by Kim Holden
Impatient stands and speaks up. “I just changed the sheets on the bed. Go ahead and take this room. I can sleep on the sofa.”
Keller looks stricken, like he’s just been presented with something unimaginable. I need to make this better ASAP. “That's okay,” I say to Impatient. Then I grip Keller’s shoulder until he looks at me, really looks at me. I nod my head toward my door. “Come on, you can sleep in my room. I changed the sheets on my bed, too. I’d hate for that to go to waste. It’s like the first time all year I’ve done that.”
He almost smiles.
I look at Impatient, trying to smooth this over. “Why don’t you go grab Keller’s dad and put him in your room?”
She nods. She looks a little confused, a little embarrassed, and a lot concerned. She knows what she’s seeing isn’t normal.
Stella reaches out and takes Impatient’s hand. “I’ll go with you. Let's go get Papa.”
After Keller sets their suitcase on the floor next to my dresser, he turns to look at me and his expression is blank, like he’s trying to wipe away the sadness, but he can’t decide what emotion to replace it with. My heart aches for him. I know how hard it is to be here, in the presence of her ghost. I've dealt with it for months now. I’m learning to live with it. It takes time. And he hasn’t had to contend with proximity. And proximity’s just set him back months. I can see it happening. So I do the only thing can think to do. I hug him. And he hugs me back. It’s half-hearted at first, but soon enough I can feel his muscles tighten around me. The squeezing isn’t an embrace; it’s a release of emotion, a release of grief. I pat him on the back. “Sorry about that, dude. Scout doesn’t know what happened in that room. She didn’t mean anything by it.”
I feel him exhale, long and loud, before he releases me. He shakes his head to clear it. “No, I’m sorry, Gus. I thought I was ready to come here. That I’d be able to handle it.” He pauses and looks at the floor before he meets my eyes again. I know how much he loved her. He’s reliving all of it right now. He shakes his head again. “It’s just hard.” He searches my eyes for understanding.
I nod. “You don’t have to explain, dude. I know. It is hard.”
He smiles. “Thanks, man. Let’s go. Katie would want us to make the most of today.”
I laugh. “Bright Side fucking loved Thanksgiving. I hope you’re prepared to eat double portions of pumpkin pie just for her.”
He laughs and rubs his belly. “I think I can do that. I haven’t eaten anything since last night.”
The dinner table is full of food and people. Our Thanksgiving table is always a hodgepodge of misfits. And that’s not an insult; it’s just a fair assessment. Ma always invites people to join in on the festivities who don’t have anywhere else to go. Her generosity is legendary. It’s never the same faces from year to year, which is what makes it fun. You never know who you’re going to sit next to, or what the conversation is going to be like. Today’s table is twice as full as it normally is.
Keller and I take the two empty seats at the end of the table.
Ma’s standing at the other end, smiling at all of us. “We’re waiting on one more person, but he’s just called to say his flight’s been cancelled due to weather and he’s not going to make it, so we’ll go ahead and get started without him. I want to thank all of you for sharing your Thanksgiving with Gus and me. We are so blessed to have you here.” She raises her glass. “To good food and good company.” We all raise our glasses and echo her. She smiles. “Now eat up. Scout and I have been cooking all day, there’s a lot to eat. Don’t be shy.”
We do. We eat and we talk. The volume in the room is high with several conversations going on at once, but it’s comforting noise, rowdy with friendship and appreciation. As I look around the table, I’m struck by the odd pairings of people. Impatient’s sitting next to Doc Banks. They’re talking about New York. Pax, Keller, and Stella are talking to Mrs. Randolph and Francine about seagulls, and about how much Mrs. Randolph loves watching them fly over the ocean. Ma catches my eye and smiles, then winks at me. She raises her glass of wine to me. I raise mine in return.
“Happy Thanksgiving. I love you,” I mouth the words.
She mouths the same back to me.
