by M. J. Rose
Reaching out, ZaZa put her hands on top of Tania’s, which were already playing between her thighs, and encouraged her partner to rub her harder and faster.
Then she placed her own hands between Tania’s thighs. She knew the other woman wouldn’t mind the change in the routine, and would be happy to oblige.
ZaZa put one oiled finger inside of Tania. Tania put one oiled finger inside of ZaZa. Two women mimicking each other’s movements.
Twenty-Eight
When I came, it was sharp and intense and hard-won. Noah had been waiting for it, holding back until he felt my body stiffen, and then he let go, moaning into my ear. The same ear he had been gently and patiently whispering into—a breeze of words that had, in the end, been the same mantra that urged me into an orgasm.
When he rolled off me he didn’t disengage completely, but left our sides touching and our legs crossed. Once he’d caught his breath, he reached out and played with my hair.
“I can’t stop,” he said. “I’m exhausted but I can’t keep my hands off you.”
“I’m flattered.” I kissed him lightly on his lips.
After I pulled away, I saw him open his mouth and then shut it, as if he had been about to say something and changed his mind. Sometimes I wished I wasn’t so damn observant. I didn’t want to be an expert at sensing and noticing and understanding other people’s emotional states when I was involved. I closed my eyes.
“I’m not going to give up on you, you know,” he said.
“What does that mean?”
“You don’t know?”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I have no idea.” And I didn’t. His words had caught me by surprise.
“Are you as afraid of us as you seem to be?”
“You know, Detective Jordain, it’s not in the slightest bit sexy for you to lie here and psychoanalyze me.”
“Au contraire, my dear. It’s utterly sexy. Two of us, naked and glistening with lovemaking, and me figuring out your very complicated brain. There’s nothing I’d rather be doing.”
I laughed. He leaned over and kissed me. Not a light and teasing kiss as mine had been a minute before, but a long kiss, with his lips pressed tight against mine, letting it last and linger, taking my breath away. He knew that, too.
“You’re completely relaxed now, aren’t you?”
“Hmm.”
“Good. Just lie there now. There’s more I want to do to you.”
With his hands on me, the way he was holding me, I couldn’t have thought about anything else if I’d wanted to.
Twenty-Nine
Tania was gasping for breath and ZaZa smiled at the intensity of the orgasm she’d given her, increasing the pressure of her fingers on Tania’s clitoris. She wasn’t going to stop. As soon as her partner’s breathing slowed and her orgasm ended she was going to start on her again, and then again. She was going to amaze her. And then, later, when the camera was off, she was going to tell Tania how she really felt about her.
Focusing, listening to the other woman’s breathing, ZaZa waited to hear the intensity slow down. Damn, this was lasting a long time. She waited. Still there was no slowing down. Something was wrong.
Maybe Tania wasn’t gasping in the throes of an orgasm. Maybe she was gulping for air.
“What is it?” ZaZa whispered, not wanting to break the mood for all the men who were watching, but concerned about her friend.
When Tania slumped over and continued the rasping, ZaZa really began to worry. Clearly this was not a sexually-induced reaction, but before she could do anything, she felt the first wave of nausea overtake her. It hit her hard. Failing to hold it back, she vomited uncontrollably, right there on her own bed. Her head suddenly ached, too. Bad. She couldn’t breathe. Christ. Everything was blurry, confusing. She tried to say something. To tell Tania she was sick, too, but she was so dizzy. She could see Tania at the end of the bed, curled up in a ball, shaking, and she wanted to reach out to her, but she couldn’t figure out how to move in that direction. Nothing was where it should be, everything was skewed.
“I’m really sick,” Tania whispered.
ZaZa couldn’t even answer. She just stared at her with eyes that felt as if they were on fire.
“You’re sick, too,” Tania said. She tried to get up but couldn’t find her balance.
ZaZa was willing her to get up. She had never felt so bad in her life. She needed some water. Some air. She needed to be able to breathe. More than water, she needed help. Tania needed help, too. ZaZa could see that.
Finally, using the back of a chair and then the edge of a table, Tania managed to make it to the desk where the computer was. Where the phone was.
ZaZa tried to talk, to tell her to tell them to hurry, but all that came out was a low and raspy moan. She couldn’t form the words, but she could still see what was happening.
She watched Tania pick up the phone. She was so sick, but she was thinking about how at that moment, Tania had broken the computer connection and ZaZa’s broadcast had gone dead in thousands of homes, hotel rooms and offices. She’d also tipped over a glass of wine that spilled onto the keyboard and shorted out the motherboard. One way or another, that Web cast was fated to go dark.
Right before ZaZa passed out, she saw Tania manage to dial 911.
Sunday
Twelve days remaining
Thirty
The phone rang, jarring me awake. I could barely open my eyes, and I reached for my cell phone where I always left it when I was away from my daughter, on the bedside table. But before I could find it—while I was still groping in the dark— I heard Noah talking. It was his phone.
