Forever Love

  My eyes go from her hips to over her shoulder where I see Amber watching with curiosity, and then to where Jay is watching this. He’s not looking at me. No, his eyes are on Madison’s ass that my hands are on. I look away from him. If I don’t, I might break his fucking teeth for watching her like he owns her.

  We never do this but she’s allowing it and she feels what she’s doing to me. It’s pressing against her ass and I know she wants it with the way she melts at my touch. I’m comfort for her. She can fall to pieces before me and I’m holding it all together.

  She turns around and wraps her arms around my neck, her hips grinding against mine. She’s fucking loving this.

  I do the same and smile slightly when I feel her body curve around mine.

  “What are you doing to me?” I whisper in her ear. She could stab me in the heart at this point and it wouldn’t hurt as much as it does to see her control me like this. I want to walk away but in reality, in my fucked up sense of reality, a world without her in it isn’t worth living.

  Her eyes water and I hold her closer, I want to fucking kiss her in front of everyone. I want to fuck her against the wall in front of this room just to let them know she’s mine. My face is close enough that I smell her sweetness, the coconut of her shampoo but she smells like me too. She smells like my sweat. My scent is all over her and I like that.

  “What?” she asks, her breath hitting my skin. It sends shivers through my chest.

  “You.” Pulling back, I watch her reaction feeling her chest heaving against mine. I can feel the beat in hers thumping wildly against mine. “What are you doing to me?”

  She hesitates to answer.

  I curve an eyebrow at her, she stops moving.

  Nothing.

  She gives nothing.

  And then she lets go of me and turns away leaving me standing there.

  I don’t wait around to see anything. What I do see is that she’s dying inside and I’m going fucking insane. She’s trying to be brave when all she’ll ever be is bent.

  The fact that she’s here, and he is too, pisses me off.

  I say goodbye to Macy and head for the door. As soon as I’m outside, Amber’s there. She’s a cheerleader I mess around with sometimes. Nothing too much, just kissing and shit. I’ve felt her up a few times but I’ve never actually went through with anything. That’s my problem. I have opportunities. I could have any girl I wanted in this school but yet I’m hooked on the broken one. The one who makes me believe there might be more someday, like there used to be.

  She stares at me, waiting to see what I’m going to do. Girls like Amber, they’re only looking for one thing. They smile too easily, flirt too much and spread their legs with their fake little moans.

  Despite that, I take a step her direction. She kisses my neck and leans into me. “Come back to my dorm, Cash.” She breathes, her soft breath hitting my heated skin.

  “You want me?” I ask, my voice low and hoarse. She blushes thinking I’m flirting. She thinks I care about her.

  I allow her lips to find mine and push her up against a car in the street. I’m still worked up from Madison and it’s easy to pretend that it’s her in the darkness of the night. It’s easy to imagine.

  Amber won’t shut the fuck up though and moans when she feels my erection and starts grinding against it. The warmth of being between her legs feels good but that’s about all. Everything else makes my skin crawl because it’s all wrong. Her mouth doesn’t taste the same and her eyes hold nothing. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to ignore it but when she starts giggling, I can’t take it.

  I push back a little, apologize and tell her not tonight. I do this every time. I should go to her dorm. I should fuck her like she wants, give her the side of me these fucking other girls are begging to see but I don’t and it makes me insane that I’m this way.

  Amber laughs at me. “Really, Cash?”

  I don’t look at her. “I can’t.”

  She rolls her eyes straightening out her skirt. “Yeah, I know. You never can because you’re screwing that coked-out whore.” I still don’t look at her as I pull away completely creating about five feet of distance. I don’t like what she’s getting at and it pisses me off.

  “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

  I turn and walk away.

  When I’m back in my dorm, I stand at the sink with the water running. When it’s cold enough, I splash the water over my face and then stare at myself in the mirror wondering what the fuck my problem is. I could have Amber if I wanted her, could have had her over and over again. Yet, Madison is the only one on my mind. She’s playing around with my psyche more and more lately and I think it’s because deep down I know.

  I know exactly what she’s doing to herself and I know that I’m the only one who can help her. Doing anything more with any other girl is no different than cheating in my mind. Cheating on this undefined relationship that we still have.

  Being a Humanities major, I read this quote by Plato the other day in my Philosophy class and this jumble of feelings I have for Madison literally jumped up and started screaming at me when I saw this.

  “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”

  Yeah, that’s where we are right now. Everyone’s afraid of the dark at some point in his or her life but when we get stuck in the dark, afraid to emerge back into the light of fucking life in general, that’s the shit we are dealing with now. This is why I can’t leave her alone, she needs me as much as I need her. We can walk out of these fucking shadows we’ve been living under for three years and come back into the land of the living…at least, I hope and pray we can.

  October 12, 2013

  I like playing in Seattle. I love home games but playing on the road makes me feel like I’m going somewhere. Like I have more to offer than just college ball. Sounds crazy but that’s me.

  I sit next to Saylor on the bus and use his shoulder to get some sleep. He lets me until I drool a little down his shirt sleeve. Although on the ride up to Seattle, I’m not sleeping. I was with Madison this morning and I can’t forget the way she was looking at me. It made me feel like she was begging me for something. More than what I provide.

