“I can manage my own assets and make my own decisions!”
Robert’s patronizing laughter caused a small stream of butane to escape and meet with a spark.
“Natalie, Natalie.” He reached over and patted Andrew’s hand. “Since when have you ever managed anything beyond the grocery list?” Robert chuckled. “Don’t worry, hon. I’ll be taking care of everything like always.”
The disparity inside his head was overwhelming. He felt furious and insulted to be virtually stripped of his rights. But—
This was Natalie’s life. This was my life. She—I—we … Whatever. We wanted this. We liked this.
Natalie didn’t have to worry about income, bills, or property. Was her name listed on the house? Their bank account? Andrew had no idea. She’d been complacent in being told by Robert that all was well. She worked at the school, cleaned the house, and took care of the children. He gave her an allowance for groceries, clothing, and spending money. Everything else Robert handled. So really, as Natalie, Andrew had no reason to be upset about life carrying on “like always.”
But I don’t want that. The new me. I want to be independent and have control over my life. I—
“It’s just necessary for you to temporarily have a guardian who can legally represent you, act as your healthcare proxy, and manage your assets.” The psychiatrist broke into Andrew’s thoughts and he looked over at her distorted smile. “In a few short days you’ll be going home with your husband and little boy. Before you have time to think about it, the six months will be over and it’ll be like nothing ever happened.”
“Just another perfect, happy reunification. Thanks to CryoLife,” Brigman added.
Perfect. Happy. He was trying. How many seconds had he allowed Robert’s hand to be on him just now? But it wasn’t working. Things weren’t happy. Not while he felt this way. Things also weren’t perfect. And how long would it be before Robert found that out?
Andrew tipped his head to Robert without taking his eyes from the head doctor. “Unless he finds something wrong with me and returns me to you? Unless he finds a nick in the paint or some other mistake you people—”
For the first time, Andrew saw Brigman’s fake congeniality swept away by coldness. The doctor’s brow furrowed, his mouth tight and pinched. “We do not—”
“Mrs. Keller, you’re understandably confusing that portion of the agreement.” Zuniga crossed her ankles and nodded. “It’s nothing negative, but another clause designed to protect you. Should the conservator determine that an individual doesn’t meet the criteria for granting the previous identity, rather than abandon you in this in-between stage, you’ll simply return to our facility until the conservatorship expires.”
“And then?”
“We’d grant you a different identity and send you on your way.”
The balloon woman made an interesting point.
So I can try this out and make an honest effort like I promised myself I would. Once I’m off the meds, I pick up where Natalie—I left off. It may not seem like things will be great, but they could be.
Andrew looked at the floor. It was short, rough carpet and not the Pollock-ish tile from the hallway, but that was okay.
Worst case scenario and I just can’t pull it off, I come back here and get a new identity. Not that I want that. At least I can trust Robert. And not that it really even is an option since these meds have me on a constant acid trip. I’ll get over it once they leave me alone.
Andrew lifted his head and looked carefully between Robert and the head doctor. “Okay.”
Dr. Brigman’s broad smile returned. “Good. Now it won’t all be fun and games. There are still CryoLife regulations you’ll need to comply with following your release from the Center, including the continuation of your medication.”
His chest tightened. “All the medication?”
“The medication is critical,” Zuniga said. “It’s a specific immunosuppressant that only licensed distributors are equipped to handle.”
Breathe. An immunosuppressant is fine. That wouldn’t cause these feelings. They’ve got me on something else I’ll stop taking, I’m sure of it.
“Of course, if you have the slightest concern, feel free to contact us right away, and we’ll take care of it.” The doctor nodded to Robert. “Part of our complete, lifetime support system for you both.”
“Really superior.” Robert removed his hand from Andrew’s, leaving it moist and sticky. “It’s unfortunate that more organizations don’t operate this way.”
Andrew rubbed his palm along his thigh to relieve the clamminess. He curled his hand around the wheelchair’s armrest. You’re Natalie. You’re Natalie.
“Was there anything else we could answer for you?” Brigman asked.
Robert seemed barely able to contain himself. “Dr. Zuniga, you mentioned Natalie will be able to come home in a few days. Can you be more specific?”
There was that sick feeling in the pit of Andrew’s stomach – the nausea that ended all thoughts.
“With the progress your wife is making, I’d anticipate she’ll be ready to leave about a week from today,” the doctor answered.
Robert stood and unlocked the brakes of Andrew’s wheelchair before catching Brigman’s extended hand. “So next pizza Thursday?”
The man laughed and gave his hand an extra pump. “Yes, sir. Next pizza Thursday.”
Andrew swung his gaze to the ceiling before closing his eyes. What the fuck.
Chapter 5
“It’s not that bad, Nat.”
To say the previous day’s meeting had left a bad taste in his wife’s mouth was an understatement. She’d been aloof before, but now she calculated every move made as if actively resisting some invisible force. The slight connotation between uncertainty and caution.
“Easy for you to say it’s not bad.” Natalie stared out her room’s window. “Did you die? Did you have your rights handed over to someone else?”