Looking around I think to myself that life isn’t perfect. If it was, Bright Side and Gracie would be sitting here with us. But I know that’s not possible. And for the first time, I realize that I finally know why Bright Side used to always say she didn’t have any regrets. Because she lived in the moment. She didn’t live in the past. She didn’t give herself a chance to regret anything because she went out and made the most of what she had, even if it wasn’t much. She never saw the negative, which so often pervaded her life. She looked for that one sliver of positivity and she blew it up until it was all she could see. Until it forced out everything bad. Right now, sitting here, I miss her. I’ll always miss her. But I miss her in a different way today. In a way that makes me smile at the memory of her. I glance at my arm, at my new tattoo, and the words sink in. There’s something epic that happens every day if you look hard enough for it. And every day is a chance to go out there and do epic. The key is putting forth the effort. She did. Every fucking day she did. We all should. Is it harder? Hell yeah. It’s much easier to complain … or self-destruct … or do nothing at all. But where’s the magic in that? It’s like Mrs. Randolph said, urging me to find my fire again. Mrs. R. and Bright Side would’ve been best friends, I’m sure of it.
As I look at everyone at this table I think, they all have their own shit, their own problems, just like me. But look how happy they all are, because they’re living in the moment. It’s fucking beautiful. This is what it’s all about. Friends and family. And I have the best around.
Friday, December 1
(Gus)
Keller and I are sitting in lawn chairs on the beach watching Stella play in the sand with Impatient and Pax. The sun’s bright overhead, but there’s a light breeze that puts a chill in the air.
“How are you gonna get Stella clean, dude? She’s wearing a good three buckets of sand. And that’s just in her hair.” We’ve been outside for the past three hours and she’s having the time of her life. Keller and I just tapped out of the sandcastle making marathon to sit down and rest when Impatient and Pax came out to play with her.
He’s shaking his head. “I have no idea. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when it’s time to go inside. Maybe I’ll take her out in the water with her clothes on and hope it all washes away. Or I’ll hold her upside down by the ankles and let gravity do the work.” He’s smiling by the time he’s done talking, because he can’t do anything else when it comes to Stella. She has him, and everyone else, under a spell.
“So, what’s up with your family? Your parents got divorced, huh?”
He nods slowly like he’s still trying to process what happened. “Yeah, it was a little crazy. My father filed for divorce and moved out of their place last year just before Christmas. I didn’t find out until after Katie’s funeral. With my mother being a lawyer,” he pauses, “and, well, being my mother, the whole thing was pretty contentious. It dragged on for months.” He lifts a brow and glances at me. “She’s the type of person who always has to be right and get the last word, you know? So it was brutal for my father. He just wanted out. Just wanted to walk away, even if it was only with the clothes on his back. She wanted to fight, because that’s what she does best.”
“It was ugly, huh?” Dude, I feel bad for them. I’ve never understood how you could grow to hate someone you once loved. And to hate them to the point that you want to hurt them, break them.
“Ugly doesn’t begin to describe it. He had a good lawyer though. She got the house, but he ended up with enough money to be comfortable.”
“That sucks, dude. I'm sorry.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry. It was a blessing in disguise. My father always lived under the shadow of my mother. I never really had a relationship with him because of it.
Since they’ve split, he’s a different person. He’s the father I always wanted and needed. It sucks that he had to go through it all, but in the end, it’s the best thing he’s ever done. He’s finally happy. You have no idea what it’s like to watch a middle-aged man come into his own. It’s actually pretty damn inspiring.”
“So where does he live now?”
“He rents a small studio apartment a few blocks from the hospital in Chicago. It’s practical, simple. He can walk to work. He loves it.”
“That’s great. He’s a good guy. I’m sorry I didn’t meet him when he came out for Bright Side’s funeral. I was a little … out of it.”
“No worries. We all were. Him coming to Katie’s funeral was kind of a turning point for him. His life really started turning around that weekend. He and I grew closer. He met Audrey. Their friendship has really helped him survive the worst of this past year. You have a great mom, Gus.”