I lay there listening to the one-sided conversation, unable to fill in the gaps but making wild guesses at what was going on.
“What time?”
Pause.
“What hospital?”
Pause.
“How are they?”
Pause.
“Which one?” One last pause. “Okay. I’ll be there in a few hours. I can turn around and fly back here for Monday.”
I heard the click as he shut the phone and the thud as he put it back on his nightstand. As he lay back, his breath was rapid and his body was tense.
“Noah? What happened?”
“Did you hear that? I’m sorry it woke you.”
“No, it’s fine. What is it, though? What happened?”
“Looks like another poisoning.”
I sat up in bed and leaned on my elbow. In the ambient early morning light, I could see that Noah’s features were drawn.
“I’m going to have to go back to New York this morning,” he said.
“I’ll come with you.”
“You know, you could stay. Your ticket isn’t until tonight and there’s a lot that—”
“No, I don’t want to be here without you. We can come back and you can show me the rest of your city. Tell me about the woman. Is she dead?”
“Women. There were two of them. One has a chance, the other…they don’t think so.”
“What happened?”
“Crazy. This is so crazy.” He rubbed his eyes and ran his hand through his tousled hair.
“Christ, I’m sorry, Morgan. We finally have a whole weekend together and now this.”
“It’s okay, just tell me what happened.”
“Men watching the Web cast saw them getting sick and started calling it in…dozens of them…just like the last time… it might have taken forever to find them again but one of the women managed to call 911 before she passed out. The ambulance got there in four minutes.”
He rubbed his eyes again.
“Would you like me to order up some coffee? It’s already six o’clock. The menu said room service started an hour ago.”
“Yes, coffee. And food, too. I’ll call the airlines and try to get us out of here.” He picked up his cell but just stared at it. “Two women. One’s twenty-two, the other one is twenty-three. And God knows how many men, just watching it happen.
”
Thirty-One
Dearest,
Two more candles burning makes three lights altogether, and tonight the smell of the wick is just a little bitter and the scent of the wax is just a little sweet. I pass my finger over the flame, feel the heat, and it shocks me. That I can feel anything shocks me. The women with their naked arms and legs, with their hungry eyes and mouths, they felt heat and passion and pain and they felt sick. And I watched them, even smiling while I watched them, and was someone unfamiliar to myself. I was a stranger in my own skin. They burned with pasted-on passion, but my passion was real, it is a need even I can tell is desperate, a need for revenge that has entered into the cracks of my psyche like some slippery ooze, filling, then expanding, turning those cracks into ever-widening chasms.
I had room for no one but you. Why didn’t you understand that? I had love for no one but you. I’m talking about real love, of course, and I do know what real love is. I would slit my own throat and drown in my own blood to prove to you how real that love is. How could you not know that?
The secret of what happened to you has turned me into someone that you would not recognize. Inside of me, where I loved people—you most of all—and cared about what happened to them, I am now hollow.
Three of them have been punished and there are only two left. Are my efforts, working like sandpaper and rub, rub, rubbing at my skin, getting past the top surface, to the muscle, to the bone, to the deep center where I used to be, doing any good?
I have found the edges of my mind and I have touched the corners of my own hell. It is a small room, and on every wall there are mirrors, but when I look into them, I do not see myself reflected back, but you.
I never saw myself in your eyes staring back at me, but now I see your eyes, accusing me.
You were wrong, you know, you didn’t understand—you were all I had and all I ever wanted.
One woman died last night and the other lingers on in a hospital, in critical condition, according to the news. I watched them touching each other. Slathering on massage oil—oil I had sent them—acting out their disgusting scenario for the hundreds of thousands of hungry eyes. I watched them touch each other with sure fingers, not for the sensations it gave them but for the titillation they gave others.
You wrote that I didn’t know how to love, that it wasn’t you I loved, but some idea of you. How could you ever think that? I would cut my hands off at the wrists and my feet off at the ankles to tell you how much I loved you.
Last night I proved it again. I watched and then I held my breath, and they vomited and flushed bright red and broke out in sweats and fell to the floor. This, I whispered to the computer screen, this is what you get for doing what you do. This, I whispered, as the blond one crawled on the floor to reach for the phone, trying to save her own life, mocking our lives, mocking what happened to our lives, this I do for you.
Monday
Eleven days remaining
Thirty-Two
Bob was on time for his appointment but he looked even more tired than he had the week before. He lay down on the couch and flexed and unflexed his fingers. While I waited for him to start speaking, I drank some of the bitter, lukewarm coffee in my mug.
The coffee had been so much better in New Orleans.
The sun broke through the clouds, and for a few seconds my office was filled with light. Maybe the snow outside would start to melt. New York City had gone for more than a week without a single full hour of sunlight.
New Orleans seemed very far away.
