by May Bridges
“She hit me when I walked in the door,” he continued, “and it took forty-five minutes to convince her that I didn’t do whatever it was. When she finally let me in, you were passed out. I still didn’t believe it, not even when I smelled the liquor, not till I saw them, the marks you let him put on you.”
“I told you I wasn’t interested in helping someone that was holding on to things, only someone who was running from them. I can’t help you, and I can’t watch you end up as another picture in the box.” His voice was still soft, but so sad.
“Cade, please listen to me.” I felt the stream of tears on my cheeks, but I didn’t have enough pride left to bother wiping them away. “I’m not holding onto that life. I didn’t want to be there. You have—”
“I’m not listening to this shit. I’ve heard it so many times. You may not be addicted to drugs, but you sure as fuck are addicted to misery. Because that, whatever you did last night, it wasn’t about Rob or Becker. It was about you.”
I don’t know where it came from, but I was mad. I could only think of one other person that ever made me feel as disgusting as I had that night, and that was Becker. Last night was a living, breathing nightmare, and I lived through it, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I had to keep some other part of my life intact, and Cade couldn’t even hear me out.
“It was about my job! What do you want, Cade?” I hit the bed, angry and frustrated. “Everyone in my life wants someone different. Who is it for you? Isn’t this the girl you like, June?” I motioned to myself, beaten and bruised. “Because that’s the girl that lets you keep her in a room in your house like a toy and fuck her with your belt around her throat. It’s the girl Robert wants too, and the one that Becker always tried to make me.” I threw the covers back and stood, my anger making it too hard to sit. “Or, or maybe it’s Alex you like? You seemed to have a great time with her at the club. She’s fun and crazy, but a bit of a tease, so probably not your style.” I shook my head, tears running down my face. “How about Alexandria? Is that who you want me to be for you? You liked her at church, right? She loves her mama and Jesus, might even pass as domestic.”
I took a much needed breath and wrapped my arms around myself, a small attempt at keeping myself from falling apart. “You’re like everyone else, Cade.” I looked across the space at him, accusing. “You want a part of me, but not all of me. You wanted June until you saw just how fucked life really is for her, for me. Too fucked for you to save, right? Tell me, Cade! Tell me who you want me to be, because I’ve been trying for a goddamned month to figure it out.”
Cade walked to the side of the bed where I stood. He pulled my head up with a finger under my chin and looked down at the mess before him. “I only ever wanted you to be you, Doll. I’m not the one that’s not okay with all of the pieces of who you are. You’re the one that doesn’t like them.” Cade let go of my face and walked toward the door. “I’ll be gone all day today, you can come get your things from my house.”
He didn’t look back. I was exactly what I didn’t want to be, another picture in the box. He couldn’t save me, and now he would put me there and never look at me again. I wouldn’t matter to him, and I wasn’t sure if I ever did.
It hurt in a way I wasn’t ready for, in my chest, and all through my veins and body. I felt my muscles contracting around my heart, willing it not to break. I shouldn’t feel like my world had found a new shade of black. I knew the lash of a cane wouldn’t burn out the hurt Cade left me in when he walked away. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I knew this panic, but no one was there to help me. Cade wasn’t there to help me, and he never would be again.
Chapter Eighteen
If numb was an art, I’d mastered it. The Valium helped too, though I was running low. I needed to make a stop by Robert’s to buy more, or maybe something stronger. It had been five days since I got my things from Cade’s. I remembered how to breathe again, though it wasn’t as satisfying a feeling as it was before.
My mother came by the day before, after I called in sick to the Sunday potluck. She brought me a pot of chicken and dumplings, insistent on nursing me back to health. The parts of me that felt sick and broken couldn’t be fixed with soup, not even Mama’s.
I’d seen Mr. Arnold twice: once in the hall, and once when he stopped by my office. I decided to take that vacation. Oliver was more than happy to approve my two weeks off, and I didn’t feel so bad passing all of my files off to Marcy. Sink or swim time, bitch.