“The best. You know, I never knew Ma was talking to your dad, that they were friends, until yesterday. I know I was gone most of the year on tour, but she never mentioned him. And watching the two of them yesterday, it was like they were BFFs. It was kinda cool.”
“I know they talk on the phone a lot. They’re good for each other.”
“So, what else is going on? How are Bright Side’s friends? You ever see the dudes that lived across the hall from her in the dorms? Clayton and the gimp? I can’t remember his name.”
He looks at me and laughs. “The gimp?”
And now I’m laughing with him. “Bright Side and I used to joke that he was into kinky sex, role-playing and bondage and shit.”
And now he’s laughing harder. “Oh my God, no. I think Pete’s still a virgin and will be until after he’s married. And then it will be strictly missionary, once a month. The guy is super reserved. Nothing wrong with that, but there’s no way in hell he’s into kink.” He shakes his head and he’s still smiling. “No. Way.”
“You ever see him?” I ask.
“Yeah, I see him and his girlfriend every once in a while. They come in for coffee at Grounds every couple of weeks. He’s a good guy. He took Katie’s death pretty hard. He couldn’t even say her name for months.”
“And what about Clayton?” Clayton was an interesting dude. Quirky, just like Bright Side. I liked him.
“Clayton’s good. He lives in L.A. with his boyfriend now. He’s going to UCLA and waiting tables at some high-end restaurant in West Hollywood. I talk to him every couple weeks. He loves it there. I know he really struggled at Grant. I’m glad he found someplace he feels at home. Someplace he feels like he can finally be himself.”
I know Bright Side always worried about him, so this is good to hear.
“Daddy, I found a sand dollar!” Stella yells, as she runs toward Keller.
He takes it from her with a smile on his face. “Awesome, baby girl. We’ll take it home and put it in your room on your special shelf.”
Her smile is the purest thing I’ve seen in a long time. “Okay, Daddy.” And just as quickly, she’s off to rejoin Pax and Impatient at the sandcastle.
“What about her roommate? Sugar, right? You ever hear anything about her?”
Keller nods. “Yup. Sugar.” I think he’s going to stop there, but then he continues. “You know she was always kind of a twat to Katie?”
“I know she had the name, reputation, and build of a stripper, but I didn’t know she was a bitch. I knew she and Bright Side weren’t pals, but—”
“She was a bitch,” Keller interrupts. “But something happened between them that semester. I don’t know what it was, but not long before Katie left to come back here last December they were getting along. I wouldn’t say they were the best of friends exactly, but they talked. It was almost like Sugar finally realized she had access to this amazing person in her life and wanted guidance or something.” He shakes his head, like he’s still puzzled by it. “I don’t know; it was bizarre. Good, but bizarre. And I guess Katie didn’t tell her she was sick. She just told her she was moving back home to San Diego. Sugar came into Grounds in tears one morning about two weeks into spring semester when we’d all gone back to classes. She said she’d heard someone talking about her and wanted to know if it was true. When I confirmed, the girl sobbed. It was a full-blown ugly cry. That was rough.”
“Do you ever see her around?” I ask.
“I see her around from time to time. She comes in for coffee with friends sometimes. I’m not friends with her, but you can see a visible change. She dresses differently, which is a good thing. There’s a little more left to the imagination now. She doesn’t look like a walking sex ad. Her hair is brown now instead of blond. I’m guessing it’s her natural color. I don’t know; she just seems like one of those people that kinda woke up. Sometimes it takes a big punch in the face to do that. I think she had a few back-to-back punches.”
Bright Side would be smiling now, listening to this. “How about Duncan and Shelly? They good?”
