It was almost too much being next to him in a dark theater once again for over two hours. It didn’t matter that it was Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum on the screen in front of her and that aliens were blowing up buildings left and right. Not when Clayton’s strong, muscular thigh just so happened to graze against hers when Will and Viv finally reunited with the helicopter whirring in the background and destruction all around them. Nope, just then she might as well have been watching the most romantic movie ever as she practically melted in her seat while just about jumping out of it and dropping her popcorn clear on the floor. Luckily Clayton had quick hands, and he caught the popcorn before it actually hit the ground, saving most of it and looking up at her with his wide, curious expression. “You okay?” he whispered.
“I’m fine,” she said quickly with a nod. “I just got surprised for a second. You have more of those little hot dogs?” she added by way of deflection.
Clayton nodded. “Yeah, sure,” then he looked at her sheepishly. “Sorry there is only one left, but you can have it. Do you want some Twizzlers?”
Liv just shook her head as she reached for the last pig in a blanket. “No, this is fine, thank you.” She quickly stuffed her mouth so she’d no longer have to talk, and looked back at the screen. Suddenly overstuffed and slightly embarrassed, should she have refused that last pig in the blanket? No, if she did it would show she was acting all girly and putting on date-like airs, which she so was not doing tonight. This was just them hanging out, nothing to be nervous about. Yeah, so why was it she was so thirsty she could barely swallow? Liv reached out for the soda and it was as if Clayton had anticipated her. There was his hand, outstretched with the soda already there in front of her face. She took it with a nod and a half smile. Taking a long gulp, Liv swallowed down hard and then put the soda back in the holder in front of them.
This is turning out to be a top-five disaster of an idea. Liv glanced over at Clayton with a quick side-eye. How was it that he was so darned calm? She took him in, while she chewed on a Twizzler. Wait? Didn’t she just refuse them? Gah! How was she now munching on one! Talk about a turnabout? He was showing masterful control, whereas she was turning out to hardly have any. But why should she complain? He was only living up to his promise of taking her to the movies and attending as just friends. So why was she expecting more from him? Was it time to get truthful with herself and realize that she did want more from him?
It was ridiculous and she knew it. Just focus on the movie. She may get real with her feelings, but she also had to get real with what was practical and right in front of her, what she could and could not have. And she knew she could not have any sort of future with Clayton Morris. She reached into her bag of popcorn and was stunned to find his hand already there. Instantly she recoiled. “I thought you said you didn’t like popcorn,” she whispered.
“I said I didn’t like it with all that butter. I like it like this just fine enough. Is it a problem?” he asked. “What? Don’t you want to share with me?”
Liv practically groaned out loud over his question. Oh yeah, she wanted to share with him, all right. Fighting to clear her head, she reached forward for the soda. She practically drained it, making an undignified long slurp at the end. Just perfect, now they wouldn’t have any more soda and there was still an hour left of the movie. She reached for her purse on the seat next to her and started to get up. But Clayton stopped, grabbing her wrist softly. “Where are you going?”
“I finished the soda, I’m going to get some more. I’ll be right back.”
He shook his head. “No, you let me do that. You don’t have to go.”
But she just started forward. “It’s better that I go.”
Liv took a step forward, her foot getting tangled up in Clayton’s, and before she knew it she found herself pitching forward and twisting right into his lap. She landed completely inelegantly, her eyes wide with her mouth pitched in an O shape.
“You really know how to stick a landing, lady,” Clayton said, his arm stable around her back while his thighs felt as strong as two oak logs against her backside. Liv attempted to wiggle in order to get up.
“I’d be careful how you do that. Too much wiggling and we may not be just friends by the end of this movie.”
Liv looked at him. Taking in his open expression, marveling over the way his dark eyes glistened while the fight of the aliens reflected in them. He bit slightly at his bottom lip, and she could tell in that moment that he was struggling, just as much as she was. It gave her a perverse pleasure that she knew she didn’t deserve, but was still happy to have. “Truth be told, I don’t know if we were friends when the movie started.”