I never did explain what happened that night to Rachel. I think she knew it would hurt too bad to explain, so she never asked. She did ask me to apologize to Cade for her. Apparently she more than hit him when he came to my apartment that night, she all-out attacked him. I told her I would, and didn’t bother telling her I would probably never see him again.
Sitting outside of Robert’s house, I tipped my head back against the headrest, squeezing my eyes shut. I was thinking maybe it was a good thing I wouldn’t see Cade again. He would’ve been so disappointed in me.
Mike opened the door before I could knock. He looked less than happy with me. Mike knew why I was there and led me back to Robert’s office. I took a deep breath and then I headed inside.
Robert sat behind his large mahogany desk. He smiled a beautiful smile that touched his clear blue eyes. I was surprised to see he was alone; no clients, no employees holding up the walls.
“That’s all, Mike,” Robert said, dismissing him.
“Am I early?” I asked, taking a seat in one of the high backed chairs in front of his desk.
“No, I wanted a chance to talk to you before he got here, so I didn’t schedule him until later.” Robert got up and rounded his desk. He took a seat in the chair next to me. “I thought I was pretty clear about Cade.” Robert said.
My pulse quickened. The only contact I’d had with Robert since the night Mike chased us down after the club was the text letting me know he had set up the meeting with his client. “I thought I was clear about you not running my life.”
“Humor me. I’m trying to understand why my girl is spending time with someone like that. Especially since I thought everything fell apart between us because of my lifestyle.” Robert paused, leaned back in his chair, and gave me time to say something.
I remained silent.
“Cade may think he has me by the balls, but don’t let his confidence fool you, Alex. He can never be what I am and will never have the resources I do. I’ll play his game, but only because I know I’ll win.”
“We aren’t spending time together any more, Robert. There’s nothing to worry about. And you can say that I’m your girl, but it doesn’t mean much these days.” I was emotionally exhausted, too exhausted to go back and forth with him.
“It used to mean something to you,” he said, searching my face.
“Maybe.” I cast my eyes down. “But you’re not the boy I loved in high school anymore, and I know that now,” I whispered.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing. Doesn’t matter anyway,” I said, shaking my head. “Did you set up my meeting with Becker?”
“I can’t, Alex. Not right now. I don’t think you’re ready to face him.”
“You don’t get to make that decision. You said if I came here and met with your client you would make that happen.”
“I love you too much to let people like Cade and Becker fuck up your life—”
“No one is fucking up my life right now but you. I’m over it.” I stood and grabbed my purse. “I’ll find Becker myself.”
“It doesn’t matter if you find him, this isn’t over. I still need you,” Robert yelled after me.
I stopped at the door, but didn’t bother to turn around and look at him. “It is over, Robert. All of it. I’m not your girl. I don’t work for you. After all of the bullshit and manipulation, we aren’t even friends. You really are proving to be a monster, you know?”
I was surprised when he let me go. I was sure any moment
Mike would be barreling after me, pulling me back into Robert’s office. I made it all the way to my car and out the front gates before I truly believed he hadn’t sent someone to chase me down. It was the only triumphant moment I’d had in weeks. I thought that a part of June was dying as I drove away.
I pulled out my phone and shot a text to Cade.
Robert has agreed to set up a meeting with Becker and me. I don’t want to go through Robert to do it, but I need this meeting. I am asking you for help one last time. I know you want nothing more to do with me, but please, tell me where Becker is so I don’t have to go back to Robert.
I hit send and any triumph I felt walking away from Robert was replaced by the wave of guilt at doing something he would do.
Manipulating.
My phone was ringing in my hand before I made it home. I took a deep breath and answered.
“Hello.”
“This is bullshit, Doll.” Cade’s voice sounded weary, tired. “You know you’re fucked up for putting me in this spot?”
“I know.” It was a quiet admission, mostly to myself, because he had no idea how truly fucked up it was.