  Maybe begging to save her?

  My mind can’t get past that spark I saw there, that unspoken plea that I know is there.

  I take a peek out of the corner of my eye to see Landon sitting two rows in front of me on the bus staring at the iPad in his hand as he watches scrimmage videos.

  When we get to the stadium, it’s our usual routine, pre-game rituals, praying, taping ankles, talking to the offensive coordinator and the starting offensive line. Going over plays. It’s a good couple of hours before we take to the field. When we do, it’s all business. There’s usually very little joking around and game faces in place.

  I know what I can do on the field. I know where plays can happen and where they can’t. I know the strong guys, and I know the ones who tend to get caught up. Landon’s strong, he rarely gets caught up and pays attention. I can trust that if I throw to him, he’s gonna be there. Same with Holden. I know where both of them are at all times and, yeah, I favor them on the field because of that.

  I’m having an amazing game throwing for over 366 yards so far. My passing is spotless even though the guys I favor on the field are covered a lot. In the first and second quarters I’ve run the ball three times already.

  Half-way through the third quarter, I call the play, looking left, then right, seeing the boys poised and ready. The ball snaps, I take two steps back, then another. I see Landon mid-field but then I’m jarred from the left, blindsided, feeling the reverberation through my skull. Right before my head snaps back, I see Colton on the ground when he should have been blocking me. My head snaps back, my helmet goes flying and then next thing I remember about twenty guys are around me.

  If I could have kicked Colton’s ass right then, I would.<
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  That one knocked me pretty good. I can’t even stand up without seeing stars.

  They don’t let me off the field without strapping me to a backboard. I do see Colton as I’m being hauled into the locker room and make him come closer to give him a piece of my mind. “You need to protect me in the pocket, bitch tits.”

  He says nothing.

  Fucker.

  Blinking, I try to focus. It does nothing and I still can’t see.

  The coaches swarm around me after that as does our team physician. I don’t think he knows what the fuck he’s doing half the time. He’s dramatic and stupid if you ask me. I’m fine. But I’m also bleeding from a cut above my eye. I think it’s making me a little loopy.

  Once they get me to the locker room on that fucking backboard that I find completely unnecessary, Larry Benton, our team doctor, is in my face asking me all kinds of questions but I have no answers. I can’t even see him let alone answer him. Everything’s blurry.

  Coach Lander, our head coach, pats my shoulder. “Let’s get you checked out, kid.” He smiles when I squint at him. “Just precautionary.”

  They make me take a ride to the hospital and it’s uneventful. Mostly people in my face asking me questions I probably didn’t know before the game. About four nurses surround me with two more coaches from my team all making sure I’m all right.

  The do some scans, x-rays and a neurological exam. After a CT scan and x-rays, it’s decided pretty early I have a concussion but nothing more.

  They give me some medication, tell me I’m going to be monitored for a while, and when it kicks in, the pain in my chest eases and I’m feeling good.

  Flirty.

  I laugh suddenly, about the time my body starts feeling warm from the medicine they gave me and nudge Benton with my elbow. He rolls his eyes when I point to the nurse because he knows I’m about to say something stupid.

  “Hey, baby,” I say to her, winking with the eye they’re not stitching up. The nurse giggles as she continues her cursory exam.

  Saylor, who I didn’t know was there, shakes his head when she leaves. I apparently offered to show her my penis, only I don’t remember that. Apparently I did hit my head pretty damn good cause I’m saying stuff I wouldn’t usually say.

  I don’t remember the bus ride back to Eugene. At all. I apparently slept the entire way on Saylor’s lap. He treats me good.

  When we pull up to the stadium he shakes my shoulders. “Time to get up, sleeping beauty.”

  I sit up noticing the bus is nearly empty. “Did we win, coco puff?”

  Saylor laughs. I call him coco puff sometimes. Mostly when I’m drunk. Or obviously when I’m concussed. “Yeah, we did.” He stands and reaches for my hand. “Now am I gonna have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you home?”

  Sitting there for a few minutes I sigh when I see that we are in fact the last people left on the bus. He nudges my knee. “I have to piss man, get up.”

  I do and head inside to the locker room to put my gear away and head back to the dorms. It’s around two that morning.

  Saylor’s in charge of keeping an eye on me. When we get inside our dorm room he’s talking about the game and how Landon and Colton got in a fight after. My mind is not on that game any longer. It’s on Madison when I look at the clock. I start feeling like I need her. I’ll never understand the power Madison has over me.

  Why her?

  Why can’t I leave her alone?

  Because.

  I think I can save her.

  Just when I’m ready for bed, knowing damn well I’ll get up in an hour and text her.

  I lay there and will sleep.

  I do for a while and then stare at the clock as the minutes go by.

  2:58 AM.

  3:05 AM.

  3:16 AM.

  Around four, I reach for my phone and see she texted me four minutes ago. It gives me hope she wants and needs more.

  I watch every game Cash plays in. I may not go to the games anymore, but I watch them.