“You’re acting as if I’m going to lock you up.” Robert squeezed her hand. “You know me better than that. I won’t prevent you from doing anything you want. I’m just going to take care of you.”
“What about the regulations? Besides the medication bullshit?”
You’ll get used to the combativeness. Maybe don’t think of it that way. Quirky. Yes, the only unpleasant side effect from a procedure that brought her back from the dead is that she’s quirky. No big deal.
“You can’t leave the state without approval. You can’t own or operate firearms. Hon, about the only thing that’ll impact you, is you aren’t eligible for employment, and you have to retake the driving test. Unless you want to be a world traveling gun salesman, it’ll be like before.”
“I can’t have a job?”
The lobby contained the same ugly splatter tile Natalie had been captivated by the day before. He studied it and considered how to answer her question without causing upset or inviting more negativity.
“You have to have an identity to be considered a person. Only people can have jobs,” she muttered for him.
Robert wasn’t necessarily unhappy that she wouldn’t be working. Before the accident, she’d been about to return to her teaching job after Michael, and he’d been planning to talk to her about not going back. She loved the art stuff, but their family was the first priority.
“I like the idea of you being at home.” He curled a piece of her hair behind her ear. “Especially after what happened, Simon needs you. And, Nat, nothing can replace Michael, but we could have another. You could dedicate yourself to being a mom.”
Having his family together and safe in one place – coming home to a cozy house full of children, laughter, and love – was not only ideal, but critical. Everything again within his control, and this entire CryoLife, reanimation, assimilation mess would be forgotten.
“Should I get you another blanket?” he asked when she shuddered. “The air is high in here. I can have them turn it off.”
“It’s fine.
”
Robert took off his jacket and tucked it around her shoulders. She resumed looking out the window, avoiding his eyes. Her features seemed to contract, as if she were trying to block out her surroundings, or keep them inside.
“Is something bothering you, Nat? What else is on your mind?”
The tightness in her face eased some, dialing back from the pained expression to one of just anxiety.
“They mentioned a deductible had to be paid. I can’t imagine it was cheap. If you’re still dealing with that, how will we get by without me working?”
Was that it? Had she been so worried about money? But it made sense in a way – family came first for Natalie, and she needed to know that she and Simon would still be taken care of.
You never need to doubt that, ever.
“I have everything handled. Don’t worry about it.”
“How much did you pay?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does. How much was it?” She gave him a sharp glance.
I guess this could make sense too. Robert smiled. They had so much in common, and vanity was on the short list of shameful qualities that drew them together. Without being spoken aloud, he knew they individually always felt they were better than other people. You want to know how much better, how much more valuable.
“Two million dollars.”
Her eyes grew wide and she gave no answer.
“I sold the house, my parents sold their house, and half the business. Plus the life insurance, damages from the accident, and a loan. I would’ve begged for it, I would’ve stolen it. For an amount a hundred times that. I would’ve done anything to get you back, Nat.”
When Natalie met his stare, her chin trembled, and Robert felt confused. Did she want it to be more? Should he have lied and said it was a higher amount?
“I’m not worth it, Robert.”
“You’re alive, and there isn’t a price that can be placed on that.”
His sacrifices past and future were well spent. Her every movement brought him pleasure. He watched her inhale, closing her eyes. The sun washed over her complexion and her hair shone like bundles of curling gold. CryoLife had returned her with the wear of life lifted. His perfect, perfect Natalie. It was a miracle.
Her voice quivered. “I’ll try to be deserving of your love, Robert.”
“That’s silly. It’s not about deserving, and you have nothing to prove.” He chuckled, though the professed indebtedness had a shiny feel to it.
“I have to prove to you I’m the same person. But I’m different. I feel different.”
“Nat, what we’ve been through is horrible. People change when things happen to them.” He smoothed his thumb under her eye, pushing her tears aside. “When I got that second call telling me it was no longer necessary to meet the ambulance at the hospital, I became a different person. Now I know how it is to lose everything, and I’m going to think about that second call for the rest of my life. I’ll never take you or Simon for granted again.”
“You never took them for granted.”
Robert wondered if Natalie felt he hadn’t appreciated her. Could this be where the trouble originated? Why had she said “them,” referring to the children? But how she felt before didn’t matter. Only the future was relevant. Still, he should’ve told her a higher price for the deductible.
“I always thought you’d be there. Until you weren’t. I don’t expect you to be the same. We’ll be closer and better people for this.”
He was hoping she’d give him a glowing smile – the one where she showed her teeth and her dark eyes gleamed. But his valiant convictions earned him only a slight curve of her mouth.
“You’re a good man, Robert. Too good.”
It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but he was sure that’d come eventually.
*
The next day, Robert decided he’d kept Simon from his mother long enough. But when he broached the idea of a visit, he was disappointed with Natalie’s reaction.
“Do you think that’s wise, Robert?”
“Don’t worry about those right wing nutjobs outside, hon. We’ll only use the east entrance through the hospital.”
“No, it’s this place. He’s a little boy.”