“If you’re doing this one way or another, then I’m going to be there. I’m not sending you to Rob’s door, or Becker’s, and then having it on my head when you get hurt.”
“No. I can handle myself. I don’t—”
“Doll. If you want the information, then I’m taking you. We can go to De Soto this evening and catch him after poker night.”
“Fine. I’ll meet at your house later.”
“I hope this really is what you need, brave girl, but I don’t think it is. See you at nine.”
I ended the call, unable to say anything else. I wanted to see Cade. I wanted it so much. I hated that I had to lie to get the information that I needed, and because I had, because I was doing to Cade exactly what he was trying to keep Robert from doing to me, I didn’t think I could look him in the face that night.
But I wouldn’t have to. De Soto and poker night were all I needed. I knew where Becker was. And I hated Robert even more as I turned caught the 35 and headed south.
I couldn’t say if it was the Texas heat or nerves that made me sweat, but as I sat in my car outside of Joe’s bar wiping away the moisture beading down my skin, my heart raced and my stomach twisted in knots. I gripped harder at the steering wheel, and contemplated all the reasons not to walk inside.
Becker had been at the same bar as me every week and Robert knew it. The hope I had for Robert, for the man I knew he could be, had been hard to kill over our years of knowing each other. The situation with Becker was a weight heavy enough to crush that hope.
As soon as Cade said we could go to De Soto and catch him after poker, I knew he was at Joe’s. I’d heard some of the bikers and other patrons talking about Joe’s Monday night backroom poker games. Robert, Cade, Becker, they all ran in the same circles. They all went to Joe’s and all the pieces fit.
I sat in my car for over an hour staring at the door to Joe’s bar. I watched people walking in and stumbling out. I combed over every parked car, wondering if any were Becker’s. I’d thought of every reason to turn around and go home. At the end of it all, I was scared. Too scared to walk in and see him. Too scared to go home and miss my chance to find him.
Did I really think I could sit down at a table, have a drink with him, and sort this shit out? Walk away feeling like everything was great again in the world? Could it be that easy to fix me?
I owed it to myself. I needed to know why. I need to know if I’d done anything to bring it on myself, or if I was dealt a jacked up hand. I wanted the freedom of knowing it wasn’t my fault. I wanted to hear him say he was sorry.
I stopped inside the door and scanned the dim, smoky room. There weren’t many patrons. It took a second to pass over each face, none of them I recognized, except the dark one with crow’s feet at the eyes and laugh lines around his mouth. I took my usual stool at the end and Joe was waiting there for me.
“Haven’t seen you in a while. Not your usual night, Doll,” Joe said. Hearing the pet name made an ache in my chest. “Jack & Diet?”
“Double Jack, Diet chaser.” I wanted to get the poison down quick. I needed it to soothe my frayed nerves.
“You got it.”
A minute later Joe was back with my double shot and a Diet Coke.
“Hey Joe, you got a smoke I could bum off you?” I asked.
Joe pulled a pack from his front shirt pocket and handed one to me. “Didn’t know you smoked.” He had a light ready when I got it to my lips.
It was the first one I’d smoked in three years. It was equally the best and worst feeling. The smoke burned in my lungs and made my head light, but it also eased the tension out of my shoulders.
“Long day at the office?” Joe asked. He pushed his cuffed sleeves higher up his arms and rested them on the bar in front of me.
“You could say that.” I eyed the door that led to the back of Joe’s bar. “How long does Monday night poker usually last?” I asked, taking a longer pull of the cigarette and resisting the urge to cough the smoke back up.
“Depends on who is winning and who is losing,” Joe said with a smile. “All night sometimes, an hour others. Why?”
“I heard someone named Becker comes in to play. I was hoping to talk with him before he left. If he’s here tonight?” Part of me wanted Joe to say Becker didn’t show for that night’s game. The coward in me.