  I’m at Taylor’s Bar & Grill enjoying their dollar beer game nights. The Ducks are winning when they show the players on the bench. I see Landon first, chewing on his mouth piece looking like his mind is far from the game. Three feet down they show Cash and his numbers for the game pop up on the screen. He’s there with an iPad in hand and the offensive coordinator hovered over him pointing out specifics.

  It’s sometime in the third quarter when the crowd goes wild, I jump and my eyes snap to the screen when I see the concern in everyone’s faces. Cash was sacked on the play but he doesn’t get up.

  He doesn’t move.

  For over three minutes, he doesn’t move.

  I cannot breathe.

  They show the replay and his helmet comes flying off and then the snap as his head smacks the turf.

  My stomach knots but eases when he moves his legs up and rests his feet flat on the ground and then rolls to his side. Breathing a sigh of relief, I finish my beer and then pay for my tab.

  Seeing Cash transported off the field on a stretcher is not easy on me. As I’m walking back to my dorm, I send Landon a text knowing he’d reply to me. He does and tells me that Cash was transported to the hospital and released with a concussion. They’re already heading home.

  In my head I calculate how long it will take for them to get back to campus before I can text Cash. I’m sitting at my window when I see the steady trickle of players come in, like Jet and Colton, then Landon.

  I wait another hour before I send him a text just before four that morning, knowing he’d more than likely be up.

  You ok? I saw that play. It looked like it rocked you.

  He replies within a few minutes.

  I’m good. You up? I could rock you.

  I have to laugh. Cash when he’s high on adrenaline is playful. Like the kid he was in high school sending dirty texts and stealing my panties.

  I’m up.

  Be there in 10.

  He’s right. He’s there in ten minutes.

  I look up, he smiles. I’m gentle, unsure of how much he’s been injured. “Are you okay?”

  “They say…” he stumbles a little, “I’m concussed.”

  He lays down on my bed taking his clothes off and then puts his hands behind his neck.

  “Come on, baby.” His voice is a tender whisper I find endearing and I can tell he’s still on the pain pills they gave him. “I’m up for anything tonight.”

  I give him my own smile and sneak under the covers between his thighs bringing my mouth to his dick.

  Sweeping my tongue over him, I wait for his reaction. He is so hard, so warm. Before taking him inside my mouth, I look up at him pushing the blankets up a little to see his reaction, and he smirks. “Don’t tease me now.”

  As I lower my mouth, I feel his tip touch the back of my throat. He grabs a fistful of my hair and moves my head the way he wants it, with the right speed. Though it’s not forceful, it’s just enough pressure to let me know I’m not going anywhere until he’s finished.

  His hands shake, a groan falling from his slightly open mouth.

  Cash is the sexiest guy to watch while you’re giving a blow job to him. Unbelievably sexy.

  “Mad, do you want to stop?”

  I shake my head and double my efforts. I know that was my chance to stop, had I wanted to.

  Cash is big. It seems his arm isn’t his only gift. I can’t keep from gagging, but apparently it’s working because I hear him groan and twitch against my tongue, and evidence of his orgasm burst hot streams into my mouth. There’s a part of me right then that wants to gag again, I’m not good with this part.

  Cash pushes my head down again, not allowing me to move, his dick hits the back of my throat. “Swallow it, Madison.”

  I look up. He’s serious.

  “Swallow.”

  I do because I love this. He’s never gentle with me. He treats me like he knows I want it. I want this side, the side that never holds back a
nd takes what he needs.

  When I sit up, his lips meet my skin and I am on fire, burning to the beat of his heart and shaky breath over my skin. Lazy eyes watch me, captured by my every move as I lay against his chest. He lets me.

  He lets me.

  He makes me feel okay. He makes me feel like even after everything, I still have him. The one boy I’ve never let go of entirely.

  October 15, 2013

  I’m studying with Landon for our Statistics class. We’re sitting on my bed with our backs against the wall, our feet hanging off the edge. There’s a pizza box between us and he’s telling me about Macy and him and how they can’t seem to stop fighting, but yet, he can’t walk away from her. Their situation is very much like mine and Cash, only completely different. As couples, we’re wrapped around each other in a lot of ways.

  In the fourth grade, wouldn’t you know it all six of us were in the same class. Alexa and Steven got together first. Then I was said to be Landon’s girlfriend. That was until Cash handed me a “check yes or no” note. Naturally, I checked yes and was head over heels for Cash.

  I let Landon down gently in a note that said. “I’m breaking up with you. Sorry.”

  Landon being Landon, gave me a cocky response. “I thought you were Macy. Didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

  He was a dick. Back then. Later, he became one of my good friends when he started dating Macy in high school. Where Macy is more reserved, like Cash, I’m wild like Landon. We seem to draw that out in each other on a friendship level. I understood him.

  Through middle school and high school the six of us were extremely close. Where you saw one, you saw all six. Intricately carved pieces of a puzzle that just fit. Yet our pieces for the past few years had been scattered, I have to believe that one day we’ll all be righted and fit together again.

  We had these plans when we graduated. We thought we’d always be together but that changed senior year when Steven died in that accident. Everything turned to shit. When it really hit rock bottom was at prom when I turned to Landon. In more ways than I should have.