He just nodded his agreement, making no move to let her go, and she made no move to get up from his lap, the feeling in that moment just too perfect to release, his gaze meeting hers, his lips so very near. Before Liv knew it, she was leaning forward and once again letting go.
Chapter 21
Who knew letting go could make Liv want to hold on so tight?
“You sure you want to do this?” Clayton asked. His voice deep, serious. He looked at her with that intense gaze, his eyes as dark as the lake on that moonlit night. Liv swallowed hard against the fear that threatened to bubble up to the surface and spill over.
She nodded at Clayton and grinned wide, and for that she was rewarded by his dazzling smile as he clasped her hand and squeezed it for reassurance. Liv kicked off her flip-flops then. “Okay, let’s go for it, no more stalling.”
Stilling her nerves, Liv ran in time with Clayton through the grass, enjoying the cool feel of it, and then the hard sensation of wood at the bottom of her feet, and as they got to the end of the dock and jumped off at the same time, Liv held her breath and closed her eyes, fighting a squeal for fear of alerting anyone to what they were doing.
The water was bracing with the shocking chill, but at the same time exhilarating. She came up sputtering and gasping for air, but Clayton was right there, his hand still holding hers tight as he wrapped his strong arm around her waist and gave her a proud smile. “That was fantastic!” he said. “You are fantastic.”
In an instant, his lips were on hers, cool and wet, strong and enticing. Liv melted into his body—one with him and the water as he treaded and their bodies swirled around in a circle. In that moment the world, the past and present, came together in their own little pool of joy. Liv tried her best to just let go, to be and stay in the moment, but for all her trying she just couldn’t.
How could this feel so right? Being with him again like this. The past threatened to bubble up and tumble with the present as the same joy she had back then melded with the happiness she was feeling now. It was all so similar, but did that mean it would of course end the same way? She knew it had to. That she had to keep herself grounded somehow, someway, in reality, in the here and now. It was the only guard she had for her heart and her future. She couldn’t get caught up and end up on another twelve-year heartbreak treadmill where every man she met after Clayton would be hopelessly out of reach. She had to stay grounded, and she had to keep her heart protected now that she knew the truth. Moving past this and moving on was the only healthy thing for her to do if she ever had any chance of going back home and starting over in a new direction.
“Why are you doing this?” Clayton said to her. “Why are you already gone and you haven’t even left me yet?”
Liv looked up at Clayton. How was it that he knew what she was thinking without her saying it out loud? “What are you talking about? I’m right here with you.”
He pulled her in closer, and for a brief moment she snuggled underneath his chin, enjoying the comfort of him.
“I know you’re here,” Clayton said. “But I also know you’re not. You’re guarding yourself, Livia. You’re guarding yourself when you don’t have to do that with me.”
Liv pulled back and stared up at him. She shook her head. “I’m not guarding myself from you. I’m just . . .” She paused, looking for the
right words in order to be truthful with him, but not hurt him in any way. “I’m just trying to protect myself. You know as well as I that this is only temporary. And though it’s fun, meeting you here, frolicking in the water after midnight, acting like the kids we used to be, this is all only a dream. One of the best dreams ever, but still only a dream. My aunt’s doing well, things at the shop seem to be going great, and she and Rena have implemented some wonderful changes. I think with her finally agreeing to hire a little extra part-time help, all will be fine and I can and should head back to New York. To my life there.”
She felt Clayton stiffen, and a chill came over her that, despite the cool water, she didn’t feel before. He looked her in the eyes. “You really don’t have to go back, you know. You can stay here. You’re looking for a new job. What about starting over here? I’m sure your aunt would love to have you. There is no reason for you to leave now.”