“Listen, Doll, I don’t usually get in other people’s business, but you seem like a decent girl.”
I gave him a skeptical look and downed my double shot.
“Yeah, I know what you come in here for.” Joe waved a dismissive hand. “I don’t know why you do it, but that’s not my problem. Still, you seem to have your head on better than most. I’ve done this for a long time. Nothing good ever comes out of decent girls like you mixing it up with guys like Becker.”
“Maybe not, but I still need to talk to him.”
Joe ran a hand over his short dark hair and down his neck. “And if I say no?”
“I’ll catch up with him somewhere else.” I shrugged.
“I can’t let you back there, Doll. I can let him know you’re here if you want, though.”
Would he even come out if Joe told him Alexandria was there to see him? He might hide back there the whole night.
“Can you tell him there’s a girl here to see him?” I asked.
Joe made a move to turn away and stopped. He turned back to me, and placed a hand on the bar. “Does Rob know you’re here?”
I didn’t know how he knew I had anything to do with Robert. I’d never been in there with him, but it wasn’t a total surprise. The men in those circles always knew who had business with whom. I opened my mouth and closed it again. It went that way a few more times as I tried to work through the best answer. I hated that Joe was asking, like I answered to Robert.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with Robert,” I said, finally. I squared my shoulders. “Can you get Becker for me?”
I could see Joe biting back words as he shook his head. “Sure thing,” he said, and walked off. Before he disappeared through the back door I saw him sliding his cell out of his pocket. A bolt of dread shot through me and I prayed he wasn’t calling Robert. I didn’t need that at all.
Joe came back a few minutes later, alone. “Says he’ll be out after this hand.” Joe’s face carried a grim smile.
“Thanks.” I grabbed my drink and headed to one of the worn down booths against the far wall.
The tension and anticipation multiplied in the fibers of my body as I waited. It was almost enough to send me into a panic. The air felt too thin to breathe. I was fidgeting enough to look like I was cracked out, and I had cotton mouth like a class A stoner. Every time the backroom door swung open and someone that wasn’t Becker walked out, it got worse.
I worked on focusing small to rein it all in. While running my finger around the rim of
my glass, concentrating on the menial task, a worn voice—made by too many years of smoking too many things—crashed into my world. “Any reason you didn’t want to give Joe your name, Alexandria?”
My heart clenched at the sound. No matter how long it had been since I’d heard that voice, it wasn’t one I’d ever forget. Ashley Becker slid into the booth across from me. I focused straight ahead on my nightmare. Same face, same eyes dulled by his perma-high, same stupid hat and pin. The only difference was some added gray in his beard that hinted at the years that had passed.
My body was dumping enough adrenaline to make my heart explode. The flight half of my fight or flight reflex had already started running away. It took everything I had to keep my ass glued to the cracked red vinyl seat.
“You gonna talk, or did ya come to look at me?” His eyes dipped to my chest and lingered, unashamed. “I’m fine with just looking.”
I felt the need to curl into a ball, knees to chest, arms crossed. I settled for arms crossed. “I came to talk,” I said, licking at my dry lips, trying to find enough moisture in my mouth to speak. “I’ve been looking for you.”
His smile was revolting. His teeth were yellowed and starting to rot from the drugs. “You’ve been looking for me? Did you miss me?” he asked.
I didn’t know why I couldn’t say it. Say what he did and that I wanted answers. Why did I feel ashamed, embarrassed, like I was the one that did something wrong? “I thought maybe we could talk through some things?”
“Fuck it. You’re just here to mess up my high. I don’t remember you complaining too much then, and I ain’t listening now.”
Becker started to slide out of the booth, his belly rubbing along the edge of the table. I don’t know what the rush was that hit me, but I was up and out of the booth with my hand on his arm before he managed to get out. I had let this screw with my head for too long. It had completely destroyed whatever relationship I had with Robert, not to mention any man I had ever thought about being serious with, including Cade. I couldn’t let him walk away.