“They’re great. They both graduated last spring. Dunc got a really good government job. He works at the capital in Minneapolis, some kind of aide or assistant to someone important. I’m not sure what his title is, but he loves it. He wants to run for public office someday, so he’s getting his feet wet and seeing how it all works. And Shel is still working at her mom’s flower shop. She’s pretty much taken it over and her mom is semi-retired now. And she also started teaching piano lessons. Most of her clients are kids. They’re testing her patience, that’s a good thing.” He smiles. “Shel didn’t have the easiest life growing up, you know. She was sexually abused for years. An uncle. It was sick and messed up. Dunc’s helped her so much, but meeting Katie really changed her life. She’s been in counseling for over a year now. She’s in a good place. I’m proud of her. And they help me out with Stella a lot. I bartend on Friday nights and they take her and she spends the night with them. She loves it. And they love it. I’m lucky to have them.”
I can’t imagine what his life is like, trying to juggle school, work, and raising a daughter. “I don’t know how you do it, dude. You must be spent.”
He laughs and his voice sounds tired, but happy, fulfilled. “I’m tired and I’m busy, that’s for sure. But, honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Stella is my life. She’s the reason I get up in the morning and do what I do. And my classes, even work … it all helps me cope with losing Katie, you know? Especially the first few months she was gone. Any idle moment I had, I found myself drowning in despair.” He pauses and runs his hand through his hair while he’s thinking. “God, she would’ve hated that. She taught me so many things, but being brave enough to go out there and live life to the fullest, and to love with your whole heart—that’s what she was all about. So, that’s what I try to do every day to honor her memory. That, and be spontaneous every once in and a while.” He smiles. “I don’t know why, but it makes me feel a little more powerful when I do it.”
I have to laugh at his honesty. “You’re a rebel, dude,” I say.
He laughs with me. “I know. I’m a badass.”
“That you are, my friend. That you are.” He is—a badass dad and a badass friend.
Sunday, December 3
(Gus)
I hear a timid knock at my bedroom door. It’s the knock of a person who didn’t want to knock in the first place, or doesn’t want the person inside to answer.
It’s nine o’clock in the morning. I’m awake, but I’m still in bed. “Come in!” I yell.
The door pushes open slowly, and Pax’s head pokes through. “Hey, Gus. Good morning.”
“Buenos dias. What’s up?” I wave him in because he’s still standing outside with only his head peeking through the opening.
He pushes the door open, but asks, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” before he steps in.
“Of course.”
He wastes no time shutting the door behind him and sits on the corner of my bed. He looks nervous. I haven’t seen him like th
is in weeks.
“Dude. Spill. What’s goin’ on?” His nerves are making me nervous.
His eyes are cast away from me and his cheeks are reddening at an alarming rate. “I have a date with Mason,” he blurts. Then he releases a long breath. He’s trying to calm himself down, and I kinda fear he may start hyperventilating.
I clap my hands to cheer him on. “Well done, dude. Well. Done.”
He finally looks at me and smiles, but his eyes are panicky. “We’ve been talking a lot at school lately, and I asked her for her number on Friday. I called her last night. I asked her if she wanted to go out with me today, and she said yes.”
I’m smiling now. “Right on. So, what’s the problem?” There’s definitely an issue or he wouldn’t be in here.
He takes a deep breath and the panic returns to his eyes. “What am I supposed to do now? I’ve never been out with a girl.”
“Seriously?” I knew he didn’t have a lot of experience with girls but he’s almost eighteen years old, I figured he’d been around the block a time or two.
“Yeah. Never,” he confirms.
“Well dude, I’ve never really been a dating type of guy, but why don’t you take her out to lunch, or the movies, or the beach. There are tons of options.”
“We have to do something we can walk to. Her car is in the shop I guess and well, I don’t have one, so—”
I interrupt him. “So take my truck. I don’t need to go anywhere today.”
His eyes widen. “Really? You’d let me take the shit wagon?”
“Sure. You have a license, right?”
He nods quickly, mouth still gaping.
“She’s yours. Be good to her, though. She’s not much, but I love her.”
He’s still nodding, he hasn’t stopped. “I will. I have to pick up Mason at noon. I’ll be home by five.”