“Don’t tell him that.”
“But he is. I don’t think it’s a good idea. A little boy shouldn’t be in a place like this.”
“A little boy shouldn’t be without his mother for over a year. You have no idea how much he misses you.”
She didn’t, and not due to reluctance to tell her. Simon had only been discussed when Robert initiated it, and Natalie always changed the subject. He’d come to the conclusion that she avoided talking about their son because she missed him too much. She didn’t ask about Michael either.
When he’d walked into her room that morning, she’d held the family portrait from her side table. He stood in silence, watching her trace a finger around the image of herself. It’d been their last photo – she’d been pregnant with Michael.
Was she thinking about the empty crib he’d disassembled? Picturing the small clothes and toys? He’d wept over Michael’s blankets while he was packing them into a cardboard box, holding them to his face and breathing in the scent of the boy he’d barely known, but loved so much.
It occurred to Robert that no one had actually told Natalie that Michael was dead. Except for his side comment that their child wasn’t replaceable, but maybe she’d missed that. Again, not that she’d asked. Did she want to know anything? If he’d suffered? Or what happened to his body? Perhaps that was part of what continued to trouble her. He’d had the opportunity to work through his grief, but for her this was fresh.
“Hon, you know Michael’s gone, don’t you?” Robert had slid into his chair.
She set the portrait on her lap. Her eyes were bleary.
“Yes.” Natalie whispered.
“Do you want to know anything else?”
“No.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
After sitting in silence looking at the picture together, he’d mentioned Simon. And despite her protests, he’d worn her down.
“Don’t worry.” He kissed her forehead before leaving for the night. “He’ll forgive everything. He wants his mother back.”
*
“Mom, look who’s here to see you.” Robert opened the door and nudged Simon in.
Natalie smoothed her hair. The action made Robert smile – it was fast and even. They were working on her ability to walk, and the progress was amazing.
Only five more days. Five.
Shaking, Simon glanced up from his shoes. And when he saw her – complete and looking like she might’ve if they were at home and he’d interrupted her reading in bed – he dropped the flowers he’d been carrying. He rushed to his mother, and like he had in Robert’s dream, jumped into the bed. Straddling her waist, he hugged her neck, colliding with such momentum that she coughed.
Robert thought it must’ve been the shock of seeing him in general that caused Natalie’s hesitation to hold him. She glanced to Robert. When he nodded, she tentatively folded her arms around their son.
“Mom.” Simon leaned back and cupped his hands around her neck.
Again, Natalie looked to Robert, who shrugged and sat in his chair.
“Mom, where’s your scars? I saw the man in the white coat cut off your head.” He lifted her hair and tried to see around her neck. “How’d he sew it on again so you don’t have scars?”
“Maybe you only thought you saw that, Simon.” Natalie looked into his eyes.
“No, I did.”
“Then where are my scars? Remember when you fell on the sidewalk and cut your cheek? You have a scar from that, so how could I not have scars if my head had been cut off?”
Robert smiled. He saw the gears turning in Simon’s head as he considered the argument.
“But it was so real, Mom.”
“Sometimes dream
s can be very real.”
Simon pulled his legs to her side, and laced his arms around her neck. He hummed and curled his fingers in her hair. Natalie fidgeted and couldn’t find the right position to place her hands.
“I think someone brought a gift for you,” Robert said.
Simon sat up and pulled a small jar from his pocket. “You’ll like this, Mom!” He pressed it into her hand.
The jar contained leaves and gray insects balanced on the sides.
“I caught them yesterday in the park! They were under this big rock!” Simon held his arms open to indicate the massive size, before seizing her in a tight cuddle. “You’ll hunt bugs with me, won’t you? I’ll show you the rock in the park.”
Natalie passed the jar to Robert, and after another nonverbal prompt from him, she wrapped her arms around the boy.
“Yes, I will.” Her eyes went to Robert for reassurance.
“Dad said you weren’t coming home today, but you will tomorrow?”
Robert touched his shoulder. “Mom can come home in a few days.”
Simon straightened his back and pressed his lips close to Natalie’s ear to whisper. “You can come home before then. But home isn’t the same place anymore. It’s on Third Street on the first floor of the blue building.”
“Thank you, but your dad is right.” Her face pinched. “Don’t I need to be completely better to go bug hunting?”
“We could do other things. Or nothing. Can’t you be in bed at home like you are here? Dad said he’d protect us, but we have to be together.” He hugged her with a fierce grip. “Who protects you when he’s with me?”
“Didn’t you see those nurses? They wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” Natalie patted him on the head in a mechanical motion, her hand flat and stiff.
“They’re not Dad. Only Dad can protect you. And me. I can too.”
She chewed the corner of her lower lip and drew back in hesitation before speaking.
“I’m sorry, Simon. But you’re going to have to be patient.”
Robert expected him to launch into the uncontrollable weeping that accompanied the night terrors. Would he have to drag him out of the room? Have Brigman sedate him so he wouldn’t rip her apart when they tried to make him leave?
Assimilation Page 5