by Kata Čuić
I know what Evie would say.
She already has.
I can’t be your reason for existing.
Only…she is.
But, I’ll never admit that.
She’s right. It’s too much unfair pressure on her.
Evie’s eyes widen. She leans to the side, glancing past me for who knows what before straightening, her mouth opening and closing several times. “Rob?”
Maybe I’ve made a misstep.
I’ve undoubtedly invaded patient/doctor confidentiality by being here, even if only in the waiting room. Evie never told me she was seeing Cathy while visiting Ironville. Byers told me that.
I’d love nothing more than to wrap her in my arms and tell her I’m so fucking proud of her for taking this first step.
But, that would be demeaning.
It isn’t my pride she should be striving for.
It’s her own.
I can’t be her reason for existing, either.
In an effort to play down my own sharp emotions, I glance down, patting my chest as if looking for something. “I think so? I was still Rob the last time I checked, anyway.”
Evie finally recovers, striding to stand in front of me, just out of arm’s reach. “How are you here? I just saw your interview an hour ago.”
It takes me a few heartbeats, all too aware we have an audience, to figure out what she’s talking about. “Oh, that was actually yesterday. They must’ve aired it today instead of live coverage. You’re not exactly in the Rushers’ main media area.”
My resolve to no longer keep Evie a secret crumbles before my eyes.
I can’t get a read on how she feels about me sharing our marriage publicly.
She obviously knows about it, though.
“Rob.” Cathy extends her hand, jostling me from my anxious spiral. “It’s so good to see you. How are you doing?”
Her question is meant as a pleasantry and nothing more. Cathy takes her practice very seriously, and even in front of my wife, wouldn’t ask me anything beyond face value.
“Well.” I nod, trying to will myself to feel the words I’m speaking. “I’m doing well, thanks for asking. How are you?”
“I’m well also.” Her smile seems like a memory, pleasant but best relegated to the past. “How do you like California?”
“It’s new; different.” It’s not home.
Home is standing before me, not making eye contact.
Although, if I was in trouble for what I said during that interview, she’d let me have it, not avoid me. Audience be damned.
“Well, I have another appointment to prepare for.” Cathy seems to produce a business card out of thin air, thrusting it toward me. “If there is ever anything else I can do for you, distance doesn’t have to be a hindrance.”
I may very well take her up on that offer.
I’m trying my best, but the woman in front of me is worth every fight I can muster in the next six months, and I’d be a fool not to admit I’ll need all the help I can get.
“Thank you.” I hope Cathy can detect my sincerity.
Awkwardness multiplies between Evie and me after Cathy retreats to her office.
“I didn’t mean to invade your privacy,” I hedge. “It’s just…it’s been three weeks and I miss you.”
Evie wraps her arms around herself.
Oh, shit. I know what that means.
“Too embarrassed to be seen with me outside of this office? Or at our family’s homes?”
Nope. “I’ll take you home right now, if you’ll let me.”
Evie’s eyes fly to mine. “I’m not sure you know what you’re getting yourself into.”
Me, neither.
But for my wife?
I’ll take the hard road.
It’s a trap.
Judging by Evie’s stiff posture at my side, it’s not one she was expecting, either.
“Tini, what are you doing home?” My wife recovers quickly, walking into the living room to hug her sister and place a kiss on her cheek. “I thought you were staying on campus this summer to work?”
“I just stopped in for a visit since you’re home for a while, too.” The smile on Tini’s face makes me sweat.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m jealous Evie’s sister has gotten more action than I have since I arrived in town.
It isn’t her presence at her mother’s house that has me worried, though.
“Mom, why are you here?” I mimic Evie’s greeting, wrapping my mom in a hug that’s long overdue.
She pats me on the cheek. A little harsher than necessary. “What? I can’t visit my friend, Diana? I think the real question is what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in Sacramento?”
I haven’t seen my mom in months. Being caught sneaking into Ironville without letting her know feels a million times worse than filching cookies from the kitchen when I was a kid.
She busted her ass to sneak away to some of my games and to visit me without Dad’s knowledge, and I repaid her by banning her from my condo, then making a trip home without making plans to see her.
It seems I have more than one woman to make amends with.
“Camp finished up yesterday. Our first preseason game isn’t until next week. I have a few days free.”
“Oh, and your first stop was here? Imagine that.” The knowing gleam in her eyes speaks volumes.
Shit. She knows.
I don’t know how she knows, but she knows.
Of course, she does, though.
Mom watches all my interviews. I blatantly told the whole world I’ve been married for almost two years.
Who the hell else would Mom assume I’m married to?
Just because Evie and I told our families we split amicably and went our separate ways doesn’t mean our moms didn’t put their heads together to question our flimsy stories.
My heart rate spikes and a fine sheen of sweat breaks out on my skin.
I really did not think this plan through to completion.
I was so worried about what Evie thinks, I completely forgot what our families might think.