Liv felt her brows pull together, and while part of her got a small thrill at the thought of possibly staying here and living on the lake with Clayton, a part of her couldn’t help but be slightly angry and put out by his presumption that she would want to drop everything to stay. “How do you know there’s no reason for me to leave? Despite not having a job, I do have a life in New York. Friends, family. New York is my home and I love it. Like I said, this is lovely, but this is not real. Maybe we could have had something back when. But that ship has sailed. We have to both make do with the life courses we’re on now.”
“Who says we have to make do? Ships change directions as do people’s lives. We can be in control of our own destiny from here on out.”
“How can that be true?” Liv said. “How can we just be in charge of our own destinies when there are so many other factors? Like I said, we’re not kids anymore and so much has happened in our lives. You have a kid. What about Hope? She’s been through so much. How do you think she would feel about me coming into your life right now? She’s barely over you and her mother breaking up, and she’s going through so much at school, getting used to life here at Sugar Lake, she doesn’t need that kind of turmoil.”
He shook his head. “She’d think it was fine. She’d want me to be happy.”
Liv looked him in the eye. “I didn’t ask you what she would think, I asked how she would feel. There is a difference.”
She watched as Clayton’s expression went from determined to one far more somber, and she knew she hit on a stumbling block. Although his daughter should never be a stumbling block. Liv continued. “You know I’m right. Your daughter is the most important person in your life, as she should be. She should be your focus, and you should have no guilt or animosity about any relationship you enter into.”
“I’m sure Hope will be fine. She’ll be happy if I’m happy.”
“Are you sure about that? This is all way too new, and I’m not willing to be the one to cause any more strain in your relationship with her or in her life. Our sneaking out here and having these wonderful stolen moments,” she said, smiling, “this has been wonderful. More wonderful than I could ever have imagined. But it should be enough for both of us, and something I know I will cherish and never regret. When it comes to you, Clayton Morris, I don’t want to have regrets anymore.”
Liv watched as an internal struggle played across his features, and it pained her to see it. She knew exactly what he was going through, because she was feeling it too, and because of that she knew she had to end this heartache as quickly as possible, no matter how good being with him felt.
* * *
As Clayton walked with Hope from the ice-cream shop to the bakeshop he couldn’t get out of his mind Livia’s words from the other night. Maybe he should’ve disputed her more, somehow fought harder for her to stay. But in that moment, he couldn’t come up with the right words. When Livia was in front of him, he was always inadequate when it came to the right words. She constantly left him tongue-tied and discombobulated. But how was it she didn’t know how he felt about her? How crazy, over the top in love he was with her and how much he wanted her to stay and give what they were starting a chance grow.
He looked down at Hope as she was dipping into her double scoop of double chocolate ice cream and thought about what Livia had said. Was Hope even ready for the possibility of his taking on another relationship? It was true she was just starting to get over the fact that her mother was no longer in her life. Clayton mentally gave his head a shake. Come on, time to get real. The girl would never be over her mother abandoning her like she did. Celeste barely called; the last time Hope had spoken to her had been over a month ago, when Celeste called him, low on funds having lost her wallet on some trek in an Arizona desert. Like a fool, he’d wired her money, but only after insisting she get on the phone and talk to Hope, give her some reassurance that her mother still cared about her.
Though he hated to admit it, maybe Livia was right. Could it possibly be that the timing was just not right for them and would never be right for them? He should be putting his sole focus into his daughter and into building her up as best he could. Giving her all the love and strength she deserved. That should be his main concern. And as Livia pointed out, he should be grateful for the little time they had together to enjoy this bit of closure. Letting out a breath and more determined than ever, Clayton decided that was what he would do. Enjoy whatever time he had left with his Livia, since she probably would be gone soon. He needed to accept his fate for what it was and continue to steer his ship in the best way he knew how.