“My wife has been using my computer again,” Bob said. “She’s been snooping around and going to all the sites I visit.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“Of course not. She forgot to erase the cache of where she’d been while I was at work. Her whole little trip was right there for me to see. She left tracks.”
“Did you confront her?”
“I didn’t have a chance. She confronted me. You know I’ve been unfaithful to her in the past. I had a few affairs over the years. It seemed to me that this was so much more acceptable. So much safer. Less threatening. I don’t know these women. Don’t talk to them. They just stimulate me. And they’re there whenever I want them. Beautiful, sexy women who don’t want anything from me.”
“Nothing?”
He looked at me. “What do they want from me?”
“You can’t think of anything?”
“No.”
“What do you give them?”
“Nothing. They aren’t real.”
“Bob, they are real.”
“I just meant that they aren’t actually interacting with me. We don’t have a relationship. They are anonymous to me, I to them. I pay them to—” He broke off.
“Go on.”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. What was I saying?”
“Bob, what do they want from you?”
He laughed bitterly. “Better my money than what women usually want.”
He’d gotten there. Good.
“What do they usually want?”
“They want to get inside your head. They want to own you. And to be the only woman that you think about. As if there could ever be only one woman that I think about.”
“But there’s a difference between thinking about someone and acting out your sexual urges, isn’t there?”
“There is, but that’s what the Internet is good for. I’m only thinking about these women. I’m not with them.”
“But you’re not with your wife, either, are you?”
“No.”
“Why, Bob? Why aren’t you having sex with your wife?”
“Because she’s the same. I know everything she is going to do and everything she is going to want. I know how she is going to make me work on her for anywhere from twelve to fifteen minutes before she can come, and then once she has, she’ll be willing to let me have my turn.”
We had talked about this before. Several times, in fact, Bob had described the dry and tedious sex life he didn’t enjoy with his wife. But to date, he hadn’t broken through and connected to his anger at his wife’s lack of interest. He hadn’t gotten emotional about it. He simply accepted it and used it as a way to justify his Internet habit. Until he allowed himself to feel how furious he was that his wife was not interested in exploring a richer sex life with him, and until he talked to her and let her know how it made him feel, he wouldn’t be able to begin to work on the addiction he had come to see me about.
“Have you heard about those two girls?” he asked, his voice suddenly low and conspiratorial.
Not wanting to assume anything, I asked him what he was talking about.
“The two Web-cam girls. The one who died, the one who’s still in the hospital.”
“Yes,” I said, thinking for a moment about being woken up when Noah got the call.
“This is very freaky, but I saw them on Saturday night.”
“You saw it happen?”
He was quiet for a few seconds, then his fingers started to do their march on the leather armrest. “I was watching them, and then I heard my wife get up. I heard her go into her office. It was late. About midnight. I thought she was asleep. She’d told me she was going to sleep at ten-thirty. Some nights her antidepressant keeps her up—it had the night before, and she was tired.”
“What did you do when you heard her?”
“I turned off the computer and went to bed.”
“How did you feel?”
He thought about this—as if it had not occurred to him that he had any feelings about it. “I was angry.”
“About what? What made you angry, Bob?”
“I wanted to keep watching those girls. I’d seen them before. The Saturday Night Specials, they called themselves. Only worked on Saturday nights.”
“And you couldn’t watch them because of your wife?”
“That’s right.”
“But doesn’t your wife have a right to not have your sexual addiction thrown i
n her face?” This wasn’t what I thought, but it was what I thought might get Bob one step closer to facing his own reactions.
“My wife has gotten everything she’s wanted. One thing, one stupid thing—letting me jerk off in my own office on my own time—what is the big fucking deal?”
His voice was rife with feeling. Real anger flashed in his eyes. Good, we’d accomplished something. He was still controlled, but he was clearly furious. I was relieved to hear the shift. “Why is it so important that you have this one thing?”
“Because she has everything else. She has always had everything else. She didn’t want children right away, she wanted a career, and she wanted to wait. We waited. She wanted to live on the Upper East Side, even though I wanted to stay in the Village. She wants…she wants…she wants me to keep my dick in my pants, unless she wants me to take it out.” He was shouting and I didn’t do anything to stop him.
We were moving toward a new stage where Bob might finally be able to face how hurt he was. We still had miles of feelings to traverse, but at least we were on the way. I was quiet, waiting, allowing Bob to sit with his emotions, letting the sound of his voice fill the room and then fade away, until there was only the sound of the little clock on the table by my chair, and the traffic outside.
“I can’t stop thinking of those girls,” he said, his voice now low and sad.
“Why is that?”
He didn’t answer me.
Thirty-Three
Less than twenty-four hours after arriving in New York, Detective Jordain had flown back to New Orleans and appeared in court for the Hatterly trial, for what he hoped would be the last time. He spent a half hour on the stand and as soon as he stepped down, Jordain was again thinking about the two victims in New York. Once he was back in a taxi and on his way to the Louis Armstrong airport, he called Perez to get an update.