Annnnnnd, now Evie’s behavior at Cathy’s office makes a whole lot more sense.
I’m in so deep, there’s no way out.
Maybe it’s time for a huddle before this play gets really out of control. “Uh, Evie? Can I speak with you for a minute? In the kitchen?”
Evie follows me without any argument, but so do everyone else’s eyes.
Once we’re safely in the other room, I round on Evie so fast she nearly falls to the floor. Quick reflexes keep her upright and then hauled into my chest where I can hiss at her more quietly without the potential for anyone to hear me. “Fear: they’re going to castrate me and then we definitely won’t be having any kids.”
Evie rolls her eyes, but pushes out of my grasp. “Want and don’t want?”
Her arms-crossed-over-her-chest posture has me practically gasping for air. The hits are coming at me from all sides, and I’m defenseless.
“I want to know why you’re being so calm about this. And I don’t want you to deflect the question.”
“She thinks she’s so subtle with her subversive suggestions,” Evie mumbles under her breath before clearing her throat. “I’m not supposed to be taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions anymore. Apparently, my newest therapy goal is learning to be more selfish.”
I…have no idea how to respond to that.
Evie tips her head to the side, seeming to think something over. “Of course, she also suggested I buy a sex toy and masturbate, so I’m not really inclined to take her advice seriously.”
My own spit nearly chokes me. I’m definitely taking that suggestion seriously.
I shake my head to physically snap myself out of the mental images piling up in my brain. Hopefully, there will be plenty of time for that later. Right now, we need a game plan. “I changed my mind about wants and don’t wants.”
Evie raises an eyebrow in question, b
ut not a single word falls from her not-kissed lips.
“I don’t want to undo any progress you’ve made with Cathy, so I want you to tell me how you want to address this situation. I should’ve asked you first before publicly saying anything, but I didn’t want you thinking for a second longer you’re my dirty little secret.”
Evie sighs, then drops her arms to her sides. It’s a slight opening, but I’ll take anything I can get at this point. “I think we should confess. If they haven’t figured it out already, it’s only a matter of time. They’ll be more hurt by our lies than anything else. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be in the end.”
Okay, okay. That makes complete sense. Besides, once we explain our reasons, they’ll forgive us, right? I was only doing exactly what Papou asked of me—looking out for Evie’s best interests. They can’t cut off my balls for that, can they?
Evie should be the one to deliver the news. If she wants to throw me under the bus, she’s damn well earned the chance to watch me sweat. “You’ve got the ball, Mrs. Falls. I’ll follow your lead.”
“Oh, sure.” Evie throws her arms up in the air. “Make me the messenger, even though this was all your stupid idea!”
“Keep your voice down,” I whisper. Clearly, my idea is every bit as ridiculous as Cathy’s in Evie’s mind, even though we’re both just trying to give her a sense of power and control over her own life. “If you want me to tell them, then I will.”
And they’ll make Evie a widow.
Great idea, Falls. Keep picking winners, here.
I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and focus. Channeling my inner quarterback is the only thing that’s going to save my ass. Not even Pops would have any useful guidance about this mess.
“Tell you what.” After regaining my ground, I take Evie’s hands in mine. “Let’s try something new.”
“I think I’ve had my fill of new things to try for today.” She actually grimaces at the mere thought, even though I haven’t mentioned anything yet.
“We’re husband and wife. How about if we act like it? We’ll do this together. As a team.”
She rubs her fingers over my wedding band with a thoughtful expression on her face. “That is a novel idea. How much are we going to tell them?”
“What do you mean?”
She meets my gaze without wavering, unlike earlier. “I mean, more has happened between us in the past few years than just a secret marriage. Are we spilling everything?”
Are we telling them we cheated on each other and didn’t go our separate ways on anything near good terms?
“If you want to tell them everything…” I take another deep breath. “I understand. I’ll take what’s coming to me.”
“And what do you think is coming to you?” Evie sounds almost breathless, pained.
“Whatever I deserve.”
Which is a hell of a lot worse than I’ve been given; second chances like Evie’s offered me shouldn’t happen to guys who have messed up as badly as I have.
I can’t stand it anymore.
Hauling her in by the shoulders, I kiss her with all the messy emotions tumbling through me, trying to make up for weeks of absence in just a few heartbeats.
She tastes like every reason to face the music.
I don’t want to pull away, but it’s time. “Okay. You ready?”
She doesn’t answer, looking dazed enough to make pride replace the anxiety in my chest.
I grab her hand and lead her toward the firing squad, but I don’t get through the doorway before she pulls back on my arm.
“Rob, wait. Before we do this, there’s something I need to tell you.”
By the anguish written all over her face, this is more than cold feet. “What’s wrong?”
“I just,” her breath escapes in little puffs before she pulls her hand from mine. “Before we tell them you need to know everything. If you have any regrets or change your mind, we don’t have to do this.”
What the hell could she possibly say to make me change my mind about being her husband?
Nothing.