As he and Hope entered Goode ’N Sweet there was a flurry of activity, but Clayton’s heart darn near exploded as Hope ran up to Miss Joyce and gave her a big, one-armed hug, careful not to spill her ice cream. She then turned and gave a huge and unexpected grin to Livia, who was behind the counter. “Hi there, Miss Olivia,” Hope said. “It’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you again too, Hope. Are you enjoying your summer?” Liv asked.
Hope’s eyes went skyward, and her grin went even wider. “Am I? I couldn’t be happier. I thought this year would go on forever, but it’s done now. I’m glad to have made it through and for the break.”
Clayton looked at Hope proudly, then directed his comments to the ladies. “Not that she’s taking that much of a break. I’m not ashamed to say that my super-smart daughter here won a top award in her summer engineering course.”
“Well, all right now!” Miss Joyce said. “That’s what I’m talking about. I love hearing about smart young women coming up in the world.”
“Way to go, Hope!” Liv said. “That’s how you do it! I see you’re a force to be reckoned with. Your father was proud before, but look at him now strutting around like a peacock, as he rightfully should be. What will be do with him?”
Hope gave an exaggerated eye roll though she couldn’t seem to hide her smile. “Dad, I told you it was no big deal.”
“Maybe not to you, since you’re so naturally smart, but to your old dad it sure is. Now let me be proud, young lady.”
Hope grinned a little wider then and Livia gave him a smile and a nod that sent pleasure coursing through his body over how right the whole scene was. “Now, Miss Hope,” she said. “How about you choose whatever you like as a celebration gift. I know you have ice cream there, but you can have it either now or for later, if you like. A girl should always have a little something sweet in reserve, is what I always say.”
“Thank you. Do you have any peach cobbler? I was sampling the ice-cream shop’s new pie flavors and they were okay, but honestly all they made me think of is how good a piece of your pie would taste.”
Livia and Miss Joyce quickly turned to each other. “Why, that man bun had better not have tried it,” Aunt Joyce said.
“Now, calm down, Aunt Joyce. I’m sure he didn’t. There are tons of ice-cream flavors in the world. He would not be the first to serve cake or pie flavors. And I’m sure some are bound to be similar to flavors we have,” Livia said, trying to relax her aunt. Uh-oh. Lo
oked like Hope rattled up a hornet’s nest with that comment.
Miss Joyce practically simmered. “Similar! Well, I’ll be seeing about that. You can be sure.”
“Livia is right, Miss Joyce. Plenty of shops do that. And besides, how could anyone ever get even close to re-creating your masterful flavors,” he said.
Miss Joyce seemed to soften a bit with his comments, but it wasn’t much. She gave him a slight smile. “You’re a sweet one, Clayton. But I don’t know about that. My Livy here is coming on pretty well. You’d be surprised at how tasty her treats are.”
He grinned and was not surprised to see Livia fighting a blush.
But Hope’s eyes were wide. He could tell she didn’t mean to upset Miss Joyce. Livia seemed to notice and gave Hope a reassuring smile. “Don’t you worry. Now, what can I get you, Miss Future Engineer?”
Hope looked over at Miss Joyce cautiously. “Pick your treat, baby. Don’t worry none over these grown folks’ mess. You just enjoy yourself. This is your celebration.”
Hope’s lips turned up in a slight smile, and she once again started to peruse all the beautiful baked goods behind the counter. She finally settled on an individual pecan peach cobbler, and Livia nodded with approval. “Excellent choice. Those are fairly new, so I hope you like them. I tweaked my aunt’s recipe a bit to make these mini ones. How about I box up a few for you. And you, your father, and grandmother can share them as a little celebration tonight?”
“Thank you so much, I’m sure we’ll love them,” Hope said. “If you don’t mind, can you add one more for my uncle Caleb? Hopefully I can get him to come and celebrate with us too. I have money, I’ll pay for his.”
Livia shook her head. “You hold on to your money. Like I said, this is my treat and I’d be glad to add one for your uncle Caleb too.”
As Good as the First Time Page 25