind ripping at his words. When he nods, I feel a tinge of relief. “Do you think we’ll have a fire?” I yell out.
“I will make you a fire,” he promises, tying my cloak tighter around my chin. “Get under the blankets and stay warm.”
“Are you all right?” I search his face to see if he’s feeling the chill as much as I am. He gives me a boyish smile and a nod, and my heart flip-flops in my chest at the sight. He turns back to the front of the sled and picks up the handles again, but I’m still sitting, stunned. That smile was the same Pashov as ever, and part of me wants to leap from the sled and turn him around and make him smile at me again.