That’s what.
A tumble of words escapes her slightly swollen lips in the blink of an eye. “I don’t think this is what Cathy meant by being selfish and not taking responsibility for others’ feelings, but you need to know. I can’t hold this in anymore. Not now. Not with so much on the line.”
“Baby.” I cup her face in my hands. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. Just say what it is you need to tell me.”
She steps out of my hold. Her previous panic bleeds out, and terror seizes my heart as an almost icy glaze distances her gaze. “Do you remember the Wives’ Club initiation? When they made us strip to our underwear and judged us? The night they drugged all the rookies, so you couldn’t stop them from hazing us?”
I don’t like where this is going.
“You told me about it, but I still don’t remember anything from that night for myself.” It’s strange how two completely unrelated incidents can be so similar. I empathize so much more now with Evie’s lack of memory from the assault.
“The girlfriends weren’t the only ones hazed that night.”
“Yeah. I know. They drugged us.”
“That wasn’t the worst of what happened.” Evie lifts her still blank eyes to mine, seeming to need to detach herself from what she’s saying. She’s delivering every word in a robotic way. “You were raped that night while I was forced to watch. And I did nothing to stop it.”
“What?”
Does not compute.
The floodgates open and Evie spills everything she’s been hiding for five long years, leaving no detail unearthed.
As the weight of the truth hits me, the floor seems to tilt beneath my feet. There’s no chair nearby, so I brace myself against the wall for support.
A million thoughts invade my mind. Every moment Evie and I spent together from that night takes on new and different meaning.
That first night in the dorm room I shared with Alex when she cried because I came for her.
Her almost obsessive need to follow that damn Wives’ Bible to the letter, to change the culture of the group. To protect the women who came after her.
The deep hurt she felt when they kicked her out, which I couldn’t understand.
Evie using sex as a reason to push me into another woman’s bed.
Oh, God.
Nausea swirls in my stomach.
She had herself convinced I’d already betrayed her once.
Even though I had no idea what was happening, I did.
But, not by choice.
Not like the second time.
“Evie…” I’m not sure what to say.
She shakes her head, snapping out of her trance and slapping a hand over her mouth.
For every step I advance on her, she retreats.
“I-I should have spoken up. I should have stopped it. Not only for you, for all the rookies.”
“You couldn’t have stopped it. You were one scared woman in a room full of predators. There’s nothing you could have done differently.”
I would know. Jamal and his henchman never involved other women, but they violated us every chance they got throughout camp. Dad spent years preparing me for the types of hazing he’d been through himself and all the stories he heard as an agent. He left no question in my mind the only option was to take whatever they dished out like a man and keep quiet.
Nothing comes before football.
I’ve never thought about it as assault, but maybe that’s because I just didn’t want to accept the facts. From Evie’s perspective, it can’t be labeled as anything else.
If she thinks she was complicit in a crime, how much guiltier am I?
Real men don’t suffer abuse or let anyone else suffer it in their presence.
“I should have tried,” she chokes out. “I didn’t even try. You fought for me. When the tables were turned, all I could do was cry. Even though I knew it was wrong, all I could focus o
n was you coming for someone else.”
Wedding vows or not, no wonder we ended up where we did.
Evie’s been carrying this burden, more insecurity, all alone for years.
No more.
We might have made promises to each other in a JP’s office instead of in a Church, but that doesn’t lessen their importance.
I pull her into my arms, wishing it could always be this way. Anyone who wishes this woman harm would have to go through me, first.
“How can you even touch me?” she cries. “After what I did to you?”
“For richer or poorer, in sickness and health, in good times and bad, until death do us part,” I murmur into her hair. “We’ve done a lot of things to each other over the years, baby, but anything that happened that night wasn’t part of it. Those were things other people did to us. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to give them any more power over us.”
By the end of freshman year, only Evie and Harper were still with their players.
Evie didn’t let them break us then, they’re not gonna do it now.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
“Come on. Let’s go tell our moms there’s another Mrs. Falls.”
“How’s everyone at home?” Rob never looks up from his iPad, studying plays for this weekend’s pre-season game.
I curl my legs beneath me to sit on the couch beside him as I place my cell phone on the coffee table. “Good. They miss us already, and want to know if we’ll be coming home during your bye week.”
Rob frowns. “I can’t get away at all during the season, but you can go home anytime you want. We can fly them here, too.”
This conversation is so surreal.
A week ago, no one except Mike and Alex knew about our marriage. Being able to talk openly about anything to my family is almost a foreign experience. I’ve been hiding so much for so long.
Phone calls are going to be way more relaxing from now on.
“I still can’t believe they knew.”
Rob breaks his concentration to grin at me. “I’m not actually all that surprised. They’re our moms. And we’re more transparent than we think we are.”
Touché. I’ll give him that. Even Alyssa constantly called me out on failing miserably at pretending not to be torn up over this man. “Are you surprised they had a bet going about it, at least?”